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I am a full time mom to my two skids & ds. DS is at his fathers three out of four weekends a month & with me the rest of the time. Skids BM is not in pic at all. They are young, 5 & 7 (ds is 8). So I know that it is important for me to do the best I can to be a mom for them, but also keeping in mind & respecting that, despite all her flaws & basic abandonment of them, they do have a BM & Iwill always be sm.

I try to be a good mom for them, but there are a lot of days when my patience just isn't there. They aren't terrible kids. They've got the normal age appropriate behaviors, good & bad. But I have such a hard time being nurturing to them. I find it vey difficult to hug &/or kiss them & have to force it, because, despite my lack of natural maternal feelings for them, I want them to feel secure & know I will be there for them, even if their BM couldn't be... But also making sure they know I'm not replacing her.

I just somedays have no patience for them & find myself almost wishing they didn't existing...Im horrible I know. SS, 7yrs, is overly annoying just in general, is just his personality. He's clingy, loud, obnoxious, extremely smart for his age, so always asking questions, nothing a billion other kids aren't doing, but I ind myself loathing him some days & wanting to tell him to shut the hell up... My sd, 5yrs, is getting into her 5yr old bossy, me me me stage right now & I'm finding her to be less tolerable daily... She also has an terribley high pitched voice, which gets under my skin so easy...

I feel terrible. I want so bad to have the maternal feelings i have for ds 8yrs, I find it natural to hug him, easy to comfort him & easier to forgive his faults &/or wrong doings. I struggle with all of that with the skids. I pray it gets easier & those negative feelings. Or being nurturing to them will over time become easier... I feel terrible that I sometimes hate my Skids & for no reason at all it seems, what is wrong with me?!
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 12:02 AM
Replies (11-20):
Mrs.Kubalabuku
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 10:00 AM
2 moms liked this

I would advise some counseling.  Specifically, talk therapy.

But, don't be too hard on yourself.  Many women have days they feel those same things about their biological children!  I think it is normal, but you need help finding better ways to connect, and better outlets for the negative emotions, kwim?

What is Bio Dad doing?  Those kids are old enough, you should send him and those kids out to a ballgame or something when your DS is at Dad's, and take some time to relax, too.

Finally, stop stressing so much about not "being" their mother.  Do what feels natural.  If you love them, love them.  If you are upset, be upset.  Quit trying to temper every emotion and interaction with thoughts of Bio Mom.  Point is, she isn't there.  You won't replace her, but you shouldn't NOT be yourself, and you shouldn't NOT do your parental thing b/c you ARE a parent.  I think some of your hesitation comes from the fear that if you hug them and love them unconditionally you are somehow doing them or bio mom a disservice.  You aren't.  You are being a parent, step or not.  Bio Mom is doing herself a disservice by not being there.  And the kids will benefit, not be hurt, by knowing you aren't holding back your love for them.

The reason you are so at ease with your DS is b/c you aren't worried about anyone else but you and him. 

Also, depending on how long you have been Stepmom, you have had more time to bond iwth your own DS.  Give it time.  Over the years I think you'll have this sorted out much better and be well bonded to each one of them.  You need a break from ALL kids sometimes, but I also wonder if you need to spend some special time while your DS is at Dad's bonding one on one with your Skids.  Maybe one weekend take SD out.  Then, next weekend take SS out.  Get to know them as people, as children, not just as the responsibilities you have taken on, kwim?

BabyPink07
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 10:19 AM
5 moms liked this

honestly, I think your problem is that you think of them as not yours or step kids. You say their mom isn't in the picture? Then why wouldn't you want to try to replace her, fill her role and her absence in their hearts. They are too young to understand, and probably just feel abandoned by her, and notice the difference in attention you give your son and feel slighted from you. You are only human, and I'm not trying to blame you, but what I'm saying is that if you want to be maternal towards these kids, then you have to stop thinking of them as someone else's, especially if that someone else doesn't give a shit. I'm sure they know that you're not their birth mother, but there is no reason you can't be their real mom. They'd appreciate that more than anything later in life, even if they throw it in your face now. 

