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I am a full time mom to my two skids & ds. DS is at his fathers three out of four weekends a month & with me the rest of the time. Skids BM is not in pic at all. They are young, 5 & 7 (ds is 8). So I know that it is important for me to do the best I can to be a mom for them, but also keeping in mind & respecting that, despite all her flaws & basic abandonment of them, they do have a BM & Iwill always be sm.

I try to be a good mom for them, but there are a lot of days when my patience just isn't there. They aren't terrible kids. They've got the normal age appropriate behaviors, good & bad. But I have such a hard time being nurturing to them. I find it vey difficult to hug &/or kiss them & have to force it, because, despite my lack of natural maternal feelings for them, I want them to feel secure & know I will be there for them, even if their BM couldn't be... But also making sure they know I'm not replacing her.

I just somedays have no patience for them & find myself almost wishing they didn't existing...Im horrible I know. SS, 7yrs, is overly annoying just in general, is just his personality. He's clingy, loud, obnoxious, extremely smart for his age, so always asking questions, nothing a billion other kids aren't doing, but I ind myself loathing him some days & wanting to tell him to shut the hell up... My sd, 5yrs, is getting into her 5yr old bossy, me me me stage right now & I'm finding her to be less tolerable daily... She also has an terribley high pitched voice, which gets under my skin so easy...

I feel terrible. I want so bad to have the maternal feelings i have for ds 8yrs, I find it natural to hug him, easy to comfort him & easier to forgive his faults &/or wrong doings. I struggle with all of that with the skids. I pray it gets easier & those negative feelings. Or being nurturing to them will over time become easier... I feel terrible that I sometimes hate my Skids & for no reason at all it seems, what is wrong with me?!
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 12:02 AM
Replies (141-149):
supercarp
by on Aug. 27, 2012 at 4:15 PM
2 moms liked this

At least you recognize it, I am really proud of you for that. These poor children are orphans in a way; it must be heartbreaking for them to not have their mother. You are the only one they have. Every child is unlovable at times. I am praying that you are successful because you will be the reason 2 children had a great childhood instead of a miserable one, and may make all the difference in their lives.

ididntdoit111
by on Aug. 28, 2012 at 4:04 PM

You ARE NOT  a horrible person. It is very hard to be a parent and even harder if the children are not biologically yours. I'm glad to see so many others are responding kindly. My adult daughter is going thru a similar situation only it's her DD treated badly by her fiancee'. He is aware of how unfairly he treats his SD and is trying hard to improve(it;s starting to work out for the better YAY!!!) but for awhile my daughter was afraid the relationship was doomed. She even gave his ring back telling him if he could'nt  accept her DD faults then she could'nt accept his. The have a 8 month old son together and my future son in law also has patience issue with his DS. I'm in agreement with the other moms. Talk to DH, ask for help. Explain that though you love these kids(and I believe you do!) you feel overwhelmed. These kids are clingy because they feel your distance and they are afraid they'll lose you like they lost mom. It may not be something they can put into words and I'm not saying they think you don't love them, it's more of a feeling they have. Family counseling  would be invaluable for your whole family.    I grew up in a blended family and I'm happy to say my mom and my step dad treated all of us kids the same. And in a perfect world it would always be easy. But this isn't a perfect world. Hold tight to the knowledge you are not alone. Step parenting is hard. Talk to your DH and a doctor. Good Luck and keep us posted.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

aletta
by on Sep. 7, 2012 at 5:24 PM

I was a single parent.  My husband died when my sons were very young.  I needed time alone & let them know it.  During the school year, through 6th grade, their bedtime was 8 to, eventually, 9.  I told them they could do what they wanted in their room, but I had to unwind.  My sons were wonderful about it.  Maybe you could use the same logic with your husband & he can take over the evening bedtime routine.

You also have to explain it to the children.  Put it on you.  Kids care & will do their best to help.  They DO live up to your expectations.

GardenerArtist
by on Sep. 7, 2012 at 10:30 PM

When I married my husband, I did not expect him to love my 3 kids like his own 4 kids. I don't think it's realistic to EXPECT it. yes, it's nice if it happens, but to have that expectation is wrong.  I expected my kids and him to respect each other. period.  They did come to love each other, but it took time.  But, I am sure the love for his own kids is different from my kids. 

