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I want to open a line of communications with SD12, not sure how

Posted by on Aug. 9, 2012 at 10:48 AM
  • 7 Replies

My SD12 is the product of extreme PAS by her Mother. 

I have been with my DH for 7 years. During this time, SD12 has not been allowed to come to our house, then once we obtained a CO, she chose not to visit her BD at our house.  Honestly, there are a lot of variables, but to me, the bottom line is SD12 has been alienated form her BFto the point where I think she may be as confused as I. There is a possibility (that I can't deny) that SD12 is playing games and manipulating the situation to her advantage.  I understand she may not care for me (she has told a counselor that I am her competition to spend time with her Dad?) and she has tried (and often manages) to maintain a relationship with her BD outside of our home. Her BD has usually Monday's off of work. For a 6 month period of time, she would get in trouble at school or call BD needing to see a Dr. immediately and so on. She was finding a way to manipulate the situation where she would see her Dad away from our marital home...because she didn't want to come to our house because (she claimed) she didn't like her Dad.

SD has been undergoing counseling. She is supposed to be coming over this weekend (Saturday evening through Sunday evening, even though the CO is Fri-Sun). We want to open  communication with this young lady and I am not sure how.  I refuse to participate in any alienation that she has experience in the hands of he BM, but I want to cut through the bull crap and let her know that we (Her BD and I) are no longer going to play her game. BF and I h ave decided that he will visit her every Wednesday evening and strictly follow the CO on weekends for the remaining time. She has been hurting him deeply by throwing him away and then calling when she NEEDS something. We both feel that participating in this game is teaching her some very poor social skills and setting her up to become a selfish young lady.

How do we go about discussing these issues with a young lady without alienating her. We want her to know that all the adult topics that are being fed to her are not right or proper. We know there are some subjects that we simply cannot discuss with her, but how do we go about at least opening the door withher? It is very sad & difficult to See a grown man ask for help(he actually asked me for a list of topics of discussion) so he could be less awkward when trying to find topics to discuss withhis own daughter. They have both been robbed of their relationship and I have no idea how to help them get back on track.

Do any of you wise old time SMs have any words of advise for us?

by on Aug. 9, 2012 at 10:48 AM
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by Bronze Member on Aug. 9, 2012 at 2:54 PM
2 moms liked this

 So...  what happened to the girl before age 5?  Why didn't Dad care enough to get a CO before that? 

I think there is ALOT more to this story.  She's 12.  BD's efforts at making her his highest priority seem like the've been going on only for a relatively short time.  I'm not sure why it's so important to him to force you into their time together? 

by Silver Member on Aug. 9, 2012 at 3:06 PM
How far away do you live from SD?

You call me a bitch like it's a bad thing

by on Aug. 9, 2012 at 3:32 PM


(she has told a counselor that I am her competition to spend time with her Dad?

Sounds like she really does feel that way. It's a very normal feeling for a SK.

If there are things that your husband wants to talk to her about, and isn't sure how...he should go to therapy with her.

He can talk to the therapist before hand to let the therapist know where he is coming from. Then the therapist can help guide the sessions of all 3 of them.

by Member on Aug. 9, 2012 at 3:59 PM

Before the age of 5, SD lived with her BF and her BM.

BF has very limited funds and BM refused to sign divorce papers that he had drawn up. It took BF several years before he completed his divorce pro-se.

It is important to BF that she comes over on a regular basis so they can have more time together. I am not willing to leave my home to make this happen. I mean, I am all about compromise, but I will not leave my home for a weekend so they can have time together. I cannot afford a motel and I do not believe the SD would be learning anything of value were I to do this.

BF has been going to counseling sessions, but it is a slow process of which he fails to see any positive results to date.

I agree that BF seems to have spent a lot of time absent. It appears this way because he has been  railroaded by BM at all attempts to spend time with his daughter.  His passive attitude has not served him or his daughter well. After years of communicating with him and now the counselors are helping him to see where he has failed.  He would like to create an atmosphere in our home that his BD is comfortable with. At this juncture, he is not sure how to do this. Permission has been given to his daughter for so long to have things her way, that he doesn't know how to proceed and neither do I.

