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Dont think I have ever felt so hurt in my life......**UPDATE**

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So on Saturday SS turned the big 19!! Him and DH went out to the local bar together and DH told me he would be having a chat with SS. he explained that him and gf are putting alot of stress on us as a couple and thst it has to stop, he expressed that it caused a fight on Friday and he said things to me he should have never said. SS came home that night and talked to gf, as well as appologized to me for causing the tension, gf has started pitching in around the house, she went and applied for a job at our local tea house (she told us that she has p/t work there helping with events and tidying rooms and doing house keeping when the local bed and breakfast has guests) so we will see how much work she takes and how it works out. Because we live in a small town its tough to get f/t work.

SS has decided that instead of a truck for his birthday a winter jacket would be more suitable. I am EXTREMELY proud of DH, I know it was probably not easy because I can understand why he would feel the need to compensate for the lost years. He has taken my side and has expressed to them both that we are NOT here to support them, we are here to help put a roof over their heads, assist them with getting on their feet out here in Alberta and are here to help build a relationship between father and son, but we are NOT here to be a free ride. Dh said he understands the situation that both SS and gf come from and if they came to us expecting a different lifestyle well they were sadly mistaken, we work on us and the two of them need to do the same.

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So after a few attempts to go for a 1.5 hour drive to pick up my SS and his GF's belongings out of a storage unit I found out tonight that my Saturday was volunteered and expected to go and get the task done, I have 3 of my own children, 2 of which are gone this weekend to their dad until sunday at 5:30pm...after finding out and being harped on to find out what time I was getting up, what time I aws plannin on leaving, what time we think we will get to the storage unit I called it quits, I went to bed where DH was already in bed (I was cleaning the kitchen) when I got to bed I told DH that I wasnt to pleased that I was volunteered to go and do this. He told me if I didnt like it than I guess something is not working and he will not have his son (who is 19 and his gf is 19)  leave because I am to selfish. I asked if he had any idea what I had planned for tomorrow and he said no but obviously its more important and now it looks like you will be house hunting.

I was than told that not only am I to be doing this but I also need to pay $259.00 for this damn storage unit, we have 3 children, all under the age of 8, we live on 1 income, and money is tight, I said if they are getting their things out of storage why do we have to pay for it? He said that SS's gf's MOTHER still has belongings in there and we have to pay it. Am I unreasonable for thinking it is NOT our responsibility to pay for this? Am I unreasonable for NOT wanting to spend an entire Saturday playing taxi driver to 2 ADULTS who dont work, just moved in with us and we have ALREADY given $700 to?? 

I am so upset I can barely type or think, we have been together for 4 years!!! My oldest 2 children are from a prevous relationship he said from day 1 that we are a backaged deal!! I recieve child support for my children and our son is 18 months old!! AM I WRONG HERE!! I am beside myself thinking I may be but I cant figure out HOW>!>!>!>!

by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:07 AM
Replies (11-20):
Derdriu
by Gold Member on Oct. 6, 2012 at 10:15 AM
1 mom liked this
Does he give you these types of ultimatums often? That's emotional blackmail. If I were you, I'd look for an exit plan. A 19-yo (adult!) he doesn't know should not come before his wife and infant. He'd really throw away a marriage over this?
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DDDaysh
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 11:07 AM
Is the single income him? If so, time to get a job so you can get out.
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rebeccasmly
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 11:16 AM

This is exactly what I was thinking. If I read it correctly, I would run. I've been there before, its not a good place to be.

Quoting whatIknownow:

wait wait wait hold the phone.

What does "now  it looks like you will be house hunting" mean?

Is he saying he wants a divorce because you are complaining about being shanghai'd into doing this moving thing for SS? Is that what he is saying???

If so, you have a much bigger problem. now it's not a question of, is it fair to expect you to drive and pay and whatever for SS. Now the bigger question is, how does he jump straight to "our marriage is over" because of a disagrement over something like this?