And BTW, all moms hate their kids at a time. Just take a breather and relax. 

CABZS
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 10:21 AM
4 moms liked this

Sorry, I just can't understand.

I have never found it hard to be nurturing towards any child.  ALL children can be annoying, including my own. 

I am nurturing towards every child in my life, I just couldn't imagine wishing for children, step children, any child just to not exist.  That is so sad.

FindersKeepers
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 10:22 AM
4 moms liked this

I agree with this..... having been abandoned by my birth mom... .my step-mom is the only mom I get. And she resented my very existence.   =(    

In my 30s she finally started to come around to be more 'motherly', but now that she is end of life planning for their will... everything important is going to her niece and not to me or my sister.   It puts in words/writing what we always knew anyway... but it still hurts to know that her niece is the kid she always wanted.

It is healty to acknowledge your feelings.... I hope for the kids sake that you can find a way to get past those feelings.  They are innocent and abondoned.  You are their ONLY chance to have a mom.   Even if their egg donor comes back into the picture later in life.... it would mean little compared to the person that took care of them every day. 

Quoting MomTiara19:

Man.....I just balled my eyes out:(

I am an adult step child and your post just proved what I always knew inside.My step dad never loved me....just my bio mom.

I did everything in my life to win that man over....and he could never love me.I guess the clingyness is a reaction to being pushed away.You fear abandonment and that no one will ever love you.

You have a right to your emotions.Whatever you do let their dad love them....for they arent treated fairly....life handed these kids a bum deal.

~Tia


gypsy_rose
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 10:30 AM
6 moms liked this

Not everyone feels this way. I love my pain in the butt stepkids as much as I love my pain in the butt kids. LOL. They all drive me equaly insane....maybe it's because I am adopted though....I never saw blood as family but the people who love and help you.

Quoting MomTiara19:

Man.....I just balled my eyes out:(

I am an adult step child and your post just proved what I always knew inside.My step dad never loved me....just my bio mom.

I did everything in my life to win that man over....and he could never love me.I guess the clingyness is a reaction to being pushed away.You fear abandonment and that no one will ever love you.

You have a right to your emotions.Whatever you do let their dad love them....for they arent treated fairly....life handed these kids a bum deal.

~Tia


rebeccasmly
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 10:46 AM

This is something I completely understand. I am a SAHM for 6 kids. I also home school so the kids are with me all the time. I also do the majority of the driving for ECs. DH can be gone for 12-14 hours a day if he has a big project going on. Or when he travels, he can be gone for weeks at a time. BM has visitation 1 day a month. It is very stressful. There are times I just get so frustrated and stressed, I pull away from them all, including my own. I am learning I need to tell DH and not try to handle it all on my own. I need to tell DH when I need him home even if he has a big project going on. DH has had a huge eye-opener though in the past several weeks. He was injured and is unable to drive or work full days and such for the time being. So I have taken charge in running the business. He is spending every day all day with the kids and realizing how much I do and how frustrating it can be. The thing is, we need to talk to our guys. We need to tell them how we're feeling and that we need them here not just physically but emotionally. There is nothing wrong with you. I encourage you to talk with your husband though and explain all this to him.

rebeccasmly
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 10:53 AM
1 mom liked this

This is not the case with all step parents at all. I am sorry this was the case for you, I truly am. I do not see anything in the OP that said she did not love her SKs just she was struggling. Maybe I see it differently because I have felt the way she feels, not just for my SKs but also for my BKs. Life gets to be too much sometimes and you have to step back. The OP hasn't had the chance to step back and just breathe and she needs to. My SF loves me dearly and I am very close to him even still and my mom has passed away. I love my SKs dearly and I would do and do do for them as I do for my BKs. I have a very close relationship with them even though I feel so frustrated sometimes I don't want to be around them (or anyone else for that matter). Again I am truly sorry for what happened with you.

