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why can he tell grown felon men what to do but not his own 17 yo daughter? **updated**

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http://www.cafemom.com/group/114270/forums/read/17288061/and_it_hit_the_fan_then_spladdered_EVERYWHERE

 

Ok so there is the link to my first post, a little background info.

 

I am at my wits end with this mess. My DH gave the 17 yr old chores and she doesn't do them. He doesn't do anything but do them for her. For example, he told her to do the dishes, clean her room and bathroom yesterday, we go home and there were still dishes on the counter that needed hand-washed, the dish washer was loaded full but she didn't run it. She didn't touch the bedroom or bathroom.  Now he is in there finishing up her chore, I refuse to do it.

I don't know what to do, I have told him I am sick of him not doing anything to make her a productive member of this household. He threatens her by saying if you don't do the dishes before you go to bed I am going to wake you up when I get up in the moring so you can do them (has ever happened). She is a drain on the family resources but doesn't do anything to help out. At this moment her and I don't act like the other exists. I can't stand her she is a liar and a manipulator, and I am still dealing with the pain of my oldest moving away.

Am I wrong to feel this way? I am to the point that I don't want to be around DH because he can't man up and take charge of his teenage daughter but has no problem enforcing rules and consequences at work, which is being a guard at a maximum security prison.  I even told him that. I have flat out told him that I don't care any more if she turns out accountable and responsible she isn't my kid. He said I know I need to be more authoritative but he just tucks his tail. UGH   

 

Help.

I finally had enough and let DH know that...yes I blew a cork (Friday night). I let him stew on it for a day that I was upset and was crying  over run with frustration and stress. He finally decided that he needed to step up and make a choice as to what to do with her. So he gave her a choice of either becoming a productive member of the household or moving out. Of course she chose to move, and is in the middle of it right now. I am simply praying that she doesn't get knocked up, catch an std, or end up dead.  I am sorry to say that the other female adults in her life that she spends a good amount of time with have taught her that she can live off the government and not work and still have fun in life. 

When she got busted smoking this summer she told her dad that when she turns 18 she is dropping out of school and moving back in with her mom until she get her own place. She flat out told her father this summer that no teenager should have to have a job, because their parents should give them everything and do everything for them. At the moment I highly doubt that she will register for school in the next town over where her mom lives. I really hope that I am wrong with this assumtion!

We (DH and I) sat down and discussed everything to do with this and other issues yesterday and then he laid the following on me:

she showed up to her Aunt's  (DH sister)  house and reeked of pot bragging that it smelled soo good. :-(

She convinced her BM to take her to the local tattoo shop and got her eye brow pierced. Then proceeded to argue with her boss and refused to take it out, even already knowing about the dress code and no facial piercings. She got fired yesterday.

So we are waiting for her to get all her stuff out of the bedroom so we can go in and repaint over the Lime Green and Purple, deep shampoo the carpets and rearrange the furniture. Neither DH or I like to live in Filth we prefer the dishes get washed and put away instead of stored in the bedroom dirty attracting bugs, we don't allow the kids to eat in their rooms, but the teenager defied even that simple rule.

I do love this child but I cannot handle the stress and frustrations that she has put forward the last few years. Enough is enough it simply escaladed more and more. I just pray that she will pull her head out of her butt and realize that we (I) truly had her best interests at heart when I was the MEAN STRICT STEP MOM.

Thank you all for your input, and I hope I can still positivily influence his ten year old daughter not to turn out like her older sisters.

 

by on Sep. 21, 2012 at 6:59 PM
Replies (21-30):
ConfusedStep
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 5:19 PM

We gave her multiple options to step up and help out. She chose to move out instead of being a productive member of the house. EVERYBODY in this house is expected to pull their weight. Besides that it wasn't long until she walked out anyways, if you would have actually READ the post you would have figured that out.

Quoting DDDaysh:

 You kicked out a minor child for not doing her chores...  brilliant! 


DDDaysh
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 5:20 PM

 I don't care if she refused to do anything but eat and sleep, she's a MINOR and kicking her out was wrong. 

Quoting ConfusedStep:

We gave her multiple options to step up and help out. She chose to move out instead of being a productive member of the house. EVERYBODY in this house is expected to pull their weight. Besides that it wasn't long until she walked out anyways, if you would have actually READ the post you would have figured that out.

Quoting DDDaysh:

 You kicked out a minor child for not doing her chores...  brilliant! 

 

 

ConfusedStep
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 5:26 PM

She moved in with her BM, so she is still in a parents care. BM is just like her and lives in filth they can live in filth together. She knew the rules and chose not to follow them. Frankly if she is getting into the drug scene it is better if she is out of my house, because being in law enforcement I can NOT and will NOT allow that behavior. If I ever catch her with any of it, I would report it so it's better that she is out of this house. Safer for my children as well. She turns 18 very shortly anyways so she is practically an adult, wants us to treat her as an adult, so we did.

