The wheels were set in motion today for DH to fight BM for full custody of his kids, 9 and 13. They have joint, DH is primary during the school year, BM is primary during the Summer. His lawyer is getting everything together this weekend and BM will be served next week, if she can be found. (She's currently out of town again with the new bf, without her kids of course.) He is going to try to get emergency custody of them until the actual custody hearing. In the past two weeks she has lost her job and is getting evicted AGAIN. She's in contempt in so many ways right now.
Here's the thing, the kids do not know about the custody fight. They have been with their aunt for the past week but will be back tomorrow. We do not want to tell them until BM has been served. We wouldn't do it then but we know that when she gets served she will start telling them that we are trying to take them away, we don't want them to see her, etc. We want them to hear it from us first and hopefully help them realize that we just want them here where they are taken care of and in a stable environment.
DH is not trying to take them away completely, just reduce her visitation to EOW year round. When she has them for more than a few days she runs out of food, takes off with her bf and leaves them with one person or the next, etc. She is all the time staying with whatever guy she is dating or having them stay with them. That is against the custody arrangement.
Anyways, when we talk to the kids, we're afraid they will get mad. SD is 9 and I don't think she will be too upset. She hasn't wanted to go to her mom's much lately because she doesn't like her new bf and he makes her "uncomfortable". So I don't think she will mind doo much. SS is 13 and is another story. He has always felt the need to "protect" his mom and "take care of her". He's always told us he has to. She plays off of it, she always has. He also gets free reign when he is with her. She tells everyone she doesn't want to be "that kind of parent" and wants to be their "friend" instead. He is allowed to go out at all hours (he has a 9PM curfew b/c he's on probation but she doesn't enforce it), and half the time she has no clue where he is. He doesn't have a bedtime, rules, chores, etc. She would rather let him have his way than to argue with him, we have witnessed it over and over. He does realize that she can't care for him, he has made comments about her being a disappointment many times. But, if SD or anyone else says something he feels is negative, he is quick to defend his mom. So, between wanting to be with his mom and protect her and being able to do what he wants with her, we have a feeling he is going to be mad at us. I don't know how to avoid it, other than not going to court, but DH has had enough and that is no longer an option.
Has anyone ever been here? How did you explain the situation to your stepkids? How do you keep them from turning against you when all you really want is for them to be cared for properly? Any advice? I'm going to bring it up to his counselor Monday but I was hoping that some of you may have been in similar positions and could help. Thanks!
Why would you tell the kids at all? it's not something to be discussed with kids. if you win your case, tell them then. That may be 6 months from now. If you lose, then they never need to know about it at all.
Quoting whatIknownow:Why would you tell the kids at all? it's not something to be discussed with kids. if you win your case, tell them then. That may be 6 months from now. If you lose, then they never need to know about it at all.
This! And if you are going to court why not just go for her to get them eowe...sounds like having then a whole summer she can't handle even of it is every other year...you are already spending the money right?
Quoting whatIknownow:Why would you tell the kids at all? it's not something to be discussed with kids. if you win your case, tell them then. That may be 6 months from now. If you lose, then they never need to know about it at all.
Quoting zannahdeux:Quoting whatIknownow:Why would you tell the kids at all? it's not something to be discussed with kids. if you win your case, tell them then. That may be 6 months from now. If you lose, then they never need to know about it at all.
This! And if you are going to court why not just go for her to get them eowe...sounds like having then a whole summer she can't handle even of it is every other year...you are already spending the money right?
but why are you stooping down to that level to bring the kids in adult matters? Are they just pawn pieces that you think some magic words will make them believe you and not her?
i wouldnt bring it up to the kids. And if she does, document it.
answer questions the kids have.. But id try not to insult her. Just be factual and caring and their dad would be better off being the one to lead any possible convos..
good luck!
I understand the point of not saying anything but we hope that maybe it won't be as bad if we get a chance to let them know before she has a chance to fill their heads with lies. We don't want to make them choose sides, that's the last thing we want to do. We'd love to keep them completely in the dark but BM won't do that.
We do our best not to say anything negative to or in front of the kids. We have slipped occasionally but for the most part she isn't discussed. In our case, DH probably isn't the best with any conversations. He and SS are a lot alike and they both want to jump to conclusions without completely hearing what the other person has to say. I usually end up being the mediator.
Quoting Bells2000:
sorry... I get you are worried she will spin it to make you look bad... Etc.
but why are you stooping down to that level to bring the kids in adult matters? Are they just pawn pieces that you think some magic words will make them believe you and not her?
i wouldnt bring it up to the kids. And if she does, document it.
answer questions the kids have.. But id try not to insult her. Just be factual and caring and their dad would be better off being the one to lead any possible convos..
good luck!
id still try to document/prove the stuff about the bm trying to put a wedge between the kids and their dad.
it might help you in court.
Quoting Bells2000:
good luck!
id still try to document/prove the stuff about the bm trying to put a wedge between the kids and their dad.
it might help you in court.
Would you be insulted? And a second question...
- Marie9076
on Jul. 21, 2012 at 12:16 AM