Hello all!

[sadstepmom1970]

My name is Heidi.  I am 42 years old , mother of 2 boys Drew is 20 and Brennan is 9.  I remarried about 3 years ago to Dave , father of Morgan who is 12 yrs old.  I am hoping that I can get some advice about how to handle my stepdaughter and how to get my husband to stop defending her all the time and actually team up with me the other parent.  Blended families are sooo hard.  The kids get along well , (my oldest doesnot live at home).  But Morgan is spoiled and throws small tempers when she doesnot get her way, talks disrespectfully she told me she hated me the other day.  I have talked to her nicely and told her that I love her and I donot expect her to love me like her mom, all I demand is respect. Especially since I brought her into my home to live.  Her mother is a bipolar mess.  My husband did tell her that even if I wasnot around that he wouldnot go back with her mom.  I think she secretly  blames me for her mom and dad not getting back together.  My husband is a yes man, and with a bipolar ex wife he gave Morgan whatever she wanted and now I am here and there are boundaries and limitations and she doesnot like it....what do I do?

[amonkeymom]

Welcome!

Morgan sounds like a typical pre-teen saying "I hate you" when she doesn't get her way.  Trust me, they do say it to their parents not just their step-parents..  In some ways, I think it means you're doing your job right. ;)

Glad your here.

[sandeeyo]

Disengage.  Stop doing mom-type things for Morgan and let her dad handle everything.  She is HIS daughter.  If she wants to be nice to you, welcome it with a smile and nice words.  But if she wants to be mean, just ignore her as best you can and let her dad deal with her.

[NettyKinnz]

My step mom has the same problem with her new family and her new huabands son. She ignores it there's no way to fix it if you try to say anything he'll just say your wrong. My step mother doesn't let her new huaband discipline her children and when he asks she just feeds him the same stuff he feeds her. So they separate the discipline. To the borth parent. Let her act how ever she wants she'll soon find out when she's older she's a little brat.

[mytinydancer]

Ughh, the tween/teen years...I am experiencing a similar situation. Hang in there, the only thing I hold onto is the fact that I love my husband so much. There have been times when I think if I knew then what I know now I really don't know if I would have married him and blended our families. It's hard being a parent but it's even harder being a step-parent. Hugs!!!

[whatIknownow]

I find it interesting that you say you brought Morgan into your home to live (because her mother is a bipolar mess).  It's as though you think Morgan should be appreciative of your generosity. However, it is likely that Morgan believes her FATHER brought her into HIS home, as any decent father would. Children do not have to be appreciative that their parents don't abandon them, they expect and are entitled to having their parents "take them in." Especially at the age of 12.

Also, juding from how you describe her mother as a "bioplar mess", it's possible she picks up on the distain you have for her mother. Even if she has never heard you refer to her mother as a bipolar mess, imagine for a minute how you would feel about someone who took your mother's illness and turned it into an insult? Would you call someone with cancer a "cancerous mess?"

There are many ways to go about improving your situation. But one of the first ways you should consider is trying to relate to this little girl, with compassion for the situaiton she has gone through. Watching your mother descend into the grips of mental illness is confusing and devastating for a child. She had to leave her mother. And her stepmother expects  her to be greatful for "taking her in." It is possible that if you try to understand her needs, your relationship with her will improve.