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DH has a question for BM's &/or Wives that can help because I can't!

Posted by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 2:19 PM
  • 30 Replies

DH has a 3 year old son with the most rude person I have personally ever encountered. He and SS don't have the relationship that they should because of many reasons like distance, mostly him and BM not being able to get along or have a civilized conversation, inability to get visitation at the current moment and a number of other things. 

BM shows no interest since I've been in the picture for DH and SS to have a relationship. Before she found out about me it was so peaceful and I witnessed this myself. As sad as it is its true and I don't know her real reason for being so nasty now but there's def been a drastic change. 

She complains that DH isn't in SS's life enough and that he comes in and out, he doesn't do anything (he pays child support), etc. After me and her had an argument last year because of her disrespecting my husband, this year for SS's birthday she decided to be the bigger person and say "we're all adults why don't you come to his birthday party"...she gave him all the details and it was in the park which unfortunately was cancelled due to rain so DH called her to meet up with her and SS to give him his birthday gifts which she gave him a hard time about but eventually they came up with a mutual place but it was so hard for us to get there that she had been waiting for us so long to find where she was and find a park that she decided to leave and DH and SS got to see each other all of 15 minutes...smh. It was no one's fault and I understood her wanting to leave because it was hectic. DH suggested maybe he could take the kids to the zoo and she said sure but then when she realized he said kids with an S she said "wait...are you bringing them?...well my birthday is next weekend so i'll have to let you know if im busy or not." (them being me and my daughter) When SS saw DH and didn't know who he was...BM didn't say..."this is your dad" she just stood there. This was also after she told DH SS calls someone else daddy.

After that DH realized he had to do more to let SS know who he was and get familiar with him. So facetime, skype, phone calls and seeing him as much as possible. Which is all fine and great IF AND ONLY IF BM is willing to help and she's not. DH has been calling consistently talking to SS asking him how was school, telling that he's gonna come and see him soon so they can hang out. SS said he wants to go to the movies so everytime they talk DH reminds him that he's gonna take him. He also told him he was his dad since BM wasn't gonna do it. BM NEVER calls DH so he can talk to SS. She prefers he call her and everytime he calls there's an issue, either she's giving SS a bath, reading to him, she's eating or something where he needs to call back in 10-15mins or so. You would think its easier for her to just call him if she knows a particular day she has a lot going on at the time she's told him to call.

BM texted and called DH last night around 11pm as if her house was on fire which pissed DH off when she calls late at night for things that can wait until the next day. Her text said "call me...we have a problem". She starts screaming and cursing about how DH hadn't called SS in a few days and that SS had been asking "where is my daddy?" and saying "I want to go to the movies". So apparently she was angry that he forgot to call SS or either he got off work at a time where he was already sleep. DH asked BM why didn't she just call him if SS was asking about him. Her response is: "That's not my fucking job." as I said before this has been her attitude since I came in the picture and it really makes things hard...she wants to control DH..he doesn't wanna deal with her attitude and I just don't even know what to think.

The reason why I am asking you all's opinion is because I've never been a BM and I know many of you have children with your spouse and also with an ex or you know some crazy BM's. My opinion is just that she's crazy. There may be some reason for a little bit of the madness but I don't know how she expects things to change when she won't. I think its partially her responsibility to help SS remember DH as long as DH is doing his part because since she got pregnant she moved away from DH  but she thinks her job is to just be his mother and that has NOTHING to do with DH. It seems like if DH isn't meeting her standard of what a father should be then she's never happy. 

by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 2:19 PM
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by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 2:32 PM
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I dont want to sound rude, but it is not her job to make SS know who his father is. His father needs to be consistent in his life. That is the only way for SS to know who his dad is. My kids father THINKS that he is being active in their lives, but in reality he sees them once every 3 months and calls about once every other week. When he sees or speaks to them, they start acting up a lot more. Seeing him so inconsistently only hurts them, so Im not going to be the one to bring him up and reming them of all his (false) promises. My ex has a lot of "reasons" of why he cant see or speak to them more. I call them excuses. If your DH wants more time with his kid, tell him to ACTIVELY be a part of his life. Call him EVERY day. Let his son know he can always call him. And if she is being crazy about visitation, get a court order. NOTHING should keep a parent from their child. I see first hand what the outcome is.


