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I am a full time mom to my two skids & ds. DS is at his fathers three out of four weekends a month & with me the rest of the time. Skids BM is not in pic at all. They are young, 5 & 7 (ds is 8). So I know that it is important for me to do the best I can to be a mom for them, but also keeping in mind & respecting that, despite all her flaws & basic abandonment of them, they do have a BM & Iwill always be sm.

I try to be a good mom for them, but there are a lot of days when my patience just isn't there. They aren't terrible kids. They've got the normal age appropriate behaviors, good & bad. But I have such a hard time being nurturing to them. I find it vey difficult to hug &/or kiss them & have to force it, because, despite my lack of natural maternal feelings for them, I want them to feel secure & know I will be there for them, even if their BM couldn't be... But also making sure they know I'm not replacing her.

I just somedays have no patience for them & find myself almost wishing they didn't existing...Im horrible I know. SS, 7yrs, is overly annoying just in general, is just his personality. He's clingy, loud, obnoxious, extremely smart for his age, so always asking questions, nothing a billion other kids aren't doing, but I ind myself loathing him some days & wanting to tell him to shut the hell up... My sd, 5yrs, is getting into her 5yr old bossy, me me me stage right now & I'm finding her to be less tolerable daily... She also has an terribley high pitched voice, which gets under my skin so easy...

I feel terrible. I want so bad to have the maternal feelings i have for ds 8yrs, I find it natural to hug him, easy to comfort him & easier to forgive his faults &/or wrong doings. I struggle with all of that with the skids. I pray it gets easier & those negative feelings. Or being nurturing to them will over time become easier... I feel terrible that I sometimes hate my Skids & for no reason at all it seems, what is wrong with me?!
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 12:02 AM
Replies (21-30):
Sandiekd21
by Member on Aug. 24, 2012 at 11:18 AM

I feel the exact way with SD6. Her mom isn't in the picture, either, and I, too, force myself to hug and kiss and act affectionate to her, knowing that I need to so that she feels secure.
You're not alone!

TabM
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 11:26 AM
3 moms liked this

I suggest counseling and while it may sound extreme let me explain. I grew up in a very similar situation and I know how it feels to be those kids. My step mom felt about the same way towards me only she had 3 of her own and I was the only step kid. I took me moving out when I was a teenager for her to finally go talk to someone. Through counseling she finally got to the root of the problem and it had nothing to do with me.

The night of my high school graduation her and I sat down and she explained to me what she had discovered and basically when her and my father first got together she was in the process of trying to get her life together and had to send her girls out to stay with her parents for a few weeks. Apparently my dad and I went with her (I was 4 and don't remember) to drop off her kids at the airport. My mother wasn't in the picture and with the other 3 girls calling her mommy I picked it up very quickly and so.....as she is sending her kids off and saying goodbye I walked up and held her hand and called her mommy. From that day forward she hated me and it just grew and grew until it became normal and neither of us knew where it started it was just the way it was.

That night we sat and talked and cried for 3 hours and it was the first conversation I can recall having with her that didn't turn into a screaming match. Since then we have built a relationship and are as close as any natural mother and daughter but I still have many scars from being treated that way all my life. I know it also effects her still too. A few years ago we had a family get together and pulled out some old home videos. In them you could hear her talking to me in the background and then talking to other people. I didn't think anything of it but she ran out of the room in tears and I ran after her. She told me that she had never realized until she heard that how badly she actually treated me and that you could hear the hatred in her voice and she was ashamed and can't imagine having treated a child that way.

I know you think you are putting on a good front and forcing it but they will pick up on it and it will effect them. Just the fact that you are acknowledging these feelings shows that you do care for them and don't want to feel this way, you are on the right path just keep going until you resolve it. Good luck!

MomGoingCrazy78
by Lindy Lou on Aug. 24, 2012 at 11:36 AM

This is not always the case!! I am SM to my SD who is 10 and have been for 7 years. I love that little girl like she was my own and she knows it! :) She doesn't remember life without me and my kids and she is as big a part of our family as anyone else. She knows that I am here for her no matter what. I am the one who she openly talks to and who she comes to for advice. I do love her and truly care about her. I am so sorry that you had a negative experience with a step parent.

Quoting MomTiara19:

Man.....I just balled my eyes out:(

I am an adult step child and your post just proved what I always knew inside.My step dad never loved me....just my bio mom.

I did everything in my life to win that man over....and he could never love me.I guess the clingyness is a reaction to being pushed away.You fear abandonment and that no one will ever love you.

You have a right to your emotions.Whatever you do let their dad love them....for they arent treated fairly....life handed these kids a bum deal.

