I took DF aside, in our room, and discussed my frustration with this new hobby. At first he was passing it off as "that's how she learns things," but there's a big difference between asking questions to learn things versus DEMANDING to have conversations repeated and explained to her that she doesn't need to worry about. DF and I both also noticed that this seems to be upping SD's anxiety level. She's convinced everything involves her so therefore worries about EVERYTHING. This it's not only rude, but causing her to get worked up. She doesnt need to worry about whether DF has a load of laundry to be done; I was asking HIM that, not her. She is really anxious to begin with and this is NOT HELPING.
Fast forward through a bunch of bad behaviors, and we decided we needed to talk w/BM about all of this. However, DF and BM have determined if SD sees the two of them talking more than a few minutes @ trade-off, SD knows it's bad news for her. She will do all in her power to interrupt, distract, and keep them from talking. So instead, I started to talk to BM while Df was helping SD get her stuff together.
I explained about the inserting herself into EVERY discussion, and the anxiety it is causing SD (on top of the rudeness factor). BM said she's seen SD do that when BM is talking to her mom (SD's Gma) and admitted SD does it when BM tries to talk on the phone. So, it is happening there too.
I said ok, watch her face after she does it- she is freaking out over stuff that doesn't concern her, plus being rude. BM agreed SD needs a reminder she is not the center of creation and that other people CAN talk to each other without her being part of it. DF came through the kitchen and added we hadn't been able to have a single conversation, with each other or DD, unless we closed the door. This isn't about conversations not meant for little ears; those do go behind closed doors. This is about just general everyday interactions that simply don't revolve around SD and her hijacking conversations.
BM agreed SD's selfishness has been rampant lately. Apparently one of SD's friends is having a major problem w/the same conversation hogging (and snotty attitude to boot) so she said she will watch for that. Yay for co-parenting!
So, they're heading out the door, and BM tells SD to grab a bag. SD ignores her and starts toward the door. BM again says, take a bag- interrupted by SD talking right over her about something else. BM again starts to talk, SD turns her back to her. DF started to say something, but I motioned for him to wait...this was BM's move.
BM sternly said, "I am TALKING TO YOU and you need to turn around and LISTEN. Stop being rude."
SD turns around, shoots mom an icy look and declares, "Now you're just like everyone else."
Ding ding ding!!!!!
BM asked who was "everyone else"?
SD said, "Daddy and K. NOW, you sound just. Like. THEM."
There was a pause.
BM said, "Because you are being rude to me, too."
We all explained that NO ONE likes her rude behavior. I reminded SD it's not ok, wherever she is. DF piped in with, "See, we've TOLD you Mommy doesn't like it either, and here's Mommy, telling you, HERSELF."
SD stomped out to the car with a big scowl.
I hope BM doesn't back off. SD finally had a reality check that her dad and I aren't alone in seeing her behavior.
I wish I could've been a fly on the wall at BM's house last night. If she can stop worrying about being SD's buddy and focus on being a parent, maybe a united front will stop the obnoxious behavior and make weekends more peaceful...
How old is your SD? It sounds like she's testing her boundaries to see how far she can go with certain behaviors. All kids do it to some extent. I think if you and DH and BM are consistant in correcting her when she butts in or interrupts, she'll get the message that it's unacceptable behavior.
My SDs used to interrupt ALL the time and eavesdrop and insinuate themselves into conversations that didn't concern them. I was trying to explain to SD 2 one time why her behavior was inappropriate and rude, and she started talking over me and then said, "I was TALKING!" when I continued what I was saying. I gave her an icy look myself and said, "Excuse me?" She knew that she'd crossed the line and she started crying. Then I explained to her that when someone is trying to tell her something, that interrupting and then saying, "I was talking" when the other person wasn't even finished was rude.
BUT, by the same token, if SD interrupts you while you're in the middle of the conversation, don't just cut her off. Tell her that she's interrupting and that as soon as you're done with what you're saying that she can have her say. Never just cut them off and not acknowledge the fact that she has something to say as well. Our SDs have gotten better about interrupting fiance' and I OR each other (I have 2 skids, they are twins)...and more often than not, one of them will ask, "Are you done? Can I say something?" and not in a snotty way...they just want to talk and want to make sure the other person is done talking! LOL
Glad things are working out atleast a little bit.
I think a lot of the issues come from being the only kid (with Gma while BM works, or w/BM after work) most of the week. So, she is one-on-one with an adult except at our house, where there are two more people. She honestly sees herself as on equal footing as the adults...she told DF this weekend she simply doesn't like being told what to do. He told her that's kinda too bad, because we are in charge at our house.
BM has told DF she knows SD acts better with us than @ her house or Gma's. The boundaries are much clearer with us, because we also have a 3.5 yo to parent.
BM's also said she just doesn't "have the energy" to tackle all of the bad behavior...which just reinforces SD can get away with a lot more when she's not w/us.
