ok, long story short, here's the sitch~ my DH has a 15 year old son that treats me like a pariah and has been allowed to do it with no repercussions from his Dad. His BM passed when he was just 6 and I've been involved since he was 7. Things have gotten worse since the teen years hit, the swearing at me, blatant disrespect, and just plain not doing as he is told. His father keeps telling me to back off but then doesn't step up to correct the problem. My DS, 9 will be moving in with us by next week. My biggest hurdle is going to be trying to help everyone to get along but how can I do that when I don't feel like I have the support or respect from my DH???
You should do what he suggest and back off-- disengage from parenting SS. You should concentrate on your DS and let BF handle(or mishandle) his son.
That means no rides to the mall, no laundry, no answering if he can spend the night at Joe's house. If your SS succeeds or fails it will fall directly in your DH's shoulders.
His father should be the one telling him what choes to do and deciding what punishments he recieves for not doing them.
Your biggest hurdle is making your DS feel comfortable in his new home NOT helping everyone to get along.
SS is 15-- he has 3-4 more years at home-- grit your teeth and bare it. It goes faster than you think.
It's hard to back off, which I know I should do. DH works nights and sleeps days, so it's me that has to deal with SS. I already don't do anything for him that he can't do himself (ie, laundry, chores, yadayadayada) I've made a promise to myself that I'm going to solely concentrate on making my DS happy in his new home. My DH has suggested we live as two seperate families in one household except at mealtimes. Nice idea, but not enough room in our house for that to even be an option.
why isnt there room for that???? it isnt a matter of phyical space it is a mental space. just act as if he isnt there . ignore him. concentrat on dh and ds. your ss does not exsist in your eyes. its very simple. you just have to make it happen.
if ss comes to you redirect him to his father. if dh gets woke up or phone calls at work often enough for silly crap he will have to step up and parent and teach his son not to disrespect you or any adult, just so he can get some sleep!
Quoting ScarlettLetter:It's hard to back off, which I know I should do. DH works nights and sleeps days, so it's me that has to deal with SS. I already don't do anything for him that he can't do himself (ie, laundry, chores, yadayadayada) I've made a promise to myself that I'm going to solely concentrate on making my DS happy in his new home. My DH has suggested we live as two seperate families in one household except at mealtimes. Nice idea, but not enough room in our house for that to even be an option.
yes, it is hard to back off....but DO IT.
I did it, and my husband worked 12 hr shifts at night and slept during the day...that's not my problem. It's also not your problem.
By your DH suggesting that you guys live as two separate families, he is down right telling you to not parent HIS son.
All you have to do is smile and move on, and concentrate on your child. I know it's hard at 1st. It gets easier, and if you slip that doesn't mean that you stop being disengaged. It's like a diet...just because you ate the pie last night doesn't mean you stop the diet....lol.
Stop giving the boy any type of attention. You might be surprised at the results.
now repeat after me....Not. My. Problem.
When he asks for something...answer in your head..not my problem. With a smile on your face you say, ask your dad. If dad is sleeping...again...not your problem.
When he does something he isn't supposed to do....you smile while walking away... and what are we saying in our head? Not my problem.
What's our motto? Not my problem.
I would not stay with someone who allowed his child to be blatantly disrespectful to me and also wants to live as two separate families....
You deserve better than that. Your son deserves better than that.
Quoting ScarlettLetter:It's hard to back off, which I know I should do. DH works nights and sleeps days, so it's me that has to deal with SS. I already don't do anything for him that he can't do himself (ie, laundry, chores, yadayadayada) I've made a promise to myself that I'm going to solely concentrate on making my DS happy in his new home. My DH has suggested we live as two seperate families in one household except at mealtimes. Nice idea, but not enough room in our house for that to even be an option.
i did it ! and it changed everything for the better! dh got to see what i was dealing with. it all changed very quick! dh ended up putting his foot down and ss snapped into shape. i still use not my kid not my problem on occasion, but not often.
Quoting E_is_4_Ethan:yes, it is hard to back off....but DO IT.
I did it, and my husband worked 12 hr shifts at night and slept during the day...that's not my problem. It's also not your problem.
