I want to open a line of communications with SD12, not sure how
My SD12 is the product of extreme PAS by her Mother.
I have been with my DH for 7 years. During this time, SD12 has not been allowed to come to our house, then once we obtained a CO, she chose not to visit her BD at our house. Honestly, there are a lot of variables, but to me, the bottom line is SD12 has been alienated form her BFto the point where I think she may be as confused as I. There is a possibility (that I can't deny) that SD12 is playing games and manipulating the situation to her advantage. I understand she may not care for me (she has told a counselor that I am her competition to spend time with her Dad?) and she has tried (and often manages) to maintain a relationship with her BD outside of our home. Her BD has usually Monday's off of work. For a 6 month period of time, she would get in trouble at school or call BD needing to see a Dr. immediately and so on. She was finding a way to manipulate the situation where she would see her Dad away from our marital home...because she didn't want to come to our house because (she claimed) she didn't like her Dad.
SD has been undergoing counseling. She is supposed to be coming over this weekend (Saturday evening through Sunday evening, even though the CO is Fri-Sun). We want to open communication with this young lady and I am not sure how. I refuse to participate in any alienation that she has experience in the hands of he BM, but I want to cut through the bull crap and let her know that we (Her BD and I) are no longer going to play her game. BF and I h ave decided that he will visit her every Wednesday evening and strictly follow the CO on weekends for the remaining time. She has been hurting him deeply by throwing him away and then calling when she NEEDS something. We both feel that participating in this game is teaching her some very poor social skills and setting her up to become a selfish young lady.
How do we go about discussing these issues with a young lady without alienating her. We want her to know that all the adult topics that are being fed to her are not right or proper. We know there are some subjects that we simply cannot discuss with her, but how do we go about at least opening the door withher? It is very sad & difficult to See a grown man ask for help(he actually asked me for a list of topics of discussion) so he could be less awkward when trying to find topics to discuss withhis own daughter. They have both been robbed of their relationship and I have no idea how to help them get back on track.
Do any of you wise old time SMs have any words of advise for us?