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I am a "newbie" to all of this and have never really blogged or joined an online group before. That being said I joined Cafe Mom because I am a divorced parent to two older teen girls (19 and 17 year olds) plus I am the step-mama to a 5 year old.

My husband is honestly the greatest man in the world! He looks like The Rock (for those who do not know who he is Google/Bing Dwayne Johnson) and sounds like Vin Diesel. Not only is he supah sexy but he is an AMAZING husband and even more AMAZING daddy!

Now here comes the yucky part that bursts our cute bubble....The ex-wife.

I have never met a more controlling, manipulative, deceitful and bitter person EVER in my 30*something years!

She despises me for a multitude of reasons that honestly are all her own issues.

My ex-husband and I are friends (we even lived together after our divorce). My ex is remarried and even though she and my younger child do not always see eye to eye (I mean who really can with a teenager? LOL) She is a good, respectable person and I value her being in our daughters lives.

This is SO NOT THE CASE with my hubby's ex.

Truth be told; even though my hubby is 6' 8", the BM mentally and emotionally abused him on a regular basis when they were married and tried to continue this behavior throughout the divorce and to this day.

She undermines and contradicts EVERYTHING he says and does plus, she always belittles and bullies him. Everything is a "competition" with her to and through their daughter. I believe, firmly, that she has behavior mental disorder and she was extremely overweight (she's lost some but is still heavy). Now I know your probably thinking I am being petty about that BUT the issue with the weight was she made my husband feel like it was ALL his fault for her being obese ( I am also NOT knocking anyone for being overweight btw) and also for everything that was wrong in her life!!! Hello take accountability for your life!

She told anyone who would listen that my DH was a monster which is the furthest thing from the truth! He is a loving, caring and compassionate man who helps anyone and makes a friend wherever he goes.

He sumed it up the best about their marriage and why it didnt work; when you are constantly fighting with someone and you are always made to be wrong or argumentative when you voiced your opinion, you def do not want to kiss & cuddle! She pushed him away because she was miserable with her own self. In the process she felt she was entitled to take their daughter too!

My DH and SD have an adorable bond and my DH fought hard to make sure he had joint legal and physical custody of his little girl. He has always been a HUGE part of his little girls' life.

Until recently we used to have my SD 2 weeks every month until she started school (we live several states apart) and bow its eow and holidays. It's cruel and unfair. It is also because BM is extremely selfish- SHE had to be happy and moved 5-6 hours away and back in with her parents. The household my SD lives in with her mom has 4 generations under one roof- sounds cute right? Nope- it's ridiculous because my SD sees her mom being raised as well and doesn't know WHO the parent is in that household! Unlike our home where it is my DH and I and we are the parents. My SD talks to her mom like they are equal and she is only 5!

What's worse my SD's meltdowns that occur EVERY SINGLE TIME my SD has to leave us! She sobs and wails and it breaks our hearts to no end yet her mom just stands there and smiles!!!!!

My SD and I have a wonderful relationship and she absolutely adores me (as I do her too!) and I swear I just do not get why this "woman" does the things she does to her own daughter! I do not believe I am better than anyone but I sure as hello kitty would NEVER use my children as a weapon or see them as a possession! I thank God everyday that my ex-hubby and I never put our kids through that!

Believe me it was not perfect or we wouldn't be divorced but we never, ever used our children as she has and I am not being biased here- My hubby, being the wonderful person he is, ALWAYS has his daughters best interest in mind! He, even though myself and others have suggested it numerous times, he could NEVER take their daughter away from the BM.....He would never want to hurt his daughter like how her mom has done.

Yet that poor little girl hurts everyday without her dad!!  

Sorry to have ranted so long but damn it makes me so angry and you would think she would count her blessings and be happy but gawd is she a miserable person!

I guess it's true- you don't know what you've got until it's gone!

 

 

by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 1:59 PM
Replies (41-47):
Pero1
by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 10:06 AM


Quoting cris1376:

 No we cannot move. We just bought a home.

He has been emailing the teacher regularly now that this field trip issue has come about. He cannot take off from work to be there eow.

