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Should a parent tell there child that they don't have to obey their stepparents?
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by on Sep. 21, 2012 at 6:58 PM
Replies (21-30):
Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Sep. 22, 2012 at 10:03 AM
1 mom liked this
My skids are 13&16 and they still ask if they can have a soda. (House rules)

It works for us. I give alot to them also. I don't make them do much. These are Dh's rules. They all have to listen to the adult.

My skids have a new sf now and they only listen to BM. But.... He came into thier lives late. They still have nirmal house rules but sf doesn't ask them to do anything. My Dh is fine if SF does ask them to do things like(this is what I consider obey) mow the lawn and such.

I like when the bps are in charge. My dds obey my Dh.
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ambie25
by on Sep. 22, 2012 at 10:04 AM
Very well said!


Quoting Derdriu:

Ah, I can't wait to see some of the answers to this one.


I would say no.  I don't think a wise parent encourages their children to disrespect any authority figure or other adults in their lives.  If an adult poses a problem for a child and/or makes requests that the child is uncomfortable with, either the parent can intervene or (often) they can instruct the child how to respond respectfully without inciting a problem. 


With steps, you're adding issues of jealousy, insecurity, protectiveness... a lot of different emotions that cloud judgment when the other adult is in any way parental.  The same BP who tells their kids to disobey a SP might flip their lid if the kids disobeyed a teacher.  However, some SPs do overstep boundaries by miles. A SP asking a kid to pick up their toys should be obeyed.  That's a perfectly reasonable request.  A SP demanding that a kid call them mom/dad is not only overstepping the boundaries of SP but also violating the kid's comfort zone and bond with the BP.  So in that case, BP can contact the other BP and complain about the SP and/or instruct the kid to hold their ground, in which it is technically disobeying but also enabling the kid to maintain their own boundaries.


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WickdlySweet
by Member on Sep. 22, 2012 at 10:04 AM
No...my kids are taught to obey any adult whose house that they are at.my oldest knows to respect his sm and that there will be hell to pay from me if I find out he doesn't!
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Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Sep. 22, 2012 at 10:16 AM
Ps! I have told my dds I do not agree with some of the methods my Dh hands out as discipline,so I do tell my dds (alone) I don't agree with this punishment but my Dh does.

I say it in a very respectful way. I can't explain it. Lol. Like... Girls I think sf shouldn't tell you to do a chore that is his sons chores but its not a big chore and you are helping the home.

Sorry. I can't word it right! But I do tell them they have to obey his decision but I don't agree with it. Then I give an example to my dds of how they can handle it.

Urgh. I'm saying this SO WRONG. Lol.
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Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Sep. 22, 2012 at 10:20 AM
This:) You said exactly what I Wanted to say!!!! Lol. I couldn't put it into words. This is a GREAT example of when not obeying and obeying is in order.


I'm sleep deprived because my baby in my belly(I'm 39 weeks) is bugging! Lol


Quoting Derdriu:

Ah, I can't wait to see some of the answers to this one.


I would say no.  I don't think a wise parent encourages their children to disrespect any authority figure or other adults in their lives.  If an adult poses a problem for a child and/or makes requests that the child is uncomfortable with, either the parent can intervene or (often) they can instruct the child how to respond respectfully without inciting a problem. 


With steps, you're adding issues of jealousy, insecurity, protectiveness... a lot of different emotions that cloud judgment when the other adult is in any way parental.  The same BP who tells their kids to disobey a SP might flip their lid if the kids disobeyed a teacher.  However, some SPs do overstep boundaries by miles. A SP asking a kid to pick up their toys should be obeyed.  That's a perfectly reasonable request.  A SP demanding that a kid call them mom/dad is not only overstepping the boundaries of SP but also violating the kid's comfort zone and bond with the BP.  So in that case, BP can contact the other BP and complain about the SP and/or instruct the kid to hold their ground, in which it is technically disobeying but also enabling the kid to maintain their own boundaries.

