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Disengaging Stepparent............

Posted by on Aug. 7, 2012 at 6:16 PM
  • 107 Replies

I'm not bashing. I'm asking... and seriously looking for answers...

I read about it a lot in posts on here. It seems like its one of first pieces of advice offered.

It could be a generational gap thing, but I never even heard of it until a year ago, and I'm in my mid-40s. I don't understand it. I don't understand WHY a stepparent would do it. Why they would WANT to do it.

I don't understand how it is BEST for the CHILD.  How does it benefit the child? How does it make a step parent's relationship better with the child?

I mean I can see some benefits that the Stepparent would have, but I can also see the negative repercussions it will have. I remember being a kid and some of my friends had moms and stepmoms who would say "Wait until your father gets home" or a variation thereof. My friends didn't have any respect for that, and neither did their friends. My friends wouldn't listen or care what that kind of parent wanted. To be honest, they were pretty much considered non-parents by all children.

I don't understand how that kind of negative is outweighed by whatever benefits are received by the stepparent. Are the negative repercussions even considered? 


by on Aug. 7, 2012 at 6:16 PM
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Replies (1-10):
rose0919
by on Aug. 7, 2012 at 6:21 PM
7 moms liked this

popcorn

leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Aug. 7, 2012 at 6:23 PM
1 mom liked this
I am 35 years old, I am a non-parent to SS11 however as DH's wife I am still an authority figure. If Dad really deals with business when he gets home then the threat will work.
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KelliStars
by on Aug. 7, 2012 at 6:30 PM

So, in your step sons case - how does it benefit him? How does it make him a better child towards you? Again - I'm seriously asking, because I don't know. I'm not bashing

Quoting leegirl_jm:

I am 35 years old, I am a non-parent to SS11 however as DH's wife I am still an authority figure. If Dad really deals with business when he gets home then the threat will work.


faerie75
by Platinum Member on Aug. 7, 2012 at 6:34 PM

 i think if the step parent disengages, they arent being left responsible for the kid period so there would be no "wait til your father comes home"

there are alot of factors in it. some of these kids are being PAS and told to disregard and or disrespect the step parent by the other parent. i can see if there are multiple, totally out of control step children being played like fiddles by the other parent, how the step mom might want to disengage.

leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Aug. 7, 2012 at 6:40 PM
SS11 is allowed to have his two parents be the only parents he has, he is no different from other children in intact homes who only have Mom and Dad as parents. I have never had a discoiplinary issue with SS and neither has any teacher or adult who have had extended contact with him.

His parents expect him to be respectful towards authority figures which includes me.
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gma12.1
by on Aug. 7, 2012 at 6:44 PM
1 mom liked this
But in the meantime the kid shows zero respect for the sm or even a bm. Dad is at work all day so what can he do at the time incident happens? Nothing. Who will the kid listen to about say being grounded? Not sm or bm who has NO authority while Dad is gone. I was a skid with a nonparent sf. Mom gave punishment for what I had done but when she was at work I ignored what he said because he was not an adult that I had any respect for. Mom got home and I was in trouble again but I had done what I wanted so I didn't care besides I pissed him off the time Mom was gone so it was the best to both.

Quoting leegirl_jm:

I am 35 years old, I am a non-parent to SS11 however as DH's wife I am still an authority figure. If Dad really deals with business when he gets home then the threat will work.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
blaquechinadoll
by on Aug. 7, 2012 at 6:44 PM
1 mom liked this
In my case, it was the best interest of the children to keep down negativity and drama. I did what the BM asked me to do. She wanted me to have nothing to do with her children. So, I respected that. I hear a lot of stuff that is wrong told to my skids by their mother, but why should I engage in a war? All it will do is widen the gap between me and the skids. I don't allow anyone to disrespect me, so no worries there. Am I supposed to create issues for the skids by steadily engaging in conflict? Should I widen the wedge in the bf-skids relationship to be right or prove a point? I don't have to win, or be right, or be the center of attention bc when it's all said and done, I am not responsible for the end result.

