I met my dh six years ago. I was just graduating from college and had no children and was 22 years old and my dh was 23. I instantly fell for my dh and knew from the beginning he had 2 children a daughter 3 and a son 5. He had joint custody of the kids and I did not deal with his x ever. His children were very sweet and we got along well. After a year of dating my car was shoe polished with the word slut bitch written in the windows. We found out later it was my dh's x. Did I run? No! Should I have maybe. Doesnt matter because a year later we were married. Soon after we got married his x came to us when she had the children saying she couldn't do it anymore and wanted us to have primary custody. We got the paperwork drawn up and she signed. She gets visitation every Tuesday for 2 hours and every other weekend. Fast forward another year we had our dd. This is where our trouble began. My sd was now 6 and my ss was 8. My sd was very jealous of her little sister. Started doing malicious things like knock her bottle away or take her toys. My dh delt with it best he could. The behavior continued. When my daughter was 1 she was trying to follow my sd then 7 outside and my sd slammed the sliding door on her fingers. I was furious! I saw her intentionally slam the door on my baby's fingers! so I grabbed my sd by the arm and pulled her back into the house. I told her that that was unacceptable and I wa sick of her doing things like that. She stomped into her room. She went to her her mothers house the next day and told her mother I slapped her for accidentally hurting my dd. her bm called me and screamed she was calling CPS and I better not ever touch her daughter and she didn't believe her daughter would slam the door on my babies hand. I saw it I know she did. It's not an uncommon behavior. Now after all this happened things have gotten progressively worse. I refuse to discipline my skids and only send them to their room to wait for my dh to get home and he can discipline. There is still lying to the bm and the bm overreacting and believing everything my sd tells her. I no longer communicate with bm and let my dh do all of that. But she still tells my skids that they do not need to listen to me or to tell her if I do anything to them. First of all I haven't and wouldnt. Secondly it's hard to not be able to dicipline when I a sahm and keep the kids most of the time by myself. I'm so frustrated and love my dh. I just hate this situation! I'm stuck. I want my family to stay together but it seems to be falling apart due to a lot of resentment.
The preceding was just an example of things that happen all the time there is a lot of lying and manipulation done by my sd. I just don't know where it comes from.
your dh needs to step up and do his job! he needs to parent and they need to learn that if he isnt home they need to go by the house rules and listen to you. just like if your bio child misbehaved for a sitter. they need consequence for the actions. dh needs to remind them bm doesnt live in your home, her rules do not apply. if they refuse to follow the house rules they need to be given consequences for not following .if they misbehave for you send them to their room till dh comes home and he deals with it. eventually he will put his foot down and make his kids fall in line. if he doesnt then you have quiet because they are in their rooms waiting for him.
A lot of SM's get upset that a parent believes their child over dads wife/gf/fiancee. I rarely understand why, though. Mom knows her kid and most parents know if they're raising a liar or when their kids are embellishing and she doesn't always know SM. The fact that SM is an adult means, to some SMs's (and dads) that mom should believe SM and not the kid.
But I'm a bit jaded in this area. My kids SM used to say I overreacted, that my kids were lying and liars, and that they made things up. Dad, however, usually defended her actions which backed up our kids stories.
Most kids don't go around making up lies about adults to their parents and maybe it is the kids perspective, but that doesn't necessarily make it a lie.
The list goes on and on.
In your situation, do u Have custody? We have custody of the kids in this situation and it is up to me to take care of the kids. She didnt have a problem with me when she signed full custody over to their father and I.
Quoting packermomof2:A lot of SM's get upset that a parent believes their child over dads wife/gf/fiancee. I rarely understand why, though. Mom knows her kid and most parents know if they're raising a liar or when their kids are embellishing and she doesn't always know SM. The fact that SM is an adult means, to some SMs's (and dads) that mom should believe SM and not the kid.
But I'm a bit jaded in this area. My kids SM used to say I overreacted, that my kids were lying and liars, and that they made things up. Dad, however, usually defended her actions which backed up our kids stories.
Most kids don't go around making up lies about adults to their parents and maybe it is the kids perspective, but that doesn't necessarily make it a lie.
It's situations like this that I don't ever fully understand. On the one hand you say you and BF are the custodial parents and BM has very little time with SD. On the other hand you say you, the SAHM, who has the most contact with with SD, refuse to DO any of the actual parenting because someone wrote a book suggesting that only the BP should be involved in the raising of children in a blended family. Everyone in your situation decided you'd be one of the primary parents in this child's life and now by your own words you've abdicated that responsiblity.
