Evil StepMonster??

[momx2stepmomx1]

I am a mom to a 2 yr old boy with one in the oven and have an 8  yr old stepdaughter.  We were very close before my son came as she was the only child we had for two years.  She is the only child on her mom's side, so is given quite a bit of attention.  When she is with us, she does what we know she is capable of doing and has responsibilities. She is showing a lot of anger towards her brother and the new baby and is withdrawing from us.  I feel like this is partially my fault as I do not give her the attention I once did, though I do take her on the occasional date just the two of us. She is with us only every other weekend and on Tuesdays, but cries for her mom at night.  I am simply worried about her.  I know that siblings are great assets, but she is having a really hard time.  Any thoughts?  Do I need to baby her more or just continue to have the same expectations for her?

[whatIknownow]

Since she is there so infrequently, I'd try to make sure she got lots of attention and had fun when she visits. 

Does she enjoy helping you take care of the baby? 

Another idea, do you allow her to invite friends over? maybe she would enjoy having a friend her age sleep over when she comes?

[FresshAir]

You may want to *carefully* see if there's anything BM is saying/doing to feed her anxieties. I hope your BM is cool, but it's not unheard of for BMs to get jealous about stuff like this and start making trouble. But if you have a good relationship with BM, maybe share your concerns and involve her in coming up with a solution that can be in place in both homes. Another thought is that SD is starting to have hormone changes and is getting clingy with BM. It might be a little early for that but its a thought. My SD was about that age when she started similar behavior and doctor said it was changing hormones ushering in puberty. About 2 years later, she started menstrating. Otherwise, maybe you could try counseling to help her through these adjustments. Good luck!

[momx2stepmomx1]

We have her friends over all the time, hoping that will help her...in fact she is in there asleep with her friend right now.  She still cries for her mom when her friends are here.  She likes helping me with her brother sometimes.  But I think you're right.  I just need to pay more attention to her and be more sensitive.  Honestly, thinking about how much God loves her and her mom helps my affection towards her!

Thanks!

[momx2stepmomx1]

She sees a therapist and her dad emailed her last night to let her know what was going on.  The BM is not an easy person to deal with, so asking her for her input & cooperation is unfortunately not in the cards.  How I wish it were!  Her mom could be such an asset to us.  She is probably feeding my SD's anxiety, sadly.   

[Steamedpuddle30]

A good realtionship w a BM would be an awesome asset. I wish more cases were w a "cool" BM. Women have a good way of responding to these things and together that would be cool to talk this issue out. Anyhow,it's nt so,I'd go with asking sd if she wanted to do something fun Dh can watch the baby?

Or Dh can spend more time w sd? I think it might a be "normal" reaction since she's the only child. I know even when I met my Dh his sons were a bit "jealous" that my dds were getting ANY attention. My Dh had a talk with them and IN TIME they were used to it. They came around. Now thry fight like brother and sisters. It's wonderful. Lol.

Give her time:))

[dragonfly06]

What does your DH think and say about this? Does he see this as a problem and does he have a solution?

 

[momx2stepmomx1]

My DH is a little worried, but mostly thinks that it is probably normal for his daughter to react the way she is reacting.  He thinks the BM is probably contributing to my SS's anxiety over the situation.  He's not too concerned about his daughter...he thinks that things will all work out in the end.  He is probably right.  This is just a stage.  We did get a response from the therapist who said we are doing what we should by having expectations of her and spending special time with her.  She is going to talk to my SS to find out if anything is going on with the BM.  Oh the joy!!  I sincerely wish I could just pick up the phone and talk to the BM about this!

[angelmommy2806]

Hopefully Bm isn't feeding the anxiety.

[momx2stepmomx1]

I unfortunately think that it is easy to fall into the trap of wanting your child to choose you over the other parent.  I think that if you are insecure and your child is the only significance you feel you have in your life, it's very easy to take joy in them choosing you.  It requires quite a bit of emotional maturity and integrity to be a good parent...never mind the additive of a broken home.  I think that I have the disadvantage of one such insecure BM....so the likelihood that she is indeed feeding my SDs anxiety is pretty high.  ;(

[KelliStars]

If a child is acting out - thats a really good sign they need individual attention. In this case probably from both You & DH. Some of the things that helped us was:

Waking up a little early & having a breakfast just 1 on 1 with the child.

Watching a movie together - DH sitting with SS, me sitting with my ds, or the other way around depending on need. This is a case of separate but together. DH & SS could whisper together. Me & DSs could whisper together. 

Having a play date - just 1 on 1 with the child. 

The other children didn't get jealous because they got to do something special with the other parent or SP, too