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So my SS called me out...

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SS13 sits down with DH the other day to tell me he doesn't think it's fair that I have skipped his activities on occasion to take care of my DSs, 15 and almost 17. DS16 is going to be a senior, has been doing college visits, tutoring for the SAT/ACT, plays sports, sings in 2 school groups, and has been learning to driver. Ex is completely absent and lives in another state so all transportation is on me. So, if SS has a game the same night as tutoring for the SAT, guess what is priority to me? The tutoring of course. The tutoring is a set schedule that we started in the beginning of the summer, 2 nites per week, before having the travel baseball schedule for SS.

So I very calmly try to explain that having 4 kids in the house means things have to be juggled. That he has a mom that is lives with half the time that goes to everything. That I don't enjoy missing the games but DS MUST go to tutoring. (he missed his goal scores by a very small margin, these will get him scholarships.) I explained that I am his stepmother and I feel he is expecting me to act like his mother and drop everything when he has something. I told him I felt he was being unfair. I explained that, if the 4 of them were ours together (no other parents) that this would be the same, that one kid would have to have one parent go with them and the other kid, the other parent.

Now, we have tried to parent them equally, giving no privelage to one that we wouldn't give to the other, age appropriate. Now it seems to have backfired. What do you think?

by on Aug. 17, 2012 at 10:52 AM
Replies (71-80):
kellynh
by Kelly on Aug. 18, 2012 at 12:14 PM
2 moms liked this
Ummmm... So ds goes to music, volenteering, a job and tutoring... Okay, do you take him to all those? How many days a week at his job? Pick up and drop off? The statement that you are," expected to be home for dinner on Wed nights" ... Being home fo dinner doesn't sound like a bad thing.

Sounds like the only thing you are really okay with being involved with is ds. I think ss coming to you was a very mature way for him to gain some equal footing. Does he feel like he has to compete for attention in the household? If so why? How does he do in school (ss)?

Saying go to a practice instead wasn't meant to give you an out, or if you can... It was to make ss feel valued. Have you asked him that. What doesnt he feel as important?

Do you work outside the home? Just with ds, your stretched pretty thin.

As stated by another poster, this really isn't about the missing of a game.... It's not... And until you are willing to open up your eyes and see that... This sich will continue to go downhill.
gem_mommie
by on Aug. 18, 2012 at 12:21 PM

 I don't think it's backfired on you - I think it's actually a normal feeling he's having, especially for his age. It's also kind of nice...don't you think? The fact that he WANTS you, his STEPmom, to be part of all of his functions. That means you're important to him and he loves you. ;)

You handled it appropriately and your priorities are what they should be. :)

pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Aug. 18, 2012 at 12:39 PM
1 mom liked this
Wkd, stop. We get it. We get how busy you are, you really don't need to keep proving to us how busy and wonderful your DS16 is. Nobody is arguing that.

I will ask again, why did you post? What is it that you want and need from this group? If it is only for everyone to validate your worldview, let us know now.

I am the mom of Dd18 who never even got her permit. She starts college soon. She has a job and dance and friends. I drive her everywhere. We all do what we have to do. I never criticized or even commented that you did too much for DS.

There is enough information in your posts however, to indicate that there is more to this than a baseball game a week. You have plenty of criticism of everyone in your family (and BM) and you feel like they are ganging up on you. The subtle and not so subtle disdain that comes through in your posts is what you should perhaps consider addressing.

Are you happy?


Quoting wkdwytch:




Quoting pdxmum:

And I quote OP:

"The problem is I am getting ganged up on and hearing "not everything is about C (my son)"  It seems the whole family is jealous of the time I am putting into my son."


Yes, because my son is involved in many things that he needs to be driven to/picked up from since he cannot drive himself there (license or not, he cannot drive in my state at 16 unless to work or college.) He has a job, music ECs that practice over the summer, sports (which he took a break from for the summer, since he decided he didn't have the time.), volunteer work, tutoring, and a girlfriend. His siblings, including my SS? No jobs, no GFs, no EC's (other than SS baseball), no volunteer work. Basically, the other two boys sit on their ass all day and play video games. So, I am always driving my 16yo somewhere and it pisses them off that I do. He has things going on at least 5 days a week, sometimes more. I would rather that than him sit around all day doing nothing.


