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Handling teen daughter's disrespect toward her Step-dad

Posted by on Jul. 25, 2012 at 3:24 PM
  • 12 Replies

My DH is good to my daughter and enjoys having her around. She is brutally honest sometimes and he likes that and never says anything to me about it, but I find it brutally rude sometimes and am getting embarrassed as I see it escalating on her part. For instance, yesterday she told him his son was "creeping" on her instagram. He is 21 and we all went on vacation together in the spring. They didn't talk that much and it is really no big deal, she just posted a picture and he "liked" it. She said it was weird because his picture came up but no name. I don't know anything about that kind of stuff but told her maybe he thinks he "knows" her (since she is his step sister!) and he was just saying the picture was cool, and you know maybe trying to make some kind of friendly contact. Anyway, she just acted to DH like his son was a weirdo.  She says his other son is weird too because he doesn't talk to her.

She says DH thinks he's funny, and I laugh and go along with it at her expense. Nobody can tease her about anything without her going off and getting nasty about it. I've tried talking to her after each incident but it doesn't stop and she always says he starts it with his comments. One was she couldn't find the pizza cutter and he suggested it might be in her bedroom. Totally possible because she eats in there constantly. She got mad and just said hatefully, "Alright you all just don't start." He just ignored it and let her go. When I tell her she's rude she then acts hurt and will cry because her mom is taking her stepdad's side and making her more left out of the picture. MY DH would love to have a closer relationship with her but she is so guarded at best and mean at worst. I wish I knew how to make it better.


by on Jul. 25, 2012 at 3:24 PM
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Replies (1-10):
sassy711
by on Jul. 25, 2012 at 4:07 PM
2 moms liked this

OK...sit down as this is going to hard to take.  Your DD is being a brat.  She knows EXACTLY what she's doing, causing you stress and attempting to make you choose between her and your DH.  Typical behavior.  You need to take control of the situation now before it gets out of hand and it will very quickly.  At a time when nothing is going on CALMLY speak with her and explain that you see she's having issues with your husband and your marriage.  Tell her you understand this is a time of adjustment for her BUT you will not tolerate disrespect from her toward your DH.  Tell her you love her dearly, but that the love of a mother for her child is not the same as the love between a man and wife.  Explain to her that you raised her to be a better person than to take "cheap shots" at someone and it really needs to stop.  Constantly remind her that you love her but that right now you don't like her behavior.  A few things to consider...is the BD in her life?  How long did you and DH date?  How old is your DD?  Is she your only child?  These are factors that can add to the underlying issue...not having mommy all to herself anymore.  Again, constantly remind her that you love her because she's your daughter...then add that you also love DH because he's your husband.  Depending on her age you may wish to create an analogy such as:  Do you love your pet Fido the same as you love Gramma?  Something similiar will suffice.  You need to show her how it is possible to love 2 beings at the same time but in different ways.  Maybe this will help.  Good luck

MrsJaiClark
by Bronze Member on Jul. 26, 2012 at 8:18 PM

 LOL I wish this is was rude as my kids got with DH! They have yelled "I HATE YOU!" and all sorts of things to him. It really hurts his feelings. :(

newstepmom61811
by on Jul. 26, 2012 at 8:50 PM
How old is your daughter? Could some o the attitude be age? My SD is starting to give both DH and I attitude, ignore us in public...because you know "we're nerds and embarrass her". We're simply dealing with a preteen now, not cool to her, everything we say or do is uncool. It's the phase my dad affectionately dubbed the "hatched from an egg" phase when I went through it. I acted like I had no parents and was hatched from an egg...
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rockinmomto2
by on Jul. 26, 2012 at 8:54 PM

I was exactly like that. I was a hateful little snot to my step dad. I felt like he replaced me and I always felt like the third wheel. However! I loved my step dad with all my heart and had he lived past my teen years, I would have apologized and he and I would have had a much better relationship. My advice? Don't do anything about it. Nothing you say will change her or her behavior. You can punish her and lecture her all you want...it won't change. Just ignore the behavior. Only talk to her or respond to her when she's polite. It will take all the control away from her and she'll learn how to talk to people respectfully. But you also have to remember that you cannot control every thing that comes out of her mouth. She's trying to figure out who she is and while it really sucks, she'll come out the other end and be a respectful young woman. 

Bertieb
by Bronze Member on Jul. 27, 2012 at 9:23 AM
Quoting rockinmomto2:

I was exactly like that. I was a hateful little snot to my step dad. I felt like he replaced me and I always felt like the third wheel.

I think she feels very left out and jealous too. If we go somewhere she will ask if he is coming first thing. On the other hand, she asks why he and I never go out anymore and do things with friends like we used too. I think she feels I'm just too wrapped up in him maybe? I bend over backwards for her and nothing has really helped. However, I finally took her phone the other night after an incident and I swear I think she respected me for it! She never asked for it back, I left it laying out in the kitchen and she hasn't touched it. Of course, I didn't take her computer and I know she can still use it but she has acted better.  Thanks for giving me a step daughter's perspective!

rockinmomto2
by on Jul. 27, 2012 at 9:43 AM
1 mom liked this

Sure! It's hard being a step daughter...at least it was for me. And being a teenager on top of it? The whole thing just sucked. Why don't you try to set aside time every week for just the two of you so that she feels like she's getting your undivided attention. It will help!

Quoting Bertieb:

Quoting rockinmomto2:

I was exactly like that. I was a hateful little snot to my step dad. I felt like he replaced me and I always felt like the third wheel.

I think she feels very left out and jealous too. If we go somewhere she will ask if he is coming first thing. On the other hand, she asks why he and I never go out anymore and do things with friends like we used too. I think she feels I'm just too wrapped up in him maybe? I bend over backwards for her and nothing has really helped. However, I finally took her phone the other night after an incident and I swear I think she respected me for it! She never asked for it back, I left it laying out in the kitchen and she hasn't touched it. Of course, I didn't take her computer and I know she can still use it but she has acted better.  Thanks for giving me a step daughter's perspective!



angelmommy2806
by on Jul. 27, 2012 at 9:44 AM
I wasn't all that great as a step daughter either. I pushed a lot of limits. Is her Bf involved? Mine wasn't and I think I wanted to test my Sf and see if he'd stay.
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Bertieb
by Bronze Member on Jul. 27, 2012 at 10:07 AM

Her BF lives 8 hours away. She visits him a couple times a year and he comes here every 3 or 4 months for a weekend. She misses him really badly and he can do no wrong in her eyes, even though he is the one that left us to pursue his own interests, said he was just a "rolling stone". Maybe seeing SF be a good dad to his boys, being stable and here for all of us hurts her and makes her lash out at him unconsciously for her dad not being that way??

TempestRayne
by Donna on Jul. 27, 2012 at 6:03 PM

 She sounds like a normal teenager.

7girls1boy
by on Jul. 28, 2012 at 12:28 AM

 This post was very helpful for me as well. It is a very real topic in our house. My DH and my 18 yo DD butt heads all the time but then my 14 yo SD and I butt heads all the time. We have been married a little over a year and we are all still trying to find our way. There are 10 of us all together so, we have some situations to figure out!

It really is nice to get the perspective of the step daughter.

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