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I am a full time mom to my two skids & ds. DS is at his fathers three out of four weekends a month & with me the rest of the time. Skids BM is not in pic at all. They are young, 5 & 7 (ds is 8). So I know that it is important for me to do the best I can to be a mom for them, but also keeping in mind & respecting that, despite all her flaws & basic abandonment of them, they do have a BM & Iwill always be sm.

I try to be a good mom for them, but there are a lot of days when my patience just isn't there. They aren't terrible kids. They've got the normal age appropriate behaviors, good & bad. But I have such a hard time being nurturing to them. I find it vey difficult to hug &/or kiss them & have to force it, because, despite my lack of natural maternal feelings for them, I want them to feel secure & know I will be there for them, even if their BM couldn't be... But also making sure they know I'm not replacing her.

I just somedays have no patience for them & find myself almost wishing they didn't existing...Im horrible I know. SS, 7yrs, is overly annoying just in general, is just his personality. He's clingy, loud, obnoxious, extremely smart for his age, so always asking questions, nothing a billion other kids aren't doing, but I ind myself loathing him some days & wanting to tell him to shut the hell up... My sd, 5yrs, is getting into her 5yr old bossy, me me me stage right now & I'm finding her to be less tolerable daily... She also has an terribley high pitched voice, which gets under my skin so easy...

I feel terrible. I want so bad to have the maternal feelings i have for ds 8yrs, I find it natural to hug him, easy to comfort him & easier to forgive his faults &/or wrong doings. I struggle with all of that with the skids. I pray it gets easier & those negative feelings. Or being nurturing to them will over time become easier... I feel terrible that I sometimes hate my Skids & for no reason at all it seems, what is wrong with me?!
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 12:02 AM
Replies (31-40):
jreta
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 2:02 PM
2 moms liked this

Wow!! I cant believe that a grown woman just wrote this.  This really is not the site for you.  This is a place for women to come together and share advice to help others that are struggling.  In a mature manner. 

Quoting Mommy4two:

Wow, you really are a piece of work... YOU choose to get with their father remember not the other way around... Did you kind of just forget they were around??? Those poor kids already don't have a Mommy and now they have a piece of work evil step witch for a step mother... like it or not you are what they have for a mother shape up or seriously ship out, you're not doing anyone any favors by acting like you have been...


jaydensmomma707
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 2:26 PM

its called biology. So many women can say its wrong but its true. You are biologically inclined to your children. I still find my patience running low with biological kids. It happens! People can try and act like its not true but biologically your going to be more inclined to your own child. Thats why there are all those hormones released during pregnancy, birth, and nursing. Don't worry with time though you will develop a bond with your SK.

Redeemed7
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 2:27 PM

Hmmm. First off I think people need to stop with the bashing. She came on here and put her true feelings on the table in hopes of not being judged. 

I can relate to you in about 99% of what you wrote except the part about wishing they didn't exist and I'm sure you didn't mean in life but just probably wishing they didn't exist in YOUR life. 

I've been a stepmom twice. 1x to a little girl from age 2-9 and I loved her but she lived with her mom and it was easier to have her come and go. It was easier to deal with her brattiness or spoiledness because I knew eventually she had to go back home. 

Now I'm a SM to a n 8 yr old boy who lives with us full time. His mom is not in the picture they talk on the phone 1x a week perhaps and he sees her 1-2x a year even though she lives 2 hours away. I love him and care for him and I do things that mothers do for him but I find it really hard to be nurturing to him. I know it's because I didn't birth him. I'm currently due in 2 weeks with my first baby and I was concerned about SS8 being jealous or not feeling loved. I know that I will have more nurturing feelings towards my new baby but I know DH and I will treat both the same equally. I think as time goes on and you go through things they really grow on you and your love deepens but you also have to work at it. You can't expect it to happen over night of for it to just happen without you putting any work into it. I agree with someone who posted that you should spend 1 on 1 time with each one building your bond. Good idea. Wish you all the best. 


firespurity
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 2:33 PM
1 mom liked this

If their BM if out of the picture stop worrying about them feeling as though you replaced her. Some people grow up to be greatful to have a step parent that replaced their birth parent. Just immerse yourself and stop fearing her. The deserve a mother like you who even while hating them internally still shows them love and compassion. You are their mom now, since she has disappeared. 

Some of the anger you feel towards them may actually be at their BM who has abandoned them. I know with my neice i was raising her for a time and when she would do something I would become really angry when the hard parts of parenting came around and I realized I was angry at her parents for not being there. Not saying that is the case here, but maybe part of your pent up anger actually ment for BM.

sedromom
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 2:54 PM

I will admit I have not read all the posts. There is NOTHING wrong with you.   I hope no one is bashing you (because they are ignorant or have a good situation and love their  stepkids to death or had a hateful stepmom etc etc whatever )  I have the same issue.  We have custody of my SDD.  We have had custody of her since she was 6, she's 9 now,  almost 10.  Her biomom is a drunk.  When my husband was visiting the child would come to our house for the weekend with no extra clothes and the clothes she had on were dirty and as often as not she'd have her brother's pants and twice even his underwear on. If we were EVER silly enough to send anything home (toys, clothes or nice shoes) it either got sold or given away or trashed.  The biomom made my husbands and my life impossible.  The child had a black eye once.  She said mom's bf hit her.  We called police.  (Note: I work with CPS and my husband is a police officer in another city). Mom said she fell off her bicycle and they made a safety plan and mom had to do services.  She moved all the time, leaving apartments and houses without paying the last three months rent.  Finally once SDD came ot our house with hookWORMS in her anus (we noticed she was scratching a lot and there was blood in her panty and we took her to the ER) and had allergic rashes all over her body and threw up all her food because she wasn't used to eating a meal we got custody.  This is after a LOT of CPS calls, court hearings, Guardian Ad LItem involvement.  We paid a LOT of money in attorneys fees to represent us in Family Court and my husband would worry about his daughter every minute she was not wtih us (once her mom was arrested for DUI with the child unrestrained in the car) .  When we got custody she started to call CPS on us for everything, sex abuse, malnutrition, that she heard us slap and choke the child.  It was insane and it put a lot of stress on us.  One day my husband took SDD to visit her mom and the mom had MOVED AWAY!  I don't know if she has warrants or what but she moved without telling us where she went and has never contacted us.  She knows both of our numbers (We never change them in case she wants to see her daughter) and where we live.  Nothing.  We have not heard a peep in over two years. 

