I am a mother of 3 amazing kids. My step son is 7 and I am in the process of adopting him. My step daughter is almost 4 and she lives with her mother (dif mom than SS). My biological daugher is 11 months.
Before his BM left the picture she had a very unstable life. She was married (they had 2 children together). They moved a lot. Sometimes couch hopping and they sometimes refused to let us come in and see where my SS would be sleeping. We would never let him stay the weekend with her if she would not let us at least see the inside of the place she was staying. We figured that if she wouldn't let us see inside then we had no way of knowing if it was safe for him and we were not going to put him in danger. My SS would always act out (sometimes in a sexualy inapropriate manner- exposing him self, talking about his boy parts, etc.) when he was at her home. He never did this when he was at home with us. BM and SF began to have marital issues and she told me one day that she had packed up their two children and had to run in the middle of the night because she was afraid of him (she claimed that he was physicaly and emotionaly abusive toward her infront of their children) and she believed that he may have been inapropriate with the children. It was at this point that we asked BM to agree to supervised visitations with a professional supervisor. She never set up the meetings with him. We have no idea where she is living or what her phone number is. I am able to view her facebook and that is how we found her (at work bartending) to have her served with the parental termination/ adoption paperwork).
After BM and SF seperated, he gained custody of the children (they are not legaly divorced so I can only assume that she agreed to have them live with him). They have been seperated for a couple of years now. She still sees her other children EOW.
Our case worker, our attorney, my SS's court appointed attorney have all tried to get into contact with her, even going as far as sending her a message on Facebook to tell them that they want to talk to her (and pretty much give her a chance to fight for her right to be a part of SS's life) and she has not responded to any of their attempts. It has been 2 years since my SS has seen his BM. He still loves his BM and he misses her and wants her to be a part of his life but it has become clear that she is no longer interested in putting forth an effort to do that. (the fact that I am adopting him is not up for debate so please keep your negative comments about that to yourself.)
I can not help but be angry with her. I have not spoken to her since she agreed to the supervised visitations more than two years ago. I think about her every day and occationaly check up on her via facebook just to see what she is doing (usualy I find that she is partying, complaining about not being able to party because she has her kids that weekend, or posting innapropriate "funny" photos). I want to yell at her a smack some sense into her and tell her what she is doing to my son. I want her to understand just how bad she is hurting him. No matter how good of a mother I am to him, I will never be his BM and he will never be able to forget about her. He has emotional and attachment issues that will linger with him for years if not for the rest of his life. I have to hold back tears every day, every time I think about this and with the adoption coming up I think about it a lot. My husband tells me that I am wasting my energy on someone who doesn't desirve it. I know he is right but I can't seem to help myself.
Are my feelings normal? Should I just be happy that I have been given the opportunity to be a mother to my children and that I no longer have to deal with BM's rediculous life. Has anyone else ever been through this? I feel like maybe if I talk about it with people who are outside the situation I might feel better and be able to stop focusing on the hate that I have for BM.