~Tia


shimmifairy
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 12:06 PM
5 moms liked this

As much as we would like to believe differently, it really is different when it's not your child....

You don't say in the post how long you have been together, but you will probably come to feel more for them as time goes on....Our own children are born and we love them right away....Both because of the many months carrying an inticipating their arrival and the complicated coctail of hormones that birth and nursing release to make that bond....But we also love them even more as they get older and we get to know the little people who grew in our bellies...

With step children, no matter how awesome they are, there isn't that isntant love and bonding....that takes time...Keep doing what you're doing, maybe try to find time to be out of the house by yourself a couple of times a month...As they get older, as you spend more time mothering them, the love and effection will come....

LNLMommy
by Member on Aug. 24, 2012 at 12:45 PM
2 moms liked this

 I havel felt the same way! Sometimes I still do. I just have to remind myself that these are children and need love no matter what. I think I wrote a post like this not too long ago and one mom suggested to just try smiling at them. Kind of like you would do with a kid you are babysitting. It has worked for me, even when I'm at my wits end. Don't beat yourself up and don't try to force any feelings either. There is no time table on how long its suppose to take you to develop those feelings. Once you forgive yourself for feeling the way you feel then it will be easier to bond with them because there is no pressure on you to feel this way.

bloodytears1986
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 12:47 PM

I would say nothing is wrong with you. You are having nomral feelings. You never bonded with the children when they were babies and now it's just tough to form a bond with them. I can actually totally relate. SS is 12 and while we only get him every other weekend, I dread those weekends. He'a almost a teenager and getting into the mouthy, attitude behavior and I can't stand it. I myself am not the most maternal person anyways, I have trouble bonding with my own DD. I just can't seem to bond with SS. Also, hating BM with a passion never helps. I know that it's not his fault he has such a witch of a mother and that he shouldn't pay for her being a b***h but I just am human and can't reconcile it in my mind!

bookmommy
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 12:57 PM

I would like to add that sometimes evolution does play a BIG part in our behaviour. Way back in human history, mothers were "programmed" to care for their own bio children first, because it promulgated her genes survival.

If behaviours aren't selected out, they remain..so we as modern man (women) try to work agaist our programming and care for others kids. Sometimes we are able to do it, other times not so much. Don't beat yourself up. You don't have to love someone else's kids, just treat them fairly and kindly. Make sure your DH lets you have time away where HE takes care of his kids and makes sure they have a bond with him.

Mommy4two
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 1:06 PM
4 moms liked this

Wow, you really are a piece of work... YOU choose to get with their father remember not the other way around... Did you kind of just forget they were around??? Those poor kids already don't have a Mommy and now they have a piece of work evil step witch for a step mother... like it or not you are what they have for a mother shape up or seriously ship out, you're not doing anyone any favors by acting like you have been...

Mommy4two
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 1:13 PM
2 moms liked this

Well this may be true for some of you but it sure as heck wasn't for me... When my now ex-husband and I were married I LOVED his daughers as though they were my own... they existed before our children together did and I treated like they were my own and loved them as if they were my own... I knew they were here before me so if I didn't like that fact then I shouldn't have gotten with a man who had children..

Quoting shimmifairy:

As much as we would like to believe differently, it really is different when it's not your child....

You don't say in the post how long you have been together, but you will probably come to feel more for them as time goes on....Our own children are born and we love them right away....Both because of the many months carrying an inticipating their arrival and the complicated coctail of hormones that birth and nursing release to make that bond....But we also love them even more as they get older and we get to know the little people who grew in our bellies...

With step children, no matter how awesome they are, there isn't that isntant love and bonding....that takes time...Keep doing what you're doing, maybe try to find time to be out of the house by yourself a couple of times a month...As they get older, as you spend more time mothering them, the love and effection will come....


Saint-sweet-t
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 1:20 PM
1 mom liked this

Most of us have been there. Being on cm and hearing all the posts that critisize the sm for stepping up when bm don't will not make you feel any better. The last post I read on here before responding was absolutely hateful to you. I'm sorry some people can't follow the if you don't have something nice to say...I think you can back down from forcing yourself to show emotion. You love them or you wouldn't be looking for help to deal with them- you would have walked away. If you stop forcing yourself it will come in its own time. Trust me. I showed up when SS was 8, he is 18. His mom hated his existence and was too busy prostituting and writing bad checks both to pay for her drug habits. All the while she kept her jail cell warm on a regular basis. That boy is mine (and hers) I am always his sm she will always be his bm but I did the mommying. Someone has to. Your family will all fall into place when you let it. Sometimes we women try to hard, I did. When I let things go their natural course it got way better. GL momma

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