Depends. Is the SP telling the kids something opposite of what at least one of the parents is saying? Is it in line with what the parents (not just the one the SP is married to) think is okay for their children? In those situations I don't think it is "healthy" for the SP to be telling the kid anything.
If it is about something the SP would tell anyone's kids it isn't unhealthy, but it isn't a good thing to teach the kids. "Put your shoes away" should be listened to. But if one parent says "no" to something and the SP is saying yes, the parent has every right to tell the kid that they are to listen to what the parent says over what the SP says.
I have never (and would never) told that to my DD. HOWEVER ...
From the day we separated, DD was made aware of the pecking order. She learned quickly that questions relating to her health, education or appearance should only be directed at her BPs (her father never managed to learn). There isn't a mom at BF's house, there isn't a dad at my house.
So for example, if DD gets a headache at BF's house and BF isn't around, she'll call me and ask whether she is allowed to take a pill, and vice versa. She wouldn't ever think of approaching SM or DF for one, or for permission to dip-dye her hair, or anything similar.
When DH was married to Hammy, her whole family and herself told his stepdaughter that she didn't have to listen to him or do anything he said. She grew up to be a poisonous little borderline witch who physically abused both DH and SS.
So it is hugely disfunctional in my opinion. I am sure SS has been told that he doesn't have to get along with me in any shape, fashion or form. Told many times. Ugh.
It no longer matters to me as he is grown.
Quoting savingtheworld:Omg..I don't ask for much trust me...pick up after ur self take a shower brush ur teeth! Really? That simple! But I get crap these kids are 11 an 12? My kids are 7 an 11 they are of coarse use to my rules but my step kids u would think I was the worst.so they snap bk with momma said we don't have to listen to u an momma don't like u any way..
It entirely depends on what the stepparent is trying to enforce with the child and the history of the family's situation.
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