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Hiya!

Posted by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 1:59 PM
  • 47 Replies

I am a "newbie" to all of this and have never really blogged or joined an online group before. That being said I joined Cafe Mom because I am a divorced parent to two older teen girls (19 and 17 year olds) plus I am the step-mama to a 5 year old.

My husband is honestly the greatest man in the world! He looks like The Rock (for those who do not know who he is Google/Bing Dwayne Johnson) and sounds like Vin Diesel. Not only is he supah sexy but he is an AMAZING husband and even more AMAZING daddy!

Now here comes the yucky part that bursts our cute bubble....The ex-wife.

I have never met a more controlling, manipulative, deceitful and bitter person EVER in my 30*something years!

She despises me for a multitude of reasons that honestly are all her own issues.

My ex-husband and I are friends (we even lived together after our divorce). My ex is remarried and even though she and my younger child do not always see eye to eye (I mean who really can with a teenager? LOL) She is a good, respectable person and I value her being in our daughters lives.

This is SO NOT THE CASE with my hubby's ex.

Truth be told; even though my hubby is 6' 8", the BM mentally and emotionally abused him on a regular basis when they were married and tried to continue this behavior throughout the divorce and to this day.

She undermines and contradicts EVERYTHING he says and does plus, she always belittles and bullies him. Everything is a "competition" with her to and through their daughter. I believe, firmly, that she has behavior mental disorder and she was extremely overweight (she's lost some but is still heavy). Now I know your probably thinking I am being petty about that BUT the issue with the weight was she made my husband feel like it was ALL his fault for her being obese ( I am also NOT knocking anyone for being overweight btw) and also for everything that was wrong in her life!!! Hello take accountability for your life!

She told anyone who would listen that my DH was a monster which is the furthest thing from the truth! He is a loving, caring and compassionate man who helps anyone and makes a friend wherever he goes.

He sumed it up the best about their marriage and why it didnt work; when you are constantly fighting with someone and you are always made to be wrong or argumentative when you voiced your opinion, you def do not want to kiss & cuddle! She pushed him away because she was miserable with her own self. In the process she felt she was entitled to take their daughter too!

My DH and SD have an adorable bond and my DH fought hard to make sure he had joint legal and physical custody of his little girl. He has always been a HUGE part of his little girls' life.

Until recently we used to have my SD 2 weeks every month until she started school (we live several states apart) and bow its eow and holidays. It's cruel and unfair. It is also because BM is extremely selfish- SHE had to be happy and moved 5-6 hours away and back in with her parents. The household my SD lives in with her mom has 4 generations under one roof- sounds cute right? Nope- it's ridiculous because my SD sees her mom being raised as well and doesn't know WHO the parent is in that household! Unlike our home where it is my DH and I and we are the parents. My SD talks to her mom like they are equal and she is only 5!

What's worse my SD's meltdowns that occur EVERY SINGLE TIME my SD has to leave us! She sobs and wails and it breaks our hearts to no end yet her mom just stands there and smiles!!!!!

My SD and I have a wonderful relationship and she absolutely adores me (as I do her too!) and I swear I just do not get why this "woman" does the things she does to her own daughter! I do not believe I am better than anyone but I sure as hello kitty would NEVER use my children as a weapon or see them as a possession! I thank God everyday that my ex-hubby and I never put our kids through that!

Believe me it was not perfect or we wouldn't be divorced but we never, ever used our children as she has and I am not being biased here- My hubby, being the wonderful person he is, ALWAYS has his daughters best interest in mind! He, even though myself and others have suggested it numerous times, he could NEVER take their daughter away from the BM.....He would never want to hurt his daughter like how her mom has done.

Yet that poor little girl hurts everyday without her dad!!  

Sorry to have ranted so long but damn it makes me so angry and you would think she would count her blessings and be happy but gawd is she a miserable person!

I guess it's true- you don't know what you've got until it's gone!

 

 

by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 1:59 PM
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Replies (1-10):
amonkeymom
by Amy on Oct. 8, 2012 at 2:22 PM
1 mom liked this

Welcome to the group!

Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 2:23 PM
1 mom liked this

Welcome to the group! I would suggest you just try to avoid BM as much as you can!

