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Has this happened to anyone???

Posted by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 10:09 AM
  • 14 Replies

Hello!  I have never posted on here before and I just wanted to get some feedback on how to deal with this situation.  I have a SD that is turning 7 next week.  She is adorable and I love her in every way.  I have been in her life for 3 1/2 years now and her mom has taken off (for the second time in her short life) for 2 years now.  My problem is that recently she has started saying some pretty mean things to me.   The most recent one was her calling me the DEVIL!  I couldn't believe it!  

I think some of it may be because of my strictness with her: I am pretty observant of everything she does, I have yet to learn how to tune things out or pick my battles.  I am so afraid of anything happening to her that I tend to be (and I can't believe I am opening myself up for what could be attacks here) what I would consider overbearing.  I think this could be part of it however I also think she is mad at me for her BM's failings.  I want to be the best of both worlds to her because she doesn't deserve the raw deal she was given.  I love on her and take her places with me to have a date day, but I also am the first one to notice when she does something wrong.  I feel like a terrible person sometimes and I get resentful that I am the one that she seems to turn on.  

Her father tends to just tune everything out and watch tv as most dads do but I get irrated because it feels as though it is left to me to deal with which creates more hostility towards me.  It is a vicisous cycle that I cannot seem to figure out how to get out of.  If ANYONE has been through this and knows how to stop being so rigid or what I can do to help her with her anger towards me please let me know!  I need help.

by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 10:09 AM
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Replies (1-10):
libelule
by Member on Aug. 8, 2012 at 10:22 AM
1 mom liked this

Has she only recently started to call you names and be mean to you?  Are you aware of anything happening in her life with regard to her BM?  I am in a similar situation - custodial step mom - and I notice that when my SD is angry with her biological mom, I am the person that she takes it out on (this is usually after contact with her mom who is not very loving towards her).  My step daughter just turned 8 so they are a very similar age.  You have to try to understand that she is a very little girl still and may not have the ability to verbalize how she is feeling, she may not even really understand what it is that she is feeling - maybe a mix of anger, frustration, sadness.....

I would try to be extra loving towards her when she is mean to you, maintain the routine that you have in terms of what are your house rules (I have found that routine is helpful for my SD), so if she is being very bad and breaking the rules then continue with the consequences that you have in your house, but at the same time, let her know that she is loved.  My SD is also in counselling and I find that it gives her 'permission' to be angry at her mom and her situation without feeling that she is being disloyal by disclosing that to me.  If your SD is not in counselling, this may be worth trying.

A lot of the ladies on here will tell you that your DH needs to step up also (rather than watching tv) and I agree with that.  He is the other biological parent and he needs to be involved in her parenting.  That is not your role.  As a step parent I think we are a little more objective of the situation when it comes to what is acceptable behavior or not - we don't have the 'blind love' that biological parents have.  You guys need to work to be more of a team.

Hope this helps!  Good Luck!

Oh, I forgot to add, pick your battles - you are halfway there in realizing that you need to do this, just try to take the next step and actually decide what is really important to you and what is not such a big deal - my SD wants to dress like a boy - I would rather she dresses more like a girl - at the end of the day, it's not such a huge deal, her clothes are clean and presentable and she is happy.  It took a while for me to get there but everyone is happier now that we are!!!

MRLAdy
by Bronze Member on Aug. 8, 2012 at 10:23 AM

I would just make a conscious effort to pick your battles. Be sure to show more love, affection, and playfulness than you do discipline. You wouldn't want someone micromanaging every little think you do.

Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Aug. 8, 2012 at 10:24 AM
My SD just turned 8. She does take it out on me when she is upset about not seeing BM. What finally helped the most was one night when she was going off on me I said "I haven't done anything for you to be this upset with me. What is the real problem". And she started on about how her mom doesn't call and it hurts. I just listen. And if she asked why her mom does things. I would answer I don't know. And then ask what she thought. We ended up having to talk about BM every night for weeks. It has gotten much better, but now it's starting with SS......
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step2jw
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 10:26 AM


Quoting MRLAdy:

I would just make a conscious effort to pick your battles. Be sure to show more love, affection, and playfulness than you do discipline. You wouldn't want someone micromanaging every little think you do.

I know!  I find it annoying when I do it...I just do not seem to be able to let go and STOP!  You are absolutely right though embarrassed

mirm99
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 10:28 AM
Back off momma... I know it's hard but it's the beat way to keep your relationships w her at its best... Web she's misbehaving have dad handle it.. Of course he's not around you can say no don't do that or that's not nice to say it hurts people when you say that but if dads around let him deal w her behavior. All your doing is becoming the evil one bc if dad doesn't care your the only one disciplining her...

