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I DONT UNDERSTAND SOMETHING, I MARRIED DH KNOWING HE HAS OTHER KIDS AND FOR AWHILE I WASNT REALLY INTO HELPING HIM WITH THEM.

WHY DO STEP PARENTS THINKS IT JUST THE BD/BM TO DISCIPLINE? I MEAN YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY IN AWAY AS WELL AS BD/BM.

WELL, I POSTED SOMETHING ON HERE WHERE I EXPLAINED THAT SD WAS BEING HATEFUL ETC ETC.... AND I TOOK ACTION, BUT ON HERE MEANING STEPMOM CENTRAL ITS NOT LIKE THAT. WHY? MOTHERS COMMENTED ON THAT AND STATED I SHOULD OF LET DH HANDLE IT AND THAT ITS DH PLACE TO STEP IN BLAH BLAH BLAH.

ME AND DH IS WORKING REALLY HARD ON CO-PARENTING WITH SD AND I DONT KNOW WHY OTHER MOTHERS THINKS IT WRONG FOR SM'S TO STEP IN WHEN THEY HAVE TO.

SD'S BM ISNT IN THE PICTURE ONLY MAYBE JUST MAYBE ONCE A WEEK SO ITS LIKE SHE LETS SD DO WHATEVER WHEN EVER. SO AS A SM I DECIDED TO HELP WITH DH WITH DICIPLINING SD. I COULD OF MADE HER SIT IN HER ROOM ALL DAY INSTEAD OF TAKING HER PHONE. I DONT CARE IF ANYONE AGREES WITH ME BUT AS A SM TO SD AND MARRIED TO HER DAD I HAVE THAT RIGHT AS WELL. I MEAN I LET HIM DO THE BIG STUFF LIKE IF SHE HITS SOMEONE, OR ACTS UP IN SCHOOL THATS HIS RESPONSIBILITY NOT MINE. IF ITS MINOR AND I CAN HANDLE IT I WILL. SD NEEDS SOMEONE WHO WILL STAND HER OWN GROUND AND NOT GIVE IN AND I WONT GIVE IN.

I FEEL BAD FOR SD SENSE SHE ONLY SEES HER BM ONCE A WEEK AND IT HURTS SD WHEN SHE CANT SEE BM. I TOLD SD YOU ARE 11 AND HUN YOU HAVE ME AND YOUR DAD THAT IS ALWAYS HERE AND ALTHOUGH YOUR BM ONLY SEES YOU ONCE AWEEK DOESNT MEAN YOU STOP LOVING YOU BECAUSE SHE DOES. BM WORKS SO SHE HAS ONLY 1 DAY OFF A WEEK SO THINK OF IT AS BM IS SUPPORTING YOU TO HELP US.

FOR THOSE OF YOU THINKING DOES BM PAY CS, YES SHE DOES BECAUSE WE HAVE HER ALL THE TIME BUT 1 DAY. SO YOU GUYS MIGHT THINK IT IS WRONG FOR WHAT I DID BUT I AM STANDING MY GROUNDS WITH SD AND NOT GIVE HER PHONE BACK TIL I SEE FIT.

by on Aug. 7, 2012 at 8:03 PM
Replies (21-26):
wkdwytch
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 2:21 PM


Quoting momof2ex1:

I don't know how I feel personally but I can tell you what a judge and a therapist have told me and ex.

Sm is a little unconventional in her punishment and discipline. It isn't what I would do with my kids but I do not care how she disciplines her kids. It became an issue. We went to court and a judge has banned stepparents or significant others from disciplining our daughter. It was stated, it is not the position of the stepparent to discipline or punish a stepchild. It is the responsibility of the parent. My ex argued that his wife is the main person home with our dd while he works and that that would not work. She said, then the child should not be at your home if you are not there to care for her. I disagreed as well. I can't always be everywhere. The judge did not ban babysitters, teachers or grandparents from discipline only the person that was taking extreme measures and made it equal by also banning my spouse or at the time 'future spouse'. I still didn't agree. What if I had to run to the store and needed to leave my child with my husband? The Answer, if you can't take your kid to the store with you, then the child should be with dad. In comes ROFR.

Therapist agreed. A stepparent should not discipline. This is the responsibility of the parent. Period.

I am only sharing my experience with this subject.

I see you didn't agree so this isn't a bash but HOLY COW! How could a judge/therapist expect you do have to run errands but FIRST take the child to their other parent so your SO isn't parenting your child? If I have to run for milk and my DH is fixing the toilet, I should take the child with me or take them to their other parent's house? Just plain silly.


FresshAir
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 3:53 PM
1 mom liked this

I didn't have the chance to read the other posts, but this is how I feel.  In my home, DH is responsible for setting the house rules for when his kids are there.  (Usually, it's just SD these days since SS is an adult now.)  But DH doesn't just "set the rules" - behind the scenes, we talk these things out between us and he and I come into agreement of what the rules should be.  But when it comes to communicating rules to the SKs, that is all him and I stay out of it. 

