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BM blames me and refuses visitation

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So my hubby changed his job so he could get his son 4 everyday while BM works as after school program lady for the school district. Takes a lesser paying job to get to see his son mon thru fri every week as we did last year. So two days before school starts she changes her mind and says her live in boyfriend will just babysit instead.

So today she says that all the back talk and bad behavior was my fault and he is no longer allowed at our house and if my hubby wants to see his kid he can come get him on wed his day off for an hour and take him to lunch. Which by the way he pays over 700 a month in child support.

She says we don't watch him and he gets hurt too much at our house. My kids are 14,12, & 7. So we go to the park or they go outside to play. And yes he has gotten bumps and bruises. He is 4 he jumps and runs at our house not just sits in front of the tv as she makes him. She refuses to allow him to go outside for whatever reason.
I know I have no say so but I'm so mad that she is hurting my hubby. He misses his son so much hasn't seen him in 3 weeks. And now we have to file for formal custody since she is being a jerk. I just don't get it. Why? I am so hurt and upset. My Abby is so devestated and can't understand why she isn't allowed to see him. I feel so helpless. Why does she not think her son deserves a relationship with his dad. Why?
I hate my ex husband but I have never denied him time with his kids. It's not him that I would be hurting. I just don't get it.

She told him to choose. His son or me and my kids. This is so not fair. Thanks in advance for the support.
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by on Sep. 8, 2012 at 10:28 PM
Replies (11-20):
ambie25
by on Sep. 9, 2012 at 10:30 AM
Well, he doesn't have to choose. That's BS. That's just her trying to run you and dh lives. Get visitation through the courts. That way, this will never happen again. It's not fair to Ss, dh, you or the kids. Good luck.

Quoting badged54:

So my hubby changed his job so he could get his son 4 everyday while BM works as after school program lady for the school district. Takes a lesser paying job to get to see his son mon thru fri every week as we did last year. So two days before school starts she changes her mind and says her live in boyfriend will just babysit instead.



So today she says that all the back talk and bad behavior was my fault and he is no longer allowed at our house and if my hubby wants to see his kid he can come get him on wed his day off for an hour and take him to lunch. Which by the way he pays over 700 a month in child support.



She says we don't watch him and he gets hurt too much at our house. My kids are 14,12, & 7. So we go to the park or they go outside to play. And yes he has gotten bumps and bruises. He is 4 he jumps and runs at our house not just sits in front of the tv as she makes him. She refuses to allow him to go outside for whatever reason.

I know I have no say so but I'm so mad that she is hurting my hubby. He misses his son so much hasn't seen him in 3 weeks. And now we have to file for formal custody since she is being a jerk. I just don't get it. Why? I am so hurt and upset. My Abby is so devestated and can't understand why she isn't allowed to see him. I feel so helpless. Why does she not think her son deserves a relationship with his dad. Why?

I hate my ex husband but I have never denied him time with his kids. It's not him that I would be hurting. I just don't get it.



She told him to choose. His son or me and my kids. This is so not fair. Thanks in advance for the support.


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ambie25
by on Sep. 9, 2012 at 10:32 AM
Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. Bm doesn't rule the world. Dh needs to file for visitation.


Quoting badged54:

Thank you. We need it. I feel horrible that i am the reason he doesn't get to see his son that because he loves us and she has developed some hatred in the last month. Because we were getting him every other weekend all summer no problems. And now all of a sudden she does a 180 and says no more. I don't understand why. Give me a good reason. I'm trying to stay out of it but how can I. I can't ask my husband to stop seeing his son for me. I would never So I have to give up the love of my life because birth mom doesn't like me now. What?

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ambie25
by on Sep. 9, 2012 at 10:34 AM
1 mom liked this
Haha, bm told dh to choose too. He already had visits through the court. It didn't go over very well for her. The judge wasn't happy at all.


Quoting leegirl_jm:

BM told my husband to choose too, it is the heights of immaturity and only the child suffers, so poor parental behaviour as well.