Seriously just let DH deal with her everytime. You'll be better off in the end. Don't let her take up any headspace-just keep raising those kiddies and enjoy your time with them!

cris1376
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 2:46 PM

 Thanks! I really wish it was that easy to just back off but my DH has to meet her eow to get his daughter and he refuses to go alone and be around the BM because she tries every attempt to talk to him so she can belittle him and manipulate him. I have seen it a lot where he will say one thing and she totally twists it! For example- she asked (this was way back in the beggining) if he was taking his daughter for the weekend. He said he would and when he called the Thurs before to firm up the plans & stated they would meet Fri night and then again Sun night she was like I thought you were taking her all week??!! THAT was NEVER discussed and she did this in hopes that HE would let their daughter down...First off WHY would you do that to your own child??? What I dont get is her dad abonded her mom and sister SO WHY would you want to have your daughter have the same "daddy issues"????!!!! I have been reading a really great book called How to live successfully with screwed up people and its helping me a lot. The BM normally has no room in our lives and mainly we only have an issue when we do the drop off and p/u for my SD. My poor SD actually clung to my leg once and wouldnt let me go when she had to go back to her mom :(  We had her in counseling when we had her 2 weeks every month BUT BM is dragging her feet and fights my DH on everyone he chooses when it comes to finding a therapist in her state. Its so sad and my heart breaks for my SD & DH.

cris1376
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 2:48 PM

 Oh and we did keep my SD for the week!! Everytime she's done some screwy scenerio we've worked around her! The focus should be the SD but the BM makes it ALL about her! It's so selfish and juvenile.

LovingMy2x4
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 3:00 PM

Does he have grounds to win custody if he tried? I know he doesnt want to hurt her, but he might be hurting her worse if it is that bad. As adult, when I speak to my Dad about my childhood, he says that if he knew it was that bad he would have tried to get full custody. And looking back, I wish he had. 

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Oct. 8, 2012 at 3:07 PM
1 mom liked this

 

Quoting cris1376:

 

She undermines and contradicts EVERYTHING he says and does plus, she always belittles and bullies him. Everything is a "competition" with her to and through their daughter. I believe, firmly, that she has behavior mental disorder and she was extremely overweight (she's lost some but is still heavy). Now I know your probably thinking I am being petty about that BUT the issue with the weight was she made my husband feel like it was ALL his fault for her being obese ( I am also NOT knocking anyone for being overweight btw) and also for everything that was wrong in her life!!! Hello take accountability for your life!

I think a lot of women blame exes or DHs for their weight gain! LOL  BM in my case would probably do the same thing and say he was the one that got her pregnant! l LOL  Again, IGNORE her.  WHO CARES if she thinks ex is the reason why she's fat.

She told anyone who would listen that my DH was a monster which is the furthest thing from the truth! He is a loving, caring and compassionate man who helps anyone and makes a friend wherever he goes.

Who cares what other people think about your DH?  She can spout off all she wants, but WHO CARES?  Don't let it bother you.

Until recently we used to have my SD 2 weeks every month until she started school (we live several states apart) and bow its eow and holidays. It's cruel and unfair. It is also because BM is extremely selfish- SHE had to be happy and moved 5-6 hours away and back in with her parents. The household my SD lives in with her mom has 4 generations under one roof- sounds cute right? Nope- it's ridiculous because my SD sees her mom being raised as well and doesn't know WHO the parent is in that household! Unlike our home where it is my DH and I and we are the parents. My SD talks to her mom like they are equal and she is only 5!

How do you now that BM is still being raised? Just wondering how you figured that out.

TIME my SD has to leave us! She sobs and wails and it breaks our hearts to no end yet her mom just stands there and smiles!!!!!

I think a lot of kids do this.  My skids used to throw themselves on the floor when BM would come to pick them up.  BM would just stand there and roll her eyes.  Really, what is BM supposed to do?  Yell at her DD to get in the car or something?  Maybe she's just embarrassed and all she can do is smile?

Anyway, I think your best bet is to just ignore BM and let DH handle her.  He's a big boy and shoud be able to deal with her on his own, you shouldn't have to go hold his hand whenever he has to go meet her.  And he should just say, "Hi", "Thanks" and "Bye" when picking up his DD.  That way she can't draw him in or twist his words up.  Tell him to LEATHER UP!!!!!  And I'm saying this in the nicest way possible.  He needs to grow a pair and be firm with BM. 

 

 

KellyReedy
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 3:24 PM
1 mom liked this

Hi WELCOME!  That is horrible.  It sounds like SHE will never change and hopefully one day SD can move in with you.  I would document everything.  Good luck!  poor littlle girl!

Blend in!

cris1376
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 3:29 PM

It bothers me that she rants to people about my DH cause his daughter hears it too and what her mom is saying about her dad. I am FIRM BELIEVER in the child is 50% You 50% Him and if you call either parent names and such well you are calling that child names too! I know we dont live in a perfect world or none of us would be on here! My SD cried to me that she heard her mom call me a stupid bitch. I just wish she would put her daughter first and foremost instead of always making it about her.