by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 2:35 PM
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It sounds like most of the issues could be resolved by asking BM when would be a good time to call daily. Then follow it up by never, ever missing that phone call.
I see both sides to this and you may not like it, but BM is right. Do not talk about plans for visits with a 3yo. He can't read a calander. Everyday dad doesn't show up to take him to that movie is a huge disappointment to the kid. Dad said movie= kid thinks now. Then dad brings it up a few days later and it just jabs the knife in further. Don't discuss plans until you pick him up for the visit. Since the visits aren't regular (no CO?) don't discuss visits either! The kid honestly thinks dad is coming to get him now! Or atleast real soon! But it's not. Your DH is disrupting his kids schedule/ routine and breaking his heart. He is learning dad lies and is unreliable.
Instead of getting him worked up and excited about the next eventual visit talk about the kids day. Ask about his favorite toy or if he likes bubbles or no bubbles in his bath best? Sing with him... ABCs, I'm a little teapot, baa baa black sheep, etc. teaching the kid songs will engage him longer in the conversation.
Last, he's only 3. 3 whole minutes fully engaged in a phone call is a very long time at this age. If all you get is a hi and bye that is fine. Consistency over years will create longer phone conversations. It's like a 401k... It will accrue interest but you must be Consistant with your little investments.
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by Silver Member on Oct. 2, 2012 at 2:38 PM
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I need to know more important info.. do they have a CO? Is there a set visitation schedule?  How old was SS whent hey divorced?.. Seperated?  

by Gold Member on Oct. 2, 2012 at 2:50 PM
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Since he's only 3, she should help facilitate his communication.  However, she doesn't have to.  It would be better if she and your DH could agree on a call time, so that she'd know to expect the call and have SS ready.  Although from what you've described, SS may still not be available....

My DH is CP and we frequently remind the kids to call their mom.  She calls at times that are not always convenient to answer the phone (i.e., eating dinner), but they are told to call back.  I have a standing agreement with her for helping with HW over Skype several nights per week, same time each night.  She picked the time that works for her, and I make the effort to have dinner complete, baths over, and tvs off so that they are ready when she Skypes in.  Two way street.  DH hates her, but he's not going to stand in the way of her relationship with the kids because he loves his kids.  In your situation, the BM hasn't figured out to put her own feelings aside to ensure SS has daddy in his life.  That sucks.  But there's nothing you or your DH can do to change her.

by Ruby Member on Oct. 2, 2012 at 2:56 PM

 well, its not her job to facilitate a relationship between them. its only her job to make the kid available. "many reasons" is not a good reason to be estranged from your kid.

she might never be reasonable so he will have to man up and get visitation.

by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 3:12 PM

It is my belief that the BM does have moral responsibility but not a legal one to make the child available on a regular basis for visits and phone calls.  I agree with several replies that a CO and visitation schedule needs to be put in place so that there is no ambiguity on either parties part.  if DH is truly interested in a relationship with his little son, then he will move heaven and earth to make it happen and as a loving spouse you will help him in this effort.  You have the awesome opportunity to be a positive influence in this little ones life, take it seriously and enjoy it for all it's worth!!!

by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 3:28 PM
My dh goes through the same thing with his ex, she left state after refusing service of court papers so dh has had no contact with her since she shut off her phone. Your dh needs to figure out a way to talk to her, but not be a complete pushover. It's hard to do but in the mean time get a custody agreement set through the courts and follow it to a T!
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by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 3:34 PM
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Quoting Smiley2690:

So apparently she was angry that he forgot to call SS

I have a question for your DH ... how on Earth can you "forget" to call your child?

by Ruby Member on Oct. 2, 2012 at 3:55 PM
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In your post you say you have a daughter. But then you say you've never been a BM did I read that wrong?
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by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 4:08 PM

It is not her job to form that relationship between SS and DH. If DH wants to have a relationship with SS, then he needs to be proactive, he needs to not forget to call him, he needs to try to see him as often as he can. If there is no CO giving him regular visitation, then he needs to go get one if that's what he wants. BM can't do it for him. I don't want to sound mean. I really don't but this is how I see it from the stand point of a BM and also from a SM who has turned her life inside out trying to help BM and SKs form a relationship. It took me a while to realize I can't make BM want to be there or to call. Its up to BM to want that. And in your case, its up to DH to want it.

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