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So over the game playing!!!!!

Posted by on Jul. 22, 2012 at 8:30 PM
  • 23 Replies

 Okay, so....I'm 6 months pregnant with my first and my BF has a 13 year old daughter. She lives in Wisconsin (where BF is from) and we live in Virginia. Mid-August, BF and I are going to Michigan (where I am from) because my friends are throwing me a baby shower. BF and BM have legal joint custody, but he never gets to see her now that we've moved to Virginia. Okay, I understand the distance is a little much and she doesn't want to put her on a plane unsupervised. I get that. Technically, I guess, BM is suppose to meet us halfway for all visits. When he lived in Wisconsin, she moved 3 hours away and he had to meet her halfway for visitation. Yes, I get that halfway between Wisconsin and Virginia is quite different from the 3 hour trip between the two cities they lived in before. So...since we are going to be in Michigan, BF asked if BM would be willing to bring his daughter over to Michigan so he could visit with her while we were up that way. She said that if he wanted her to bring her the whole way over, he needed to give her gas money for the whole trip. Of course that ticked us both off. We are already driving 18 hours and paying our own way, now she wants us to pay her way as well?!?! WTF?!?!? After doing some talking between he and I, we decided to make a trip back over to Wisconsin to visit some of his friends while we were up that way and just extend the trip a little bit. So, he calls BM and tells her that he will be in his hometown on that Sunday and asked if she would bring her down since it's only 3 hours away instead of asking her to drive all the way to Michigan. Her reply?? "Well, you still need to pay me gas money for the trip." He told her that was out of the question since we are already spending way too much money on the trip in the first place and if he wanted to be able to take his daughter shopping or out to eat while they visit, he wouldn't be able to afford to give her the gas money. She said that if he couldn't pay her gas, then she wasn't making the trip and if he really wanted to see his daughter, he would make the extra 3 hour trip.
I am beyond angry at this point. I know it's "just three hours," but three hours is actually six round-trip plus however many hours he wants to spend with his daughter so you might as well tack on ANOTHER day to our road trip which means ANOTHER day off work for both of us and ANOTHER night at a hotel. If we don't bend to her will, she's going to make us out to be the badguys and fill his daughter's head with "he doesn't care about you. he's too busy with his new life. he was only three hours away and wouldn't even come see you" bullshit that she already pulls. He doesn't have a lawyer on retainer for this stupid custody crap so our hands are tied as far as what we can do about all this. We just have to keep taking it. The trip is a little less than a month away (we asked to meet her on August 20th) and she's saying that she can't scrape up any gas money between now and then??? For real???? I just want to scream!! I feel so helpless as I watch his heart be put through the freaking wringer everytime BM has a moodswing. This is getting to be too much!!! What do I do?!?!

 

CafeMom Tickers
by on Jul. 22, 2012 at 8:30 PM
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Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jul. 22, 2012 at 9:19 PM

he should either go see his daughter or pay her the gas money. really how much money are we talking about? 20 bucks maybe?

This is the man you are having a child with. I hope you never end up in BM's position.

Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Jul. 22, 2012 at 9:29 PM
2 moms liked this
Idk if I am gettig the real picture but I have to say this,I can't imagine why the heck he hasn't went over there to visit his dd??

She's 13. She's fine to get in a plane. I dont understand why for a baby shower he'd go all the way over there but not for his kid? I'm sorry I might be projecting bc Ive seen this w one friend and also with someone Ive seen.

Honestly I feel if u can go on a long trip it better be to see your kid. I know BMs the one that moved away.

I cant even imagine but... Idk. I'd go w whatever BM said this time then try to form some other type of agreement for other visits.
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Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Jul. 22, 2012 at 9:33 PM
I totally get you feel it's not fair. Might be the pregnancy hormones. I'm 30 weeks. But I just feel he should do it no matter what BMs approach is on this.

He gets to see his dd! Yay!!! Rejoice!:-)
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TempestRayne
by on Jul. 22, 2012 at 9:34 PM

How long do you plan to be gone?

PeacefulPoet
by on Jul. 22, 2012 at 10:04 PM
1 mom liked this

 BM is the type of woman who never answers the phone when he calls to talk to his daughter. When he lived in Wisconsin, she would set up visitation, make him drive the three hour trip to her house and not be there when he arrived and not answer her cell phone but instead call the police to state that her ex (my BF) is tresspassing on her property and have him arrested. This past summer when we moved down here, she agreed to let daughter fly down for Thanksgiving break. We bought a plane ticket online, sent it to her email address and an hour before we were suppose to pick her up at the airport, we recieve a text that she changed her mind and didn't want daughter to fly alone so she didn't take her to the airport. So we lost the money spent on a plane ticket. We send her gifts for her birthday and Christmas and daughter never receives them. Or, like this past Christmas, she asked for a tablet so we sent her a giftcard to Best Buy for $400 to buy whichever tablet she wanted since her mother wouldn't answer the phone whenever he called to ask which she wanted. Did she get the giftcard? No. Did her mother buy her a tablet? No. So we basically gave BM $400 to buy herself something and daughter thinks he forgot about her. He will talk to daughter on FB and set up a time that he can call her and talk to her over the phone and then BM sends all his calls to voicemail and tells daughter that he never called even though he did call at least 20 times.

