http://www.cafemom.com/group/114270/forums/read/17187253/Some_ladies_in_here_need_to_let_this_sink_in
And you are the only one who can let her affect you....
I have found it helpful to never have contact with BM. Let DH handle it. You are allowing her to influence your life. Take responsibility for that choice and change it.
Thanks all I know I am responsible for letting this get to me. I worry so much about how my SD will turn out. Her dad and I married when she was 10 and she is now 12 going on 25. She is on her 4th or 5th boyfriend, doing the emo thing...morbid stuff, lying and very secretive. BM tells her so much bull crap about us when we are the normal people. Her mom is an alcoholic pill head that uses men as a means to an end. She has borderline personality disorder and parental alienation symdrome to keep it short. We have been taking legal action but she never seems to get in trouble for anything. I make a significant amount more than my husband and she knows that so the one thing she can't say is that I am a gold-digger. I think one of my worst fears is that the older my SD gets the worse she may become which will end up back on us. Her path at 12 yrs old is very alarming and BM just encourages it and tells her to lie about it....inappropriate clothing, full make-up, cursing and really acting up in public for fun. She misses school alot and her grades dropped. Her whole life revolves around her botfriend that her BD said she was not allowed to have. She is constantly texting him while she is at our house and refuses to let him see her phone. Oh the stories are way too long list. BM is constantly bashing to BD and me for anything she can imagine and boy does she imagine. She always says I am the one texting or emailing her and that I am always screaming in the background when she is on the phone with my husband...lies. She just can't imagine my husband is actually really standing up to her after so many years of abuse and dirty treatment. They were never married, she got knocked 2 months after they started dating. BD tried to marry her but she refused as she had been married atleast 3 times already. 2 other kids by 2 fathers. He did the best could for about 2 years and then one day she told him she had taken his checkbook and bought a house in her hometown over an hour away...without him knowing one thing about this house. BM used up all of his savings....he could not move there because his business was out of his home....oh the list goes on and on. He tried to drive back and forth and make it work but she was sleeping with neighbor and lawn guy. Anyways, what is really getting to me most are all of the false allegations she makes about me all of the time and I know she is filling my SD with lies. I have never been treated this way on a consistent basis and have it in my face all of the time. I try not to know what she is saying but sometimes it is necessary because we were hiring a lawyer for the second time this year. I really want to know how I can sue her for slander?
Most of what you wrote has nothing to do with you. Only the lies that she tells about you has to do with you, the rest is between her and DH.
No you probably can't sue her for slander. I would just ignore her completely. Tell your DH you don't want to hear anything she says about you. Then just go about your business, and let your DH do all the childcare for his DD when she is visiting him. Let him be the parent, you just be friendly toward SD and see if you can maintain a friendly rapport with her. If you can't, then just minimize your exposure to her.
How often does she come over?
That is good advice and what I need to do...sad because I really wanted to be a part of my SD life and have fun good times with her but everytime I turn around there is some drama and lately she has pulled away a lot because she knows that her father and I don't approve of the things she is doing. I know I have to let go and realize that how she turns out is not my reponsibliity per se but I still feel responsible. I know I can just be a good role model and hope that one day she remembers it and emunlates some of it. I feel bad for my DH because he is pretty clueless as a parent sometimes. I have been encouraging him to become more educated on parenting so that he will know how to handle this because coming from me is bad. I have a 23 BD myself and had to do a lot of self educating to make sure I was doing my best for her. I know I can't make him do anything either and just need to make sure I have good boundaries in place. When I do step back he feels like I don't care and am pulling away etc. I know it is all of the growing pains to make livable. I love my DH very much and I don't want this to tear us apart. BM would love nothing more than that...it seems like her mission in life right now. She doesn't want him she just wants all control of him for whatever she needs. My SD come every other weekend and then every two weeks for two weeks in the summer.
Have absolutely nothing to do with her. You are not required to have contact with her, DH is. I would remove myself from every interaction and not give her the time of day.
Quoting seasong911:That is good advice and what I need to do...sad because I really wanted to be a part of my SD life and have fun good times with her but everytime I turn around there is some drama and lately she has pulled away a lot because she knows that her father and I don't approve of the things she is doing. I know I have to let go and realize that how she turns out is not my reponsibliity per se but I still feel responsible. I know I can just be a good role model and hope that one day she remembers it and emunlates some of it. I feel bad for my DH because he is pretty clueless as a parent sometimes. I have been encouraging him to become more educated on parenting so that he will know how to handle this because coming from me is bad. I have a 23 BD myself and had to do a lot of self educating to make sure I was doing my best for her. I know I can't make him do anything either and just need to make sure I have good boundaries in place. When I do step back he feels like I don't care and am pulling away etc. I know it is all of the growing pains to make livable. I love my DH very much and I don't want this to tear us apart. BM would love nothing more than that...it seems like her mission in life right now. She doesn't want him she just wants all control of him for whatever she needs. My SD come every other weekend and then every two weeks for two weeks in the summer.
There is no education good enough when it comes to a preteen girl. We're all playing it by ear as a parent and if he needs you to shove him in the "Right" direction he has already failed a bit. Men need to learn to parent without being told how to do it by their spouse before their kids get to be 12 years old.
Thanks everyone. I agree I have to remove myself but what happens when she tells DH lies about me such as I am mean to my SD etc.? She just called me on my cell phone called me an idiot and then hung-up. This is second time she has done this since we have been married which is not too bad because she prefers bashing me to my husband almost in every conversation...she won't even discuss serious problems going on with her own daughter with him. It somehow comes back to me and she has some fantasy that they got along before I came into the picture which is comletely delusional. My husband was falsely accused of things and had numerous police reports because she hid her and on and on, all well before me. Can BM get on here and read this? Will this get me in trouble because the Lord knows I do not need it but I do need support because this is really taxing me.
SS ten years old w anxiety?
Appropriate or not? Emotional BM
- seasong911
on Aug. 28, 2012 at 12:02 AM