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I am a full time mom to my two skids & ds. DS is at his fathers three out of four weekends a month & with me the rest of the time. Skids BM is not in pic at all. They are young, 5 & 7 (ds is 8). So I know that it is important for me to do the best I can to be a mom for them, but also keeping in mind & respecting that, despite all her flaws & basic abandonment of them, they do have a BM & Iwill always be sm.

I try to be a good mom for them, but there are a lot of days when my patience just isn't there. They aren't terrible kids. They've got the normal age appropriate behaviors, good & bad. But I have such a hard time being nurturing to them. I find it vey difficult to hug &/or kiss them & have to force it, because, despite my lack of natural maternal feelings for them, I want them to feel secure & know I will be there for them, even if their BM couldn't be... But also making sure they know I'm not replacing her.

I just somedays have no patience for them & find myself almost wishing they didn't existing...Im horrible I know. SS, 7yrs, is overly annoying just in general, is just his personality. He's clingy, loud, obnoxious, extremely smart for his age, so always asking questions, nothing a billion other kids aren't doing, but I ind myself loathing him some days & wanting to tell him to shut the hell up... My sd, 5yrs, is getting into her 5yr old bossy, me me me stage right now & I'm finding her to be less tolerable daily... She also has an terribley high pitched voice, which gets under my skin so easy...

I feel terrible. I want so bad to have the maternal feelings i have for ds 8yrs, I find it natural to hug him, easy to comfort him & easier to forgive his faults &/or wrong doings. I struggle with all of that with the skids. I pray it gets easier & those negative feelings. Or being nurturing to them will over time become easier... I feel terrible that I sometimes hate my Skids & for no reason at all it seems, what is wrong with me?!
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 12:02 AM
Replies (41-50):
macbudsmom
by Silver Member on Aug. 24, 2012 at 3:32 PM
2 moms liked this
Hello she wishes they didnt exist... Kids will pick up on that...


Quoting raerae725:

Talk about a piece of work........ Where did you get the opinion she mis treats the kids just because she doesn't feel the same bond she feels with her bio kids?



Quoting Mommy4two:

Wow, you really are a piece of work... YOU choose to get with their father remember not the other way around... Did you kind of just forget they were around??? Those poor kids already don't have a Mommy and now they have a piece of work evil step witch for a step mother... like it or not you are what they have for a mother shape up or seriously ship out, you're not doing anyone any favors by acting like you have been...


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MamaKarrot
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 5:11 PM
2 moms liked this

This is a different situation but my DS has Asperger's disorder and I just don't "get" him most of the time.  I always say God played a joke on both of us by giving me (very abstract and emotional) a logical-minded child.  But I know deep down it was for the best that we have each other because we teach each other a side that the other doesn't have.

Anyway - I know that when I'm feeling extremely impatient with him we put aside the responsibilities and go see a movie together alone or something.  We need that time together to bond and stay close because we have to work a lot harder to get along.  Maybe you should do that with your stepkids?  One on one time always does wonders.  It also helps my stress levels to stop and have fun with just one kid at a time.  I get to hear how he feels about school, parents, sister, etc without any distractions.  It also gives me a chance to mention to DS when is a good time to ask me questions and when isn't, what I would like him to work on at home, etc etc.  It's good for both of us. 

raerae725
by Silver Member on Aug. 24, 2012 at 5:22 PM
Her wording didn't make me think she really wishes that. To me it sounds like she is looking for help bonding. That doesn't happen over night. So let's call her names and vilify her. That is helpful.

Quoting macbudsmom:

Hello she wishes they didnt exist... Kids will pick up on that...




Quoting raerae725:

Talk about a piece of work........ Where did you get the opinion she mis treats the kids just because she doesn't feel the same bond she feels with her bio kids?





Quoting Mommy4two:

Wow, you really are a piece of work... YOU choose to get with their father remember not the other way around... Did you kind of just forget they were around??? Those poor kids already don't have a Mommy and now they have a piece of work evil step witch for a step mother... like it or not you are what they have for a mother shape up or seriously ship out, you're not doing anyone any favors by acting like you have been...


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shimmifairy
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 5:26 PM

Ok....Not sure where I got hostility from....

But 1st - This lady was asking for help and understanding...this might not be the way it happened for you  - that's great, yay you - but this post wasn't about you, it was about her and her feelings...

2nd - Though I'm not a step mom, my best friend is and has had this issue come up...She's a good and loving person and does love her step children, but it took time and getting to know them....I don't think you're being fair to her and I think your taking someone elses problem too personally...

Quoting Mommy4two:

Well this may be true for some of you but it sure as heck wasn't for me... When my now ex-husband and I were married I LOVED his daughers as though they were my own... they existed before our children together did and I treated like they were my own and loved them as if they were my own... I knew they were here before me so if I didn't like that fact then I shouldn't have gotten with a man who had children..

Quoting shimmifairy:

As much as we would like to believe differently, it really is different when it's not your child....

You don't say in the post how long you have been together, but you will probably come to feel more for them as time goes on....Our own children are born and we love them right away....Both because of the many months carrying an inticipating their arrival and the complicated coctail of hormones that birth and nursing release to make that bond....But we also love them even more as they get older and we get to know the little people who grew in our bellies...

With step children, no matter how awesome they are, there isn't that isntant love and bonding....that takes time...Keep doing what you're doing, maybe try to find time to be out of the house by yourself a couple of times a month...As they get older, as you spend more time mothering them, the love and effection will come....



sucker4myloves
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 5:50 PM
3 moms liked this

Lady, if their mother left, you DO get to replace her. She will NOT be their mom anymore, and if you don't want to "replace and be mommy" don't pretend it's because of proprieties--it's not. She's not coming back. It's because you don't want to. Having been a child like your step children, I weep for them. Either step up as mom or seek out help. Cause their mom is never coming back, and you are all they have....at least try to be what they need.

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jlg12678
by Gold Member on Aug. 24, 2012 at 5:57 PM

1. It is NORMAL not to feel the same way to your skids as you do your own.  It is also NORMAL to have more tolerance towards your own child than others. It's basic biology and it's the reason most mothers don't consume their young. :)  We have a higher pain tolerance for our own than others.

2. Give yourself a break. It sounds like you are being very critical of yourself for having what are very normal feelings. I think it's huge that you recognize that you feel the way you do and it sounds like you are likely aware that you need to be careful with things.

3. Give it time. And big hugs. And ignore the crappy, overdramatic replies from those who are saying you are terrible for feeling the way you do. You are not terrible or a horrible person. You do not have to be mom 2.0 simply because their mom isn't involved. You can be a good sm without having all the same feelings you do for your kids.

 

bcauseimthemom
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 6:12 PM

You are perfectly normal.  Nothing wrong with these feelings. I would worry if you ignored them.

PS.  It happens to everyone, there are days my own kids make me want to scratch my own eyes out .....

rissamom224
by Member on Aug. 24, 2012 at 6:12 PM

 I feel better I am not alone, you just expressed my feeling to a T I'm glad. I am not alone.

barefootmommi
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 6:30 PM
I imagine that could be difficult iv never been a step mom do I don't have any advice just wanted to give u a * hug* n a bump for support
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Cemommster
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 6:32 PM

If the bio mom is not in the picture, who cares if your replacing her or not.

 

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