college expenses with your ex? What does your CO say?
My 16yo son is going to college next year. Our CO says his father gets to stop paying CS if son goes away AND he helps contribute to college expenses. He is constantly behind to me in the "extra's" not covered by CS (right now to the tune of $2K) and we've been to court 5 times in 10 years being divorced over money. I have asked him (though I know the answer) how he plans on paying his share of the expenses. I explained that he has two choices: pay the same CS and not pay college or pay less CS and pay half of college like the CO says. Of course, if son gets full financial aid, he doesn't have to pay CS while son is away.
To further complicate this, he has had to "pay me off" several times over the 10 years after getting behind to me in the same types of extras (besides the times we have gone to court.) So, I told him that if he elects to lower his CS and pay half the college expenses, then he needs to pay them upfront. I am not a bank and am sick of him acting like I am. I also am not comfortable with him making a payment plan with the school because I will get the bill or my son kicked out if he doesn't pay them on time (not sure I can enforce it but will surely try.)
So what have you done, or plan to do? And, what would you do if you were me?
Quoting rose0919:
i had it written into our divorce. he is to pay half of dd tuition till she is 21. she will be responcible after that
Yes, that's what we have but I am afraid that somehow I will get screwed. If he agrees to the half and doesn't pay it upfront, I am going to have to pay it to keep my son in school, then take him to court. Then, they will allow him to add it to the arrears and I won't get the CS and it will take a long time to recoup the money through the arrears. It almost makes me want to send my son to the local community college first but he has his heart set on a particular school. It's a state school so not a lot of money in comparison to other 4 year schools. I guess I am going to have to base his going there on my own pocketbook and not count on anything from the ex.
Is your dd in college yet? If so, is ex paying like the CO says?
it shouldn't go to arrears, it has nothing to do with child support. it would have to be a civil suit. dd is still in middle school but she is already looking to high school programs that will help her with college. she wants to be a vet so she is going to a vo ag program for high school. with her grades she will most likely get scholarships, she is in advanced programs and pull A's so im not to worried if he doesn't pay. but i will sue him if he doesn't come through.
Quoting wkdwytch:
Quoting rose0919:
i had it written into our divorce. he is to pay half of dd tuition till she is 21. she will be responcible after that
Yes, that's what we have but I am afraid that somehow I will get screwed. If he agrees to the half and doesn't pay it upfront, I am going to have to pay it to keep my son in school, then take him to court. Then, they will allow him to add it to the arrears and I won't get the CS and it will take a long time to recoup the money through the arrears. It almost makes me want to send my son to the local community college first but he has his heart set on a particular school. It's a state school so not a lot of money in comparison to other 4 year schools. I guess I am going to have to base his going there on my own pocketbook and not count on anything from the ex.
Is your dd in college yet? If so, is ex paying like the CO says?
College expenses are not in the CO. I already know that there would be no way to get him to pay for that so it would be a huge waste of time on my part.
Quoting rose0919:
it shouldn't go to arrears, it has nothing to do with child support. it would have to be a civil suit. dd is still in middle school but she is already looking to high school programs that will help her with college. she wants to be a vet so she is going to a vo ag program for high school. with her grades she will most likely get scholarships, she is in advanced programs and pull A's so im not to worried if he doesn't pay. but i will sue him if he doesn't come through.
In my state, it goes through support court in family court so they call it arrears and add it to any that currently exist. He also lives in another state so I am better off the way my state does it because civil court would be an issue.
Quoting wkdwytch:
Quoting rose0919:
i had it written into our divorce. he is to pay half of dd tuition till she is 21. she will be responcible after that
Yes, that's what we have but I am afraid that somehow I will get screwed. If he agrees to the half and doesn't pay it upfront, I am going to have to pay it to keep my son in school, then take him to court. Then, they will allow him to add it to the arrears and I won't get the CS and it will take a long time to recoup the money through the arrears. It almost makes me want to send my son to the local community college first but he has his heart set on a particular school. It's a state school so not a lot of money in comparison to other 4 year schools. I guess I am going to have to base his going there on my own pocketbook and not count on anything from the ex.
