My name is Coni, I am 46, I am married for the second time for almost 5 years, we have been together nearly 7 years. First husband passed away from a genetic disorder and we had 2 children, they are a 20 year old son and an almost 15 year old daughter. My new husband has 2 boys, a newly graduated 18 year old and a 12 year old. Their mother decided about 6 months afer my husband and I got together she no longer wanted the youngest boy. She was remarried with a new daughter, wanted to keep the older boy, did not want the younger, he moved in with us. There was verbal abuse in that home and all of the residual anger felt by their Mom toward their Dad was given to the youngest as he had ADHD and I think it made him an easy target for anger. When he came to us he was a mess, 45 minute screaming fits, he hit, screamed, did sneaky things, no impulse control, lied, got in trouble constantly at school. Basic menace. He is soooo smart, clever, funny. We have gotten him 99 miles of the 100 he needed to go but I find that I am exhausted by him and now feel resentful toward him. His father feels sorry for him, thinks he is the greatest thing ever and protects him from everything. He got a cell phone for his birthday and now uses it to tattle on me when I am doing something he thinks is unfair. I am so done I do not want to be around him at all. I do not hate him, he is a good kid for the most part, I think I am just seriously resentful after having spent 5+ years being his mother and raising him almost 100%. My husband was never much of a father before I showed up and is learning, but he never did anything before me. No making sure teeth were brushed, showers were taken, homework was done, etc. He didn't go to sport events if it wasn't "his" weekend, now he does all of it as I am that kind of Mom. I have raised his youngest, I know that I am a huge part in his becoming the much better child he is, but now I seem to simply be in the way. Now I get accused of being "mean" and it amy even be partly true as I have lost all patience with the constantly having to be the only parent in the house. The boy has learned how to play his Dad and does it. I don't think at this point it is a conscience manipulation, he isn't calculating, but I am weary of what it could become. For all of this and more I don't want to be in the same house with him. He is coming home tonight from a week with his Mom and I do not want to see him. I hate feeling like this. My husband isn't easy to talk to, he gets defensive fast and conversations about one child always turn into a my child versus your child situation. Thus I haven't said a word. I feel stuck. I am expected to be the parent but only if my husband approves and I can't parent this way. It is either I do it all and am left alone or he partners with me and we do it together not against each other.
Welcome to the group.
You have a classic case of "daddy needs to pull his head out of his ass and be a parent." It is unfair for you to take the bulk of the parenting responsibility. I can understand your resentment. Have you talked to DH any at all on how you feel and why you feel this way?
Does SS tattle on you to dad? If so, what does your DH do? I hope he backs you up!
My SD's are 11 and they both have a cellphone. Too young to have one in my opinion, since they've both used it inappropriately. Because of inappropriate use, SD 2 got hers taken away until the start of 6th grade, but SD 1 (they're twins) has hers because she worked harder to get it back.
I think you need to turn SS12 back over to his dad and tell dad that he needs to step up and be a dad.
This is exactly how a father should feel about his son.
You were never his mother. You did not spend 5 years being his mother, you spent 5 years being his stepmother.
My advice is, try to connect to your stepson again. Not as his mother, since he has a mother, and it isn't you. But as his stepmother. Try to find what it is about him that is lovable. there must be something, because you loved him once.
Quoting conijoy:thinks he is the greatest thing ever and protects him from everything.
He needs to step up and be the parent. As someone already asked, does he support you when SS tattles on you? I can understand your resentment. Now comes the hard part of getting rid of the resentment. I agree with WIKN about reconnecting with the child. SS may also be feeling some resentment also if you are doing the bulk of the parenting. He may be resentful of the fact that his dad is not doing it, especially since he mom pretty much dumped him on you guys. Is she involved at all? What kind of contact does she have with him. I apologize if I missed it in the OP but I'm trying to bounce between CM and work on the computer.
Your Dh needs to grow up and be the parent. You're not his mom and don't need to be because he has one. If your Dh won't back you on things that your Ss does while he's gone then he can find someone else to watch him while he's at work. You don't need to be treated like a doormat.
Thank you all for your words.