Beyond that, I have a responsibility to consistently support the structure the children need and enforce the rules that DH has set.  Mostly, I remind them, "Remember when dad said not to do that...." or "you know your dad feels about that..."  stuff like that.  BTW: I never say, "Wait until your dad gets home..." because I don't want them to fear him or dread his return. 

As an adult, you are responsible for minors in your care, right?  If you endanger them, you can be punished, so not only should be able to discipline them when needed, but sometimes discipline is required to keep them from harm.  It's an artform the way a Step has to parent.  We make mistakes sometimes, sometimes we are perfect, and everything in between.  What matters most is if our hearts are in the right place and we are sincere in what we do.

ShannaBee
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 3:57 PM
1 mom liked this

I am one for if DH is around, he should be disciplining his child. But I will be no doormat. Believe me, I'll put him in time out or take away a toy or privelege!

liltigersmom
by on Aug. 9, 2012 at 12:02 AM
In that, case sm should tell the kid to be respectful, or tell the kid, hey that's disrespectful, don't talk like that.

With my fsd, she used to wear these short skirts, I didn't think they were appropriate (especially for a 7 year old) dad didn't care. But me, no I'm not taking you out in public with a skirt so short, where I can see your underwear.

Now if your dh doesn't like that either, than me I'd tell him he is on his own completely, but I will defend myself.



Quoting pdxmum:

Let me ask you this though, if skid displays a behavior that DH was fine with and even told you was OK, is it still fine for a SM to take disipline in her own hands? This skid tells DH to shut up, DH doesn't care but SM disciplines.



To me that is very different than enforcing agreed upon behaviors.




Quoting liltigersmom:

Bm here...


I'm all for standing up for yourself, I don't care who hell you are.


if my kid disrespects you, than tell him.


If its a rule at your house, no jumping on the furniture, no watching r rated movies, clean up after yourself. Than I expect my kid to respect that, and if he doesn't, than you need to tell him.



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Aug. 9, 2012 at 12:15 AM
Neither was my dd's SM. she just did things different than me but not extreme. Judge and therapist still had the same view. Not her place.

Edit*** I realize I used the term 'extreme' in my post -- however what you did is not too far off from the definition of extreme from this judge.

Quoting parisonmom:

I am not taking it to extreme though.



Quoting momof2ex1:

I don't know how I feel personally but I can tell you what a judge and a therapist have told me and ex.





Sm is a little unconventional in her punishment and discipline. It isn't what I would do with my kids but I do not care how she disciplines her kids. It became an issue. We went to court and a judge has banned stepparents or significant others from disciplining our daughter. It was stated, it is not the position of the stepparent to discipline or punish a stepchild. It is the responsibility of the parent. My ex argued that his wife is the main person home with our dd while he works and that that would not work. She said, then the child should not be at your home if you are not there to care for her. I disagreed as well. I can't always be everywhere. The judge did not ban babysitters, teachers or grandparents from discipline only the person that was taking extreme measures and made it equal by also banning my spouse or at the time 'future spouse'. I still didn't agree. What if I had to run to the store and needed to leave my child with my husband? The Answer, if you can't take your kid to the store with you, then the child should be with dad. In comes ROFR.





Therapist agreed. A stepparent should not discipline. This is the responsibility of the parent. Period.





I am only sharing my experience with this subject.




Posted on CafeMom Mobile
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Aug. 9, 2012 at 12:18 AM
Yeah and she was dead freakin' serious. She even used that banggy thingy and told us to shut up lol but I liked her. She was a tough lady and in the end I appreciated her help.


Quoting wkdwytch:




Quoting momof2ex1:

I don't know how I feel personally but I can tell you what a judge and a therapist have told me and ex.

Sm is a little unconventional in her punishment and discipline. It isn't what I would do with my kids but I do not care how she disciplines her kids. It became an issue. We went to court and a judge has banned stepparents or significant others from disciplining our daughter. It was stated, it is not the position of the stepparent to discipline or punish a stepchild. It is the responsibility of the parent. My ex argued that his wife is the main person home with our dd while he works and that that would not work. She said, then the child should not be at your home if you are not there to care for her. I disagreed as well. I can't always be everywhere. The judge did not ban babysitters, teachers or grandparents from discipline only the person that was taking extreme measures and made it equal by also banning my spouse or at the time 'future spouse'. I still didn't agree. What if I had to run to the store and needed to leave my child with my husband? The Answer, if you can't take your kid to the store with you, then the child should be with dad. In comes ROFR.

Therapist agreed. A stepparent should not discipline. This is the responsibility of the parent. Period.

I am only sharing my experience with this subject.


I see you didn't agree so this isn't a bash but HOLY COW! How could a judge/therapist expect you do have to run errands but FIRST take the child to their other parent so your SO isn't parenting your child? If I have to run for milk and my DH is fixing the toilet, I should take the child with me or take them to their other parent's house? Just plain silly.




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