The kids have a right to be taken care of, to get an education, to be safe and secure. sounds like you are doing those things.  Quit beating yourself up.  Some kids are prickly, not affectionate, not loving kids towards others, making it harder to get that attachment. 

It might be a good idea to video your interactions with them, and then take a look and see what you liked and didn't like in how you interact with them.

Shundreka2000
by on Sep. 21, 2012 at 7:23 PM
We are a military family so we don't have the privilege of just moving closer. That sucks but it doesn't mean that we do not love this little kiddos to death. We are currently going through the court to try and get custody but as you may know, it's very hard to take children from their mother. This is the second attempt, so we are hoping we get them. Pray that we do or pray that if we don't the kids will be alright until we can fight for them again.


Quoting macbudsmom:

Find a way to move closer so they can have an actual relationship with you guys. Or if their bm is so bad why does dad allow them to stay there?




Quoting Shundreka2000:

I totally understand how you feel. My skids BM is an awful woman. She's ghetto and stupid. They don't speak properly and they and a ton of annoying habits. I try so hard to treat them like I treat my daughter, but we, my husband and I, can't. We can't be as hard on them as we are with my daughter, my husband adopted my daughter. They are only here for the summer because we live so far away, Alabama and Washington State. Because we don't want the entire summer to be filled with kids getting in trouble we bend the rules for them so they don't feel like they want to go home, or so they don't feel like next summer they don't want to come back.





This leaves my daughter feeling awful. She's 6 and I can just see it. She feels like we are harder on her and that she's gets in trouble for everything and they get away with murder.





My feelings towards them are forced because I know that they don't really care about me. They have a mom at home so I'm just something that comes along with summer visitation. Now while they love on me and talk to me and want me around all of the time idk what's real. I Feel they love on me as much as they do because their mother is a dead beat and they don't get this kind of love and affection from her. I don't like feeling used especially by kids who are being just awful to my biological child. I feel like I have to protect her but I'm an adult who has to be none biased. How do you do that?


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
macbudsmom
by Silver Member on Sep. 21, 2012 at 7:36 PM
Prayer said and thank you for you and or dhs service.


Quoting Shundreka2000:

We are a military family so we don't have the privilege of just moving closer. That sucks but it doesn't mean that we do not love this little kiddos to death. We are currently going through the court to try and get custody but as you may know, it's very hard to take children from their mother. This is the second attempt, so we are hoping we get them. Pray that we do or pray that if we don't the kids will be alright until we can fight for them again.




Quoting macbudsmom:

Find a way to move closer so they can have an actual relationship with you guys. Or if their bm is so bad why does dad allow them to stay there?






Quoting Shundreka2000:

I totally understand how you feel. My skids BM is an awful woman. She's ghetto and stupid. They don't speak properly and they and a ton of annoying habits. I try so hard to treat them like I treat my daughter, but we, my husband and I, can't. We can't be as hard on them as we are with my daughter, my husband adopted my daughter. They are only here for the summer because we live so far away, Alabama and Washington State. Because we don't want the entire summer to be filled with kids getting in trouble we bend the rules for them so they don't feel like they want to go home, or so they don't feel like next summer they don't want to come back.







This leaves my daughter feeling awful. She's 6 and I can just see it. She feels like we are harder on her and that she's gets in trouble for everything and they get away with murder.







My feelings towards them are forced because I know that they don't really care about me. They have a mom at home so I'm just something that comes along with summer visitation. Now while they love on me and talk to me and want me around all of the time idk what's real. I Feel they love on me as much as they do because their mother is a dead beat and they don't get this kind of love and affection from her. I don't like feeling used especially by kids who are being just awful to my biological child. I feel like I have to protect her but I'm an adult who has to be none biased. How do you do that?



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
ConfusedStep
by on Sep. 21, 2012 at 9:46 PM

And I was starting to really hate myself for having the same feelings towards my step kids.

Shundreka2000
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 6:27 PM

Thank You

ShannaBee
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 10:10 PM
Don't feel bad. What you are feeling is perfectally normal. Many SMs cannot form a maternal bond with their SKs. That doesn't make you a horrible person or SM, it is just natural.
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