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How to deal with a difficult stepchild?

Posted by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 5:32 PM
  • 16 Replies

My boyfriend has moved in with me and my kids in my home and we have 4 kids between us.  I have 2 girls 16 and 14 and he has 2 girls 14 and 13. His 13 year old is making life extremely hard and I don't know what to do.  She is disrespectful, mean and doesn't care about anyone.  My boyfriend and I are always fighting about her and I don't know what else to do but to have them move out.  I love him and don't want to lose him but we just don't seem to be able to do this together.  I am to strick and he isn't strick at all.  HELP!

by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 5:32 PM
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Replies (1-10):
HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 5:37 PM

 There should be house rules that apply to everyone.  These should have been discussed and agreed upon BEFORE moving in together.  You are responsible for enforcing them with your daughters and he is responsible for enforcing them with his daughters.  Your responsibility does not extend to his daughters if he refuses to parent them - that includes cleaning up after them, giving them rides, giving them money, doing laundry, etc. 

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 5:37 PM

What does she do that bothers you?

sassy711
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 5:39 PM

How long has it been since your BF got divorced?  How long were you dating before y'all moved in together?  Is BM in the picture?  13 is a tough age for a girl and she may resent the situation she's in, but is taking it out on you.  Maybe you and BF should consider counseling to help both of you deal with the parenting and home challenges that blending a family makes.  Good luck

ProudmommyJess
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 5:55 PM
I know that there was a time when I was about 15 when I was seriously butting heads with my SM a lot. My dad & I moved out for several months before we were all able to live together under one roof. If they move out it doesn't mean you have to lose him, but maybe it will allow everyone a little more time to prepare for that kind of lifestyle change. Then you can revisit the idea of living together, if that is still what you want to do.
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sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Oct. 8, 2012 at 6:03 PM

You need to sit down with your SO and have a talk about house rules and such.  You should have done that before he moved in.  Sit down now and hash it out with him, come up with some rules that you both can agree on and then have a "comin' to Jesus" talk with all the kids.

If you can't work something out, I'd make him move out.  If you can't agree, it'll only get worse.

JacyB
by Bronze Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 6:45 PM

Don't argue with her. If you disagree just answer "Well you'll have to discuss that with your father."

By remaining calm and not reacting to her you do two things : 1) Have the higher ground (i.e. you arent dignifying her attempt at chaos with a response and 2) teach her how to treat you.

You wont respond to being yelled at, having doors slammed, etc. so if she needs to communicate shes going to have to treat you differently.

Do you have any specific examples?

sadmom1969
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 6:58 PM

Oh where do I begin...  There are house rules and I did sit everyone down and go over them before and after they moved in.  For the most part everyone but his youngest are doing well.  This girl has some really big issues and I knew this going into it.  I just thought that we could work through this.  My bf has been divorced from his ex for a year but seperated for 4 years.  His daughter is obsessed with her mother.  She has been seperated from her mom for 4 years and she still calls her mother every 2 hours and if she doesn't talk to her she goes crazy.  After a visits with her mom on the weekend she comes back and is depressed and angry.  She still sleeps with her moms clothes.  She is 13 not 2.  I have asked, told and begged her father to get her help.  He took her one time to a counselor and that was it.  He said she will not go and he isn't wasting his time.  She is making my home hell!  She wants everything her way and her father did let her have her way all the time before me so that he wouldn't have to deal with her. Now that we are together I won't let him do that because that is effecting all of us. So now  that she doesn't get her way she wants us all to be as miserable as she is.  She is disrespectful to her father, sister, me, my girls and MY home.  She doesn't care about anyone but her mother and she will tell you that too.  I just can't live like this.  I am so thankful that I decided to live with them before we got married.    

sadmom1969
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 7:01 PM

Even though her dad will be the first to tell you how bad she is he defends her horrible actions at every turn.  I have tried to talk to him till I am blue in the face.  He tries a little but then conforms right back to his old ways.  I know my problem is not the kid.  It is her father. 

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Oct. 8, 2012 at 7:28 PM


Quoting sadmom1969:

Even though her dad will be the first to tell you how bad she is he defends her horrible actions at every turn.  I have tried to talk to him till I am blue in the face.  He tries a little but then conforms right back to his old ways.  I know my problem is not the kid.  It is her father. 

Save yourself some grief and make him and his kids move out.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 7:29 PM

how often does she see her mom? Is there any way for her to spend more time with her mom?

Also, what house rules is she not following?

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