I bust my ass for all 4 kids in this family. I have been lucky that I have not had to miss much for my SS...made it to concerts, dr appts (even with his mother there), dentist (where his mother won't go because she's afraid of the dentist), his 5th grade "graduation" (which I have always thought was plain silly, didn't like going to the ones for my bio kids), meet the teacher, PTCs, you name it. I miss one game per week and make it to the other, again, usually a double header. It's not like I am not seeing him play. I am just choosing to take my 16yo to tutoring instead because that is the only night I could pick for him to go, based on HIS schedule. Tutoring and schooling are way more important than sports, which is why this same 16yo gave up summer lacrosse.


They have all been told that they can do whatever ECs and stuff that they want and we will find a way to swing them all. This is how we are swinging this one...I miss one game per week to do something very important for my child.


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GlockMom
by Gold Member on Aug. 18, 2012 at 12:46 PM
Fucking ignore Looneytoon......her screen name implies an extensively accurate amount of info.

Looney, if you are so much a college professor or what ever you say you are, why is hearing about a kid seeing a tutor ONCE a week such a big deal? I thought that was pretty damn normal myself. OP and her husband have more than one child and she indicates that the scholarship is NEEDED. Not everyone can afford to put their kids through college. I will, because I have savings I started when I was pregnant with DD13. Also, DD has a large trust fund, education is the only reason she will be allowed to touch it until it is released to her. I am SUPER lucky. Not everyone is. Maybe OP isn't. Did you ever stop to think of the fact that a lot of people that want to go and could handle it can't go because of money? Needing a few more points on the SAT does not make it appear that the kid needs to dumb down his choice college like you are inferring. If he is a few points off from getting a SSCHOLARSHIP THERE doesn't that mean he most likely has the scores for entrance?




Quoting wkdwytch:




Quoting looneytunes290:

I'm sorry my replies always seem so offensive to you. You act like you are the only person in the world who has ever sent a child to college- it doesn't have to be that big of a deal. In the situations that I have witnessed if a kid is requiring super big amounts of conditioning they usually have a really hard time making it and get frustrated (I should note that I teach for a University) anyway he should be enjoying this time in his life. I know some really great doctors that started out a community colleges- and they might not have ever made it into med school if they hadn't because they had better GPAs due to starting on the level that they needed to be on- I also had a very good friend who got a free ride to our state university and he flunked out in the first year. He simply couldn't handle the pressure it took long term to maintain. He then was forced to go down to community college because he lost all his aid and scholarships now he is a very successful attorney. So please don't act as if your the only person in the world who has any knowledge of higher education- It makes you seem very uneducated yourself.


No where did I say I was the only one who knew anything...I am simply saying that there is no reason for this kid to be pissed at me for missing one game per week to take my son to tutoring. As I have said before, I make the other game, which is a double header.


My 16yo is involved is music at school (which rehearses over the summer), he does volunteer work, he has a job, and he goes to tutoring. With that all going on and the fact that I am expected to be home on Wednesday when SD4 comes over for dinner, this is the night he goes to tutoring, the only night available. There is no one else to take him to tutoring. He wants to go to college and wants to do well on his SAT/ACT. Tutoring for these exams is not out of the norm and most of his friends are going somewhere else that is 3 or 4 times the price.


I did not discount community college; he has already been there and spoke to someone. That person told him to take the SAT or ACT and that it would directly affect his placement in his math and english classes. It wouldn't matter that he took ap or advanced/college level courses. his scores on the exams are the thing that matters. FYI, he is not out of his element on this subject...he was 40 points shy of what he needed on the SAT and 5 points shy on the ACT. He asked for the tutoring so that he could touch on his weakneses, weaknesses that everyone has. I am not taking a C student and trying to pass him off as an A student. He's a steady B in Math and A everywhere else.


Quoting wkdwytch:


 





Quoting looneytunes290:

Is this the same kid that you were feeaking out about how to pay for college for a couple days ago? If he's requiring that much effort in tutoring and all to qualify for scholarships and such you should really consider a community college. He shouldn't have to be working that hard just to get in the doors- not so much that it takes over everyone's life. Maybe your ss is just recognizing a little OCD on your part about the whole thing and getting tired of hearing about it.



First of all, I was not freaking out. I was referring to my CO and asking opinions.



Second, 99% of the kids out there, including the high honors students, go to tutoring for the SAT. It is a high pressure test for EVERYONE who takes it. He has kids at the place he goes to re-taking it it because they didn't get the perfect score they wanted.