That is emotional abuse. Please tell me I simply read that wrong.


mrsboomtastic
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 11:54 AM
1 mom liked this
Whao... Why hasn't he been involved before now, where's mom


Besides that...

No you're thinking and feelings are completely acceptable


Quoting TheMomOf3-00:

Oh, and SS's birthday is tomorrow, he wants dad to buy him a truck!!! 

This is the 1st time he has EVER lived with his dad and the 2nd time he has ever met his dad!!!!

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TheMomOf3-00
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:05 PM

SS has been inour house for 3 weeks, DH works and I do part time work as well as run a horse rescue (not ALOT of income, main goal is finding good horses good homes) DH is still our #1 form of income, he busts ass 12-19 hours a day to live the life that we live. He has been stressed since SS came to live with us, after the comment lastnight I went to sleep in the kids bed (2 or 3 are at their dads this weekend) and it didnt take more than 5 minutes for him to come in and him to express to me that  he feels terrible, that he should have never said something like that. He is EXTREMELY excited to have SS here, he did not know him his entire life, they met for a short 5 days when SS was 16 and now, he lives with us. 

SS and his GF BOTH come from low income chilldhoods, DH and I own 2 farms and are living on a farm belonging to someone else right now so that DH can assist with harvest, winter seeding and so on. We rented out the 2 houses that we own and moved further away from the city because the city creeped to close to where we were living.

When SS's gf found out we did not own the house we are living in she got snotty and asked "I thought you said you owned all this land?" I am starting to wonder if the two of them have come to live with us for more reasons than just to see/be with SS's dad. I have a tough time addressing this with DH because I dont want to upset him, I dont know if it is my place to say or not. I dont want to point fingers or assume, BUT sooo many things are leading me to believe.

And for the record, DH has NEVER before given an ultimatum before. He has never requested a divorce, he has never said to find a neew house. Lastnight was a first and it hit hard!!! I am pleassed that he came after and explained his possition, I feel terrible for him to be putt in this possition!!! The reason he went the 6 years from the last time he saw SS was becasue at the last visit SS stole a car from him, drove it into the field and totalled it, he hit a combine rut and he DID NOT tell DH what had happened, DH had to figure it out on his own!!!

I am stuck for what to do, I told him I refuse to pay for the storage unit, I refuse to drive them in because we later found out that because of the arears on the storage unit the kids can not get their belongings, leaving the trip to the unit absolutely pointless!!

I dont know I guess the advise part has now turned into a vent. :s I cant help but feel terrible for DH because in the beginning things were going great, than after they watched the younger kids for us and painted a fence for DH we paid them $200.00, when they were in the city before they came here we sent them $500.00, I cant help but feel like we made this situation happen, and now the hands just keep being put out and keep asking for more :s

As I sit here at 10am and write this SS's gf came upstairs and asked point blank, do you have any idea when we will be leaving, I said nope, DH took the truck and has gone to work.

TheMomOf3-00
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:09 PM

BM is in British Columbian, we are in Alberta, BM took SS when he was 16 months old and left, DH tried to go threw the court system to find him, and did not succeed, after 4 years DH packed up and moved to Alberta, he was 19 when SS was born, it has always been a situation I didnt ask many questions about it, but I knew he exsisted, I knew what had happened and I know that after the 4 years DH ortof gave up.

Quoting mrsboomtastic:

Whao... Why hasn't he been involved before now, where's mom


Besides that...

No you're thinking and feelings are completely acceptable


Quoting TheMomOf3-00:

Oh, and SS's birthday is tomorrow, he wants dad to buy him a truck!!! 

This is the 1st time he has EVER lived with his dad and the 2nd time he has ever met his dad!!!!


mrsboomtastic
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:18 PM
So daddy is making you bend over backwards for an adult kid he doesn't know. Well hot damn...

Who is the 1 income?


