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I need help on how to deal with a grown stepdaughter who is to clingy to dad

Posted by on Sep. 25, 2012 at 4:02 PM
  • 22 Replies

I am a new stepmom this year to a 31 yr old who is married and has a son that is 10. He has autism and I find that she tends to use that as a crutch for so many things like being stressed, a filthy house, not feeling well...etc... I also have noticed that she tends to be to clingy to her dad. She is an only child and he raised her on his own from the time she was 12. I understand that it is important to be apart of your childs life but I feel like she takes advantage of that. I have three children, 2 of which are grown and in college and my youngest lives with us (16). I hear his daughter talk about needing a break all the time, wanting to go somwhere and party with her dad to get away from daily life....her son is in school 5 days a week and she doesn't hold a job...she has a break from him and has time for herself. Why am I supposed to be ok with my husband doing things with her all the time? I don't think it is ok to "party" with a bunch of people, who in my eyes are kids....late 20's and 30's. My husband is 55, I am 40.....I don't mind doing things with her but I do not see any need to be with her every weekend, I don't even do that with my kids. We went to a theme park this summer and she bitched because she didn't get to ride the rides she wanted to because she had her son and his cousin.....Hello....I am not a babysitter!! My kids went where they wanted to in the theme park and we met at certain times to check in, we stayed with his daughter the first part of the day and went our way alone after the check in time...I heard about it the next day from her still.....we went to the zoo and she still bitched because we didn't stay with them, asked where we were going and had something smart to say when we went off on our own. What am I doing wrong???? What is wrong with this girl? Is this normal for people or am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? I just want a normal relationship with my husband that doesn't include having to spend every moment he has off with her....What am I doing wrong?

by on Sep. 25, 2012 at 4:02 PM
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Replies (1-10):
justhavingfun.
by on Sep. 25, 2012 at 4:06 PM
I don't know about normal but its what you married. Weigh the pros and cons with this man and if this issue is something you can't deal with, well, you can take it from there.
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Maggie950
by on Sep. 25, 2012 at 4:09 PM

I know I married him, but this was not what was happening while we dated.....that is why I am asking for opinions on what I should do and how I should deal with this.

ramita
by Silver Member on Sep. 25, 2012 at 4:27 PM
I doubt there's much u can do besides ur fo ot down with dh who im turn needs to put his foot down. She will probably always be whiney/needy, but ur dh can control how much he lets her get away with.
DDDaysh
by on Sep. 25, 2012 at 5:21 PM

 So she just all of a sudden started hanging around?  That seems very odd. 

Quoting Maggie950:

I know I married him, but this was not what was happening while we dated.....that is why I am asking for opinions on what I should do and how I should deal with this.

 

Maggie950
by on Sep. 25, 2012 at 8:51 PM

Yes, she started wanting to go out and party and she wanted dad to be there every weekend.....I don' t know what to do.....It's like she is jealous or something. I really try to be nice but if something doesn't go her way she is pissed and lets all know it.

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Sep. 25, 2012 at 9:07 PM

Is your SD a single mom???

Bluetick
by on Sep. 25, 2012 at 10:03 PM

JMO.... im sure this is nothing new Im willing to bet when you dated your dh that he did the same things with his DD ----you cant change people

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Sep. 25, 2012 at 10:15 PM
My dh complains that we spend too much time with my parents. I won't change. I am close to my parents. I talk to both of my parents every day. All they have is each other .... And us kids. We have always been their life and that did not change when I grew up. I don't see the problem but maybe because I am the daughter here. But my parents want to be every where that we are.

Having an autistic child is exhausting, no matter how many hours there are in a day.

I'm also betting that this is not new behavior and dad was always doing these things with her, it was just not as noticable as now. also, she may be needy and whiny and bratty because she always has been the only child. (I seethis in my husband)

No one can change that but dad and if he doesn't see a problem with it, then what do you do?

She could have issues with your age difference. I remember my sister being all bent out of shape when my biodad married close to my sisters age. I liked her but my sister who is much closer to my biodad had a real issue with it.
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sassy711
by on Sep. 26, 2012 at 9:15 AM
1 mom liked this

The SD is likely stressed out from having an autistic child...and she's struggling with her need to be a good parent vs. her desire to have a "normal" life.  Dad is stepping up and helping out with his grandchild.  This is OK, BUT he needs to cut back on the enabling of the SD's immature behavior (going partying).  You and DH need to have a discussion about this...but he will be very defensive.  Consider counseling for the two of you.  Maybe DH doesn't realize that he's enabling his daughter.  You have a right to ask him to cut back of some of the time he helps out his DD WHEN she's using him to party.  At this time he may realize that he's being used and just doesn't know how to back out of some of it.  Your DH also has the right to spend time with his grandchild, but he needs to understand that the RESPONSIBILITY of the child is his DD, not his.  See if the counselor can help the 2 of you reach a compromise.  SD's behavior and attitude will always be this way as long as DH allows it.  Good luck 

Maggie950
by on Sep. 26, 2012 at 12:28 PM

No, she is not a single mom. She has been married for 13 years

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