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why can he tell grown felon men what to do but not his own 17 yo daughter? **updated**

Posted by on Sep. 21, 2012 at 6:59 PM
  • 30 Replies

http://www.cafemom.com/group/114270/forums/read/17288061/and_it_hit_the_fan_then_spladdered_EVERYWHERE

 

Ok so there is the link to my first post, a little background info.

 

I am at my wits end with this mess. My DH gave the 17 yr old chores and she doesn't do them. He doesn't do anything but do them for her. For example, he told her to do the dishes, clean her room and bathroom yesterday, we go home and there were still dishes on the counter that needed hand-washed, the dish washer was loaded full but she didn't run it. She didn't touch the bedroom or bathroom.  Now he is in there finishing up her chore, I refuse to do it.

I don't know what to do, I have told him I am sick of him not doing anything to make her a productive member of this household. He threatens her by saying if you don't do the dishes before you go to bed I am going to wake you up when I get up in the moring so you can do them (has ever happened). She is a drain on the family resources but doesn't do anything to help out. At this moment her and I don't act like the other exists. I can't stand her she is a liar and a manipulator, and I am still dealing with the pain of my oldest moving away.

Am I wrong to feel this way? I am to the point that I don't want to be around DH because he can't man up and take charge of his teenage daughter but has no problem enforcing rules and consequences at work, which is being a guard at a maximum security prison.  I even told him that. I have flat out told him that I don't care any more if she turns out accountable and responsible she isn't my kid. He said I know I need to be more authoritative but he just tucks his tail. UGH   

 

Help.

I finally had enough and let DH know that...yes I blew a cork (Friday night). I let him stew on it for a day that I was upset and was crying  over run with frustration and stress. He finally decided that he needed to step up and make a choice as to what to do with her. So he gave her a choice of either becoming a productive member of the household or moving out. Of course she chose to move, and is in the middle of it right now. I am simply praying that she doesn't get knocked up, catch an std, or end up dead.  I am sorry to say that the other female adults in her life that she spends a good amount of time with have taught her that she can live off the government and not work and still have fun in life. 

When she got busted smoking this summer she told her dad that when she turns 18 she is dropping out of school and moving back in with her mom until she get her own place. She flat out told her father this summer that no teenager should have to have a job, because their parents should give them everything and do everything for them. At the moment I highly doubt that she will register for school in the next town over where her mom lives. I really hope that I am wrong with this assumtion!

We (DH and I) sat down and discussed everything to do with this and other issues yesterday and then he laid the following on me:

she showed up to her Aunt's  (DH sister)  house and reeked of pot bragging that it smelled soo good. :-(

She convinced her BM to take her to the local tattoo shop and got her eye brow pierced. Then proceeded to argue with her boss and refused to take it out, even already knowing about the dress code and no facial piercings. She got fired yesterday.

So we are waiting for her to get all her stuff out of the bedroom so we can go in and repaint over the Lime Green and Purple, deep shampoo the carpets and rearrange the furniture. Neither DH or I like to live in Filth we prefer the dishes get washed and put away instead of stored in the bedroom dirty attracting bugs, we don't allow the kids to eat in their rooms, but the teenager defied even that simple rule.

I do love this child but I cannot handle the stress and frustrations that she has put forward the last few years. Enough is enough it simply escaladed more and more. I just pray that she will pull her head out of her butt and realize that we (I) truly had her best interests at heart when I was the MEAN STRICT STEP MOM.

Thank you all for your input, and I hope I can still positivily influence his ten year old daughter not to turn out like her older sisters.

 

by on Sep. 21, 2012 at 6:59 PM
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Replies (1-10):
jessiesluv
by on Sep. 21, 2012 at 7:06 PM

Honestly, sounds to me you are taking out a lot of anger on Dh and his daughter.

If he is doing the chores and they are getting done, then don't worry about it. You are already ignoring each other, so focus on something else. Something positive.

jessiesluv
by on Sep. 21, 2012 at 7:06 PM

Do you think you are reacting so harshly because of your own kid moving away?

ConfusedStep
by on Sep. 21, 2012 at 7:08 PM
1 mom liked this

I guess I am frustrated because  that is not how I was raised. I was made to help out around the house and complete the work correctly.

 

TempestRayne
by Donna on Sep. 21, 2012 at 7:09 PM


Quoting jessiesluv:

Honestly, sounds to me you are taking out a lot of anger on Dh and his daughter.

If he is doing the chores and they are getting done, then don't worry about it. You are already ignoring each other, so focus on something else. Something positive.


ConfusedStep
by on Sep. 21, 2012 at 7:10 PM

Oh I am sure I am reacting because of that. But I am also so angry that he won't step up and be a parent. He tucks his tail and lets her get away with crap. I wasn't raised that way. I did as I was told or there was consequences that my parents stuck to. He will give her a consequence but not follow through. However, he has no problem doing that wth my child(ren) who are his step kids.

jessiesluv
by on Sep. 21, 2012 at 7:12 PM

That was a hurdle that I had to learn to get over. Dh and I were raised totally different. But, I do have to say, after talking to dh, he does support me and does make the kiddos do what they are asked.

ConfusedStep
by on Sep. 21, 2012 at 7:17 PM

I feel like I am talking to a parrot he repeats what I say but doesn't understand what I mean.  (make sense)

I don't want my daughter who is still with me to see that the 17yo gets away with this crap and then begins to think she too can do the same things.

I feel like the lone ranger in the authority department in my house and how sad is that!

Mommamac630
by on Sep. 21, 2012 at 9:28 PM
1 mom liked this
Hi, I am new to the site and have a similar problem but DH isn't supportive and our other kids think its totally unfair that my stepson does nothing!
ConfusedStep
by on Sep. 21, 2012 at 9:38 PM

So frustrating...I wish you luck

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Sep. 22, 2012 at 11:24 AM
1 mom liked this

why does it bother you that he does the chores? as long as they get done and you dont have to do them, who cares?

also, a 17yo (or any kid for that matter) is a drain on the family resourses. Kids cost money to raise. 

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