By your DH suggesting that you guys live as two separate families, he is down right telling you to not parent HIS son.
All you have to do is smile and move on, and concentrate on your child. I know it's hard at 1st. It gets easier, and if you slip that doesn't mean that you stop being disengaged. It's like a diet...just because you ate the pie last night doesn't mean you stop the diet....lol.
Stop giving the boy any type of attention. You might be surprised at the results.
now repeat after me....Not. My. Problem.
When he asks for something...answer in your head..not my problem. With a smile on your face you say, ask your dad. If dad is sleeping...again...not your problem.
When he does something he isn't supposed to do....you smile while walking away... and what are we saying in our head? Not my problem.
What's our motto? Not my problem.
yep, I have to use it on occasion still too. I think it gives DH bad flash backs..haha
Quoting rose0919:i did it ! and it changed everything for the better! dh got to see what i was dealing with. it all changed very quick! dh ended up putting his foot down and ss snapped into shape. i still use not my kid not my problem on occasion, but not often.
Quoting E_is_4_Ethan:yes, it is hard to back off....but DO IT.
I did it, and my husband worked 12 hr shifts at night and slept during the day...that's not my problem. It's also not your problem.
By your DH suggesting that you guys live as two separate families, he is down right telling you to not parent HIS son.
All you have to do is smile and move on, and concentrate on your child. I know it's hard at 1st. It gets easier, and if you slip that doesn't mean that you stop being disengaged. It's like a diet...just because you ate the pie last night doesn't mean you stop the diet....lol.
Stop giving the boy any type of attention. You might be surprised at the results.
now repeat after me....Not. My. Problem.
When he asks for something...answer in your head..not my problem. With a smile on your face you say, ask your dad. If dad is sleeping...again...not your problem.
When he does something he isn't supposed to do....you smile while walking away... and what are we saying in our head? Not my problem.
What's our motto? Not my problem.
Thou my SS's aren't as old as you SS ... they can be very cruel to me as well. Also I am in the same boat as you when it comes to the father working nights and sleeping must of the day. Thou you can in a better place then I , your SS is older and yes he is able to take care of his self. I agree with the others sit back and wait. You start ignoring him and soon he will wonder why. He might even start coming around more, seeing you and your DS happy he might see that what he is doing is wrong and he might just surprise you. Talk to you husband and tell him you feelings then leave it at that. GOODLUCK
for some reason men tend to forget they are parents. we need to give them a taste of reality. even with shared biokids it works. moms just need a break and dads need that slap into reality.
Quoting E_is_4_Ethan:yep, I have to use it on occasion still too. I think it gives DH bad flash backs..haha
Quoting rose0919:i did it ! and it changed everything for the better! dh got to see what i was dealing with. it all changed very quick! dh ended up putting his foot down and ss snapped into shape. i still use not my kid not my problem on occasion, but not often.
Quoting E_is_4_Ethan:yes, it is hard to back off....but DO IT.
I did it, and my husband worked 12 hr shifts at night and slept during the day...that's not my problem. It's also not your problem.
By your DH suggesting that you guys live as two separate families, he is down right telling you to not parent HIS son.
All you have to do is smile and move on, and concentrate on your child. I know it's hard at 1st. It gets easier, and if you slip that doesn't mean that you stop being disengaged. It's like a diet...just because you ate the pie last night doesn't mean you stop the diet....lol.
Stop giving the boy any type of attention. You might be surprised at the results.
now repeat after me....Not. My. Problem.
When he asks for something...answer in your head..not my problem. With a smile on your face you say, ask your dad. If dad is sleeping...again...not your problem.
When he does something he isn't supposed to do....you smile while walking away... and what are we saying in our head? Not my problem.
What's our motto? Not my problem.
agreed.
You just made me think of a song. Which DH loves!
Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity. -Eminem
I think I just found a new motto to tell DH when I feel a disengagement is about to happen .....bwhahaha
Quoting rose0919:for some reason men tend to forget they are parents. we need to give them a taste of reality. even with shared biokids it works. moms just need a break and dads need that slap into reality.
I'm going to have a shirt made...
- ScarlettLetter
on Jul. 28, 2012 at 10:34 AM