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How is it selfish for DF to take the time with dd that's in the CO.

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 My DF hasn't had his daughter for any holidays, since he left BM when their dd was 3 1/2 year old, until this year (she is 6 now). BM took her for all holidays and DF had to find other days to celebrate the holiday on.  during those 2 1/2 years he never had his dd on her birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, fourth of july,  nothing. This isn't all BM's fault, DF was ignorant of his rights and BM simply took advantage of that.  Now that DF has recognized his rights and gone to court to make sure everything is in place, he is ready to start having some Holidays with his dd.  Now BM is all over him telling him it is selfish of him to take any of these holidays.  For example he gets their dd for Christmas Eve time period this year.  From noon on December 22nd until 10: a.m. on Christmas morning.  BM says that DF is being selfish and not doing what is best for their dd because she will want to wake up in her own bed Christmas morning.  She says he is being selfish because he gets her for Thanksgiving this year from 8 a.m. - 8 p.m. and that she should see both sides of her family on Thanksgiving (Where was that logic for the past two and a half years when she never got to even see her on dad, let alone his side of the family, on thanksgiving?!).  He has her for her birthday next year (BM had her for her birthday this past year and DF didn't get to see her because it was on BM's time) and now suddenly he's being a jerk and according to her he doesnt want to work together and doesnt have their dd's best interest at hear because he is planning on having his dd for her birthday. 

So according to her, it wasn't selfish of her, it wasn't outside the best interest of their dd, she wasn't being a jerk, when for the past 2 1/2 YEARS she kept their daughter from her father on every single holiday and birthday.  But now when DF wants to take advantage of half of the Holidays a year, she is throwing a fit and saying that he is a jerk, not putting their dd's best interest first and being selfish. Where is the logic in that!?

She's also pissed because he is going to take all 6 weeks of his summer parenting time next summer and because one of the blocks of parenting time is going to be 2 weeks long. She says "you're taking her from me for 2 weeks and makin it so i cant even see her on her birthday!"  He said "you have her for 2 weeks at a time all the time and I didn't see her on her birthday this year because it was your year for her birthday, what's the difference?". I just dont get this woman.  She is so self righteous and indignant when saying that suff, but she did all that and MORE to him. He's not doing this stuff to piss her off, he's taking advantage of his time with his daughter, to spend time with her and build memories and a relationship with her.

by on Sep. 22, 2012 at 4:06 PM
Replies (21-30):
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Sep. 23, 2012 at 1:39 PM
Why does he get her until 10am but gets to pick her up at 8am next year? Now see I don't see that as very fair. It should either always be 10 or always be 8. So neither year does mom get a real christmas morning with her kid. Before 8 would SUCK!! We get up at 8 at our house. Usually.


Quoting EricaG87:

Here Christmas Eve and Christmas day period are alternated seperately from the other Holidays. He has her for Thanksgiving and then BM has her for Easter.  Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are alternated from year to year.  This year he gets her for Christmas Eve period - from December 22nd at noon until Christmas Day at 10:00 A.M.  And BM gets Christmas day period from Christmas Day at 10:00 A.M. until December 28th at 6 p.m.  So while DF does get her on thanksgiving, technically BM will get her for almost all of Christmas day.  Next year when DF gets her for Christmas day period, she will wake up at BM's house and we will pick her up at 8:00 a.m. and have her for a couple days. BM will have her for Thanksgiving day, that year.


Quoting momof2ex1:

Why is he getting thanksgiving and christmas in the same year? I think this is what makes it an easy balance for me. We alternate those holidays. So I get thanksgiving while he has Christmas. Next year we alternate. Both are family oriented holidays. My family knows they won't see dd at Christmas so we are getting together for thanksgiving and dd will get her christmas this year on thanksgiving from my family and DH's family. Maybe they need to reevaluate that so neither has to go an entire year of no holidays. The switch makes it easier to accept.

 


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chanizen
by Platinum Member on Sep. 23, 2012 at 2:23 PM
It isn't selfish. But it is new. And if I were your dh, I would be very clearly making the following point to bm: your choices are to play by the court order or develop flexibility. Since you have been inflexible and blocking the relationship between dd and myself, I have to assume you will continue to do so. At this point, I need to see flexibility FROM you, bm, before I will consider giving any flexibility TO you.