Her mom and dad hold her hand every step of the way- she sometimes brings her parents with her to the drop-off/p/u's and they literally treat and even talk to her in gibberish like a baby- it makes my stomach turn! They tell her how to run her life- and she is also lazy-that is why she wanted to live with them again (she's 32 and happily living at home with her parents and shares a room with her younger sister!).

He has gone before and done the drop-ff/p/us without me but I have seen first hand how she picks a fight with him with their daughter right there and even stood in the door to the vehicle while he was trying to leave. What "worried" me before was she was trying to get (and failed at) full custody of my SD. So its not so much anymore that I stress over- I guess I was just ranting cause we had to deal with her over this past weekend and the salt is still in the wounds ya know.

cris1376
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 3:41 PM

 

Quoting LovingMy2x4:

Does he have grounds to win custody if he tried? I know he doesnt want to hurt her, but he might be hurting her worse if it is that bad. As adult, when I speak to my Dad about my childhood, he says that if he knew it was that bad he would have tried to get full custody. And looking back, I wish he had. 

 They won't grant full custody to either parent (from what an attorney told us) because neither parent is neglectful enough to terminate the other parents rights. Plus, my SD does love her mom but I think a lot of it with my SD is anxiety cause she wants so bad to be with us AND her mom. It's tough on the poor kid and as many of my friends who I have seen first hand struggle to be single moms you would think the ex would be a little more appreciative (not saying my husband should be praised for doing his job) but just make it more about their daughter. I know I KEEP saying that over and over again but there are soooooo many examples where we have asked for my SD to stay w/ us because of something going on that my SD wanted to take part in and the ex was like NOPE w/o even thinking of her daughter and said no for no good reason. Whats funny is we just went to visit my SD cause her mom was okay with the fact that they (DH & SD) wouldnt see each other for a month & my hubby just found an email where the BM said their daughter should never be away from her for a month at a time!! We did the joint legal/physical custody and we always inform mySD that anytime she wishes she can live with us. Whats sad is she is already being guilted into "she cant leave her mommy cause she will be sad and all alone".....Its pathetic but I do hope in due time my SD can and will chose to live with us.

cris1376
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 3:42 PM

 

Quoting sandeeyo:

 

Quoting cris1376:

 

She undermines and contradicts EVERYTHING he says and does plus, she always belittles and bullies him. Everything is a "competition" with her to and through their daughter. I believe, firmly, that she has behavior mental disorder and she was extremely overweight (she's lost some but is still heavy). Now I know your probably thinking I am being petty about that BUT the issue with the weight was she made my husband feel like it was ALL his fault for her being obese ( I am also NOT knocking anyone for being overweight btw) and also for everything that was wrong in her life!!! Hello take accountability for your life!

I think a lot of women blame exes or DHs for their weight gain! LOL  BM in my case would probably do the same thing and say he was the one that got her pregnant! l LOL  Again, IGNORE her.  WHO CARES if she thinks ex is the reason why she's fat.

She told anyone who would listen that my DH was a monster which is the furthest thing from the truth! He is a loving, caring and compassionate man who helps anyone and makes a friend wherever he goes.

Who cares what other people think about your DH?  She can spout off all she wants, but WHO CARES?  Don't let it bother you.

Until recently we used to have my SD 2 weeks every month until she started school (we live several states apart) and bow its eow and holidays. It's cruel and unfair. It is also because BM is extremely selfish- SHE had to be happy and moved 5-6 hours away and back in with her parents. The household my SD lives in with her mom has 4 generations under one roof- sounds cute right? Nope- it's ridiculous because my SD sees her mom being raised as well and doesn't know WHO the parent is in that household! Unlike our home where it is my DH and I and we are the parents. My SD talks to her mom like they are equal and she is only 5!

How do you now that BM is still being raised? Just wondering how you figured that out.

TIME my SD has to leave us! She sobs and wails and it breaks our hearts to no end yet her mom just stands there and smiles!!!!!

I think a lot of kids do this.  My skids used to throw themselves on the floor when BM would come to pick them up.  BM would just stand there and roll her eyes.  Really, what is BM supposed to do?  Yell at her DD to get in the car or something?  Maybe she's just embarrassed and all she can do is smile?

Anyway, I think your best bet is to just ignore BM and let DH handle her.  He's a big boy and shoud be able to deal with her on his own, you shouldn't have to go hold his hand whenever he has to go meet her.  And he should just say, "Hi", "Thanks" and "Bye" when picking up his DD.  That way she can't draw him in or twist his words up.  Tell him to LEATHER UP!!!!!  And I'm saying this in the nicest way possible.  He needs to grow a pair and be firm with BM. 

 

 

 Sorry I am getting used to how to use the forum and responded to you below!

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