DH and I have 3 children. My son attended our local university for 4 years while living at home and receiving our state's tuition scholarships. He then completed another 4 years of a doctoral program using student loans totaling $145,000. My SS who also lives in our town chose to move 35 miles away to attend a private 4 year college to major in general business. He could easily done this at our local university while living at home. (all he has done with his degree is work for his SF in an auto parts store). Three years later SD did the same thing. After attending the pricey private college for 2 years and one semester she decided she didn't like her college major and dropped out and moved back home. Now a year later she has started taking general courses at a technical college so hopefully she will be accepted into a program there NEXT year. Before SD went back to college that last semester she asked DH for help with college expenses. We talked to her about getting college loans like my son had done and she said she and her mother weren't interested in loans. She said since her mother and SF had done everything for her brother that they thought DH should now help her with her expenses. I suggested she look into the Pell Grant. So that's where we left it basically. She went back to school and my DH didn't give her any money. Then she left school at the end of the semester when did changed her mind about being a teacher (can't blame her). DH and I could not afford to help her with a private college education and #2 DH felt that since he didn't help his DS (he paid CS until his DS was 21) it wouldn't be right to do for one what he didn't do for the other, and #3 we also hadn't been able to help my son with his expenses and he was forced to incur $145,000 in debt. Now months later the SD is writng on FB about how she has been "angry, sad, and afraid" over the last few months, but has realized what great parents she has...her BM and SF (inserting their names). Is she trying to, without actually saying anything to us, make a point that she is mad at us about all this or is she just being a 20 year old and these FB posts have nothing to do with us? Am I being too sensitive? She is very nice when I talk to her or see her, but she does not call us nor does she come for visits (I talk over text, FB and email mostly and with her dad via text and phone once in awhile). I stay out of everything. with DH and his kids I just want help her own peace of miind.
Was there any discussion ahead of time or agreements about college?
Some young people post some odd stuff on facebook. Sometimes it is meant to send a message to an estranged parent, sometimes it has nothing to do with a parent. Was it odd that she spoke of her mom and stepdad as her parents?
she is an adult, she can pay her own way . she has already dropped out once. college doesn't need to be paid for by the parents. it is a gift or loan if they do. i paid my own way. dh paid his own way. i do have money for my dd for it but that is my money for her, not dhs money. she will know if she drops out at any point all money is pulled from her and she will need to pay back what was waisted. if ss goes to college dh will help to a point. but again if he drops out all help stops.
No, there were never any discussions about college, but DH always assumed that SS and SD would attend locally as he did. We have a really good state university in our city. Also, DH paid more than enough so that BM could have easily saved enough for both kids' college educations through the 17 years she received generous CS (she never worked one day during their marriage or after; she lived off CS and off her new DH). When the younger child turned 18, CS ended and DH stopped paying their medical and dropped them from his health insurance so BM should have known not to ask for college money. He was done. We don't hear much from either child; we are estranged from SS, but DH and his son call each other on birthday and Father's Day and are friendly at Christmas and Thanksgiving. I have no relationship with SS. I thought it was odd SD referred to only BM and SF as her parents. My DH hasn't seen the FB post and I haven't told him about it; don't want to hurt his feelings even thought it makes me angry at SD.
Quoting pdxmum:
Well, who are her parents? She might be talking way more than college. It doesn't sound like DHs sees her at all anymore.
Was there any discussion ahead of time or agreements about college?
Some young people post some odd stuff on facebook. Sometimes it is meant to send a message to an estranged parent, sometimes it has nothing to do with a parent. Was it odd that she spoke of her mom and stepdad as her parents?
Only way to know is to ask her directly...... If it was in reference to you and her BF, only thing you can do is acknowledge how she is feeling. Feelings aren't facts but acknowledging another person's feelings doesn't negate your own reasons for the decisions you and your husband have made.
She wrote a post thanking her BM and SF for giving her money? why do you think that has anything to do with you? They did give her money, and she is thanking them. It's nice to see a 20yo show gratitude to her parents.
No, read my OP again. My SD did not write a FB post thanking her BM and SF for giving her money. She wrote about her feelings of anger, sadness, and fear. My concern was that some of these feelings might be towards my DH because he didn't give her money for school. I wanted input on that topic
She wrote a post thanking her BM and SF for giving her money? why do you think that has anything to do with you? They did give her money, and she is thanking them. It's nice to see a 20yo show gratitude to her parents.
Quoting Seychelles1409:
No, read my OP again. My SD did not write a FB post thanking her BM and SF for giving her money. She wrote about her feelings of anger, sadness, and fear. My concern was that some of these feelings might be towards my DH because he didn't give her money for school. I wanted input on that topicShe wrote a post thanking her BM and SF for giving her money? why do you think that has anything to do with you? They did give her money, and she is thanking them. It's nice to see a 20yo show gratitude to her parents.
well, if your DH is feeling guilty that his refusal to help her caused her "anger, sadness and fear," maybe going forward he can help her out more.
Under normal circumstances I would agree with you 100%, but in our family it's tricky. My DH won't talk about his feelings and SD doesn't talk to him about hers either; in a nutshell; they don't communicate with each other about anything real and personal. Therefore, I feared her FB post was her way of sending us a message and I am concerned. I am left wondering if I should try to talk with her because I hate to think SD is hurting. I know DH won't/can't handle an emotional conversation (we've been through months of therapy and no improvement/the therapist says it's will take a very long time to get him to open up....deep rooted problems with communicating emotions). I guess I can stay out of it...she isn't my child after all.
Quoting LyndaLoo78:
I just said to a friend last night he'd be a happier person if he didn't think every FB post was about him. I say the same thing to you; unless you are mentioned specifically why assume ANY FB post is about you? Infering things that aren't said is how adolescent FB drama begins...
Having another baby???
- Seychelles1409
on Sep. 2, 2012 at 6:43 PM