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Why isn't it about what the...

Posted by on Sep. 30, 2012 at 4:22 PM
  • 58 Replies
3 moms liked this

parents do instead of what mom vs. sm does?

Why is there any debate that SM doing what she does for the kids should be respected or that mom should be grateful for it when the whole reason the kid is at dads house is to see dad and the courts assumed he would be doing the parenting, which includes the tedious stuff as well as the heavy lifting? 

Moms are expected to do these things,  but it seems on these boards that there are those who feel mom should be grateful there is another woman to do these things for her kid instead of expecting dad to be the equal parent that a lot of SMs claim he is...

So SM cleans and cooks and does laundry, but how does that make her any sort of mother figure?  Why is it expected by some SMs that moms should give a rat's behind she does for the kids what a nanny could or housekeeper could be doing and why is is almost expected by these same Sms that mom care that Sm and dad have decided the division of their household chores are split so that the woman does all the cleaning and cooking and look at it like she's doing the kids a big favor?

So, instead of what Sm is doing for the SK's why is there no debate on what SM's husband is doing for the kids when they are in his house instead of what his wife is doing?


by on Sep. 30, 2012 at 4:22 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Amy1973Potts
by on Sep. 30, 2012 at 4:51 PM
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We have 50/50. I do alot when.kids are here so SO can spend time with his children, not tending to tedious stuff. I in no way expect or care about what BM thinks. I don't need her blessing or validation. She is not a part of our family equation.
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kzuehlk
by on Sep. 30, 2012 at 4:54 PM
3 moms liked this
We have full custody and BM is a deadbeat, so I took on that motherly role. I do everything she should be doing for him, but she still thinks I'm a monster and that I'm over stepping. Parents and step parents need to work as a team and not expect that just mom or dad are doing the raising
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chipperer1ca
by on Sep. 30, 2012 at 5:05 PM
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When BMs had over their children to another woman to raise they SHOULD be thankful!! God made mothers for a reason. A father cannot be a mother.

Im a csm. BM sent SD 1500Mi away to live with us because SD was tough to deal with. But she kept her other daughter. So when i do "mom" things with her her BM should be appreciative of me. Because without me her daughter would not have the same quality of life as she has now.
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ProudmommyJess
by on Sep. 30, 2012 at 5:06 PM
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Probably because when a SM posts something it seems like she is being attacked for having a different home life. Or being told they aren't family because they aren't the skids BM. Why is it such a horrible thing that a BD has help with raising his kid? If BM & BD were still together both parents would contribute but because they split up they aren't allowed to rely on their spouse? This board feels more like judgment & attack instead of support or useful criticism.
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rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Sep. 30, 2012 at 5:17 PM
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I dont expect BM to be grateful, I doubt many other SMs do either. I just would hope that BM would be respectful of DH and I and we are respectful in return. But good god there is no way I will ever believe that what I do is equal to a babysitter, nor would the kids think that. My life would be completely different without skids, its a huge commitment that will effect me for life.
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Sep. 30, 2012 at 5:48 PM
I have no idea.
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Sep. 30, 2012 at 5:52 PM
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What about in different situations? I send my daughter eow to COd visits with her father 20 miles away. Why should I be grateful that he has someone else doing his duties for him while he works, goes to the gym, goes hunting, etc etc. obviously if I gave my child up for adoption I would be so grateful to the woman who will be my child's mother because I couldn't do it. But what about mom's that do want to do the mom things and expects dad to do the dad things .. But he doesn't. Should we be so grateful that he found someone to do his job for him? Shouldn't the graciousness come from dad and not mom? Since his Job is the one that is being done?


Quoting chipperer1ca:

When BMs had over their children to another woman to raise they SHOULD be thankful!! God made mothers for a reason. A father cannot be a mother.



Im a csm. BM sent SD 1500Mi away to live with us because SD was tough to deal with. But she kept her other daughter. So when i do "mom" things with her her BM should be appreciative of me. Because without me her daughter would not have the same quality of life as she has now.

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packermomof2
by on Sep. 30, 2012 at 6:09 PM


Quoting chipperer1ca:

When BMs had over their children to another woman to raise they SHOULD be thankful!! God made mothers for a reason. A father cannot be a mother.

Who said anything about handing the kids over?  And isn't mom handing their kid over to dad anyway? 
I'm talking about when the kids go to dad's house and spend time at mom's house.  Moms are expected to just do for their kids while all a man has to do is have the kids in his house and have his wife do the work of taking care of his kids to be golden.  I'm asking about why the comparisons on these boards, and in reality, aren't between the parents, the mom and the dad, instead of  a parent and a nonparent.


chipperer1ca
by on Sep. 30, 2012 at 6:13 PM
1 mom liked this
Obviously an eow sm isn't the same as a csm. I also am a BM and my kids eow sm won't even speak to me bc of my exh. I am still thankful she does things that are BF's responsibilities such as buying bday gifts or mailing cs checks. She treats my kids nicely and Im thankful for that.


Quoting momof2ex1:

What about in different situations? I send my daughter eow to COd visits with her father 20 miles away. Why should I be grateful that he has someone else doing his duties for him while he works, goes to the gym, goes hunting, etc etc. obviously if I gave my child up for adoption I would be so grateful to the woman who will be my child's mother because I couldn't do it. But what about mom's that do want to do the mom things and expects dad to do the dad things .. But he doesn't. Should we be so grateful that he found someone to do his job for him? Shouldn't the graciousness come from dad and not mom? Since his Job is the one that is being done?




Quoting chipperer1ca:

When BMs had over their children to another woman to raise they SHOULD be thankful!! God made mothers for a reason. A father cannot be a mother.





Im a csm. BM sent SD 1500Mi away to live with us because SD was tough to deal with. But she kept her other daughter. So when i do "mom" things with her her BM should be appreciative of me. Because without me her daughter would not have the same quality of life as she has now.


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SassyMom25
by Silver Member on Sep. 30, 2012 at 6:17 PM
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So basically BPs should find someone willing to support them so they can do all the 'parent' things for their kids (because working doesn't seem to be an option here)? Or forget the BPs working together to set a schedule so each parent gets the same amount of time, when they can each be home with their kids and still work full-time jobs. -that was all sarcasm- (We should all agree to disagree)

Women tend to stay home more than men. Its just the way things are, so yes SM is more likely to end up staying home with the kids than dad, just as BM may stay home with the kids while SF works. While in some cases, dad does slack off, but a lot of dads are doing what they were before the split (which is working while 'mom' stays home or is primarily with the kids). It doesn't really matter that BM and BD are split because in a lot of cases BM is still staying home (or working minimally) while SF works the majority. It seems that if both can't give equally, than neither can even try to.

To me, mom and dad don't have the same roles in raising their kids. So to me, there is no way to compare what mom does to what dad does.

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