I won't force myself on anyone. In other ways it may not be good for the child, but that's what the BM chose for her children. So, now that BM is very sick, if she becomes incapacitated or dies, skids will end up with us. I doubt that she took into consideration that I might have to one day raise her kids. I doubt that she felt her many atteimpts to destroy my relationship with dh would fail.

So, now if to comes to them living with us, they barely know me. Is it my fault? In the ideal situation, sparents are welcomed support and extra watch-eyes for the children. The children would be well-rounded. The children are able to see that bc relationships go bad, people aren't necessarily bad. They learn sportsmanship. But if BM decides that she was to raise her children as if I don't exist bc it makes her feel better, then really, who am I to interfere?

And finally, I am a human being before I am a sp. How much am I supposed to take from someone that I don't have to be bothered with? How much attention am I to take from my child just to make someone recognize that I exist? I am just not that interested in making myself be a part of something that does not want me. It's a futile use of my time.

I have been that supportive person in the life of a child whose father I dated and there were none of these issues that this BM has. I was raised to love family, no matter who their parents were. I can't force my beliefs on someone else.

rose0919
by on Aug. 7, 2012 at 6:59 PM

i don't get why you don't understand it? it was explained over and over to you. it forces the bf to parent the child. in other words of the child is giving sm a hard time, weather it be at the hands of bm, or the child just wanting more time and attention from the bp. especially when the bf is in denial or oblivious as to what his angles are doing,  sm  walks away for the issue, sends the child to dh for the discipline, eventually the dh will either put his foot down with his kids and fix what sm complains about or dh will choose to keep it separate.

in my case i kept getting the my mom told me i don't have to listen to you. i kept telling dh  he wasn't listening. i disengaged  . dh had to be the one telling ss what to do dh did all the yelling,all  of the reminding to do chores all of the cooking and picking up after ss. i got to have fun. dh had enough and put his foot down and told ss he is to respect me and any other adult in our home. and if he is told  do do his chore then he has to do them.  it took a while for me to get pissed enough and dh and i to fight every time ss was with us. and disengaging didn't take long before it was under control. and i was able to re engage. we don't have hardly any issues with ss any longer. and now we both parent both kids, some people never re engage.  but for us it saved out relationship , and it got ss to understand that negative attention is bad and positive attention is better. 

we dont need to use not my kid not my problem right now.  but some mothers need to . if the bd doesnt want the child disaplined at all by sm, then sm can use it. and she is in the clear when the child gets in trouble . 

leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Aug. 7, 2012 at 7:05 PM
1 mom liked this
Either my husband is a stronger parent than your Mom or my SS is a nicer kid than you were.

Quoting gma12.1:

But in the meantime the kid shows zero respect for the sm or even a bm. Dad is at work all day so what can he do at the time incident happens? Nothing. Who will the kid listen to about say being grounded? Not sm or bm who has NO authority while Dad is gone. I was a skid with a nonparent sf. Mom gave punishment for what I had done but when she was at work I ignored what he said because he was not an adult that I had any respect for. Mom got home and I was in trouble again but I had done what I wanted so I didn't care besides I pissed him off the time Mom was gone so it was the best to both.



Quoting leegirl_jm:

I am 35 years old, I am a non-parent to SS11 however as DH's wife I am still an authority figure. If Dad really deals with business when he gets home then the threat will work.
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AMB7
by on Aug. 7, 2012 at 7:08 PM
1 mom liked this
I don't know if there is a clear cut answer that covers every situation. If you marry when they are older, I would think you would leave more parenting to the birth parents. If they are small I would take on a more hands on approach. They are little & need strong,safe boundaries as well as hugs & tickle time. Even if you have no maternal feelings towards them they will be healthier if you try to step out & invest a little more in them. Whatever age they are they need to know that they have not lost their place just because a parent remarries.
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