She is blocked from everything (we only have FB anyways).

He also emailed BM and copied/paste her own words into the email where she said such and such- she just ignores it. I guess it is better to always want to be right then have your child be happy!

Again, Cris, you cannot change her. You can only change yourself, your circumstances ... or rant and moan! Ranting and moaning isn't bad. But if you stick around long enough you'll realise that many members do just that, for years, weekly, often daily! (note: this isn't targetting at any specific members), yet NOTHING ever changes. Same shit, different day!

It eats you up. I've been there! It cost me a relationship prior to my DF (not sad about that now, but at the time it was), because all we really had to talk about was how bad DD's BF was. Ultimately, my then-partner told me he felt like in a threesome, in a relationship with me and a bloke.

You have to find a healthy balance, have to find a way to keep her out of your house, physically and her ghost as well. Your DH doesn't have to talk to her, and he absolutely shouldn't get into slanging matches with her, where he quotes what she says etc. Because he is fuelling the fire ...

By all means, note it down, print her emails, etc. etc. But he shouldn't discuss with her.

jlg12678
by Gold Member on Oct. 9, 2012 at 11:53 AM

1.  You cannot win when dealing with someone who is simply toxic.  If I were you and your dh I would stop interacting with bm at all unless it is specifically about your sd.  All other conversations she has about anything crazy (like her weight gain) you need to walk away from/shut down. As an example, don't defend or copy and paste crap she's said. If she emails a bunch of shit and only one sentence is about the kid respond to that and that alone if it's necessary.  I would personally shut her out of my life completely and would stop trying to understand why she behaves as she does as it's simply not worth your time/energy/happiness.

To be honest, I don't understand why if you guys live five hours away that there is so much negative interaction. My dh and I willingly moved two hours away from his ex who is also toxic and has no boundaries.  It was a good choice for us. The distance has greatly lessened her presence in our lives as we do NOT have to deal with her in person or on a remotely consistent basis. We love it. Set some boundaries for your home regarding how much you respond/discuss her and get some peace in your lives. 

2. I would keep your sd out of any and all discussions regarding custody, placement, bm's behavior, etc.  This kid sounds like she is in the middle.  I understand that it is VERY hard to keep quiet especially when you deal with a parent who comments all the time but you guys really need to try to do so. 

You only have control over your home and your life. I would work on not focusing on bm and just work on making your own home a happy place. Good luck with this as I know it's hard. I also have a very good relationship with my ex and his spouse and I had a very hard time at first undestanding why bm acted like a crazy person most of the time.  I stopped comparing the two situations and have learned to focus on me and I what I have control over.

TigaHotty85
by Member on Oct. 9, 2012 at 11:57 AM


Quoting cris1376:

Quoting TigaHotty85:

I'm not sure I am understanding you on this? NCP's Spouse/SM can't do anything about it. Belive me my situation you dont even wanna know its so bad! But where I live the judge just takes BM's side even if she lies and we show proof of the lies. BM even indangered the childs life twice! Judge just said birth mom is her mom and will not take child fully away from her. Wont even give us Extended parenting time like she has (We have 3 weekends each month durring school and eoweek durring summer)). I myself as the SM have tried my hardest to do things or say things that I see or whatever. I am always told by the judge or other people even on here that I am the SM only and only DH can do anything about it. I as the SM have to sit quietly on the sidelines and watch what goes on and can do nothing about it. So i'm just not sure as to what you ment by NCP's spouse and leaving that child in that bad situation knowing it isn't good for them.

Not bashing, I just am not understanding where you are comming from saying that NCP's spouse is able to do anything about Skids.


 

Quoting kristinbugg:

I have found that it is often the case that NCP (or NCP's spouse) often whine about how badly CP is parenting the children, yet they never do anything about it. Is it not a grave diservice to your child to leave them in a situation you KNOW is not good for them, yet you never lift a finger to attempt to do anything about it?

