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Problems with the inlaws -vent-

Posted by on Aug. 12, 2012 at 3:36 PM
  • 15 Replies

My FIL has vowed to follow us where ever we happen to move, so that he can be close to SS.  That's awesome he wants a relationship with him and that's not my problem. 

He doesn't like SS living with us (he doesn't want him to live with BM either though).  He wants custody, or at least wants us to do whatever he tells us to when it comes to SS...  He gets mad because we discipline him (time outs and groundings mostly), and thinks our rules are too strict for a little boy (no jumping on the furniture and no back talk are our two big rules).

DH and I believe FIL is telling SS things he should keep his nose out of, like I'm not his real mom so he doesn't have to respect me (the friend that FIL stays with told us about that one), that we're just being mean to SS and that FIL is going to save him (that one came out of SS's mouth "Call my Papa! I want him to save me!" he's 5, that had to come from somewhere). 

FIL will come stay with us overnight, but always ends up leaving angry because we don't give into SS's temper tantrums, which in the end makes the tantrum even worse.

After every visit SS's behavior goes off the chart! We have to do something drastic everytime to get him back on the right track.  Last time we took most of his toys away (except like 2 or 3) and SS had to earn them back. 

The behavior is escalating too after every visit, DH and I are at our wits end.   DH is planning on talking to FIL again (he's talked with him before about this), but really what can we do? I want SS and FIL to continue to be close, but FIL needs to stop whatever it is he's doing, because it causes chaos in my house, and none of us are happy (DH, SS, and me) until things get straightened back out, which is getting harder and harder to do each time.

I stay out of it when it comes to dealing with FIL, I just wish I had something to offer DH, because he doesn't know what to do either.  I'm just so frustrated about the whole situation.

by on Aug. 12, 2012 at 3:36 PM
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Replies (1-10):
glynch
by on Aug. 12, 2012 at 3:54 PM
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I know you want your ss to have a close relationship with fil but you need to limit his time with your ss.  He is trying to be the parent.   What does bm say about any of this??

packermomof2
by on Aug. 12, 2012 at 4:07 PM


Quoting glynch:

I know you want your ss to have a close relationship with fil but you need to limit his time with your ss.  He is trying to be the parent.   What does bm say about any of this??

Maybe he doesn't like a SP acting like a parent either? 

My point is that both should just back off the kid when the other is around and let dad handle things and get the calmed down before accusing a grandfather of doing exactly what a SP is doing and expecting less out of the grandfather when it comes to the kid than the SP.

Tryshx
by Bronze Member on Aug. 12, 2012 at 4:10 PM
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Quoting glynch:

I know you want your ss to have a close relationship with fil but you need to limit his time with your ss.  He is trying to be the parent.   What does bm say about any of this??

Why?  We don't have an active BM in our situation.

KJH618
by Member on Aug. 12, 2012 at 4:12 PM

We have this same issue but not as severe. My husbands entire family (mother, father, and twin sister) all think they are my ss parent and should have a say in his discipline.  They never dare to say anything when it comes to our girls though because I am their mom and they would never dare tell me how to parent them but for some reason they feel they can put their 2 cents in with his first child.  Maybe because he has been sharing custody since ss was 6 months old.  He used to go straight to his parents house with baby just because he needed his mom's help.  So I think bc they were there so much in the beginning they feel they still have that type of role.  We just recently had an episode with them accusing me of picking on ss and treating him different than his sisters. So I can totally relate.  They all want us to let him get away with everything because his life is so hard bc he has a split home. Uh no, I don't think so rule are rules and if broken they have consequences at moms and dads.  We have similar rules and consequences and update with each other every once in awhile.

My advice to you is to just limit time spent with papa and make sure you are always present.  Interrupt or change subjects if you don't like what is being said.  Be prepared to have an exit strategy before every visit. Definitely let your husband handle his dad.  Mine just tells his dad straight forward that if he can't support his decisions then he wont be able to have a relationship with his grandchildren.  Usually by the end of the conversation his dad is apologizing.

Tryshx
by Bronze Member on Aug. 12, 2012 at 4:21 PM

DH and I are a team, and he disciplines as much as I do, but I am primary caregiver seeing as DH works.  And there are times when SS does something DH does not see, and vice versa.  We do what works in our situation, and that puts me in an active role.  FIL gets just upset with DH for discipling as he does me.  FIL doesn't like stuff like us having a bedtime routine and a bedtime...  How am I doing the same thing...?

Quoting packermomof2:


Quoting glynch:

I know you want your ss to have a close relationship with fil but you need to limit his time with your ss.  He is trying to be the parent.   What does bm say about any of this??

Maybe he doesn't like a SP acting like a parent either? 

My point is that both should just back off the kid when the other is around and let dad handle things and get the calmed down before accusing a grandfather of doing exactly what a SP is doing and expecting less out of the grandfather when it comes to the kid than the SP.


feliciasmith
by on Aug. 12, 2012 at 4:33 PM
I'd put your foot down with fil. My mil tries to do the same thing my dd and ss fortunetly she lives in another state but when she is here my dh has a sit down with her before she gets to our house and explains if you have an input keep it to yourself until kids are outside or asleep. Then she still feels like she has a part in the raising of her grandkids but the kids don't see her trying to over rule mom and dad (smom and dad for ss)
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feliciasmith
by on Aug. 12, 2012 at 4:34 PM
MY mom on the otherhand is hopeless lol so we just limit the time she spends with dd
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Tillymommie
by Silver Member on Aug. 12, 2012 at 4:41 PM

My only advice is keep letting DH handle it. I know how you feel, MIL is the same way. She once told DH to sign his rights over to her. She encourages DSS to call her mommy and thinks DH is mean for any discipline. (I let him do all the disciplining when she is around, even with DS, because we got accused of playing favorites) I just don't deal with her much because we got into a pretty heated arguement once

SassyMom25
by Silver Member on Aug. 12, 2012 at 4:54 PM
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I would tell GF that if he can't respect your rules, then he won't be around SS. Mainly cause of the behavior issues it is causing along with him purposefully challenging DHs authority with SS.
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boysmom5
by Bronze Member on Aug. 12, 2012 at 5:06 PM
DH needs to keep reminding his father that he is a grandparent not the parent. You and your DH are the ones to make the rules and decisions about routines and discipline. Since there's no BM taking an active role in the child's life, you're the one filling the "mom" role and therefore you have the right as a parent to not have FIL undermining your decisions.
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