Is your dd in college yet? If so, is ex paying like the CO says?
Quoting momof2cuteboys:
College expenses are not in the CO. I already know that there would be no way to get him to pay for that so it would be a huge waste of time on my part.
That's kind of how I am feeling but also feel like, since it is in there, he would be getting away with something if I don't enforce it.
I personally feel that post secondary support/expenses should not be an obligation or part of a divorce/child support agreement.
If parents have the ability then it is the responsibility of the kids, who are now turning into adults, to ASK their parents INDIVIDUALLY the terms for their participation in post-secondary financial support.
I feel this way because it shows the child is taking an active role in their post-secondary education and the other parent is not leading the child, it makes the parent take an active role WITH their child regarding the same.
When it is included as a support or part of the decree then it forces a future choice that is completely optional for any parent to deviate from at any point. Those choices, which are important to me as a parent, include discipline, entitlement, financial reasons and ability. My oldest daughter may love to go to an University but only to party - I don't think it's fair to force one parent or the other to not say "I don't think she's mature enough and I'd like to see more responsibility."
Post-secondary support that is enforceable through those means sends all the wrong messages for the wrong reasons, in my opinion. It does the exact opposite of what should be a decision between parent and child. In this case, it would be between both parents individually and child.
Quoting Troubleswife:
I personally feel that post secondary support/expenses should not be an obligation or part of a divorce/child support agreement.
If parents have the ability then it is the responsibility of the kids, who are now turning into adults, to ASK their parents INDIVIDUALLY the terms for their participation in post-secondary financial support.
I feel this way because it shows the child is taking an active role in their post-secondary education and the other parent is not leading the child, it makes the parent take an active role WITH their child regarding the same.
When it is included as a support or part of the decree then it forces a future choice that is completely optional for any parent to deviate from at any point. Those choices, which are important to me as a parent, include discipline, entitlement, financial reasons and ability. My oldest daughter may love to go to an University but only to party - I don't think it's fair to force one parent or the other to not say "I don't think she's mature enough and I'd like to see more responsibility."
Post-secondary support that is enforceable through those means sends all the wrong messages for the wrong reasons, in my opinion. It does the exact opposite of what should be a decision between parent and child. In this case, it would be between both parents individually and child.
To the extent that college expenses should be discussed while in the planning stages, I agree. The problem I have is that the order was written 10+ years ago and I didn't think about it, just went along with it. I only asked for what I was legally entitled to and this was put it by the lawyers as something I was legally entitled to. I didn't anticipate such issues with my ex paying support, just as I didn't anticipate he would become an absent parent. The reason it was written the way it is was to protect me from having to foot the entire college bill while he gets out of paying CS because the child went away to school. Now, I feel that if I don't enforce this, he gets away with not having to pay CS and not having to contribute to college. He has already gotten away with some things I choose not to enforce (ex: some med co-pays are so small that I don''t bother. Our order also has a separate division of clothing allowance because he got a twice yearly check when employed by the union that we bought their clothes with. My lawyer didn't want me to lose that money so wrote it in. I didn't get anything out of the last 4 checks and he isn't in the union anymore so clothing is through the basic support, as normal.)
The school isn't expensive, as it is a state school, so I don't anticipate a big shortfall. But, it is, of course, more than the community college.
Quoting wkdwytch:
Quoting Troubleswife:
I personally feel that post secondary support/expenses should not be an obligation or part of a divorce/child support agreement.
If parents have the ability then it is the responsibility of the kids, who are now turning into adults, to ASK their parents INDIVIDUALLY the terms for their participation in post-secondary financial support.
I feel this way because it shows the child is taking an active role in their post-secondary education and the other parent is not leading the child, it makes the parent take an active role WITH their child regarding the same.
