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She says jump...he says how high? UGH.

Posted by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 10:21 AM
  • 26 Replies

Hi ladies...I need a vent session and would love to know if anyone else deals with a similar situation.  My finace will do ANYTHING for his kids...he loves them to pieces.  This is a great quality and one of the many reasons why I am marrying him.

HOWEVER, he will do anything and break any plans if he has a chance to take care of them or have them more than the "schedule" says.  (And let me say the "schedule" is a big joke....it is ever changing based on what she remembers it to be, or forgets, or whatever.)  We have the kids over 50% of the time already.  The week starts off with "this week we'll have the kids Mon, Tues, Thurs" followed by the next which may be "mon, wed, thurs, etc".  I thrive on consistency and this is very hard for me. 

So last night we didn't have the kids and had plans to get a lot of work done for our business.  He receives a text during dinner from the ex asking if he has his daughter's medical card. he says 'yes' and she asks him to come and pick their daughter up from the MOVIE THEATER because she hasn't been feeling well for 2 DAYS and would like her to go to urgent care.  I'm sorry.... why the heck is she at the movie theater in the first place?  And where is her accountability as a mother?  I understand that she has other kids with her but step it up and put your daughter first! 

I understand that he is going to do whatever he can to take care of his daughter but it makes me livid that he doesn't push back a little and ask her to step up to the plate.  He's setting a precedence to be walked all over but he doesn't see it that way.  He says it's been like this forever and it's not worth the energy because she won't change.  I admire his devotion to his kids but the fact that he just jumps when his ex takes the passive parenting approach really upsets me. 

Thanks for listening to the vent.  Any input would be greatly appreciated.

devil

by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 10:21 AM
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Replies (1-10):
krisdev67
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 10:52 AM
3 moms liked this

 IMO it's not about his ex it's about his kids.  Doesn't matter if he drops everything to handle business with his kids.  He should, he's their parent.  What he's showing them (hopefully) as the age, is that HE is the more stable parent and their mother isn't.  I for one wouldn't balk at this and if this is pissing you off right now, then maybe you shouldn't be marrying him.  I think you need to sit down now and figure out if you can handle this for the next 10-15 years depending on how old his kids are.  He's their father and it's nice to see that he's willing to be a part of their upbringing instead of allowing the mother to hang in the wind and do it alone with CS.  IMO I really don't think that there should be a "schedule" when your raising kids. 

A schedule is for people that argue, and can't cooperate with each other.  I understand your concern that you feel like he's being walked over, but until HE sees it as a problem there isn't one.  Also, look at it from another point of view.  If you were the ex-wife and had the kids.  Would you want his fiancee dictating when and where he should be able to have his kids.  I'm sure his kids are young now, but once they hit their teen age years the close supervision may not be warranted.  He'll be able to leave them home and hang out etc.

I'm guessing that you feel like if you're the ex you wouldn't bother him with trivial things, however unless you know exactly how their marriage was then you can't say anything.  My mom used to complain about how much my brother would have his kids, on his time "away" from the kids and he still paid CS.  Guess what, he felt like he was doing his job as a father and made that very clear.  Any female that didn't understand that, well he moved away from and my mom didn't voice that again.  I'm sorry this frustrates you however HE is the one that would have to see this as a problem not you.  If you truly can't see yourself dealing with this long-term then be honest about it now.  Please don't marry him and then try to change things.  It's only going to cause a lot of heart ache and resentment.

Goofylife
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 11:02 AM
2 moms liked this

I can only tell you what I have learned over the past few years as a step-mom.  IMHO, The best thing you can do for yourself and your new family is to accept that BM won't change, no matter tow much you want her to.  I am in the same boat, except in my case, BM wants to be in control and has no consideration for our schedule.  She plans things for my SS during our time and then doesn't tell us until the day before.  She is always wanting to switch days and my husband usually agrees because he wants to do what's best for his son and usually it's no skin off our backs.  DH is a wonderful, easy going man who would do anything for his family.  It sounds like your financee has his priorities right and puts his family first. This is a good thing because it means that you and any children you have together will be his priority.  

I know how you are feeling.  I used to get so upset because of BM's antics and total disregard for our schedule.  She is a spoiled little girl in a grown woman's body and literally has a tantrum if she doesn't get what she wants.  I still feel myself getting to the boiling point sometimes and have to pull myself back from the edge(and remind myself that I signed up for this when I married a man with an ex-wife and child).  It's not worth getting myself all worked up over something I have no control over.  Plus, the last thing I want to do is argue with my husband about his ex-wife; it gives her a place in our relationship that she doesn't deserve.  In the end, the only thing you have control over is yourself.  You will NEVER be able to control her or make her change so it's best to work on helping yourself get through it.  There may be times when it is worth it to step up and fight when it is in your SD's best interests and hopefully you'll get to a point where you will recognize when that is.  In the meantime, please be patient with yourself and give yourself the right to need a little time to adjust to this situation.  Jumping into another family is not easy and you would have to be a saint if you didn't struggle with these feelings.  Your fiancee has obviously realized this too and has decided to make things easier on himself and his daugther by not beating his head against a wall everytime she behaves this way.  SD's mom may not put her child first but you and your financee can.  That will mean the World to SD.  

