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How to handle Step Daughter

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Hi I am new to this forum and new to having a step daughter around.  My boyfriend and I were about to get married when his daughter decided to move in with him/us.  Since she has been around she has done nothing but say "I  am bored" "I don't want to do that" "Daddy I don't want to" and yelling "daddy" or my name every time we do anything as if to correct us for breathing!.  She freaks out if we talk to each other.  She wants to know everything we say. When we are in the other room talking she will text her dad or me, just so we are still paying attention to her.  She contradicts everything I say.  Her dad doesn't do anything. He is trying to be her friend because he doesn't want her to leave.

She was in the same clothes for over 72 hours and I told her to get a shower and change her clothes and you would have thought I was the devil or something!  Everytime I try to correct her she freaks out.  She doesn't listen to anything her dad says.  If she does do what he says after much fussing, then she doesn't complete it.  I know she is 12 but I never let my kids do this stuff.  So I started speaking up and he told me to quit fighting with her.  So now I am biting my lip.  And I feel myself wanting to go off in a room by myself because I hate being around someone with such an attitude. I don't feel comfortable in my home now and I don't feel comfortable anytime she is around either.  What can I or can't I do?  Because she is coming between us and even though I love him...I can't live like this. 

by on Aug. 19, 2012 at 2:24 AM
Replies (11-20):
FresshAir
by on Aug. 19, 2012 at 11:17 AM
2 moms liked this
IMO, I feel that this is a symptom... a sign of something deeper. She seems to have some issues that you both need help addressing. I would recommend someone skilled, like a counselor or therapist; a neutral party that can draw out the underlying issues and help with communication and coping skills.
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Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Aug. 19, 2012 at 11:38 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting Amy1973Potts:

I'd bail. You won't get anywhere with a poor widdle child of divorce. Her behavior is validated by her parents and you can't change that, no matter how long you have been in her life. If your boyfriend can't stand up to a 12 year old, just wait til she is 16. Then 20.

THIS-ALLL OF THIS-it'll only get worse-like Amy said-if he can't stand up to his 12yo-you're gonna have bigger issues down the road.

I'm sure you do love him-and want to be with him-but ultimately his kids are gonna come first. And if he doesn't parent her now-he won't do it later on when the real fun begins (dating/boys/sex/high school)

mytinydancer
by Member on Aug. 19, 2012 at 11:56 AM
1 mom liked this
I feel your pain. My sd is also 12 and my ss 10 hate when I tell them anything. I also asked the other step moms in this group for advice. They suggested that I leave it up to dad to deal with her. I know its hard because in our house we have rules that I know at her mom's are different. I was also starting to stay away and be in my bedroom because I didn't want to be around them. I had to have a serious and I mean serious heart to heart with my husband. I told him that I would no longer put up with his kids being disrespectful to me and I needed him to back me up on our rules. He talked to them and they know we are a team and we mean business. Things have been much better around here. You need to tell him how you feel and if he truly loves you and wants your relationship to work then he will listen.
Mrs_Nelson
by on Aug. 19, 2012 at 12:08 PM
Did you actually read the post? The girl did not live with them until recently and the sm and dad actually put off their wedding to faciliate the child moving in with them. Also she has other children who are not allowed to behave that way but have to sit by and watch this other kid misbehave? How is that fair? Maybe she should tell her kids that they can misbehave now too. After all whats good for the goose....


Quoting baparrot2:

 Ask yourself this.....were they fine before you came along? No, not YOUR definition of "fine" either. Who are you to come into an already established relationship like this and decide it needs to be different because YOU dont like it. SM's need to be careful about some of the family relationships that they have a hand in ruining.


I would not be saying this if the girl was younger and you had been an established family member. But you are not. You are merely dad's girlfriend.


Therefore I disagree with all of the advice you have been given so far. It is not your place to try to fix something that no one else but you think is broken. You are jealous. You want him all to yourself and she is in the way. Bad Stepmom 101 if you ask me.


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macbudsmom
by Silver Member on Aug. 19, 2012 at 1:06 PM
12 year olds are difficult to begin with. Its normal. Now on top of that you are all new to this living situation and trying to figure it out. Give it time if you and dh are committed you can make this work but you need to understand sd is and always should be an integral part of your dh's life. If you cant handle that, do them a favor and leave now.
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Amy1973Potts
by on Aug. 19, 2012 at 2:57 PM
2 moms liked this
So sick of 'just Dads girlfriend' despite the fact you are getting married.

Give it a rest.
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newstepmom61811
by on Aug. 19, 2012 at 3:15 PM
4 moms liked this
Yeah, when I read those belittling words I realize that person's argument has lost steam and validity so they have to try to resort to trying to make another woman feel insignificant in her relationship. To pass judgement on another's relationship based on a piece of paper is presumptuous. First, for those married we ALL started as DH's GF, all walked that hard road of getting to know the man and kids and should have more empathy. Second, some simply choose never to have a ceremony or pay the courthouse but legally live no less married for years than married couples. Third, plenty of BMs have children and were never in fact married to the BF and he chooses to marry SM, so if it's a marriage license tit-for-tat, SM in that case is the only wife, BM is just the lay...be careful casting stones or judgement, lest your house be pristine above reproach...when I read those words, I quit reading further, all credibility is lost and a name calling tit-for-tat has begun.


Quoting Amy1973Potts:

So sick of 'just Dads girlfriend' despite the fact you are getting married.



Give it a rest.

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annabl1970
by Gold Member on Aug. 19, 2012 at 4:13 PM

shake hand

Quoting newstepmom61811:

Yeah, when I read those belittling words I realize that person's argument has lost steam and validity so they have to try to resort to trying to make another woman feel insignificant in her relationship. To pass judgement on another's relationship based on a piece of paper is presumptuous. First, for those married we ALL started as DH's GF, all walked that hard road of getting to know the man and kids and should have more empathy. Second, some simply choose never to have a ceremony or pay the courthouse but legally live no less married for years than married couples. Third, plenty of BMs have children and were never in fact married to the BF and he chooses to marry SM, so if it's a marriage license tit-for-tat, SM in that case is the only wife, BM is just the lay...be careful casting stones or judgement, lest your house be pristine above reproach...when I read those words, I quit reading further, all credibility is lost and a name calling tit-for-tat has begun.


Quoting Amy1973Potts:

So sick of 'just Dads girlfriend' despite the fact you are getting married.



Give it a rest.


lovingmomktc
by on Aug. 19, 2012 at 4:13 PM

I disagree that I am jealous of SD.  Everyday I encourage them to go off and have alone time together doing father/daughter stuff.  And I am thinking of leaving so he can be with his daughter.  I wanted it to work out with the three of us.  I wanted to have a kid around again too because I miss mine so much.  But I will search deep to see if I am jealous all the same.  Thanks for input.

annabl1970
by Gold Member on Aug. 19, 2012 at 4:13 PM

Family therapy, did you try it?

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