 

 My  husband made damn sure he had joint legal and physical custody of their daughter because BM is too spiteful too see past hersefl and put their daughter first. My SD LOVES her dad and me and BM hates it that he is happy and moved on with his life. She balmed him for everything wrong in her life; why she was obese was his fault, why she was depressed was his fault, why she wasn't living where she wanted to be was his fault....the list goes on and on. She is a major drama mama and attention whore- the focus is about her even when its something their daughter does! The judge had to correct her numerous times in court cause she kept saying my daughter! Yet my husband always said our daughter. Its been over 2 years since she left so who does she have to blame now??? She hates the fact that he remarried so soon after they divorced because he never really loved her and was only with her the last few years because of their daughter.

We documented the patern whenever my husband stood up to her and pissed her off she "suddenly forgot her phone" or wouldnt answer when he would call to speak to his daughter YET HE CALLS EVERY DAMN DAY- this was nothing new to her!

Whats funny is she always tells him she doesnt want to hear his emotional side just keep to the facts- Funny SHE is ALWAYS angry and berating him in emails! She is pissed that he will not talk to her- he will only email or text and yes we too meet in a public place for p/u & drop offs. She hates that he wants no contact with her but she's done this to herself. Honestly and I am not taking sides 90% of the issues they have SHE creates!! All she has left to "control" him is their daughter so NOW do you think BM is doing such a bang up job???

I never said anything about BM doing a good job. I was stating a few facts on my problem I have with BM and how she always got her own way in court no matter if they were lies or had indangered the child. My husband faught so hard and all he got was crapped on because he had a full time job and BM did not work but maybe 1 month her whole life and there for the only support of SD is my husband. BM will not work to do her part ect. But judge doesnt care because she lives with family that take care of the BM and who take care of SD too. Judge screwed my husband over on his parenting time as they had half and half and he wanted extended because of all the crap and how BM was not taking care of their daughter and SD had almost died twice because of neglect. Judge said BM did what she had to do to insure SD got to the hospital and there for saved. But judge gave extended parenting time to BM because she did not work and there for was avaliable to child 24/7 and that my DH had to work on a daily basis so he couldn't spend that much time with her. WTF is up with that? I would love to be were you guys are because it seems like the same problems going on and that the dad actually got more custody. This state is so screwed!

Anyways, my original post had been to the other poster who stated that if somethings going on than its a SMs job to do something about it. That is what I was ranting about because SM's can't do anything when it comes to BMs or Skids. She basicly told you that you being the SM should of done something about it. But when you think about it SMs can't do anything no matter how involved they are with the Skids or DH's problems. Only DH can do what needs to be done. I understand that your DH did what he needed to and got what he's got. I can see your DH is like my husband who fights for his DD dispite all the BM bullcrap. So I am truely sorry if you read my post wrong and was upset with me.

kristinbugg
by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 1:04 PM
I was. I just adopted my two stepdaughters. I assure you I am not your SD's BM. I am not a new member to this site; been here for close to two years.


Quoting cris1376:

 Are you a step-mom? I am curious if you are my DH's ex!!


Quoting kristinbugg:

You are wrong. Children do not automatically reach an age where they get to choose which parent they live with. Their opinion will be heard and considered, but not necessarily be the deciding factor.



Quoting cris1376:




Quoting Pero1:



 



Quoting cris1376:



 We did the joint legal/physical custody and we always inform mySD that anytime she wishes she can live with us.



vs



Whats sad is she is already being guilted into "she cant leave her mommy cause she will be sad and all alone".....



Both equally bad!



 Sorry I didnt fully respond to this the first time. We inform my SD she has two homes (which she does although BM said ours is her "vacation home" but whatever) & he wants his child to know that our home is also her home and if she ever wanted to live w/ us it is very much welcomed.



Also, the SD will not use our home against BM as a threat and vice versa- but that she has the option (when old enough-right now she is too young) to live with either parent. This, if it were to occur later on down the road would have ground rules because again, it is not about allowing SD to live with us cause the mom didnt give her her way.