Quoting MomTiara19:

Man.....I just balled my eyes out:(

I am an adult step child and your post just proved what I always knew inside.My step dad never loved me....just my bio mom.

I did everything in my life to win that man over....and he could never love me.I guess the clingyness is a reaction to being pushed away.You fear abandonment and that no one will ever love you.

You have a right to your emotions.Whatever you do let their dad love them....for they arent treated fairly....life handed these kids a bum deal.

~Tia


raerae725
by Silver Member on Aug. 24, 2012 at 10:57 AM
1 mom liked this
I say the same thing to my Dh and the kids are usually mine! Super mom doesn't exist in this house.

Quoting Ms.Gwen:

You don't have a bio-filter with your skid like you do for your son. This is normal. When I feel this way I vent a bit to my DH and finish with "I love these kids baby, but I think I need a damn break! So, tag you're it."

He is awesome. He doesn't berate me or get defensive. He asks me how much time I need and if I'll still do bedtime routine with him.
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Chillisarah
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 10:58 AM
1 mom liked this

Hopefully things get better.  Honestly, I think they will.  I think it's just something you are going through right now and your feelings will (hopefully) change.  

I do have a suggestion though.  Spend time with each of your step kids individually.  Take your stepson skating or something he would really enjoy-just you and him. Take your stepdaughter for a pedicure at a salon and then ice cream...or something she would really like to do.  

Ok, so you don't have a natural maternal instinct toward kids that you didn't birth...  But now that you know the things standing in the way of the bonding - fix it.  It can be sorted and fixed.  You will grow to like them but you have to make a genuine effort to bond with each child one on one.  They are your dh's kids and will forever be apart of him and when you look at them, I'm sure you see your dh in them.

I am a step child.  I have a great relationship with my stepmom but my other sisters don't.  I know I am my stepmom's favorite.. So I understand how bonding individually will help with your issues with the kids.


dallas4nu
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 11:04 AM
My ss is the same way!! SOO clingy with dh it drives us both crazy. Nearly everywhere he goes, ss is right behind him. He had a talk with him about personal space and boundaries which helped a little.

He also has to start talking about himself or when he was a baby (he's 7) whenever we laugh or comment about somethin cute our dd did. (She's almost 1). It's really annoying and I find myself feeling like the wicked witch because I'm so annoyed and irritated by him sometimes.


Quoting ManicAttack:

I have the same problems with SS8.  I don't know if it is the age or what...but some days, I can't stand to be around him.  :(  I do not have my own children but I feel like I'm becoming the Wicked Witch of the West sometimes, because my patiences wears thin.  It doesn't help he does everything your SS does ON PURPOSE because he KNOWS it gets under SO's AND my skin.  He is very clingy to SO if SO is paying attention to me in any way. Otherwise, he isn't to be seen.  He could be playing in his room while we're in the living room, and we'll be doing our own thing.  If SO starts talking to me, SS comes out and interrupts in SOME WAY.  I feel the same thing- I want to say "shut the hell up and don't interrupt us!"  

I don't know if it's because we're a couple of those women that do not bond well with OTHER people's children (I love my niece and nephew like my own, but any other kid gets under my nerves....), or if it's because we're (well, in my case, anyway) not allowed to parent them.  I'm not allowed to "parent" SS because my ideas vary greatly from SO's.  It's frustrating......

I know what you are going through......I feel bad most of the time.  The other part, not so much because my mom had SKs she couldn't stand (and they were semi-normal lol) but she stuck it out and is still with my SF.  Has been for 22 years!  Gives me some hope lol.  

You need to stop taking on the full-time responsibility of your SKs...is there anyway you can get a break from them on your own?  When SO is home with SS, I go in my bedroom, by myself, and tell them to leave me alone while I watch TV or knit or whatever.  Just so I'm away from them lol.  


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