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Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Sep. 22, 2012 at 10:23 AM
That sucks. :/. My BM is oppitisite. She's the lazy BM type(not being mean,she just is) and wants to be thier BFF so she's fine and likes that skids have to listen to me. I don't ask for it. My Dh and her established it in each home. They they should be respectful and mindful of me.

Sorry bm said that:(.


Quoting savingtheworld:

Wow..nope not that kind of step parent..I don't call the shots between husband an bio mom I dont do drop off or pick ups....I do go to soccer games..but I don't go to court hearings etc..but at my house I do expect kids to follow the rules..bc its my an my husband house..but apparently bio told kid that she doesn't like me an she doesn't have to listen? Seriously
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Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Sep. 22, 2012 at 10:25 AM
I'd let my Dh tell them what's wrong with this.

Also if it were me and my skids said it to me(I don't have to listen to you!) I'd say "ok". And talk to Dh and let him deal with it.

I'd also not do anything extra for them. Lol.


Quoting savingtheworld:

Yes, thats what my husband told me..I don't want to b in competition! Bio can have what ever bio is trying to win! But how or Wut do I say to show kids that its wrong to do this?
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Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Sep. 22, 2012 at 10:28 AM
Very good advice! I just had to add all your replies are great!:D

Quoting Derdriu:

No, it's not far fetched. BM and DH both tried to use me as a go between, but everything I did - including specific requests from BM - resulted in being attacked for stepping on her toes. The last straw was being asked to talk to SS's teacher about something and then being chewed out because she felt it was her job. I learned to tune out and ignore all communications from her at that point. I didn't answer the phone, respond to texts, or respond to emails. I did pass messages along to DH, but I didn't follow up with him about how they were handled. I made myself not care. And life became a lot less stressful as a result. Now, oddly enough, she is very respectful in her communications with me and we're able to talk about some things. I'm still very guarded, but it's nice to be able to help her out and get a thanks vs getting my head bitten off. She has also since apologized for taking things out on me.

So, I'd say your having some growing pains. It's easier sometimes for BM to contact SM, but there's still resentment that she has to. It's really all about DH anyway, so find a way to back out of the middle. If he's not communicating something you feel is significant, tell him and be done. Don't do the communicating for him. Until the dust settles and they learn how to co-parent with SPs in the mix, SP is too easy a target to blame for frustrations and disagreements.
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sidelinesally
by on Sep. 22, 2012 at 1:24 PM


Quoting Pero1:

I have never (and would never) told that to my DD. HOWEVER ...

From the day we separated, DD was made aware of the pecking order. She learned quickly that questions relating to her health, education or appearance should only be directed at her BPs (her father never managed to learn). There isn't a mom at BF's house, there isn't a dad at my house.

So for example, if DD gets a headache at BF's house and BF isn't around, she'll call me and ask whether she is allowed to take a pill, and vice versa. She wouldn't ever think of approaching SM or DF for one, or for permission to dip-dye her hair, or anything similar.

Really? She can't ask SM for an Advil? Who gets it for her if there's no other adult around? Does she help herself and you hope she gets the dosage right? What about a bandaid if she cuts herself? Can SM get one of those for her or does she have to call you first? I think these pidly things are what send the message that SM is an incompetent idiot and can't be trusted to do right by the SK. They are the types of things that set SM up for being disrespected by SKs.

chanizen
by Platinum Member on Sep. 22, 2012 at 1:56 PM
1 mom liked this
It depends. If the step parent is overstepping, then yes, it may be very healthy for the child to know that the step parent is not allowed to make certain decisions.

For example, if a sm told my dd she shouldn't play soccer because she is a girl, I would tell her not to listen to that sm. if a sm was making my child feel badly or trying to reshape her personality, I would tell dd not to listen. My kid does not need to feel bad about who she is.

However, a bm telling a sm not to listen to normal things any caregiver would say .... Like "please,shut the door" or "put your plate in the sink". Well, that is silly.
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