It would be nice if this heralded a new era of working together. So go ahead, you can start it (bm). Working together would be good. But it doesn't mean you run the show.
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EricaG87
by Bronze Member on Sep. 23, 2012 at 2:48 PM

 Yeah, IDK why, it's just the way the reasonable rights of parenting guidelines are here. This is what it says:

"Christmas parenting time for the non-custodial parent consists of three (3) consecutive days, alternating yearly, these being either of the following:

Christmas EVE period of December 22 and noon through December 25 at 10:00 am.

Christmas DAY period of December 25 at 8:00 a.m. through December 27 at 8:00 a.m."

Quoting momof2ex1:

Why does he get her until 10am but gets to pick her up at 8am next year? Now see I don't see that as very fair. It should either always be 10 or always be 8. So neither year does mom get a real christmas morning with her kid. Before 8 would SUCK!! We get up at 8 at our house. Usually.


Quoting EricaG87:

Here Christmas Eve and Christmas day period are alternated seperately from the other Holidays. He has her for Thanksgiving and then BM has her for Easter.  Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are alternated from year to year.  This year he gets her for Christmas Eve period - from December 22nd at noon until Christmas Day at 10:00 A.M.  And BM gets Christmas day period from Christmas Day at 10:00 A.M. until December 28th at 6 p.m.  So while DF does get her on thanksgiving, technically BM will get her for almost all of Christmas day.  Next year when DF gets her for Christmas day period, she will wake up at BM's house and we will pick her up at 8:00 a.m. and have her for a couple days. BM will have her for Thanksgiving day, that year.


Quoting momof2ex1:

Why is he getting thanksgiving and christmas in the same year? I think this is what makes it an easy balance for me. We alternate those holidays. So I get thanksgiving while he has Christmas. Next year we alternate. Both are family oriented holidays. My family knows they won't see dd at Christmas so we are getting together for thanksgiving and dd will get her christmas this year on thanksgiving from my family and DH's family. Maybe they need to reevaluate that so neither has to go an entire year of no holidays. The switch makes it easier to accept.

 


 

ambie25
by on Sep. 23, 2012 at 5:40 PM
In that case, she's a horrible person for doing the same thing to dad. But, that's my opinion. Never once, when my boys father chooses to see them, have I ever refused. ESPECIALLY on a holiday. We always do half and half though. I get half of the day, he gets the other.


Quoting momof2ex1:

Actually if you read in to it what she is saying is he is a horrible person that doesn't care about her feelings. Has nothing to do with the kids.




Quoting ambie25:

Dh didn't know all these rules before we met either. He had his kids eowe. That's it. No phone calls, nothing. Now he gets eowe, every Wednesday over night, eo Friday on bm weekend for 2 hours. He never got a single holiday either. So he would spend every holiday without his kids. And if his weekend fell on a holiday, he just lost it. No make UPS, and if his weekend didn't fall near the holiday or birthday, what was the point in celebrating it with them? Personally, this is ridiculous. It is his fault for letting her get away with it, but really? She made the rules, he didn't have a choice. He couldn't afford a lawyer, he could barely afford to live. But when we got together, she wasn't allowing him to see them at all, for 2 months. We were together for 3 months when we decided to move in together. He hadn't seen his kids for 5 months. Well, after that, I brought home more money than him, and was able to help out enough for him to hire a lawyer to see his kids. When they went to court, he got a much better order. The one he has now. Bm was pissed. She said its all my fault. Ummm no! I was just able to help him out so he could do what he had been wanting to do for so long! And of course, she still refuses some holidays. Some regular visits and most phone calls as well. But, we do have a court date in October. Maybe it will get better. She says he's a horrible person who doesn't care about his children's feelings when they (mostly just ss now) spend holidays or anytime with us, but ss loves it. She will get over herself eventually, or at least I hope. Lol. Either that or she will just continue to be in contempt. The judge ordered this time, and its not fair for dad to miss out because they're no longer together. And not fair for the kids either. I guess my point is, don't let her get to you guys. What she's saying is beyond wrong! The best for the kids is to spend lots of time with both parents. Holidays included.