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packermomof2
by on Sep. 9, 2012 at 11:22 AM

My kids told their father to choose and I backed them up.  They were coming home with worse things than bruises, some from not being watched (a third degree burn and a broken tooth, for example) and some from their older Ssiblings (one once threw a live animal at my daughter's face and scratched her face up, bb guns were shot at them, a snorkel was held under water while it was in the kids mouth, and lives were threatened)...

yes, my ex had to choose.  If he couldn't keep our kids safe they weren't going to be around his new family.  Their mother was defensive of her kids (and I do understand a mom being defensive) as was I.  She had the right to defend her kids actions each and every time they hurt my kids (and she and my ex did and it was always that my kids provoked hers - hers were teens, mine were younger)...

So... my kids told him they wouldn't be around him if it meant being around SM and her kids.  Moms want to protect their kids and you might do the same if the roles were reversed.

drakemom1
by Bronze Member on Sep. 9, 2012 at 11:37 AM
1 mom liked this
Ugh DF's ex in laws say I'm not capable of parenting and they don't want the kids around me while I have full custody of alllll of my kids lol bitches be crazy, I ignore the drama and let DF handle everything, although his kids are teens and have a voice to say if they want to come over or not, the little guy deserves a relationship with your SO, so take her ass to court
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badged54
by on Sep. 9, 2012 at 12:36 PM
I'm sorry your kids were treated bad. That's not right. My kids miss their little brother. My 12 son got to go to kennywood with his grandparents and he made sure he won a prize for both his sisters and his little brother. And that's just one example. I would never let my kids beat on a younger child.


I too am a SMand BM. My kids would go over their dads and also come home with stories of his gf kids younger getting away with hitting and things. So I do understand. She doesn't like that we let him play outside. He got a bruise from jumping off a play set at the park and fell. He is not the most graceful thing out there. And one time the kids were playing and he got hit in the head on accident I was watching them all playing on the swing set. We were over DH fathers house. He is a rough little boy that runs around. She wants him inside all the time making crafts or watching tv so he doesn't get hurt.
We are calling a lawyer on Monday. The child support is court ordered but not visits. So I hope she screws herself because I hope we get 50/50. We only live 5 mins apart. So her money will decrease.
DH let her make all the parenting decisions until I came along and made him step up and be a dad. So I feel it has more to do with a control thing but that's just my opinion.


Quoting packermomof2:

My kids told their father to choose and I backed them up.  They were coming home with worse things than bruises, some from not being watched (a third degree burn and a broken tooth, for example) and some from their older Ssiblings (one once threw a live animal at my daughter's face and scratched her face up, bb guns were shot at them, a snorkel was held under water while it was in the kids mouth, and lives were threatened)...

yes, my ex had to choose.  If he couldn't keep our kids safe they weren't going to be around his new family.  Their mother was defensive of her kids (and I do understand a mom being defensive) as was I.  She had the right to defend her kids actions each and every time they hurt my kids (and she and my ex did and it was always that my kids provoked hers - hers were teens, mine were younger)...

So... my kids told him they wouldn't be around him if it meant being around SM and her kids.  Moms want to protect their kids and you might do the same if the roles were reversed.


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newstepmom61811
by on Sep. 9, 2012 at 1:21 PM
That 's a bad dynamic "I made him step up and be a dad." if he's not doing it out of his own motivation what happens when he he gets tired of it and resents your pushing and when the kids spend time with you and you end up doing the work you expected DH to do because he never wanted to do it and you pushed? In the end BM will be pissed off because you fought to take time away from her and she knows DH never wanted it, you made DH "step-up" so you're pushing it for you, to make DH be the dad you want him to be that he may never have been wired to be. Then DH will resent you for not just letting him be. You will be disappointed in DH not being the dad you want, you'll resent the worklload you pick-up because DH won't. The kids will resent you for interfering with them and their parents.


Quoting badged54:

I'm sorry your kids were treated bad. That's not right. My kids miss their little brother. My 12 son got to go to kennywood with his grandparents and he made sure he won a prize for both his sisters and his little brother. And that's just one example. I would never let my kids beat on a younger child.





I too am a SMand BM. My kids would go over their dads and also come home with stories of his gf kids younger getting away with hitting and things. So I do understand. She doesn't like that we let him play outside. He got a bruise from jumping off a play set at the park and fell. He is not the most graceful thing out there. And one time the kids were playing and he got hit in the head on accident I was watching them all playing on the swing set. We were over DH fathers house. He is a rough little boy that runs around. She wants him inside all the time making crafts or watching tv so he doesn't get hurt.