I have raised 3 children myself who are grown and gone and quite healthy. They were all 3 children of divorce and I never had issues with them like this. I have Grandbabies his daughters age and have never had such probelms with a child in all my life.

There is not a way for him to spend more time with his daughter if SD does not find a way to be comfortable in our home. She lives only 20 miles or so from us.

by on Aug. 9, 2012 at 6:18 PM

 I do believe the issues need to be addressed, but perhaps not on the first visit.  I would suggest on the first visit, you just let her see how things operate in your home.  Let her see you and her BF happy together and let her see that she can still have quality time with him in your home.  Don't push yourself on her...I know you have been in the picture for quite some time, but this is a whole new ball game.  I don't think you should alienate yourself from the situation, but maybe for the first couple of visits be a shadow in the background.  This will give both you and her an opportunity to observe the other without the pressure of conversation.  You can pick up on her way of thinking and doing things and she can see that you are not a threat.  Then when the time comes to address the issues, a few home visits down the road, let her dad do the talking.  Maybe they could talk in the living room while you sit in the same room reading a book, appearing to be uninvolved, but still knowing what is going on.  Again, showing that you are not a threat or a competitor for her dads attention.  I think if you do it this way then she will begin to warm up to you and she will strike up a conversation at some point.  Maybe she will see you doing something she finds interesting and ask you about it.  Or maybe she will ask you about a book you are reading.  It will be a slow process, but it will be worth it in the end.

by on Aug. 9, 2012 at 10:39 PM
Ok. She lived with bm and bf until she was 5. You have been in her life for 7 years and she is 12. Were you dating while bm and bf were still together?

Also, why did he not include visitation in he co? Did he include cs? I mean, it's a major omission.... As a bio parent visitation would be the most important item in my divorce papers....
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by Member on Aug. 10, 2012 at 9:38 AM

It is difficult to put all the pieces of the puzzle to  in words. It has been 7 years of turmoil.  Her BF and BM separated when she was 5.  He did eventually obtain a divorce decree after he and I had been dating for about a year...with my help and insistence.  BM denied his COed visitation and BF did not have the funds to fight in court.

NO!  BF and BM had been apart for quite some time before I ever met my husband. I was not aware that BM would not allow her daughter to be alone with BF. BF is too passive and allowed this even though he is COed his EOWE and one day during the week.  Yes, he pays CS, on time every time and paid it long before there was ever a CO. I am aware that this his passive attitude is one of the big issues and he has finally began to admit it himself. He (BF) has allowed this.

There have been a few visits with SD. She was coming over for about 6 months on a semi regular basis, so we are not strangers.  I feel a sense of disconnect with her that runs very deep. She has been told by her BM that he BF has chosen me over her...she has been told that her BF cheated on her BM and therefor has some trust issues with he BF that she has discussed with the counselor. The young child has been exposed to stuff that just simply should have never happened.  I want to let her know that I know and that she can feel free to discuss anything with us. 

DH and I have talked to each other about all the issues as the years have gone by. I am angry at her BM for the BS she has laid upon this child and I don't want SD to pick up on this.  I work real hard to find a balance. I am aware that kids feel the emotional temperature of a room even without words, so I want to express some of my thinking to her in hopes that it will ease tensions that have been placed there wrongly.

I appreciate the time and effort you have taken to help me understand where to go from here.  I apologize for not being more clear in my attempt to explain the situation.  It is difficult to put into words when so much time has passed and some very highly mixed emotions are involved. I am grateful at the very least for a place to vent, as I have only recently discovered CM and am surprised how un-alone I truly am. It is nice to know that I am not alone but some of the stories leave me as heartsick as my experience with a controlling BM over the past several years.

Again, thank you to all!!!

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