Yes, he should be working "that hard" to go to college. Even the community college looks at these tests now for placement into the correct English and Math classes.



Quoting wkdwytch:



 







Quoting pdxmum:

Red flags always go up for me when the flood gates creep open with more and more negative usually about BM.

This isn't about tutoring. You clearly have unresolved resentments building.

Baseball games last for hours. You could make this work, but you won't because BM won't cut the apron strings and you play favorites.

And why did you post this? What were you looking to gain since you seem completely disinterested in any feedback or advice...




What feedback or advice did I dismiss? I don't have excuses, I have valid reasons. I have a kid who needs tutoring to take his college entrance exams and, lst time I checked, school should always come before sports. There is no one around to take my son to tutoring except me or DH and he won't miss a baseball game so that I can see it. I miss one game per week and make the other...why is that so bad? I don't have any resentments...BM is a great mother except she can't let the kid think for himself (ex:he isn't allowed to pick out his own underwear or decide what to wear to school and is 13!) The baseball games go 7 innings, which has been taking about 2 hours. So I drive 20 minutes, wait an hour, then drive another 20 minutes. By the time I get to the field and park, it's just about over.




 




 






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baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Aug. 18, 2012 at 12:49 PM
1 mom liked this

 He's trying to tell you something and you are not listening. You are only listening to yourself and your excuses. Someone came to you with a problem and you just seem to want it to go away by ignoring the meat of this issue.

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Aug. 18, 2012 at 12:51 PM

 Mybe you should get real honest with people and let them know that SS is not your top priority.

weirdkids
by on Aug. 18, 2012 at 12:57 PM
3 of my skids live in my home. We go through this. Why don't you switch off with dh? U take SS to game dh takes DS to toutoring? It sounds like SS wants a chance to show off to you and make you proud too.
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packermomof2
by on Aug. 18, 2012 at 12:57 PM


Quoting pdxmum:

I think if this really was just about OP missing one game a week, it would be easy. But everyone in her family is telling her she is being unbalanced about DS.

Maybe should give up her date night with her husband so she can make both the games and get her son to tutoring?  No...hubby won't like that.  How about the other game she goes to she just doesn't go and she switches tutoring to that night and goes to the game her SS wants her at?  I doubt that will fix things as she still isn't at both games...
Thing is... she is a mom.  Her SS has one of those already and her son only has her.  Tutoring is one night a week.  That and since when do parents need to justify NOT doing things for their SKs or prioritizing their own kids over their SKs in some areas? 
Maybe dad could back her up instead of whining that his son isn't getting all her attention.  He doesn't miss his kids games, sounds like his mom doesn't either so the son and the adult can quit complaining that a mom is doing something for her own kid one night a week.  Doesn't matter how old he is, not all parents stop helping or doing for the kid when they are still a kid...an older teen but still a kid.
ShannaBee
by on Aug. 18, 2012 at 12:57 PM

What you are experiencing is normal. Sometimes I'd get jealous when I thought my mom cared more for my sisters activities. It is normal for a child to feel jealous and left out. I think you did your best by trying to explain to him the reasonings.

Troubleswife
by on Aug. 18, 2012 at 12:58 PM

I think PDXMum hit on something I can see.  

Guilt is a funny thing. It manipulates us into thinking what we are doing is right when in fact it is on right for us. Self serving guilt.

In reading your posts, I think you are attempting to fill a void for your son and perhaps yourself by your focus being primarily your son right now. He's the victim of this horrible outcome of your divorce and life and deserves better.

The same goes for your stepson. He has been lead to believe that it is okay not to share attention and primary focus should be on him. Guilt from parents who let their children down and never teach their kids that disappointment and others not always being there is part of life.

My kids have wanted other family members to make them center of attention but expecting their attendence to every event would be kaboshed by me. I think they need to learn to share and that life isn't always about them and only them. 

Society has created this monster where parents are chaffeurs and kids are the driving force of the family environment - long are the days where the kids go to a park and play with other kids, share the play ground toys, go roller skating or hang out at the local YMCA as they focus on social skills.

They are chaffuered to elite dance, gymnastics, little league, traveling soccer, private music lessons and tutoring, where they and everyone are expected to be present or they are loser parents. Look at me! Look at me! I am center stage and it's all a big competition unless we teach them otherwise.

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