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Opinion Needed: DH plans to use a football game outing as the place talk to grown son about his disrespect of me. I feel....

Several months ago my 24 year old SS was rude and disrespectful towards me at my DH's father's funeral.  The worst example came when SS, who was a pallbearer, walked down the family line shaking hands and hugging everyone.  When he got to me, he turned his back the other way and walked away and out the door )Iwas the last family member in the line).  Everyone saw what he did and I felt humiliated.  DH has not said anything about this to his son.  I have been hurt and angry.  We have not seen SS since the funeral.  The only contact has been calls on their birthdays and on Father's Day (my birthday and Mother's Day were ignored).    Now DH says he plans to take his son to a football game and talk to him there about what happened.    I am hurt, angry, and feel totally unimportant to DH.   Last night, we argued and he stormed out of the room.  I slept in the guest room.   This morning I pretended to be asleep when he came in, kissed me goodbye, said he loved me and that he was mad at ME!    The last time he took his son to a game to talk to him about a problem, they talked for about 3 minutes, SS lied and that was it.   No apologies to me, nothing was solved, and our issues get worse.    Am I wrong to be hurt and angry?   My DH avoids conflict as if it will bite him and has never stood up for me.  If only I knew all this 15 years ago!  

by on Sep. 19, 2012 at 4:55 PM
Replies (31-36):
Seychelles1409
by Silver Member on Sep. 23, 2012 at 11:55 PM

  Thanks, Your advice is great and I have been doing just as you suggest.  DH and I are pretty self-sufficient, and indepenent from the SKids  We spend time with my adult son and his wife and our elderly parents.   My son worships my DH and has followed him into the medical field, not so easy to do, so I am really proud of  their father/son relationship and the blended family we three have made together.  Forsake all others.....yes, we do!  DH's avoidance of conflict is so sad; it has led us to counseling and the therapist has told me my DH's issue with this is very difficult to treat so I do the best I can to cope and move on.  That is why advice such as yours is so helpful on this site.  Skids...Whew....just breathe....we SM's aren't that bad, are we?  If mine only knew how much I had loved them and how much I wanted us all to be happy.  Oh well, their loss.  I tried, was willing, and ready, but can't work magic and do the work DH couldn't do or repair the damage of a mentally ill BM (seriously, not being mean.....mental hospital, attempted suicide, etc.)                                                                                                                                                           
Quoting ConfusedStep:
Well, he is grown althouhg it is difficult just let it go. SS is set in his ways and is unlikely to change. DH avoids conflicts let  him avoid this one. Forgive DH and move on. Enjoy your life with out the Skids living/visiting that is peace right there. No fights, no hurt feelings will come out of not being around them. Even if they are talking crap (as do my skids) and lying (again mine too) you know the truth as does your DH and that should be all that matters.Take a deep breath and remember you married DH not his kids...after all he chose to stay with you even though his kids are grown so he wasn't just keeping you around for their sake but for his. Forsake all others...


USBrit
by Silver Member on Sep. 24, 2012 at 8:07 PM

I can totally agree with you about this, but I think with other family members such as a SS who will be involved in your life more intimately than ex's or their spouses....I think should show respect, as in the case with the SS at the funeral.

Quoting Pero1:


Quoting USBrit:

That's up to you.

That is NOT what I am talking about....I am talking about simple respect of another human being.

In some cases, ignoring somebody can be a form of respect within your very own limits... if deep inside you, you feel you just want to scream and cuss out this person, that simply ignoring him/her might be a much better and more respectful choice.

I've entered in many discussions on here on ignoring SM ... I can assure you that I will never, ever acknowlege the woman with as much as a nod... that train has passed, and she was the one operating it! I can't say I respect her, I can't say I respect BF ... but I love my DD.

I always strive to do my best for her, and in this instance my personal best is to simply ignore the cow who caused so much heartache ... my preferred option would be to tell her, in front of whoever wants to listen, what a &6%$( she really is ... which I won't. SM's choices are to either stay away from me completely, or to accept that she will be ignored.


Pero1
by on Sep. 25, 2012 at 6:12 AM


Quoting USBrit:

I can totally agree with you about this, but I think with other family members such as a SS who will be involved in your life more intimately than ex's or their spouses....I think should show respect, as in the case with the SS at the funeral.

The kid is an adult ... it's not as if they would sit on top of each other every single day (i.e. living in the same household).

USBrit
by Silver Member on Sep. 25, 2012 at 10:53 PM

Believe me, I get it.....I have adult stepkids and they "can" be more difficult at times than small children. I still think that we can show respect for each other even if we don't like/love each other. It just isn't that hard. AND, while they may not live in the same household, it is still a lifelong relationship, one that makes life easier if folks are looking to "disrespect" another.

Quoting Pero1:


Quoting USBrit:

I can totally agree with you about this, but I think with other family members such as a SS who will be involved in your life more intimately than ex's or their spouses....I think should show respect, as in the case with the SS at the funeral.

The kid is an adult ... it's not as if they would sit on top of each other every single day (i.e. living in the same household).


Pero1
by on Sep. 26, 2012 at 4:10 AM


Quoting USBrit:

 AND, while they may not live in the same household, it is still a lifelong relationship, one that makes life easier if folks are looking to "disrespect" another.

I don't disagree that it is easier if there is respect. But ... I disagree that the relationship with a (step)parent is necessarily a lifelong one. My SD decided at the beginning of the year that she wanted no more contact with her BM. Whilst I think this is a shame, I get the feeling that her decision is a longer-lasting one. She did not even visit very ill relatives at the hospital because she did not want to run into BM.

I get along with both my SPs, my brother doesn't with my SF (entirely SF's fault, I have to say). My brother will only meet my mother if my SF isn't present, it is entirely up to my mother now to facilitate this contact with her son. My brother wouldn't speak to my SF or be around him.

USBrit
by Silver Member on Sep. 26, 2012 at 3:59 PM

I was trying to say life is easier if folks "aren't" trying to disrespect....(my error).


As for your situation.....Glad that your family can do a work around relationship. That is just seems like way too much work for most families. AND, I believe in forgiveness. I have had to forgive some pretty big things for the sake of my husband's family and I didn't want to spend time around them immediately for fear of saying/doing the wrong thing, but I didn't want the relationship to "end" forever, just needed a breather.


However, I think that you and I have "talked" our different thoughts out and at this point, I don't believe that either of us will change our positions on the issue. That is why everyone is different and have different ways of resolving issues....and probably why we come here occassionally just to get a different point of view.

:)

Quoting Pero1:


Quoting USBrit:

 AND, while they may not live in the same household, it is still a lifelong relationship, one that makes life easier if folks are looking to "disrespect" another.

I don't disagree that it is easier if there is respect. But ... I disagree that the relationship with a (step)parent is necessarily a lifelong one. My SD decided at the beginning of the year that she wanted no more contact with her BM. Whilst I think this is a shame, I get the feeling that her decision is a longer-lasting one. She did not even visit very ill relatives at the hospital because she did not want to run into BM.

I get along with both my SPs, my brother doesn't with my SF (entirely SF's fault, I have to say). My brother will only meet my mother if my SF isn't present, it is entirely up to my mother now to facilitate this contact with her son. My brother wouldn't speak to my SF or be around him.


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