All the stress from the repeated calling CPS and police on both sides.  The financial burden and the emotional toll I saw it take on my husband prevents me from loving the SDD the same way I love my own kids. We had to be very careful with her at the beginning.  She did not want to live with us.  She hated me.  She would tell lies at school to try to get put back with her mom not understanding that her mom had LEFT.  She hated her father and would tell people that he was not her father.  We could not let her into our bedroom and I had to give her a bath and help her in the bathroom if she had an accident and treat her for worms etc etc.  All of that has compounded into many arguments and many reasons that I love SDD but not the same way. MANY TIMES I have wished that she were not in our lives.  I have had MANY arguments with my husband over having the poor judgement to have had a relatinship with a drunk (he was 19).  I love her like you love a neice.  I sometimes wish it was just my husband and our DD's.  However I deal and I know it's not and I do my best and you will do yours. I still don't hug and cuddle like I do my own.  I have less patience.  Her father still does discipline for her exclusively.  However she calls me mom and is very nice and helpful and has understood that we love her and want the best for her but it's not like MY OWN.   Read "Stepmonster" , get it from the library or buy it  used.  It's very insightful and has lots of good advice. 

My best wishes to you. Do your best, pray for the Lord to put the love in your heart that the kids deserve and in the meantime pray for patience and understanding.  Email me or send me a message if you ever need a kind word or support.   You know though,  we argue sometimes but I still think the WORLD of my dear husband, the best husband and father in the world who would never give up on his child and always worried about her and fought and fought to make sure she was safe.  So many lazy-ass husbands and father's around I read it and give thanks to God for my dear husband.  PM me if you want to talk. 

KRISTAL_WILDER
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 3:07 PM

Aww :(

Quoting MomTiara19:

Man.....I just balled my eyes out:(

I am an adult step child and your post just proved what I always knew inside.My step dad never loved me....just my bio mom.

I did everything in my life to win that man over....and he could never love me.I guess the clingyness is a reaction to being pushed away.You fear abandonment and that no one will ever love you.

You have a right to your emotions.Whatever you do let their dad love them....for they arent treated fairly....life handed these kids a bum deal.

~Tia


FindersKeepers
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 3:15 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree... I love my step-kids as my own.... but probably bc I was abandoned.   To me FAMILY is defined more by love ties than blood ties.

Quoting gypsy_rose:

Not everyone feels this way. I love my pain in the butt stepkids as much as I love my pain in the butt kids. LOL. They all drive me equaly insane....maybe it's because I am adopted though....I never saw blood as family but the people who love and help you.

Quoting MomTiara19:

Man.....I just balled my eyes out:(

I am an adult step child and your post just proved what I always knew inside.My step dad never loved me....just my bio mom.

I did everything in my life to win that man over....and he could never love me.I guess the clingyness is a reaction to being pushed away.You fear abandonment and that no one will ever love you.

You have a right to your emotions.Whatever you do let their dad love them....for they arent treated fairly....life handed these kids a bum deal.

~Tia

 


raerae725
by Silver Member on Aug. 24, 2012 at 3:16 PM
1 mom liked this
Talk about a piece of work........ Where did you get the opinion she mis treats the kids just because she doesn't feel the same bond she feels with her bio kids?

Quoting Mommy4two:

Wow, you really are a piece of work... YOU choose to get with their father remember not the other way around... Did you kind of just forget they were around??? Those poor kids already don't have a Mommy and now they have a piece of work evil step witch for a step mother... like it or not you are what they have for a mother shape up or seriously ship out, you're not doing anyone any favors by acting like you have been...

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sedromom
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 3:26 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree.  This is seriously inappropriate.  The OP is a thoughtful person who wants insight and you bash her.  That's wrong.  She's providing for the kids needs and puts on a brave front for them but YOU CANNOT MANUFACTURE LOVE WHEN IT"S CONVENEINT.  She needs to give it time and get lots of support form Dad.  It would NOT be tetter to leave those kids without even a stepmom and her own kids in a single parent home if they have a loving family.  Stop being stupid and hateful. 

Quoting jreta:

Wow!! I cant believe that a grown woman just wrote this.  This really is not the site for you.  This is a place for women to come together and share advice to help others that are struggling.  In a mature manner. 

Quoting Mommy4two:

Wow, you really are a piece of work... YOU choose to get with their father remember not the other way around... Did you kind of just forget they were around??? Those poor kids already don't have a Mommy and now they have a piece of work evil step witch for a step mother... like it or not you are what they have for a mother shape up or seriously ship out, you're not doing anyone any favors by acting like you have been...

 

 

macbudsmom
by Silver Member on Aug. 24, 2012 at 3:30 PM
Wow very sad... The kids will pick up on this... Go to therapy to work through your issues or do the right thing and get out now! Better they dont have a mom figure than to have one who who wishes they didnt exist!
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