What you described your SD doing to her younger sister is pretty consistant with typical new sibling jealousy. That needed to be addressed by YOU and DH and more than once with more than telling her that was unacceptable. It seems from what you've said here that SD can tell she's second to her siblings and she started lying and manipulating to get the attention she wanted/needed- negative attention is better than no attention. If you want things to change then YOU need to make some changes in the way your relationship is with your SD. Also, BF needs to have a conversation with BM about what the problem is. You and he can't really control what BM does when SD lies to her about what goes on but you and BF can come to the same page about what happenes when SD does this and what the consequences are going to be. SD needs to know that those consequences are a direct result of her lying to SM.
Quoting Raspberry393:It's situations like this that I don't ever fully understand. On the one hand you say you and BF are the custodial parents and BM has very little time with SD. On the other hand you say you, the SAHM, who has the most contact with with SD, refuse to DO any of the actual parenting because someone wrote a book suggesting that only the BP should be involved in the raising of children in a blended family. Everyone in your situation decided you'd be one of the primary parents in this child's life and now by your own words you've abdicated that responsiblity.
What you described your SD doing to her younger sister is pretty consistant with typical new sibling jealousy. That needed to be addressed by YOU and DH and more than once with more than telling her that was unacceptable. It seems from what you've said here that SD can tell she's second to her siblings and she started lying and manipulating to get the attention she wanted/needed- negative attention is better than no attention. If you want things to change then YOU need to make some changes in the way your relationship is with your SD. Also, BF needs to have a conversation with BM about what the problem is. You and he can't really control what BM does when SD lies to her about what goes on but you and BF can come to the same page about what happenes when SD does this and what the consequences are going to be. SD needs to know that those consequences are a direct result of her lying to SM.
you said it yourself he does talk to her but nothing changes then he isnt doing enough! he needs to make the consquence harsher so she does remember the next time she plans on hurting the baby, or lying she will remember in her mind last time daddy was really mad and didnt let me have tv,computer,toys games for a week, it may take a few times of hars punishment but she will remember.
Quoting Alb1983:
You are right to a point but I do parent. I help her with homework after school and give her advise and try to calmly correct her if she is acting out of fighting with her siblings. To say I don't parent is far from the truth. When it comes to actual dicipline. No. I send her to her room to wait for her father to come home and deal with her. The talking back and eye rolling and refusal to listen to me can only go so far. Then she goes to her room to wait for her dad. He does deal with her but nothing changes. He also has talked to bm but she only hears what she wants to.
Quoting Raspberry393:It's situations like this that I don't ever fully understand. On the one hand you say you and BF are the custodial parents and BM has very little time with SD. On the other hand you say you, the SAHM, who has the most contact with with SD, refuse to DO any of the actual parenting because someone wrote a book suggesting that only the BP should be involved in the raising of children in a blended family. Everyone in your situation decided you'd be one of the primary parents in this child's life and now by your own words you've abdicated that responsiblity.
What you described your SD doing to her younger sister is pretty consistant with typical new sibling jealousy. That needed to be addressed by YOU and DH and more than once with more than telling her that was unacceptable. It seems from what you've said here that SD can tell she's second to her siblings and she started lying and manipulating to get the attention she wanted/needed- negative attention is better than no attention. If you want things to change then YOU need to make some changes in the way your relationship is with your SD. Also, BF needs to have a conversation with BM about what the problem is. You and he can't really control what BM does when SD lies to her about what goes on but you and BF can come to the same page about what happenes when SD does this and what the consequences are going to be. SD needs to know that those consequences are a direct result of her lying to SM.
Once when my ds was about 3, my dd who was 6, slammed his finger in the door, more than once, because in her 6 year old little head, she was trying to close the door so the dog wouldn't get out and she didn't know his finger was in the door. He had to go to the hospital and have most of the tip of his finger sewn back on.
I don't know if sending your sd to her room until dad gets home is a good idea. If you are comfortable disiplining her, then you should. I'm not saying to spank her, but some other form of punishment.
Maybe there is some way you can get her more involved with your dd, to help with her, so she will not feel jealous.
Are you sure the door slam was intentional. That happens all the time, you are trying to close the door quick and something gets caught in it. This time it happened to be your dd's fingers. Why not give sd the benefit of the doubt that she was trying to be responsible and not let the little one out fo the house?
Like I said before if it would have been the first or last time she did things like that I would have believed it was an accident. But she was looking right at her and slammed the door.
Quoting macbudsmom:Are you sure the door slam was intentional. That happens all the time, you are trying to close the door quick and something gets caught in it. This time it happened to be your dd's fingers. Why not give sd the benefit of the doubt that she was trying to be responsible and not let the little one out fo the house?
Chores- how much is too much.
- Alb1983
on Aug. 30, 2012 at 12:31 PM