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Why does this make me crazy? BM being in my home.

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My DH and his ex wife are finally on better terms and can talk about the kids without fighting.  For the last few weeks they have been meeting weekly for about 15 minutes to talk about the kids (sd 4, and ss 3).  They have been doing this at our house typically while I'm off to pick up my BD.  I thought this would be okay...I was wrong. 

This last week when BD and I arrived home they were still meeting.  I pulled into the garage and BM was coming out the door to the garage because SD wanted to greet us.  Which she can do by herself but anyway.  I said hello as did my BD and then BM went back in the house and closed the door.  When we came in the house BM was still talking with DH and chatting it up about some event she went to the other night without the kids.  Then she leaves and instead of going out the door she came in, she went out the back door, thru the back yard like she owns the place.  I'm not sure why she went that way...very strange.

I know none of this is horrible, but each time I come home when they are meeting I feel like an outsider in my own home.  We barely get greeted by my DH or the skids since they are all talking...he does say hello, but it's not like normal.  She demands a lot of attention when she is around, it's just her personality and I am not that way so it's tough to come into my own home and be hijacked by the ex wife. 

I'm sure I'm being crazy, but it's really bothering me.  Any help, suggestions or guidance would be great.  I'm tired of feeling frustrated everytime they drop off and meet. 

And is it bad if I don't want her in my home?  Maybe that is what is bothering me so much.

by on Jul. 30, 2012 at 11:48 AM
Replies (21-26):
by Ruby Member on Jul. 30, 2012 at 5:19 PM
So it is you and your friends that need chaperones? I never knew it was a measure of respect not to be alone with a married person of the opposite sex in their home.

Just to be clear, BM in the home is way different than random neighbor woman in home. I never got the vibe that the OP was worried about BM hitting on her husband. It is just an uncomfortable feeling of invasion. I totally get that.

But I am hijacking this post a bit because I find this interesting. People seriously think it would be disrespectful of me to go to my friend's house and choose to stay and hang out with her husband if she wasn't home? What if my friend had a wife? Can I hang out with her alone if my friend is not there? What if I am a lesbian? What are the respect rules then?

It still sounds to me that you and your friends are not to be trusted around other people's husbands. Or you don't trust your friend's around your husband. Or you don't trust your husband.

Quoting Bells2000:

eh, i never said dh had to have a chaperon.

i just respect my friends and neighbors that if i go to visit them and they arent home... I leave. I have no need or interest in one on one time with someone elses so.

i just think if the op is not comfortable in her own home, the bm /whoever has no reason to be there alone. I can see where issues can pop up, especially if the lady of the house cant even get a proper greeting from her hubby..... Because he is too engaged with an ex.

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by on Jul. 30, 2012 at 5:27 PM

I welcome sm into my home. I have also been in hers. We get along, though, and there is no "walking around like I own the place" attitude from either of us. 

Bm is another story. My dh would never put himself in a position in which he was alone with her as she is known to make baseless accusations. And she is definitely not welcome in my home.

You need tell your dh about your discomfort. The meetings need to take place elsewhere...but I have to ask why on earth do they need to do one on one's once a week? Are there issues with a kid? I get along wonderfully with my ex and I can't tell you the last time we sat down to talk about our child. Email should suffice unless there are problems.

by Ruby Member on Jul. 30, 2012 at 5:42 PM

 honestly i wouldnt like it either. my SO is now civil with his BM but i maintain that boundary. when we pick up the kids, i do not venture past her driveway and expect the same respect.

by on Jul. 30, 2012 at 6:09 PM

If I were in that situation I'd feel the same way - somewhat like an invasion of privacy. They could talk outside. If it absolutely had to happen, I'd walk in like I own the place ('cause I do!) and join in. If that made BM uncomfy, she'd be welcome to take her chat elsewhere.

In my situation though, BM wouldn't step foot in the house if I were within a 25 mile radius. This week however, she's been coming over in the morning after we leave for work to pick up the SKs and I have this nagging feeling that she's been in the house...eww.

by on Jul. 30, 2012 at 7:09 PM
eh, take it how you want.

when i want to see friends, i want to go see them. Why would i want to wait hours alone with someone elses bf/husband/fiance?

sure some of them might crochet or paint.. But we have nothing in common like that. Id rather find something else to do with my time than sit there alone with them.

what is your definition of respect?

i know some people who dont care who is alone with their so's, others who get pissed if their so so much as talks to a stranger of the opposite sex, and hell, a sil who gets mad everytime her bf is not at home because he cant keep it in his pants. Etc. But to respect them in their relationships and not possibly add to their possible discomfort, i would not chose to just "hang out" for hours while the reason to be there isnt present.

i dont care what you do, who is gay/lesbian/etc.

its my choice on if i stay alone with a guy or not.

if there is no purpose to be with them doing something, why be there?

if i hang out with a guy friends gf, its not beu
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by on Jul. 30, 2012 at 7:12 PM
because i just went over and stayed, waiting for him. Its usually because she and i meet while doing something together with friend. and if it happens to come up there is something we can do together without him, so be it.

but for me there usually is a reason/purpose of a visit to someone elses house.
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