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I don't know what to do about this

Posted by on Aug. 16, 2012 at 12:24 PM
  • 39 Replies

My husband and I have been married for 19 years, but have been together for 22 years.  I first met my stepdaughter when she was 5 years old and have seen her every weekend since her father and I have been together until she turned 18.  Whenever she needed anything, if we could get it for her, we did.  I have taken her to NYC several times to see a Broadway show and she has spent the night with us many times while growing up.  She even asked what it would take to live with us instead of her mother at one time.

When she went away to college, my husband and I visited her several times at school and have also gone out partying with her and her college friends.  She recently got married to her college boyfriend, but even though my husband danced with her to the father-daughter dance, her stepfather walked her down the aisle.  That really hurt my husband’s feelings to the point that we almost walked out of the wedding when that happened.

After being married for 3 months, she called her father to tell him she was pregnant.  He in turn called to tell his two sons plus other members of his family to give them the good news.  When my oldest stepson called my stepdaughter to congratulate her, she got mad at my husband.  I don’t understand why because she didn’t tell her father not to say anything to anyone.

She then started claiming that I was stalking her on Facebook and that I pretended to be her father on his Facebook page.  I’ve never done either of these.  The only thing I do is type what he tells me to on his Facebook page because he has a nervous system disorder and can’t write or type.  The only time I have ever said anything about my stepdaughter on my Facebook page was when my husband was sick and I complained that she (without ever mentioning her name) never called or came to visit him, even though she only lives 10 minutes away.

My husband has called her several times on her phone asking what he did to make her block both his and my Facebook pages, but she has never actually told him why and then she blocked his phone calls and emails.  My stepdaughter had a baby shower, but the only people that were invited was my sister-in-law and her daughter.  Neither my brother-in-law’s fiancé, my mother-in-law nor myself were invited to the shower and her son was born in February of this year, but we have yet to meet him. 

I have tried to send her husband several messages to give to her because now my husband is undergoing treatment for nervous system disorder as well prostate cancer, but I don’t know if he has ever given them to her.  He claims that my husband was never there for his daughter, which is totally untrue.  My husband’s ex-wife still badmouths him to this day and I suspect that is where he got this incorrect information.  In fact, he has told me, in no uncertain words, that the right person (her stepfather) walked her down the aisle at their wedding and that my husband is only a “genetic link” to his daughter.  I don’t know where he gets his information, but my husband and stepdaughter used to very close.  I tried to send her an email at work to plead with her to make up with her father, but she freaked out and told me not to send her emails anymore.

We have sent presents, cards, etc. to her, but have never gotten even a thank you (that is true throughout her whole life unfortunately).  When we received thank you cards for the gifts we gave her at her bridal shower and wedding, we were actually surprised.   My husband puts up a good front, but I know he’s extremely upset about this.  Both he and I miss her and want to be a part of her and her baby’s life, but I don’t know what to do about this situation or if anything can be done. 

Any thoughts?
by on Aug. 16, 2012 at 12:24 PM
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Replies (1-10):
ilovemy3boys
by on Aug. 16, 2012 at 12:28 PM
1 mom liked this

I dont have any advice to be honest but i will say i pray for peace you all in this situation.

Panda113
by Bronze Member on Aug. 16, 2012 at 12:38 PM
Give her space and time. How she perceives her relationship with her father may be different than how you perceive it. Being a weekend day is different than a weekday dad. Chances are she was closer to the dad she lived with more. It's her wedding and her decision. Her wedding is not about your husband.
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TempestRayne
by Donna on Aug. 16, 2012 at 12:44 PM


Quoting Panda113:

Give her space and time. How she perceives her relationship with her father may be different than how you perceive it. Being a weekend day is different than a weekday dad. Chances are she was closer to the dad she lived with more. It's her wedding and her decision. Her wedding is not about your husband.


lstar829
by on Aug. 16, 2012 at 12:51 PM

She was originally going to walk down the aisle by herself, but at the last minute she was so nervous that her mother asked her husband to help out.  That wouldn't be so bad, but she told everyone that she asked my husband to do it before asking hers when in fact she never approached him about it.  My husband has reconciled his feelings about the wedding, but is still upset about not talking to his daughter nor ever meeting his grandson.  The child is almost 6 months old and my husband has not spoken to his daughter in a year.  I think that's enough space, don't you?  A friend of mine told me that she hasn't spoken to her father in 25 years and now he has alzeimer's.  She regrets not talking to him now and I don't want to see that happen to my stepdaughter.

Panda113
by Bronze Member on Aug. 16, 2012 at 1:34 PM
1 mom liked this
Time is all relative. In the grand scheme of life, a year is pretty temporary. This thing she has is with her dad. He alone needs to offer the olive branch.
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lstar829
by on Aug. 16, 2012 at 1:52 PM

He's tried to talk to her, but she won't let him.  It's pretty sad, but it is what it is.

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Aug. 16, 2012 at 3:22 PM

Have you ever asked her what you did that has made her feel this way about you (and/or Dad)? 

Regarding this: "The only time I have ever said anything about my stepdaughter on my Facebook page was when my husband was sick and I complained that she (without ever mentioning her name) never called or came to visit him, even though she only lives 10 minutes away."  Those kinds of underhanded antagonistic digs do tend to annoy people. If things were already going bad, using facebook to call her out was a bad idea.

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Aug. 16, 2012 at 3:24 PM

I'm curious about two other minor details. Did your husband pay for her college, or her wedding?

lstar829
by on Aug. 17, 2012 at 7:51 AM

To WhatIknownow = Her grandfather passed away when my stepdaughter was young and left her alot of money.  Her college was paid for out of that as well as the downpayment on the house that her and her now husband bought a few years ago.   Also, my husband and his ex had a "verbal" agreement when they got divorced that if she ever sold their house, he would get $5000.00.  But because he never got that in writing, he could never collect.  That may be where the money came from for the wedding (that was the exact amount of money that my husband's ex gave my stepdaughter towards the wedding) or it may have been squirreled away from the child support he paid. 

lstar829
by on Aug. 17, 2012 at 7:56 AM

To WhatIknownow = Yeah, I've learned not to post complaints anymore.  I just post funny things or updates on my husband's health issues and what is being done about them.  His family members in New Hampshire and North Carolina, as well as those who live around here but don't come to see him very often, appreciate the updates.

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