Quoting DDDaysh:

 I don't care if she refused to do anything but eat and sleep, she's a MINOR and kicking her out was wrong. 

Quoting ConfusedStep:

We gave her multiple options to step up and help out. She chose to move out instead of being a productive member of the house. EVERYBODY in this house is expected to pull their weight. Besides that it wasn't long until she walked out anyways, if you would have actually READ the post you would have figured that out.

Quoting DDDaysh:

 You kicked out a minor child for not doing her chores...  brilliant! 

 

 


faerie75
by Platinum Member on Sep. 24, 2012 at 6:16 PM

 ugh please dont tell me this. my SO's guilty daddy syndrome gets on my last nerve.

im not having a good day. wil make own post.

Quoting akm378mn:

Does your 17 yo sd live with you or only "visit" (sorry, I hate the term visit when kids go to the non-custodial parent's house, but that's the best word I can come up with at the moment.)

b/c if he is the non-custodial parent, then my next question is... does he have the "guilty dad" syndrome?  cuz that's what it kind of sounds like to me. 

My dh has the guilty dad syndrome, as in he will let my 9yo sd get away with a lot more than I think she should because he feels guilty that he doesn't get to raise her full time.  I think it's even worse since our 18 month old has been born because he gets to see our son every single day and actually have an active role in everyday life.  Now it's brought even more to the front of his mind because he sees what he has missed out on. 

 

 

 
        
         

TempestRayne
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 7:08 PM
Sorry things turned out this way.
eagle1355
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 7:22 PM
1 mom liked this

Why the heck are parents (step and bio.) so scared to expect rules to be followed? These are children an need to do what they are told PERIOD!!!

eagle1355
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 7:26 PM


Quoting ConfusedStep:

She lives with us. Full time. Yes I know that all kids are a drain of resources and that kids cost money, but I believe that kids SHOULD help around the house. My 7 year old daughter keeps her room clean, cleans her bathroom, and asks to help do the dishes. His 17 year is the laziest person I have met. She likes to live in filth, and I won't have that in my house. Sure I should be glad that he is doing the chores and not me but what is that teaching her, she is about to become an adult in EVERYBODIES society and she isn't capable of doing something 100%...well guess what that means...another drain on the government because if she can't do something 100% she isn't going to be able to hold down a job. Just another welfare case waiting to happen IE her mother.


ConfusedStep
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 8:00 PM
1 mom liked this

I don't expect anything less because a child is step kid of mine, I expect them to live by the rules of the house and help out, just as a expect my own children to pick up after themselves and help take care of other chores. To make a family successful all members must pitch in to to help keep the living environment clean and safe. With both parents working full time, and me (SM) going to school full time there is no room for slacking. It isn't asking too much, and she knew that if she didn't pull her weight there was always another option BM. I wasn't raised to leave dirty dishes lay around and trash to pile up on end tables or counter tops when the garbage can is two feet away... just a feel issues we had.

Quoting eagle1355:

Why the heck are parents (step and bio.) so scared to expect rules to be followed? These are children an need to do what they are told PERIOD!!!


eagle1355
by on Sep. 25, 2012 at 2:48 PM


Quoting DDDaysh:

 I don't care if she refused to do anything but eat and sleep, she's a MINOR and kicking her out was wrong. 

Quoting ConfusedStep:

We gave her multiple options to step up and help out. She chose to move out instead of being a productive member of the house. EVERYBODY in this house is expected to pull their weight. Besides that it wasn't long until she walked out anyways, if you would have actually READ the post you would have figured that out.

Quoting DDDaysh:

 You kicked out a minor child for not doing her chores...  brilliant! 

 

 


eagle1355
by on Sep. 25, 2012 at 2:53 PM


Quoting ConfusedStep:

She moved in with her BM, so she is still in a parents care. BM is just like her and lives in filth they can live in filth together. She knew the rules and chose not to follow them. Frankly if she is getting into the drug scene it is better if she is out of my house, because being in law enforcement I can NOT and will NOT allow that behavior. If I ever catch her with any of it, I would report it so it's better that she is out of this house. Safer for my children as well. She turns 18 very shortly anyways so she is practically an adult, wants us to treat her as an adult, so we did.

Quoting DDDaysh:

 I don't care if she refused to do anything but eat and sleep, she's a MINOR and kicking her out was wrong. 

Quoting ConfusedStep:

We gave her multiple options to step up and help out. She chose to move out instead of being a productive member of the house. EVERYBODY in this house is expected to pull their weight. Besides that it wasn't long until she walked out anyways, if you would have actually READ the post you would have figured that out.

Quoting DDDaysh:

 You kicked out a minor child for not doing her chores...  brilliant! 

 

 

 

Yep, it is brillant! It is not like she has no place to go. What will happen in the real world to her if she cannot follow simple rules? She will get fired from jobs, not succeed in school, not contribute to society, jail??  Perhaps she will realize how good she has it when she is gone for a bit. Boo hoo for her. Yep, she is a minor.... follow the damn rules!!!!!!!


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