Clarification: We live in Virginia and she lives in Wisconsin. He no longer lives 3 hours from her. Anytime we have made plans to go to Wisconsin to visit over the last year since we've moved, BM cancels the day before. It's not $20 that she's asking for, she wants $60 for gas and for us to pay her wage for the day she is taking off from work. With her antics in the past, the last thing I want to do is make the additional trip to where she lives only to have her not be home. Then we will be out our gas money, hotel stay money and the additional money we lose for taking another day off work for our trip. Since we are driving the 1,200 miles to Wisconsin, why the hell can't she drive 145 miles to meet us where we will be staying with one of his friends for the night? If they have joint custody and she is suppose to meet us halfway, why do we have to pay her gas money??
What the hell am I missing to where everyone sees it as he and I making this difficult and she is the innocent one?!?!

Maybe you're right. Maybe we aren't doing enough. Maybe we are the bad guys here. Whatever.

Pero1
by on Jul. 23, 2012 at 8:22 AM
4 moms liked this

I'm of the opinion that the parent who moves should do ALL the driving and cover ALL the costs. This applies to both BM and BF.

liltigersmom
by on Jul. 23, 2012 at 8:42 AM
Why did dh move 18 hours away from his kid?
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liltigersmom
by on Jul. 23, 2012 at 8:44 AM
When is the last time your dh saw his kid?

How can you afford big ticket items, but not drive to get her?
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sassy711
by on Jul. 23, 2012 at 8:59 AM
1 mom liked this

Everyone is missing the point.  The dad has tried numerous times (if you read the additional post) to maintain contact with his child.  The BM  is doing everything she can to eliminate dad from daughter's life.  She is playing the game so many BM's do...make the dad pay.  So sad.  I recommend you and DH start documenting all the things BM does (not allowing phone calls, cancelling trips 1 hour before arrival, etc...) Your BF needs to write down dates, times and results/summary of what transpired.  If he can get a lawywer to enforce the visitation that would be great...but the primary purpose is to compile a data bank of information that your BF can show to his daughter when she's legal age to prove all the times he tried to keep a relationship with her but that the BM prohibited.  Then let the chips fall where they may....  BTW...I'd pay whatever it took for your BF to see his daughter (extra gas and money to BM, extra hotel etc)  because he will appreciate it later.  Good luck

 

court_1989
by on Jul. 23, 2012 at 11:29 AM
1 mom liked this
Quoting PeacefulPoet:

 BM is the type of woman who never answers the phone when he calls to talk to his daughter. When he lived in Wisconsin, she would set up visitation, make him drive the three hour trip to her house and not be there when he arrived and not answer her cell phone but instead call the police to state that her ex (my BF) is tresspassing on her property and have him arrested. This past summer when we moved down here, she agreed to let daughter fly down for Thanksgiving break. We bought a plane ticket online, sent it to her email address and an hour before we were suppose to pick her up at the airport, we recieve a text that she changed her mind and didn't want daughter to fly alone so she didn't take her to the airport. So we lost the money spent on a plane ticket. We send her gifts for her birthday and Christmas and daughter never receives them. Or, like this past Christmas, she asked for a tablet so we sent her a giftcard to Best Buy for $400 to buy whichever tablet she wanted since her mother wouldn't answer the phone whenever he called to ask which she wanted. Did she get the giftcard? No. Did her mother buy her a tablet? No. So we basically gave BM $400 to buy herself something and daughter thinks he forgot about her. He will talk to daughter on FB and set up a time that he can call her and talk to her over the phone and then BM sends all his calls to voicemail and tells daughter that he never called even though he did call at least 20 times.


Clarification: We live in Virginia and she lives in Wisconsin. He no longer lives 3 hours from her. Anytime we have made plans to go to Wisconsin to visit over the last year since we've moved, BM cancels the day before. It's not $20 that she's asking for, she wants $60 for gas and for us to pay her wage for the day she is taking off from work. With her antics in the past, the last thing I want to do is make the additional trip to where she lives only to have her not be home. Then we will be out our gas money, hotel stay money and the additional money we lose for taking another day off work for our trip. Since we are driving the 1,200 miles to Wisconsin, why the hell can't she drive 145 miles to meet us where we will be staying with one of his friends for the night? If they have joint custody and she is suppose to meet us halfway, why do we have to pay her gas money??What the hell am I missing to where everyone sees it as he and I making this difficult and she is the innocent one?!?! Maybe you're right. Maybe we aren't doing enough. Maybe we are the bad guys here. Whatever.



I would seriously take. Her to court that parent alinenation. It also contempt since she suppose to do half.
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