 


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
kristinbugg
by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 2:59 PM


Quoting TigaHotty85:

I'm not sure I am understanding you on this? NCP's Spouse/SM can't do anything about it. Belive me my situation you dont even wanna know its so bad! But where I live the judge just takes BM's side even if she lies and we show proof of the lies. BM even indangered the childs life twice! Judge just said birth mom is her mom and will not take child fully away from her. Wont even give us Extended parenting time like she has (We have 3 weekends each month durring school and eoweek durring summer)). I myself as the SM have tried my hardest to do things or say things that I see or whatever. I am always told by the judge or other people even on here that I am the SM only and only DH can do anything about it. I as the SM have to sit quietly on the sidelines and watch what goes on and can do nothing about it. So i'm just not sure as to what you ment by NCP's spouse and leaving that child in that bad situation knowing it isn't good for them.

Not bashing, I just am not understanding where you are comming from saying that NCP's spouse is able to do anything about Skids.


 

Quoting kristinbugg:

I have found that it is often the case that NCP (or NCP's spouse) often whine about how badly CP is parenting the children, yet they never do anything about it. Is it not a grave diservice to your child to leave them in a situation you KNOW is not good for them, yet you never lift a finger to attempt to do anything about it?

 


Instead of "they", I  should have been more clear and said "NCP".  Of course NCP's spouse can't do anything; it is up to NCP to attempt to change the situation if they REALLY want it changed.  Unfortunately, some NCP's don't really want custody, they just want to whine to everyone about how much BM sucks and about how NCP could do a better job, if given a chance.  The truth is, NCP doesn't really want custody, they'd MUCH prefer to act like the martyred, injured parent who doesn't get to parent their child because of big, bad CP (which in most cases, is BM). 

 I see it all the time on these forums....NCP's spouse posts about how much CP sucks and how poor NCP can't do a thing about it.  You can't change something if you're just sitting around, whining about your situation.  CHANGE REQUIRES ACTION!

TigaHotty85
by Member on Oct. 9, 2012 at 4:07 PM


Quoting kristinbugg:

 

Quoting TigaHotty85:

I'm not sure I am understanding you on this? NCP's Spouse/SM can't do anything about it. Belive me my situation you dont even wanna know its so bad! But where I live the judge just takes BM's side even if she lies and we show proof of the lies. BM even indangered the childs life twice! Judge just said birth mom is her mom and will not take child fully away from her. Wont even give us Extended parenting time like she has (We have 3 weekends each month durring school and eoweek durring summer)). I myself as the SM have tried my hardest to do things or say things that I see or whatever. I am always told by the judge or other people even on here that I am the SM only and only DH can do anything about it. I as the SM have to sit quietly on the sidelines and watch what goes on and can do nothing about it. So i'm just not sure as to what you ment by NCP's spouse and leaving that child in that bad situation knowing it isn't good for them.

Not bashing, I just am not understanding where you are comming from saying that NCP's spouse is able to do anything about Skids.


 

Quoting kristinbugg:

I have found that it is often the case that NCP (or NCP's spouse) often whine about how badly CP is parenting the children, yet they never do anything about it. Is it not a grave diservice to your child to leave them in a situation you KNOW is not good for them, yet you never lift a finger to attempt to do anything about it?

 


Instead of "they", I  should have been more clear and said "NCP".  Of course NCP's spouse can't do anything; it is up to NCP to attempt to change the situation if they REALLY want it changed.  Unfortunately, some NCP's don't really want custody, they just want to whine to everyone about how much BM sucks and about how NCP could do a better job, if given a chance.  The truth is, NCP doesn't really want custody, they'd MUCH prefer to act like the martyred, injured parent who doesn't get to parent their child because of big, bad CP (which in most cases, is BM). 

 I see it all the time on these forums....NCP's spouse posts about how much CP sucks and how poor NCP can't do a thing about it.  You can't change something if you're just sitting around, whining about your situation.  CHANGE REQUIRES ACTION!

Understandable. There are some NPC's out there that dont want to do more but whine about it and do nothing about it. But other NPC's spouses help them and support them when NPC's think that BM will get it all and they nothing. Some give up because the battle is to great to them. But us SM's on the sidelines are very upset on how CP is twards NCP and dont care about how the Skids end up. I think that SM's should be able to do some things and voice their own opinions when it comes to Skids as SMs are in the SKids life just as much as DH is.