IMHO for this to work, BM's got to be prepared to be disliked in the short term to be seen as a parent instead of a friend.
Sandeeyo, can I ask how long it took for your SD's to get on board? And, were they doing it at BM's too? Did she reinforced your approach?
Thanks!
United Fronts DO work! I am/was a United Front with my kids ex-SM (who is now, clearly not in the picture any more... not going into the ex's nasty life details lol)... BUT with the BM of my stbSD , we just recently became that United Front, and stbSD8 has realized, she can't play Mom1 against Mom2 , not ...gonna...happen! It has been a blessing for this house hold. I hope your BM continues to back you up!
Quoting MonkeyDoodleMom:
SD is 7.5, and you're right: she is testing boundaries, for sure. She's done this interrupting act before but never so intensely.
I think a lot of the issues come from being the only kid (with Gma while BM works, or w/BM after work) most of the week. So, she is one-on-one with an adult except at our house, where there are two more people. She honestly sees herself as on equal footing as the adults...she told DF this weekend she simply doesn't like being told what to do. He told her that's kinda too bad, because we are in charge at our house.BM has told DF she knows SD acts better with us than @ her house or Gma's. The boundaries are much clearer with us, because we also have a 3.5 yo to parent.
BM's also said she just doesn't "have the energy" to tackle all of the bad behavior...which just reinforces SD can get away with a lot more when she's not w/us.
IMHO for this to work, BM's got to be prepared to be disliked in the short term to be seen as a parent instead of a friend.
Sandeeyo, can I ask how long it took for your SD's to get on board? And, were they doing it at BM's too? Did she reinforced your approach?
Thanks!
When fiance' and I first started dating, they were angels! LOL But then I started noticing that the girls would actually go toe-to-toe with him when they wanted something. They'd argue and fuss and carry on. Sometimes he'd hold his ground, but other times he'd give in. So the girls really had no reinforcement to see that the behavior was inappropriate. That carried over into inturrupting adult conversations, since, yes, they did feel that they were on equal ground with the adults. They actually treated their dad like he was another 9 year old! lol
SD's were a little older at 9 when I started working with them on the interrupting folks in the middle of conversations. And it was mostly because they'd interrupt EACH OTHER and then end up screaming and yelling because each couldn't get an word in edgewise! It was me or fiance' asking them to wait their turn, letting one speak and when they were done with the story, the other girl would get her turn. We did a lot of that over the dinner table since that's the time we're all sitting together in one place. I guess it just takes time and a lot of patience. We also praise them for being "good listeners" when one girl is talking. They're 11 now and I think they're better at reading non-verbal clues so it's a little easier for them to figure out when someone is done making a point It didn't take them too long to figure it out (not like years...more like a couple months, tops), maybe a couple of dinner time conversations and a little reminder here and there.
As far as BM is concerned, she likes to try and tell us how to conduct our business, but doesn't want to reciprocate with us when we have issues. She always says, "The girls are FINE when they're with me." So we're like OK whatev and we deal with whatever the issue is ourselves. I know the girls challenge her A LOT more than they do us and I think it's because fiance' and I are consistent in our expectations, so neither girl is confused about what WE expect of them. WIth BM it's another story. They challenge her and argue with her and SD 2 even called her stupid to her face once (she has NEVER done that with me)!
So I guess in our case, the parallel parenting thing works because even though BM is lax about common courtesy things with the girls, the girls are WELL AWARE of how we want them to conduct themselves in our presence and when they're out with us.
I think so long as you stay on top of SD's habit to interrupt, you can pretty much quash it at your home. Your lessons may very well carry over to BM's home...but it'll stick faster if she reinforces it. I guess we're just lucky that our girls want to "do the right thing" and be good kids.
sd11 has been doing this for quite some time (not recently in the last 2-3 months though) only with her we realized she was trying to give HER opinion to be heard.
At BM's house she's one of 5 kids and here she's only 1 of 3. So BM's got a full house-and we always have friends/family over so she just wanted to make herself known.
PLUS at our house-she was interfering with our parenting-trying to boss the younger kids-or if we were disciplining one of the younger kids-she was right along side us yelling at them as well..but again-that was from BM relying on SD for YEARS to watch over the younger kids (my ss5 and her ydd4)
We finally sat and talked to her-how waiting turns and what not-no problems since.
But now SS5's starting to do the same thing.
A united front does work and if BM and BF can work together with this, it'll be a lot easier. No matter what BM does SD though, you all just need to remain consistent at your home. It may take some time but SD will get the message.
My DS is 10 and has to be reminded about what are adult conversations, everything is not his concern and interrupting. The scene about grabbing the bag out the door.. my DS if has a attitude will expect me to get it. Its not really a overnight thing we have been trying to correct this issue a couple years. A united front is the best approach!!
Jealousy, confusion, frustration- oh joy...
- MonkeyDoodleMom
on Jul. 16, 2012 at 11:22 AM