We are calling a lawyer on Monday. The child support is court ordered but not visits. So I hope she screws herself because I hope we get 50/50. We only live 5 mins apart. So her money will decrease.

DH let her make all the parenting decisions until I came along and made him step up and be a dad. So I feel it has more to do with a control thing but that's just my opinion.




Quoting packermomof2:

My kids told their father to choose and I backed them up.  They were coming home with worse things than bruises, some from not being watched (a third degree burn and a broken tooth, for example) and some from their older Ssiblings (one once threw a live animal at my daughter's face and scratched her face up, bb guns were shot at them, a snorkel was held under water while it was in the kids mouth, and lives were threatened)...

yes, my ex had to choose.  If he couldn't keep our kids safe they weren't going to be around his new family.  Their mother was defensive of her kids (and I do understand a mom being defensive) as was I.  She had the right to defend her kids actions each and every time they hurt my kids (and she and my ex did and it was always that my kids provoked hers - hers were teens, mine were younger)...

So... my kids told him they wouldn't be around him if it meant being around SM and her kids.  Moms want to protect their kids and you might do the same if the roles were reversed.



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Ktina11
by Member on Sep. 9, 2012 at 1:49 PM
Mom of 3 boys here... (5, 4, 2.5) They have sooo many bruises from jumping, rolling, and just being boys. There are different types of bruises...sm is just an excuse. If she really was worried she would have denied BD too. This is all about the anger toward the sm. Get a court ordered visitation schedule.


Quoting chanizen:

Ok, different perspective (I'm both sm and bm)

If my 4 year old came home with bruises consistently, I would be PISSED. If I felt he wasn't being watched, I would not be inclined to have the child exposed to a potentially dangerous situation. If I felt sm's children were a danger to mine, and I had a choice (as in no solid co), I would restrict visitation.

Maybe instead of dismissing concerns and enforcing via co, you might want to understand her specific concerns. What are they? Why is she so upset? I would have dh get her to give specific examples and try to understand why she feels that way. Don't get defensive. Try to remember how it would feel to have your own kids come home with bruises from a sitter or daycare provider.

Bm may or may not have valid concerns. Remember, to her you are a stranger. And she may not believe you are a caring one.

This is a child, not a right, not a possession.

It may not be possible to make peace. And a good CO is a great idea. But long term peace starts with boundaries and being compassionate and trying to understand each other. Even if SHE never understands you.... You may get a better sense of the reason for boundaries and be able to reduce conflict by trying to put yourself in her position.

Ultimately, the less conflict there is for the child, the bios and the step parents (and their bios).... The better off you will be financially, personally and in your marriage.

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packermomof2
by on Sep. 9, 2012 at 1:55 PM


Quoting newstepmom61811:

That 's a bad dynamic "I made him step up and be a dad." if he's not doing it out of his own motivation what happens when he he gets tired of it and resents your pushing and when the kids spend time with you and you end up doing the work you expected DH to do because he never wanted to do it and you pushed? In the end BM will be pissed off because you fought to take time away from her and she knows DH never wanted it, you made DH "step-up" so you're pushing it for you, to make DH be the dad you want him to be that he may never have been wired to be. Then DH will resent you for not just letting him be. You will be disappointed in DH not being the dad you want, you'll resent the worklload you pick-up because DH won't. The kids will resent you for interfering with them and their parents.




DH let her make all the parenting decisions until I came along and made him step up and be a dad. So I feel it has more to do with a control thing but that's just my opinion.


I agree with Newstepmom here.  It might be a control issue on her end but it probably has more to do with her knowing the kind of father he is and now that you're around he's only changing because of you.  A SM pushing is never a good reason to change things up... he should want to do that on his own. 

ramita
by Silver Member on Sep. 9, 2012 at 3:32 PM

I think it is time for a real custody order!! If she is refusing visitation then its time to get something legal set up. BM should try to put visitation between the child and the BF first over other family, but when they decide they don't want BF in the childs life its time to get courts involved...Also, talk to the lawyer and see what your DH should be paying based on his income it might be less than what he's paying...

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