But that is the case most of the time. NCPs spouse posts on here because this is a SM forum section. Getting upset about BMs who are over all bad and use the children as pawns in the nasty custody battles ect. And yes, Most can not aford a lawyer or court fees to do anything about it. Not everyone is made of money and can just do whatever to get what they want.

To be completely honest if SM's opinions/evidence counted there would be more BD's having custody. That only because most men lack the intel to do what needs to be done. That a woman can get it done better and faster than a man because a woman knows how to talk and in detail about things. For example:

DH- BM is not caring for her DD, She'd be better off with me so I can support her and keep her safe.

SM- BM is not doing her job as a mother. BM is doing this, this, and this (Provides a list) is what is really going on. SD is not getting what she needs from BM because BM is leaving child with other people and running around while not caring for her DD. DD's schooling is bad, DD's acting out, (Provides proof). I could say more but will not.

So what I am trying to say is that a man states things to the point. While a woman will go into detail on everything which provides better evidence. Women remember more than men do and can say/write in detail everything that has been going on. Not to mention that if the woman is better at explaining things than the man is or is better at writing things out than he is. You get my point, i hope. Just some men have a hard time doing what needs to be done where as a woman has a better chance of it. Needless to say BM can get it her way while BD does not.

With all that being said, Yes I belive that if SM's had a say and was able to help and stand by the BD, BD would get more parenting time/custody. Because BM gets help from everyone because she is the innocent mom and needs the help. But where is help for BD? BD in the end gets screwed because he is "The Man" while the "Mom is innocent of everything" and gets help from FOC, Judges, Child Support, Medicaid, and GPS who support her and child, all the while she sits on her butt doing nothing for the child to support the child on her own in her time. Child support should be given to the child. But BM should pull her own weight and not rely soly on CS and family to support her and child and get away with it. A better home for the child is what is needed. So for someone to say "Oh, BMs home all day lets leave DD with her". "But lets punish BD for working hard to support his DD that he gets hardly no time with his child". Thats what it seems like.... Judge rewarded BM for choosing to not work, but punished BD for working to support the child like every father should.

kristinbugg
by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 4:42 PM


Quoting TigaHotty85:

 

Quoting kristinbugg:

 

Quoting TigaHotty85:

I'm not sure I am understanding you on this? NCP's Spouse/SM can't do anything about it. Belive me my situation you dont even wanna know its so bad! But where I live the judge just takes BM's side even if she lies and we show proof of the lies. BM even indangered the childs life twice! Judge just said birth mom is her mom and will not take child fully away from her. Wont even give us Extended parenting time like she has (We have 3 weekends each month durring school and eoweek durring summer)). I myself as the SM have tried my hardest to do things or say things that I see or whatever. I am always told by the judge or other people even on here that I am the SM only and only DH can do anything about it. I as the SM have to sit quietly on the sidelines and watch what goes on and can do nothing about it. So i'm just not sure as to what you ment by NCP's spouse and leaving that child in that bad situation knowing it isn't good for them.

Not bashing, I just am not understanding where you are comming from saying that NCP's spouse is able to do anything about Skids.


 

Quoting kristinbugg:

I have found that it is often the case that NCP (or NCP's spouse) often whine about how badly CP is parenting the children, yet they never do anything about it. Is it not a grave diservice to your child to leave them in a situation you KNOW is not good for them, yet you never lift a finger to attempt to do anything about it?

 


Instead of "they", I  should have been more clear and said "NCP".  Of course NCP's spouse can't do anything; it is up to NCP to attempt to change the situation if they REALLY want it changed.  Unfortunately, some NCP's don't really want custody, they just want to whine to everyone about how much BM sucks and about how NCP could do a better job, if given a chance.  The truth is, NCP doesn't really want custody, they'd MUCH prefer to act like the martyred, injured parent who doesn't get to parent their child because of big, bad CP (which in most cases, is BM). 

