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So it's almost step daughter's open house tonight.....she's is with her mother this week....My fiance said you're  going with me! I don't want to go...I don't want to see his ex wife...I don't know why i'm such a baby about it....she left him for another guy and we've been together almost two years getting married in May...Any advice other then grow some?? I just know I will be really nervous and I don't want her to see that...that's my biggest thing......but why do I react this why to her?

by on Sep. 20, 2012 at 11:39 AM
Replies (21-30):
rebeccasmly
by on Sep. 20, 2012 at 3:56 PM

What is your relationship with the child? How involved are you going to be? It sounds like she has 2 very involved parents. So what are the expectations expected of you as her STBSM? Not just DF's, but SD's and BM's. Are you going to step on BM's toes being there? Will it create drama? Just some things to think about while making your decision.

MISSYB01
by on Sep. 20, 2012 at 4:07 PM

I don't know why I feel this way!!! I shouldn't at all!!! but you did make good points.... how did you get over your innsecurities!! I mean, over all i'm a push over when it comes to this stuff....I don't like confrontation and she loves it! and the reasoning for the "not good enough" comment. Bm spent 400 dollars on new school clothes etc. and we got her a couple new outfits new sneakers and shoes basic things and she was upset saying we didn't spend enough money and her child looks like a welfare case. I guess I feel a little guilty for not getting her a lot of clothes....but I don't have money right now to spend elaborately. And well she's not my daughter... I thought what we got her was good enough (basic) but then she has to go run her mouth

Quoting meerkat101:

sorry to say - but yes, you should go

why? because your fiance asked you to please go with


why do you feel this way - that is the thing you must explore. maybe deep down you have some self-doubt (as you say "nothing is good enough").

you MUST sort out this feelings you have - as it is one of the things that may ruin your marriage later.


I'll probably get some interesting replies on this one, but yes - I did feel inferior to BM before I met her. I was scared becaused SHE left HIM, so I was unsure whether he was still hung up on her (he wasn"t or isn"t, they married because she fell pregnant after telling him she couldn't have children). I was scared that she was prettier or more clever or or or than me.

I had to become sure of myself and our relationship - otherwise all of those doubts would have killed us!!


MISSYB01
by on Sep. 20, 2012 at 4:15 PM

I mean these are all things I think about....Am I going to make her mad if I show up? and I hate the awkward goodbyes "Ok, give Melissa a kiss goodbye!" says fiance in front of Bm. If I was the BM I wouldn't want my daughter kissing or hugging my ex's new fiance!!! The involvement part: I don't take her to school or ever pick her up from school or from Bm. My fiance and MIL do all that but I am involved in helping her learn new things such a counting and whatever she has to learn for Kindergarten. I know my fiance would like the support but I really don't like these situations

Quoting rebeccasmly:

What is your relationship with the child? How involved are you going to be? It sounds like she has 2 very involved parents. So what are the expectations expected of you as her STBSM? Not just DF's, but SD's and BM's. Are you going to step on BM's toes being there? Will it create drama? Just some things to think about while making your decision.


WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Sep. 20, 2012 at 4:16 PM

So she is supposed to be uncomfortable just so her husband doesn't have to be alone?

Quoting justhavingfun.:

I would think because its the right thing to do. As another poster says, family supports each other.


Quoting WifeyC:



Quoting MISSYB01:

I know deep down I have to go.....I just have to do it

Why do you have to go?



justhavingfun.
by on Sep. 20, 2012 at 4:19 PM
Yes because that's what families do.


Quoting WifeyC:

So she is supposed to be uncomfortable just so her husband doesn't have to be alone?


Quoting justhavingfun.:

I would think because its the right thing to do. As another poster says, family supports each other.





Quoting WifeyC:




Quoting MISSYB01:

I know deep down I have to go.....I just have to do it

Why do you have to go?





Posted on CafeMom Mobile
WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Sep. 20, 2012 at 4:19 PM
2 moms liked this

This family doesn't.  If I was this uncomfortable being around BM then Dh would never even think of asking to put me in that situation.

Quoting justhavingfun.:

Yes because that's what families do.


Quoting WifeyC:

So she is supposed to be uncomfortable just so her husband doesn't have to be alone?


Quoting justhavingfun.:

I would think because its the right thing to do. As another poster says, family supports each other.





Quoting WifeyC:




Quoting MISSYB01:

I know deep down I have to go.....I just have to do it

Why do you have to go?






justhavingfun.
by on Sep. 20, 2012 at 4:38 PM
That's fine. Nothing wrong with that.

What is 'this uncomfortable?' The OP (to me) just seems to have a little jitters. The same thing happens to me when I have a big meeting. It happens, its a normal and good feeling.

In our family, I'm happy that DH invites me to be involved in his life. And I'll be there no matter what.


Quoting WifeyC:

This family doesn't.  If I was this uncomfortable being around BM then Dh would never even think of asking to put me in that situation.


Quoting justhavingfun.:

Yes because that's what families do.





Quoting WifeyC:

So she is supposed to be uncomfortable just so her husband doesn't have to be alone?



Quoting justhavingfun.:

I would think because its the right thing to do. As another poster says, family supports each other.








Quoting WifeyC:





Quoting MISSYB01:

I know deep down I have to go.....I just have to do it

Why do you have to go?









Posted on CafeMom Mobile
MommySabs
by Gold Member on Sep. 20, 2012 at 4:42 PM
Agreed! I won't go any where near bm if I can help it and my dh would never expect me to. She too is a lover of the drama and takes her anger out on me so I won't be in an unnecessary situation with her there.


Quoting WifeyC:

This family doesn't.  If I was this uncomfortable being around BM then Dh would never even think of asking to put me in that situation.


Quoting justhavingfun.:

Yes because that's what families do.





Quoting WifeyC:

So she is supposed to be uncomfortable just so her husband doesn't have to be alone?



Quoting justhavingfun.:

I would think because its the right thing to do. As another poster says, family supports each other.








Quoting WifeyC:





Quoting MISSYB01:

I know deep down I have to go.....I just have to do it

Why do you have to go?









Posted on CafeMom Mobile
justhavingfun.
by on Sep. 20, 2012 at 5:10 PM
That's all fine and good, but who said OP's BM was a crazy?


Quoting MommySabs:

Agreed! I won't go any where near bm if I can help it and my dh would never expect me to. She too is a lover of the drama and takes her anger out on me so I won't be in an unnecessary situation with her there.




Quoting WifeyC:

This family doesn't.  If I was this uncomfortable being around BM then Dh would never even think of asking to put me in that situation.



Quoting justhavingfun.:

Yes because that's what families do.








Quoting WifeyC:

So she is supposed to be uncomfortable just so her husband doesn't have to be alone?




Quoting justhavingfun.:

I would think because its the right thing to do. As another poster says, family supports each other.











Quoting WifeyC:






Quoting MISSYB01:

I know deep down I have to go.....I just have to do it

Why do you have to go?












Posted on CafeMom Mobile
packermomof2
by on Sep. 20, 2012 at 5:21 PM
2 moms liked this

No where is it written that one partner needs to be uncomfortable so the other partner can have their hand held at something for their child.  I went to two open houses this year... mostly women/moms.  if moms can handle open houses without "support" for it, dads should be able to do the same.  If they can't?  Maybe they should stay home.

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