The wheels were set in motion today for DH to fight BM for full custody of his kids, 9 and 13. They have joint, DH is primary during the school year, BM is primary during the Summer. His lawyer is getting everything together this weekend and BM will be served next week, if she can be found. (She's currently out of town again with the new bf, without her kids of course.) He is going to try to get emergency custody of them until the actual custody hearing. In the past two weeks she has lost her job and is getting evicted AGAIN. She's in contempt in so many ways right now.
Here's the thing, the kids do not know about the custody fight. They have been with their aunt for the past week but will be back tomorrow. We do not want to tell them until BM has been served. We wouldn't do it then but we know that when she gets served she will start telling them that we are trying to take them away, we don't want them to see her, etc. We want them to hear it from us first and hopefully help them realize that we just want them here where they are taken care of and in a stable environment.
DH is not trying to take them away completely, just reduce her visitation to EOW year round. When she has them for more than a few days she runs out of food, takes off with her bf and leaves them with one person or the next, etc. She is all the time staying with whatever guy she is dating or having them stay with them. That is against the custody arrangement.
Anyways, when we talk to the kids, we're afraid they will get mad. SD is 9 and I don't think she will be too upset. She hasn't wanted to go to her mom's much lately because she doesn't like her new bf and he makes her "uncomfortable". So I don't think she will mind doo much. SS is 13 and is another story. He has always felt the need to "protect" his mom and "take care of her". He's always told us he has to. She plays off of it, she always has. He also gets free reign when he is with her. She tells everyone she doesn't want to be "that kind of parent" and wants to be their "friend" instead. He is allowed to go out at all hours (he has a 9PM curfew b/c he's on probation but she doesn't enforce it), and half the time she has no clue where he is. He doesn't have a bedtime, rules, chores, etc. She would rather let him have his way than to argue with him, we have witnessed it over and over. He does realize that she can't care for him, he has made comments about her being a disappointment many times. But, if SD or anyone else says something he feels is negative, he is quick to defend his mom. So, between wanting to be with his mom and protect her and being able to do what he wants with her, we have a feeling he is going to be mad at us. I don't know how to avoid it, other than not going to court, but DH has had enough and that is no longer an option.
Has anyone ever been here? How did you explain the situation to your stepkids? How do you keep them from turning against you when all you really want is for them to be cared for properly? Any advice? I'm going to bring it up to his counselor Monday but I was hoping that some of you may have been in similar positions and could help. Thanks!