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Need a good place to start from

Posted by on Jul. 18, 2012 at 2:45 PM
  • 11 Replies

Hi!  Okay, so here's what I need some guidance on.....  I have become involved with a man going through a divorce.  Yes, yes, yes, the papers have been filed and no, I wasn't the cause.  LOL  He has a 5 year old daughter who is autistic.  Although the ex has been somewhat of a problem, I want to be the best step mum that I can.  The ex has been saying some non flattering things to the daughter about myself.  I realise that she is still in love with Dad and is hurting quite a bit, but it is over....  What can I do?

by on Jul. 18, 2012 at 2:45 PM
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Replies (1-10):
wkdwytch
by on Jul. 18, 2012 at 2:57 PM

As a mom and SM I say this with all due respect...you are not yet a SM and trying to act like one isn't the right way to start. You are dad's girlfriend and should want to be dad's girlfriend, not SM.

That being said, you can start by being a friend to her. You don't say the level of autism and, nothaving experience with that, I can't fully advise you. Don't do more than she is comfortable with and don't play mommy. Yes, you should have adult control, especially if you are alone with her at any point but you are not the boss unless/until it is your house. Learn as much as you can about her condition specifically, meaning how she is affected, not just about autism in general. Your boyfriend shoudl speak to mom about not discussing you or bad mouthing you and can actually have that put in a court order.

Good luck. This is a long, hard road, especially with a child of disability and a mom of meanness. Remember that you don't know the whole situation, even despite what he might tell you. The truth is usually somewhere in the middle of what he said/she said.

amonkeymom
by Amy on Jul. 18, 2012 at 3:59 PM

Welcome.

I agree with this.  Enjoy dating, enjoy getting to know this man and his daughter and don't push things farther than anyone is ready for.

Quoting wkdwytch:

As a mom and SM I say this with all due respect...you are not yet a SM and trying to act like one isn't the right way to start. You are dad's girlfriend and should want to be dad's girlfriend, not SM.




packermomof2
by on Jul. 18, 2012 at 4:02 PM

stay out of it. 

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jul. 18, 2012 at 4:04 PM
1 mom liked this

If I were you, I  would stop dating him until his divorce is final.

Or if you must date him, keep it on the down-low.

His wife is angry. This is not a good time for her to be accepting that that her DD will have a SM. You will fare much better in the end, if you give her time to grieve, and to process this life-changing event for herself and her daughter.

ShannaBee
by on Jul. 18, 2012 at 4:08 PM

The honest to God "It works" magic solution: IGNORE.

Ignore, ignore ignore!

Do not engage the ex. Do not talk to her. What you don't hear being said about you cannot hurt you.

I learned this the hard way. I would let myself get so worked up over the bullshit BM was saying about me. They are not worth the stress or aggravation. Once I began ignoring BM she eventually stopped (well, she is slow, it took about a year, but she did eventually quit trying to verally attack and harass me).

TempestRayne
by on Jul. 18, 2012 at 4:11 PM

 I agree.

Quoting amonkeymom:

Welcome.

I agree with this.  Enjoy dating, enjoy getting to know this man and his daughter and don't push things farther than anyone is ready for.

Quoting wkdwytch:

As a mom and SM I say this with all due respect...you are not yet a SM and trying to act like one isn't the right way to start. You are dad's girlfriend and should want to be dad's girlfriend, not SM.



Sondi7
by Sondra on Jul. 18, 2012 at 4:13 PM

I have to agree with most everyone else responding. Here are my thoughts. I'm just being honest here and if I hurt your feelings so be it.

1- He is not even divorced yet. There is issue #1. I am not saying people go through a divorce can't be in relationships but when there are children involved it is a whole other ball game.

2- YOU ARE NOT HER STEP MOM! Why you are trying to act like one is beyond me. The child has two capable parents who love. You are ONLY her fathers current fling. Until there is a ring on your finger- being a good step mom should be the least of your worries. 

3- Why are you even involved with the child already? The divorce isn't even final. Children need stability- even more so if they autistic. It is irresponsible of both you and her father to have her around so soon. 

4- Yes- her mother shouldn't be saying anthing to the child about you. However- I can't blame her for having negative feelings towards you. You are essentially dating her husband. The papers have been filed, that's it. Also- you are a new women in her autistic child's life. By your post I am going to assume you have over stepped your boundaries. 


My advice- as a step mom- would be take a step back. Date her father and not be around the daughter yet. When the time is right (after the divorce is final, you guys have been together for a while) sit down with her mother and have a mature adult discussion. Explain who you are, that you have her daughters best interest at heart, and that you want to work together in the best interest of the child.

This child is going through a great deal right now. Having an unfamiliar women try to be her "step mom" is not in her best interest. 

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jul. 18, 2012 at 4:24 PM

OP, let me share a little story with you.

About 3 years before I left my ex, when my kids were 2 and 4, he had an affair. I didn't find out until around the time I ended up leaving him. But, this affair was going on for 2 or 3 years. Beth, the mistress, was a friend of ours. My then-DH and Beth would do things together, and often they would take our kids. I was happy with this arrangment because it freed me up to do some of my hobbies. One year they all went to pick our our (mine and then-DH's) christmas tree. how cute is that? Anyway my point is (believe it or not) I had no idea they were having an affair. When I looke back on it, I realize they were playing family, back then.

Now I realize you are not having an affair, that's not where the analogy comes in. If I had known they were having an affair, I would have left him immediately. And taken my kids. I'd be the CP, he'd be the NCP, and I can tell  you I would NOT have been an easy BM to work with. I would not have accepted her as a parent, yada yada yada... let's just say, I wouldn't be the nicest BM in the world. 

however... a couple years later when I did actually leave him, he and Beth had already broken up. He didn't have a girlfriend (as far as I know) until several months after our divorce was final. Maybe even years. By that time, I was well over my failed marriage. And I was very nice to his girlfriends (all of them) and very supportive of their roles in my kids lives.

See? timing is everything. A BM going through a divorce is madder than a wet hornet. You really want to stear clear of her.  But if you give her time, she will probably be ready at some point to have a decent relationship with you. However, if you rush it, you might ruin the chance of that for good.

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Jul. 18, 2012 at 4:24 PM
1 mom liked this

OT, but that's one hell of a nickname you have there, Deathspank! LMAO

angelmommy2806
by on Jul. 18, 2012 at 4:41 PM
Just enjoy being dad's Gf and friend to his daughter. If you can have a healthy relationship it'll make it easier if you so become her Sm some day.
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