Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

I am a 36 year old mother of a 6 year old boy from a previous marriage and a step mom to 14 year girl. I married my husband about 3 years ago. My stepdaughters mom moved about 1300 miles away 2 years ago and I have been raising my 14 year old stepdaughter full time since. My husband and his daughter have always had what he calls a "special relationship". They are always all over each other, hugs, kisses, rubs, hand holding. While she was younger it was cute but now that she is older it just seems so inappropriate. I can't come within a foot of my husband without my step daughter coming between us to give him kisses, hold his hand, rubbing his thigh;I've tried talking to my husband but he seems clueless. He tells me I'm just jealous of their relationship. We are going on vacation next week and we are staying in a one bed hotel with a pull out coach. My husband explained that our room only has one bed and asked that I sleep with my son on the coach so that he and his daughter can share the bed since his daughter would be uncomfortable sharing a bed with my six year old son. This is not the first time I have been asked to give up my martial bed to accommodate my step daughter. I told my husband in no uncertain terms that I would not give up my place in my martial bed to sleep on a pull out coach. My husband made the concession and paid extra to have a roll-a-way bed placed in our room.

My problem is that he did not see anything wrong with sharing a bed with his 14year old daughter. My relationship with my husband has become really strained in the last two years. When my step daughter's mom left my step daughter has had to have constant affection from her dad. I understood that need in the beginning but I can't take it any more. I see the two of them on the coach laying side by side or in the pool with their legs wrapped around each other and I don't know whether to scream, call the cops, or call a therapist for the entire family. I can't sit beside my husband in a restaurant because my step daughter doesn't want to sit beside my son. When I come home I find my husband laying in bed with my stepdaughter while my son sits alone watching TV in the living room. If we go out for family trips I can't even stand beside my husband because his daughter will edge her body between ours, grab his hand, and I am but a distant memory watching them have fun together. I've tried talking to my husband multiple times but he thinks I'm "jealous and that his daughter is naive and young and really doesn't know she is doing anything wrong". My problem is that he knows its wrong and that the relationship is unhealthy but he says his daughter needs him more then I do.

At this point I feel like my husband has completely abandoned me and has no compassion for my wants and needs as both a woman and wife. I watch my husband deal out affection and love towards a teenage girl all day, holding her hand, rubbing her back, brushing her hair, that by the end of the day I really don't even want him touching me. Before we got married they were showering together and she would sleep in his bed but I put a stop to that with a quickness. Just as important, I am having trouble relating to and enjoying my stepdaughter. I hate to see her coming most of the time because I know as soon as she come in the room myself and my son with not be seen or heard. Am I alone, has this ever happened to anyone else? Am I losing my mind? Am I jealous of a 14year old girl? Help!!!!!!!!!!

by on Aug. 1, 2012 at 3:06 PM
Replies (111-113):
by Bronze Member on Aug. 9, 2012 at 1:54 AM
1 mom liked this
I want to know if you've decided what to do, OP. Keep us posted!
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Aug. 9, 2012 at 3:07 AM

Quoting whatIknownow:

maybe they don't marry for love the second time either.

Maybe "something is wrong" with the second marriage too.

marriages shouldn't make it 'for the kids." Either it makes it, or it doesn't.  This isn't what she was saying, I don't believe.  If neither parent is putting each other first and they are constantly bumping heads, obviously it's not going to work.  If one parent is always putting the kids first and leaving their spouse in the cold, it's not going to work.  By putting each other FIRST, it means that the parents work together as a team, and then they work together with the kids, in any way that works for them.  But you can't be doing things separately.  When parents work together, it isn't for the SAK E of the kids- that's just how it ends up being.  It's better for everyone if the people in the marriage put each other first (except in extreme situations) because that means they have a common ground and discuss and reflect with each other instead of deciding on their own what is good for the kids.  Not to mention, even if it is a second marriage, it doesn't make it less important just because there were kids before it.  A happy, stable parent is better for their children, and a happy marriage can make all the difference.  

the idea that the marriage should be put "first" FOR THE SAKE OF THE KIDS is rediculous, since if it were going to be "for the sake of the kids," it would have been "for the sake of the kids" the first time around, when it was the mother and the father of those kids.

So I think the argument that the (second) marriage should be put first "for he sake of the kids (of the first marriage)" is just stupid.

bottom line is... if my Ex and his wife were to get divorced, it would have no effect on our kids whatsoever. They Would.Not. Care. 

so if (and it's a big if) my ex's wife is thinking that she should put her marriage to her Dh first, for the "sake" our my kids, that's just plain silly. My kids couldn't care less if she and their dad got divorced or not. The only marriage that would have mattered at all to them, is OUR marriage.  I would be devastated if my dad and stepmom got divorced.  They split up for about a year and it made me sad.  I would be devastated if my mom and stepdad got divorced, as well.  Despite the grudges my parents held against each other, I developed a relationship with BOTH of my step parents and love them.  I would have been just as upset as a kid/teenager.  So not ALL step kids feel the same as YOUR kids do about their step parents.  That's just YOUR situation.

Quoting Lasttime:

That's stupid.  They are ALREADY divorced...something went wrong.  We "second wives" cannot put our DH's back with their first wives.  To us, it's OUR relationship and we expect what should come with that relationship...and if we believe in spouses coming first, then we believe that applies to us also.  It's idiotic to think that just because we're "second" we deserve less than the first.

Sometimes people didn't marry for love the first time.  Sometimes it was because of a pregnancy or because they made a HUGE mistake because they were young.  Whatever the case may be.......what sense does it make that second wives don't get to EXPECT to be put first and that it's "funny"?  

It IS detrimental that a marriage not make it, for the kids.  Especially kids who have already been thru a divorce.  You think they need a second marriage to fail and for their families to be split up yet again?

I thought this way as a FIRST wife.  It's asinine to think that I deserve something less just because my DH made a mistake before me....

Quoting whatIknownow:

Quoting momx2stepmomx1:

We've all been told that the children need to come first, but if a marriage is not successful it is detrimental to not only the couple but all children involved.  Hang in there!

I find it funny... that so many second wives think this way. But if their husbands had thought this way, they never would have gotten divorced from BM in the first place. The second wives think this should apply to their marriage, but should not have applied to the marriage before theirs.

by on Aug. 9, 2012 at 3:16 AM

Quoting Pero1:

Quoting Lasttime:

Wow, you're amazing too.  

Yes, I said THAT'S stupid....the notion that "second wives" don't deserve to be FIRST.  It's a new relationship, a new beginning and a new shot at GETTING IT RIGHT.

The problem is that a second wife - whilst she certainly isn't second class - will hardly ever enjoy the perks of a first marriage ... i.e. the lack of an ex!


I'd have to say my mom is enjoying her second marriage MUCH more than ther first marriage.  They got married only because she got pregnant.

She got married the second time because she loved my stepdad, pure and simple.  So there were a lot more perks with it, even if they both came with kids from previous relationships!

A second marriage is a second chance- and I'd have to say, a second chance is a blessing to most!

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)