When it is included as a support or part of the decree then it forces a future choice that is completely optional for any parent to deviate from at any point. Those choices, which are important to me as a parent, include discipline, entitlement, financial reasons and ability. My oldest daughter may love to go to an University but only to party - I don't think it's fair to force one parent or the other to not say "I don't think she's mature enough and I'd like to see more responsibility."
Post-secondary support that is enforceable through those means sends all the wrong messages for the wrong reasons, in my opinion. It does the exact opposite of what should be a decision between parent and child. In this case, it would be between both parents individually and child.
To the extent that college expenses should be discussed while in the planning stages, I agree. The problem I have is that the order was written 10+ years ago and I didn't think about it, just went along with it. I only asked for what I was legally entitled to and this was put it by the lawyers as something I was legally entitled to. I didn't anticipate such issues with my ex paying support, just as I didn't anticipate he would become an absent parent. The reason it was written the way it is was to protect me from having to foot the entire college bill while he gets out of paying CS because the child went away to school. Now, I feel that if I don't enforce this, he gets away with not having to pay CS and not having to contribute to college. He has already gotten away with some things I choose not to enforce (ex: some med co-pays are so small that I don''t bother. Our order also has a separate division of clothing allowance because he got a twice yearly check when employed by the union that we bought their clothes with. My lawyer didn't want me to lose that money so wrote it in. I didn't get anything out of the last 4 checks and he isn't in the union anymore so clothing is through the basic support, as normal.)
The school isn't expensive, as it is a state school, so I don't anticipate a big shortfall. But, it is, of course, more than the community college.
I understand but the real issue isn't the issue you are facing at all. Everything in your post talks about things you were entitled to all along but didn't get. It's dragging on unresolved divorce issues.
College isn't something that anyone is legally entitled to. That's the problem I have with this thought process. It's a choice. There is a difference. Raising your child isn't a choice. The court and state enforce it (much of the time) so if your Ex wasn't paying his support or meeting the obligations then that's the real issue.
All this seems is a way to justify getting back at someone for letting you down and continuing the drama. Still, I understand the feelings I just think that if he is an uninterested or uninvolved parent this won't fix the past or the present and it will turn into more heartache in the long run.
Sometimes attorney's lack common sense and sometimes entitlement is another form of vindication.
I totally agree with this. I find it funny that I've had women get pissed with me because they feel the child is entitled to CS when they go to college and yet MOST of these women were keeping the CS for themselves and just giving the child SOME of it. Even if the father didn't have any arrears.
Instead of forcing it (unless the father makes SOOOO much that having him pay it won't affect him financially) then nope they shouldn't. It's also those same women that have never been a step parent and haven't had to deal with their husband's money going out to CS and then still going out after the child is grown. It definately would change SOME not all if they had to pick up the slack financially because their husband couldn't.
Quoting Troubleswife:
I personally feel that post secondary support/expenses should not be an obligation or part of a divorce/child support agreement.
If parents have the ability then it is the responsibility of the kids, who are now turning into adults, to ASK their parents INDIVIDUALLY the terms for their participation in post-secondary financial support.
I feel this way because it shows the child is taking an active role in their post-secondary education and the other parent is not leading the child, it makes the parent take an active role WITH their child regarding the same.
When it is included as a support or part of the decree then it forces a future choice that is completely optional for any parent to deviate from at any point. Those choices, which are important to me as a parent, include discipline, entitlement, financial reasons and ability. My oldest daughter may love to go to an University but only to party - I don't think it's fair to force one parent or the other to not say "I don't think she's mature enough and I'd like to see more responsibility."
Post-secondary support that is enforceable through those means sends all the wrong messages for the wrong reasons, in my opinion. It does the exact opposite of what should be a decision between parent and child. In this case, it would be between both parents individually and child.
If BP doesn't have the money to see the kid.
Do You Think 50/50 Custody Is Good For the Kids?
- wkdwytch
on Aug. 3, 2012 at 2:48 PM