It is first, nice to know I am not the only one with all these mixed up feelings. I dislike enormously feeling resentful toward my SS. As I said he is so clever, thoughtful, smart and funny, none of this is his fault, he can't help the situation and he certainly didn't create it. But your resentments go where they go, irrational or not.
Second, I know that my frustration is with his Dad and I need to have a serious heart to heart with him. This is however, so much easier said than done. It is such a frustrating place and when their is so much frustration it is picked up on by the kids, they respond in a survival of the fittest manner and do things like using a cell phone, that I pay for, to tattle to their Dad about "how mean I am." My stepson has learned that if he whines enough his Dad will immediately feel sorry for him, believe every word he says and will attack whomever he has said is being mean.
My husband has tremendous guilt from not having been a part of his kids lives for years before getting sober and he feels guilt for having not had visitation from the time my SS was born until he was 2, then it was supervised. He earned the right to get my SS back and now is in a constant state of feeling sorry for him. I am sorry too that my SS has had to suffer through some icky stuff, but it is not parenting to feel sorry for him, it is parenting to try to undo the pain, hurt, bad behavior learned as a result and make sure he knows he is loved. We can not not parent because we feel sorry for him and we can not scold his Grandma when he whines she was mean, nor can my husband buy it when he whines to him that I am mean, especially when this is an all of the sudden thing. He is older and learning how to manipulate situations, not consciously, but that is what is happening.
Let me give big for instance. My stepson has a lazy eye with a major muscle issue. Since he was 2 his parents were suppose to have him do eye exercises to build the muscle strength and gain control of the eye so he can see with it. It can be fixed so that he can see out of it but he has to do these exercies to force the use of the eye because eventually it will be too late. His mother never did them and his Dad simply wasn't there. When we got custody I learned of this and oddly enough I had the same issue as a kid. I spent 2 years doing eye exercises and wearing patches, even had 2 surgeries. My stepsons is not as bad. I got him on my insurance and when he was 6 took him to the eye doctor. We were told he should wear a patch on his good eye every day for 2 hours. It started out okay, but after about a month I would come home and they would be sitting around and I would ask if he had worn his patch....nope...so eventually I become the shrew who is the only one reminding him to wear the patch, then the whining started and the complaining and my husband doesn't suppor the effort and after about 5 months I simply gave up and announced it wasn't my eye and I shouldn't be the only one who cares if he goes blind but since I was I was leaving it up to them. This cycle repeats itself everytime we visit the eye doctor. It has been going on for 6 years. I have tried to have consequences set out for when he doesn't wear the patch, I have tried patch logs, rewards, you name it, I have done it....it all eventually stops if I am not a shrew about it....I eventually get sick of listening to myself and hate being a shrew with zero support. He currently hasn't worn his patch since mid May. What can I do? If he were my child I would just ride their behinds constantly, but since he is not I can't ride his behind without being accused of being mean. So what do I do?
UGH
His Dad believes whatever his son tells him, he doesn't come to me and say, "he said this, what happened?" He comes to me and says, "you are meaner to him, you ride him constantly, you made him cry." This after I had sent him upstairs to clean his room - where I had also sent my daughter - instead of cleaning his room, which he hates, he started texting his Dad telling him how mean I was to him.
I think taking responsibility for our choices goes a long way in helping us feel less resentful. I'm seeing from your story how every peice of it comes back to the choices that you made. You married a man with baggage. He has kids AND parenting issues. Then after you married him you agreed to take on this role with his child. You allowed him to skirt the issues by doing all the work. Still, when it comes to the kiddos you're not the boss. That position isn't up for grabs. Understand that the choices YOU made got you to where you are today. Then, have a heart to heart with yourself. Where do you want tomorrow's choices to take you? If you start saying, but but but I'M the only one who is doing what is best for SS, then you will live on in the resentment. He has parents who are making the choices they feel are best for him. You need to make the choice that is best for you.
If BP doesn't have the money to see the kid.
Do You Think 50/50 Custody Is Good For the Kids?
- conijoy
on Jul. 16, 2012 at 4:45 PM