Quoting TheMomOf3-00:

BM is in British Columbian, we are in Alberta, BM took SS when he was 16 months old and left, DH tried to go threw the court system to find him, and did not succeed, after 4 years DH packed up and moved to Alberta, he was 19 when SS was born, it has always been a situation I didnt ask many questions about it, but I knew he exsisted, I knew what had happened and I know that after the 4 years DH ortof gave up.


Quoting mrsboomtastic:

Whao... Why hasn't he been involved before now, where's mom





Besides that...



No you're thinking and feelings are completely acceptable




Quoting TheMomOf3-00:

Oh, and SS's birthday is tomorrow, he wants dad to buy him a truck!!! 

This is the 1st time he has EVER lived with his dad and the 2nd time he has ever met his dad!!!!


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
TheMomOf3-00
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:23 PM

DH is #1 income. He makes the money, he supports. I run a horse rescue in my spare time.

After we talked lastnight he has come to understand how I feel we are being used, he said to me that he cant help but try to please because for 19 years he did not p ay for SS.

I said tough, if SS felt that way once he turned 18 he had the chance to take DH for Cunpaid child support and SS did not choose to do that, instead he moves in and expects the world!!!

TheMomOf3-00
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:27 PM

I dont feel it is so much SS asing but his gf tho to be completely honest.

She has already told us that growing up the food bank was a regular thing for her and her mom, she lived in houses where there were huge spiders that "attacked" her, but she complains about tiny harmless spiders in their bedroom and asks constantly for spray or exterminators,  the spiders are the size of a pencil erraser. I was told the spiders in BC were the size of her hand....

mrsboomtastic
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:33 PM

 STAND YOUR GROUND!!!!

honestly i feel like they are looking for a hand out

Quoting TheMomOf3-00:

SS has been inour house for 3 weeks, DH works and I do part time work as well as run a horse rescue (not ALOT of income, main goal is finding good horses good homes) DH is still our #1 form of income, he busts ass 12-19 hours a day to live the life that we live. He has been stressed since SS came to live with us, after the comment lastnight I went to sleep in the kids bed (2 or 3 are at their dads this weekend) and it didnt take more than 5 minutes for him to come in and him to express to me that  he feels terrible, that he should have never said something like that. He is EXTREMELY excited to have SS here, he did not know him his entire life, they met for a short 5 days when SS was 16 and now, he lives with us. 

SS and his GF BOTH come from low income chilldhoods, DH and I own 2 farms and are living on a farm belonging to someone else right now so that DH can assist with harvest, winter seeding and so on. We rented out the 2 houses that we own and moved further away from the city because the city creeped to close to where we were living.

When SS's gf found out we did not own the house we are living in she got snotty and asked "I thought you said you owned all this land?" I am starting to wonder if the two of them have come to live with us for more reasons than just to see/be with SS's dad. I have a tough time addressing this with DH because I dont want to upset him, I dont know if it is my place to say or not. I dont want to point fingers or assume, BUT sooo many things are leading me to believe.

And for the record, DH has NEVER before given an ultimatum before. He has never requested a divorce, he has never said to find a neew house. Lastnight was a first and it hit hard!!! I am pleassed that he came after and explained his possition, I feel terrible for him to be putt in this possition!!! The reason he went the 6 years from the last time he saw SS was becasue at the last visit SS stole a car from him, drove it into the field and totalled it, he hit a combine rut and he DID NOT tell DH what had happened, DH had to figure it out on his own!!!

I am stuck for what to do, I told him I refuse to pay for the storage unit, I refuse to drive them in because we later found out that because of the arears on the storage unit the kids can not get their belongings, leaving the trip to the unit absolutely pointless!!

I dont know I guess the advise part has now turned into a vent. :s I cant help but feel terrible for DH because in the beginning things were going great, than after they watched the younger kids for us and painted a fence for DH we paid them $200.00, when they were in the city before they came here we sent them $500.00, I cant help but feel like we made this situation happen, and now the hands just keep being put out and keep asking for more :s

As I sit here at 10am and write this SS's gf came upstairs and asked point blank, do you have any idea when we will be leaving, I said nope, DH took the truck and has gone to work.

 

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