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How is it selfish for DF to take the time with dd that's in the CO.

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 My DF hasn't had his daughter for any holidays, since he left BM when their dd was 3 1/2 year old, until this year (she is 6 now). BM took her for all holidays and DF had to find other days to celebrate the holiday on.  during those 2 1/2 years he never had his dd on her birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, fourth of july,  nothing. This isn't all BM's fault, DF was ignorant of his rights and BM simply took advantage of that.  Now that DF has recognized his rights and gone to court to make sure everything is in place, he is ready to start having some Holidays with his dd.  Now BM is all over him telling him it is selfish of him to take any of these holidays.  For example he gets their dd for Christmas Eve time period this year.  From noon on December 22nd until 10: a.m. on Christmas morning.  BM says that DF is being selfish and not doing what is best for their dd because she will want to wake up in her own bed Christmas morning.  She says he is being selfish because he gets her for Thanksgiving this year from 8 a.m. - 8 p.m. and that she should see both sides of her family on Thanksgiving (Where was that logic for the past two and a half years when she never got to even see her on dad, let alone his side of the family, on thanksgiving?!).  He has her for her birthday next year (BM had her for her birthday this past year and DF didn't get to see her because it was on BM's time) and now suddenly he's being a jerk and according to her he doesnt want to work together and doesnt have their dd's best interest at hear because he is planning on having his dd for her birthday. 

So according to her, it wasn't selfish of her, it wasn't outside the best interest of their dd, she wasn't being a jerk, when for the past 2 1/2 YEARS she kept their daughter from her father on every single holiday and birthday.  But now when DF wants to take advantage of half of the Holidays a year, she is throwing a fit and saying that he is a jerk, not putting their dd's best interest first and being selfish. Where is the logic in that!?

She's also pissed because he is going to take all 6 weeks of his summer parenting time next summer and because one of the blocks of parenting time is going to be 2 weeks long. She says "you're taking her from me for 2 weeks and makin it so i cant even see her on her birthday!"  He said "you have her for 2 weeks at a time all the time and I didn't see her on her birthday this year because it was your year for her birthday, what's the difference?". I just dont get this woman.  She is so self righteous and indignant when saying that suff, but she did all that and MORE to him. He's not doing this stuff to piss her off, he's taking advantage of his time with his daughter, to spend time with her and build memories and a relationship with her.

by on Sep. 22, 2012 at 4:06 PM
Replies (11-20):
trebelcleff
by on Sep. 22, 2012 at 11:30 PM

BM probably resents him for leaving her and their daughter and feels like she is entitled to time with their dd more than he is since he is the one that left.  I can understand her point of view, but that still doesn't make it right.  At least he wants to be in his child's life, and holidays and birthdays don't always have to be celebrated on the exact day.  She'll get used to it, though perhaps making some allowances for sharing certain holidays would help ease birth mom's anxiety (like doing Christmas earlier in the morning and returning her earlier, or having a lunch or early afternoon thanksgiving and sending her back to mom for dinner)... he certainly doesn't have to do this at all because it's HIS time with his child, but it might help birth mom feel less like her daughter is being torn away from her and hopefully she might back off a bit.  However if you think she might use it against him and say that he isn't using all his time to try to get less visitation for him, then don't back down.  Hopefully her resentment will wane with time and she'll get used to the schedule.

chasinrainbows
by Gold Member on Sep. 23, 2012 at 10:11 AM
1 mom liked this
Each parent also deserves to spend that time without the other parent's interference. What if the parent wants to go visit distance relatives with the children? I requested Christmas exchange to take place the day AFTER Christmas every year just so kids won't be rushed after opening presents and also so they can spend that special day with whatever family they are with. Bdays and Thanksgiving can be celebrated on a different day and Easter....well how many eggs does a child really need to hunt? Lol

Quoting savingtheworld:

