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The 'Evil Step-Mother' against the world...

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Well...that is a bit dramatic but let me explain.  I met my husband 5 years ago.  He had a daughter from a previous marriage and her and I hit it off immediately.  She had just turned 4.  We have since gained primary custody of her and she lives with us in a town about 100 miles from her birth mom.  Early on, her mom and I got along just fine.  Every year, however, the tides have begun to change.  I first thought it was jealously.  Then I thought it was her wanting all of the control.  I believe it is the latter.  Not only does she want control over her daughter, but she wants control over my husband.  In our home, we have high expectations for our kids (besides my step-daughter, we have a 3 year old and are expecting baby #3 in a month).  They are to treat everyone with respect, no talking back, be held accountable for their actions, participate in the family unit which includes helping out around the house based on their abilities, etc.  Recently, the tension has increased because my stepdaughter has told her mom that I am too hard on her.  When asked what I amI too hard on she said, "(I) make her do her homework again when it's messy" and "(I) make her do her chores".  To my disbelief, her mom agreed with her and now wants to have a private meeting with my husband to discuss my parenting.  I feel as if I have to parent my step daughter differently than my own kids when I don't see a difference in my family.  My step daughter is an incredibly intelligent, spunky young lady and I know she will succeed in anything she attempts if she applies herself.  How can I stand by and ignore her potential while respecting the wishes of her birth mother?  And how can I raise my biological kids in the same home and allow the oldest to treat people differently?  My husband is at a point where he just gives in to either his daughter or his ex-wife because it is easier.  I see this is a diservice to my step daughter.    Does anyone else experience something similar?  Frustrated, exhausted but ever hopeful...

by on Oct. 5, 2012 at 9:33 PM
Replies (21-23):
faerie75
by Platinum Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 1:52 PM

 i would be pissed at SO. i will not treat any kids "more special" in my home, they are the same....

cris1376
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 2:39 PM
1 mom liked this

YES!!!! Waving my hands in the air over here!!

 I love my hubby with everything in me and I swear some days I do everything but break out a cattle prod to get him to "see the light" when it comes to his ex and my SD.

He has such a lackadaisical attitude when it comes to his ex and confronting her parenting skills. Don't get me wrong he is a wonderful dad BUT he hates confrontation with the ex.

I will say this- he believes in you cannot change the "adult's" mind and ways (old dog not willing to learn new tricks sorta deal) BUT you can work on the child and of course here is the challenge when the BM has the SC's "back" YOU are the bad guy.

How many people grew up believing that they knew EVERYTHING and their parents were completely wrong? I am sure quite a few. You have to keep at it and remain strong regardless of BM's attitude.  I suggest sitting down and discussing with your SC how much she means to you and how much you love her and how you strive for her to do well because she can do well and you know she can. Make it about her and your love for her and hopefully she will understand you have her feelings in mind. Plus, she can tell you for herself what is wrong and you two can bond over this and work it out together instead of BM driving the wedge between you two.

I fear this same thing as my DH and I have pretty similar situations as you. I treat my SD just as I do my own children and believe in being equal in all things which not only include love and support but also the rules and discipline.

You and your DH maybe could go to counseling to ensure you to have and secure a strong alliance when it comes to dealing with the BM. You do not want her driving a wedge between the two of you either. Plus, your SC will one day realize it is your job as a parent to make sure she/he grows up happy and healthy to become a well-adjusted member of society.

 

 
shivasgirl
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 2:42 PM

we have a group for custodial stepmoms here if you would like the link just pm me

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