Hope that helps and hang in there!

jmac78
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 11:04 AM
1 mom liked this

Thank you for your honest response.  I appreciate it.  Sometimes it's just really hard to understand why she doesn't seem to put her kids first.  He has no control over that..... this I know.  But then I just don't understand why he doesn't try to get full custody.  He says that's a very difficult process and once in which the courts probably wouldn't side with him on.  Plus, they adore their mother and I know he wouldn't want to cause them any more pain.  But what is in their best interest.  With that said, I know she loves her kids...she's not a bad person...she just doesn't parent the way I would.  But I can't change that.

I don't have any biological children so sometimes I fall victim thinking everything should be perfectly planned and fall in to place.  I'm realizing that this isn't the case ever...blended families or not.

He and I are very open in our communication and he is aware of why I am upset.  But I wanted to get some outside opinions and yours has helped me to try to see it from the other side.  Thank you.

jmac78
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 11:11 AM
1 mom liked this

Thank you for your kind words, Goofylife.  It's nice to hear that you struggled with something similar and were able to pull out of the negative feelings.  I know I will be able to do this in time.  It's just going to take practice and effort.  Thankfully, my fiance is very patient and understanding.  I love him very much and am so blessed with our connection.  But being a parent (and a step parent) is all unchartered waters for me and it's a big giant learning curve!  Thank you again!!

krisdev67
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 11:18 AM
1 mom liked this

 Your welcome. I've been there, however the difference was that my now ex set limits and boundaries with his ex wife.  However he had placement and she only visitation and that didn't stop the bs that she did.  So remember that.  If he tries for custody he will probably loose, there will be a court ordered schedule but she will still act the same way.  Oh and she'll probably be worse because he took her to court.  It's not easy being a step parent however you have to know your place and your limits.  This is a good learning curve for you and I'm glad that you two have good communication.

Quoting jmac78:

Thank you for your honest response.  I appreciate it.  Sometimes it's just really hard to understand why she doesn't seem to put her kids first.  He has no control over that..... this I know.  But then I just don't understand why he doesn't try to get full custody.  He says that's a very difficult process and once in which the courts probably wouldn't side with him on.  Plus, they adore their mother and I know he wouldn't want to cause them any more pain.  But what is in their best interest.  With that said, I know she loves her kids...she's not a bad person...she just doesn't parent the way I would.  But I can't change that.

I don't have any biological children so sometimes I fall victim thinking everything should be perfectly planned and fall in to place.  I'm realizing that this isn't the case ever...blended families or not.

He and I are very open in our communication and he is aware of why I am upset.  But I wanted to get some outside opinions and yours has helped me to try to see it from the other side.  Thank you.

 

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Aug. 8, 2012 at 11:36 AM

My fiance' does this for his girls as well.  We're almost always available to them if their mom has something else to do.  You have to look at this situation as that he's NOT jumping for BM, he's doing it for his kids.  You're going to be banging your head up against a wall constantly if you get irritated with BM for not having them during "her time". 

And, your SO can't make BM do something that she doesn't want to do.  If taking the kids extra is how he wants to handle it, that's his call.  If you don't like it, then maybe you need to re-think the relationship before it's too late.  It's the same with the BM in our sitch.  There's no telling her to "step up" because she's not gonna listen to him, and she doesn't HAVE to listen to him.  If he has the time to watch the kids, then why shouldn't he?  And before you think that I'm a BM like that, I'm not.  I raised my son pretty much alone from the time he was 6.  He's 21 now.  I handled it all my own.  I wish I had an ex like your fiance' is...willing to help out and take the kids when I have something going on.

He's showing what a good man he is.  Nevermind that he's helping out his EX.  It shows that he's responsible and cares about his kids.

I'd say just deal with it.  Pick your fights...this is one that you're not gonna win.

jmac78
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 11:56 AM
1 mom liked this

Thank you, Sandeeyo.  I apprecaite your honest response.  You're right...i'm not going to win this one.  And, in actuality, what is in the kids' best interest is what's important and if he is the one to provide that, I need to support him. 

MrsJaiClark
by Bronze Member on Aug. 8, 2012 at 12:11 PM

Yup....this is my life. It is hard for me to not feel like he is doing it for HER and not his kids. Especially when he is only like this with BM1. He'd tell BM2 exactly where to go if she did the things BM1 does!

packermomof2
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 12:14 PM
1 mom liked this

There is no set schedule with my ex and I anymore.  I have always dropped everything when it came to my kids.  If they need me I'm there.  Pushing back doesn't do anything for many people.  And a good parent does take care of their kids when it needs to be done - being a parent is a full time job with constant overtime

Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Aug. 8, 2012 at 12:21 PM
2 moms liked this

I would rather my DH jumped for his kids vs not being there hardly/not at all. Both our girls do not belong to DH (the oldest is BM's daughter from previous relationship) however if either of them were sick/injured/needing surgery etc HE was the one who was there for the girls other then myself/BM.

I am proud that DH makes himself so available to his kids-because they know Dad's always around vs BM who can barely be bothered with anything.

Don't let it get to you-maybe when the time comes for you to have your own kids-you'll understand why-and learn to appreciate it :)

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