If for best interest for the kids, y don't they split the holiday/ birthday? The child deserves to spend that special day with both parents..
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Derdriu
by Gold Member on Sep. 23, 2012 at 10:24 AM
2 moms liked this
Why is he even listening to all this? Set a filter in email to send her messages to a BM folder, and hang up the phone. It was selfish of her to deny her child a relationship with dad in order to fulfill her need for control. I can't imagine she'll be a real joy to work with until the meaning of CO sinks in.
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ambie25
by on Sep. 23, 2012 at 11:49 AM
Dh didn't know all these rules before we met either. He had his kids eowe. That's it. No phone calls, nothing. Now he gets eowe, every Wednesday over night, eo Friday on bm weekend for 2 hours. He never got a single holiday either. So he would spend every holiday without his kids. And if his weekend fell on a holiday, he just lost it. No make UPS, and if his weekend didn't fall near the holiday or birthday, what was the point in celebrating it with them? Personally, this is ridiculous. It is his fault for letting her get away with it, but really? She made the rules, he didn't have a choice. He couldn't afford a lawyer, he could barely afford to live. But when we got together, she wasn't allowing him to see them at all, for 2 months. We were together for 3 months when we decided to move in together. He hadn't seen his kids for 5 months. Well, after that, I brought home more money than him, and was able to help out enough for him to hire a lawyer to see his kids. When they went to court, he got a much better order. The one he has now. Bm was pissed. She said its all my fault. Ummm no! I was just able to help him out so he could do what he had been wanting to do for so long! And of course, she still refuses some holidays. Some regular visits and most phone calls as well. But, we do have a court date in October. Maybe it will get better. She says he's a horrible person who doesn't care about his children's feelings when they (mostly just ss now) spend holidays or anytime with us, but ss loves it. She will get over herself eventually, or at least I hope. Lol. Either that or she will just continue to be in contempt. The judge ordered this time, and its not fair for dad to miss out because they're no longer together. And not fair for the kids either. I guess my point is, don't let her get to you guys. What she's saying is beyond wrong! The best for the kids is to spend lots of time with both parents. Holidays included.
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ShannaBee
by on Sep. 23, 2012 at 12:34 PM

I understand your vent. My husband got accused of being selfish for wanting time/more time with his son. I think parents should be able to spend the holidays with their kids. She sounds a lot like my SS's mom. She said one reason she would not grant DH more time was because "I cannot live that long without having my child".  Gee, DH got his son four days a month to your 27, how do you think he feels?

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Sep. 23, 2012 at 12:42 PM
I don't think he is being selfish. She is selfish. He has allowed her to control holidays all these years and it's going to take her some time to realize that it will all be ok!! The first year that we seperated ex got dd for christmas morning. I didn't even get out of bed until noon. I think I cried all night. I'd never spent a christmas morning alone. I look back and think I should have surrounded myself with family that day. I should have spent the night with my parents so I could get up and enjoy the day and not be alone. The next time he had her on Christmas, that is what I did. I figured out how to enjoy myself without my daughter. For so many years my happiness was based on my child and being with her. She will figure it out. It's just new and of course your dh will get the backlash from her but overtime it becomes easier. I don't think she really deep down is worried about her kid waking up in her bed on christmas morning. It's quite possible that she is worried about what she (mom) will do and how she will survive a Christmas without her baby. Just one of those hurdles we have to over come when we get divorced.
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Sep. 23, 2012 at 12:45 PM
Why is he getting thanksgiving and christmas in the same year? I think this is what makes it an easy balance for me. We alternate those holidays. So I get thanksgiving while he has Christmas. Next year we alternate. Both are family oriented holidays. My family knows they won't see dd at Christmas so we are getting together for thanksgiving and dd will get her christmas this year on thanksgiving from my family and DH's family. Maybe they need to reevaluate that so neither has to go an entire year of no holidays. The switch makes it easier to accept.
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Sep. 23, 2012 at 12:48 PM
Actually if you read in to it what she is saying is he is a horrible person that doesn't care about her feelings. Has nothing to do with the kids.