 I see it all the time on these forums....NCP's spouse posts about how much CP sucks and how poor NCP can't do a thing about it.  You can't change something if you're just sitting around, whining about your situation.  CHANGE REQUIRES ACTION!

Understandable. There are some NPC's out there that dont want to do more but whine about it and do nothing about it. But other NPC's spouses help them and support them when NPC's think that BM will get it all and they nothing. Some give up because the battle is to great to them. But us SM's on the sidelines are very upset on how CP is twards NCP and dont care about how the Skids end up. I think that SM's should be able to do some things and voice their own opinions when it comes to Skids as SMs are in the SKids life just as much as DH is.

But that is the case most of the time. NCPs spouse posts on here because this is a SM forum section. Getting upset about BMs who are over all bad and use the children as pawns in the nasty custody battles ect. And yes, Most can not aford a lawyer or court fees to do anything about it. Not everyone is made of money and can just do whatever to get what they want.

To be completely honest if SM's opinions/evidence counted there would be more BD's having custody. That only because most men lack the intel to do what needs to be done. That a woman can get it done better and faster than a man because a woman knows how to talk and in detail about things. For example:

DH- BM is not caring for her DD, She'd be better off with me so I can support her and keep her safe.

SM- BM is not doing her job as a mother. BM is doing this, this, and this (Provides a list) is what is really going on. SD is not getting what she needs from BM because BM is leaving child with other people and running around while not caring for her DD. DD's schooling is bad, DD's acting out, (Provides proof). I could say more but will not.

So what I am trying to say is that a man states things to the point. While a woman will go into detail on everything which provides better evidence. Women remember more than men do and can say/write in detail everything that has been going on. Not to mention that if the woman is better at explaining things than the man is or is better at writing things out than he is. You get my point, i hope. Just some men have a hard time doing what needs to be done where as a woman has a better chance of it. Needless to say BM can get it her way while BD does not.

With all that being said, Yes I belive that if SM's had a say and was able to help and stand by the BD, BD would get more parenting time/custody. Because BM gets help from everyone because she is the innocent mom and needs the help. But where is help for BD? BD in the end gets screwed because he is "The Man" while the "Mom is innocent of everything" and gets help from FOC, Judges, Child Support, Medicaid, and GPS who support her and child, all the while she sits on her butt doing nothing for the child to support the child on her own in her time. Child support should be given to the child. But BM should pull her own weight and not rely soly on CS and family to support her and child and get away with it. A better home for the child is what is needed. So for someone to say "Oh, BMs home all day lets leave DD with her". "But lets punish BD for working hard to support his DD that he gets hardly no time with his child". Thats what it seems like.... Judge rewarded BM for choosing to not work, but punished BD for working to support the child like every father should.

First, a SP's (especially the spouse of an NCP) opinion in a custody case would not be credible, as it would be biased in favor of their spouse.  A SP should not be involved in custody cases, except as a support for his/her spouse.  SPs should not have rights and should not be a deciding factor in custody.  A child has TWO parents that should be providing for it and who should be fighting for their child's best interests, instead of pawning that responsibility off on their spouse/SO.

Second, it is an insult for you to suggest that men are not capable of caring for, documenting and fighting for their children's best interests.  Men do not lack the intelligence to do these things.  Again, if a parent REALLY wants to fight for the best interests of his/her children, they will do it at whatever cost necessary.

Third, if CP (or, as you say, BM) is providing the child the things they need, HOW CP provides for the child is none of NCP's business.  I often see posters claim that BM/CP is relying soley on CS to provide for the children.  CS is RARELY enough to cover all the necessities required to raise a child.  Hence, unless NCP's CS is an exorbitant amount, I find it impossible to believe that CP could not only provide the basic necessities (food, shelter, clothing) for the children and STILL be using CS to get her hair & nails done, buy new clothes, go out to eat, etc.

As I said, I think that alot of posters on here enjoy playing the spouse of a injured, martyred NCP.  I think alot of posters exaggerate or misrepresent how the CP parents, to suit their own purposes and give their story more plausibility.  The truth is, there are always three stories: CP's, NCP's and the truth.

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