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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Sep. 23, 2012 at 5:56 PM
If it were me, and of course, I'm a lot nicer than most parents are to the other regardless of how crappy and selfish the other parent has been, I'd let mom have until 10 on my Christmas days bc really, now we are talking about a kid that has to wake up at 6am and then be ripped away from the new presents they just opened. But that's just me. Afterall, it only is a 'guideline'. I am usually the parent that gives and never receives but I usually give for the sake of my child, usually it has nothing to do with the other parent though.

Quoting EricaG87:

 Yeah, IDK why, it's just the way the reasonable rights of parenting guidelines are here. This is what it says:


"Christmas parenting time for the non-custodial parent consists of three (3) consecutive days, alternating yearly, these being either of the following:


Christmas EVE period of December 22 and noon through December 25 at 10:00 am.


Christmas DAY period of December 25 at 8:00 a.m. through December 27 at 8:00 a.m."


Quoting momof2ex1:

Why does he get her until 10am but gets to pick her up at 8am next year? Now see I don't see that as very fair. It should either always be 10 or always be 8. So neither year does mom get a real christmas morning with her kid. Before 8 would SUCK!! We get up at 8 at our house. Usually.



Quoting EricaG87:


Here Christmas Eve and Christmas day period are alternated seperately from the other Holidays. He has her for Thanksgiving and then BM has her for Easter.  Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are alternated from year to year.  This year he gets her for Christmas Eve period - from December 22nd at noon until Christmas Day at 10:00 A.M.  And BM gets Christmas day period from Christmas Day at 10:00 A.M. until December 28th at 6 p.m.  So while DF does get her on thanksgiving, technically BM will get her for almost all of Christmas day.  Next year when DF gets her for Christmas day period, she will wake up at BM's house and we will pick her up at 8:00 a.m. and have her for a couple days. BM will have her for Thanksgiving day, that year.



Quoting momof2ex1:

Why is he getting thanksgiving and christmas in the same year? I think this is what makes it an easy balance for me. We alternate those holidays. So I get thanksgiving while he has Christmas. Next year we alternate. Both are family oriented holidays. My family knows they won't see dd at Christmas so we are getting together for thanksgiving and dd will get her christmas this year on thanksgiving from my family and DH's family. Maybe they need to reevaluate that so neither has to go an entire year of no holidays. The switch makes it easier to accept.


 



 



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paknari
by on Sep. 23, 2012 at 6:02 PM
I think she is being horribly selfish but I also think that maybe you should try. To get slob enough to have a birthday party where all of you are present. Fake it for dd. all the other holidays are your right but you could split it Christmas eve/Christmas day because that is a pretty important holiday. We used to do tat just do that webcoukdnsplit time with she's family and mine.
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MomGoingCrazy78
by Lindy Lou on Sep. 23, 2012 at 7:56 PM

I don't think he's being selfish. It's her who's being selfish. Does she not realize she did not create that child on her own and that her child has a father who WANTS to be a part of your SD life. She will get over it, eventually. She really doesn't have a choice. BM in our sitch tried that crap at first, but my DH didn't back down and yes, it sucks every other year when you have to alternate the holidays, but it's best for SD to spend time at both houses and celebrate the holidays as both of her families do. This year we get SD for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. I know we have traditions that BM doesn't have and SD gets to experience that every other year. I'm sure BM does things with her that she gets to do every other year. That's just part of being in a split family.  Good luck and hang in there!!

loving2live
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 9:17 AM
Tell him don't argue; just say he looks forward to seeing his DD at the next visit. If BM won't turn DD over, file for contempt of court.

She probably will never refuse him the CO, but if she does, she will learn quickly that that is a good way to lose primary custody.

Just encourage DH not to engage in her arguing - the judge already settled the argument.
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tiredmama42
by Silver Member on Sep. 24, 2012 at 10:05 AM

Sounds like she is the selfish one.   She will have to learn to share that is what the CO is for.   Its a big adjustment for split families but it sounds like it has been all one sided for too long.   Hopefully it cools down because both parents have a right to her on holidays.    Good luck.

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Sep. 24, 2012 at 3:10 PM

 dont even engage with her. he tells her "i will have DD on my parenting time and thats it"

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