Quoting ambie25:

Dh didn't know all these rules before we met either. He had his kids eowe. That's it. No phone calls, nothing. Now he gets eowe, every Wednesday over night, eo Friday on bm weekend for 2 hours. He never got a single holiday either. So he would spend every holiday without his kids. And if his weekend fell on a holiday, he just lost it. No make UPS, and if his weekend didn't fall near the holiday or birthday, what was the point in celebrating it with them? Personally, this is ridiculous. It is his fault for letting her get away with it, but really? She made the rules, he didn't have a choice. He couldn't afford a lawyer, he could barely afford to live. But when we got together, she wasn't allowing him to see them at all, for 2 months. We were together for 3 months when we decided to move in together. He hadn't seen his kids for 5 months. Well, after that, I brought home more money than him, and was able to help out enough for him to hire a lawyer to see his kids. When they went to court, he got a much better order. The one he has now. Bm was pissed. She said its all my fault. Ummm no! I was just able to help him out so he could do what he had been wanting to do for so long! And of course, she still refuses some holidays. Some regular visits and most phone calls as well. But, we do have a court date in October. Maybe it will get better. She says he's a horrible person who doesn't care about his children's feelings when they (mostly just ss now) spend holidays or anytime with us, but ss loves it. She will get over herself eventually, or at least I hope. Lol. Either that or she will just continue to be in contempt. The judge ordered this time, and its not fair for dad to miss out because they're no longer together. And not fair for the kids either. I guess my point is, don't let her get to you guys. What she's saying is beyond wrong! The best for the kids is to spend lots of time with both parents. Holidays included.

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EricaG87
by Bronze Member on Sep. 23, 2012 at 1:11 PM

 I think you hit the nail on the head. She has a boyfriend that she lives with so she wont be alone, but i think that like you, she has always based her happiness on their daughter being with her. I dont think that she realizes that the empty ache she will feel this Christmas morning is something DF has had to live with every holiday for the past  2 1/2 years.   I know how she feels. My kids woke up at their dad's last Christmas... I went over and brought my presents for them and we all opened presents together but... it wasn't the same as having them wake up at my house christmas morning.  Like you said, it's just a hurdle that we all have to overcome.

Quoting momof2ex1:

I don't think he is being selfish. She is selfish. He has allowed her to control holidays all these years and it's going to take her some time to realize that it will all be ok!! The first year that we seperated ex got dd for christmas morning. I didn't even get out of bed until noon. I think I cried all night. I'd never spent a christmas morning alone. I look back and think I should have surrounded myself with family that day. I should have spent the night with my parents so I could get up and enjoy the day and not be alone. The next time he had her on Christmas, that is what I did. I figured out how to enjoy myself without my daughter. For so many years my happiness was based on my child and being with her. She will figure it out. It's just new and of course your dh will get the backlash from her but overtime it becomes easier. I don't think she really deep down is worried about her kid waking up in her bed on christmas morning. It's quite possible that she is worried about what she (mom) will do and how she will survive a Christmas without her baby. Just one of those hurdles we have to over come when we get divorced.

 

EricaG87
by Bronze Member on Sep. 23, 2012 at 1:20 PM

Here Christmas Eve and Christmas day period are alternated seperately from the other Holidays. He has her for Thanksgiving and then BM has her for Easter.  Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are alternated from year to year.  This year he gets her for Christmas Eve period - from December 22nd at noon until Christmas Day at 10:00 A.M.  And BM gets Christmas day period from Christmas Day at 10:00 A.M. until December 28th at 6 p.m.  So while DF does get her on thanksgiving, technically BM will get her for almost all of Christmas day.  Next year when DF gets her for Christmas day period, she will wake up at BM's house and we will pick her up at 8:00 a.m. and have her for a couple days. BM will have her for Thanksgiving day, that year.

Quoting momof2ex1:

Why is he getting thanksgiving and christmas in the same year? I think this is what makes it an easy balance for me. We alternate those holidays. So I get thanksgiving while he has Christmas. Next year we alternate. Both are family oriented holidays. My family knows they won't see dd at Christmas so we are getting together for thanksgiving and dd will get her christmas this year on thanksgiving from my family and DH's family. Maybe they need to reevaluate that so neither has to go an entire year of no holidays. The switch makes it easier to accept.

 

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