Now to get her dad to do his part is a different story.. I had to sit w dh and I told him... I was done w it... I was tired of always being the mean one while he sat on there and ignored everything... So he could either be a dad or I was out bc I couldn't live like that... And he literally looked at me and started to make excuses at first and once he realized how much he didn't do he literally turned it around momma... Good luck I know it's hard I'm still working on it.. Lol
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Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Aug. 8, 2012 at 10:28 AM
1 mom liked this
One on one dates with me and her also helped. And remember you are a safe place to go off on. They can't say what they want to BM because if they do who knows what will happen.
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step2jw
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 10:29 AM


Quoting libelule:

Has she only recently started to call you names and be mean to you?  Are you aware of anything happening in her life with regard to her BM?  I am in a similar situation - custodial step mom - and I notice that when my SD is angry with her biological mom, I am the person that she takes it out on (this is usually after contact with her mom who is not very loving towards her).  My step daughter just turned 8 so they are a very similar age.  You have to try to understand that she is a very little girl still and may not have the ability to verbalize how she is feeling, she may not even really understand what it is that she is feeling - maybe a mix of anger, frustration, sadness.....

I would try to be extra loving towards her when she is mean to you, maintain the routine that you have in terms of what are your house rules (I have found that routine is helpful for my SD), so if she is being very bad and breaking the rules then continue with the consequences that you have in your house, but at the same time, let her know that she is loved.  My SD is also in counselling and I find that it gives her 'permission' to be angry at her mom and her situation without feeling that she is being disloyal by disclosing that to me.  If your SD is not in counselling, this may be worth trying.

A lot of the ladies on here will tell you that your DH needs to step up also (rather than watching tv) and I agree with that.  He is the other biological parent and he needs to be involved in her parenting.  That is not your role.  As a step parent I think we are a little more objective of the situation when it comes to what is acceptable behavior or not - we don't have the 'blind love' that biological parents have.  You guys need to work to be more of a team.

Hope this helps!  Good Luck!

Oh, I forgot to add, pick your battles - you are halfway there in realizing that you need to do this, just try to take the next step and actually decide what is really important to you and what is not such a big deal - my SD wants to dress like a boy - I would rather she dresses more like a girl - at the end of the day, it's not such a huge deal, her clothes are clean and presentable and she is happy.  It took a while for me to get there but everyone is happier now that we are!!!

Yes counseling would be good.  I have thought about it!  I would be angry too if my mom took off on me and I had not talked to or seen her in 2 years.  I try to think about that but I do not want to parent out of guilt!  I am way more objective then he seems to be because he does feel bad about her mom.  Thank you for your help!

step2jw
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 10:30 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting mirm99:

Back off momma... I know it's hard but it's the beat way to keep your relationships w her at its best... Web she's misbehaving have dad handle it.. Of course he's not around you can say no don't do that or that's not nice to say it hurts people when you say that but if dads around let him deal w her behavior. All your doing is becoming the evil one bc if dad doesn't care your the only one disciplining her...

Now to get her dad to do his part is a different story.. I had to sit w dh and I told him... I was done w it... I was tired of always being the mean one while he sat on there and ignored everything... So he could either be a dad or I was out bc I couldn't live like that... And he literally looked at me and started to make excuses at first and once he realized how much he didn't do he literally turned it around momma... Good luck I know it's hard I'm still working on it.. Lol

Thanks!  It is so good to know that I am not alone on this.  I am glad my friend told me about this site!

saywhat2102
by Gold Member on Aug. 8, 2012 at 10:32 AM
1 mom liked this

Maybe the ole counting to 10 rule?  Im sure you dont want to be the Warden Stepmom lol who would want to?!  You just need to chill....ask yourself in 5 mins if its really gonna matter??

Quoting step2jw:

 

Quoting MRLAdy:

I would just make a conscious effort to pick your battles. Be sure to show more love, affection, and playfulness than you do discipline. You wouldn't want someone micromanaging every little think you do.

I know!  I find it annoying when I do it...I just do not seem to be able to let go and STOP!  You are absolutely right though embarrassed


step2jw
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 10:36 AM


Quoting Polkadotted:

My SD just turned 8. She does take it out on me when she is upset about not seeing BM. What finally helped the most was one night when she was going off on me I said "I haven't done anything for you to be this upset with me. What is the real problem". And she started on about how her mom doesn't call and it hurts. I just listen. And if she asked why her mom does things. I would answer I don't know. And then ask what she thought. We ended up having to talk about BM every night for weeks. It has gotten much better, but now it's starting with SS......

I am glad to hear it subsided that gives me hope!!!!!

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