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OK.  So I have a question.  Say that your sd (age 6 at the time) asks for pictures of her&her family here (which includes me, sm)  for her to keep in her room at her moms house.  If she herself was given about 40 pictures to choose from, and chose one of her and her dad, one of dad and sm (me), one of all of us, and one of just her dad, would it be reasonable to say that she wants those pictures there, they should stay there?  Or does BM have the right to throw them away?  (not give them back, but get rid of them).  

 

I'd just like some perspective and opinions.  Thanks! :) 

by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 10:15 PM
Replies (11-20):
Mommyof5247
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 11:17 PM

Of course, you can't control what BM does with them once they're at her house, but it's very petty & wrong for BM to mess with those things because they belong to SD, for her photo album, wall, etc.

While my skids were in counseling, they were having a tough time adjusting with the frequent back & forth (when DH & BM had 50/50) so their counselor suggested that we create traveling photo books. Little albums that had room to hold pics from both families so I worked on them right away.  BM did the "one up" bigger & better albums which defeated the purpose, then refused to cooperate & then wrecked pics during her "one upping". We provided more pics & had the counselor step in to get BM to cooperate.They worked great for the kids.

Since then, any time BM gave new pics, some old ones would get moved to the kids' bigger "stay at home" albums (here). We keep them for the kids. As far as I know (according to kids), BM won't let the kids keep pics of us at her house, which is ok since they only see her 4 days a month. But the traveling albums are off limits to mess with & it would be better for the kids if she allowed them their special things while with her. It's about respect for the kids, not the other parent & it's sad that some parents can't support that.

SAHM BM of DS17, DD14, DD20mos., Baby due 2013 & CSM of SD6 & SS4

USBrit
by Silver Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 11:18 PM

Why even go there? I would just say give her a 4X6 and let the chips fall where they may. If BM throws it away, you will know for the future not to put your SD in that situation again. Just think about how it will feel for her to go through something like that....AND, if you know it will be "bad" by giving her one now then just don't do it. You are the adult and have to help her make decisions that won't cause a melt down at BM house.

lovemyfriend
by Bronze Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 11:19 PM

Ok...in this situation then...say he did ask BM first and she says no.  How do you explain that to a kid asking for pictures at her moms?  Say no you can't because mom says no, because I say no, because SM says no, because its not appropriate...?  What is the right way to handle that situation?

Quoting Paige03:

I myself asked BM for pics of her her husband and their children for my sd (5/6 at the time) to hang in her room. Her husband refused to let her provide any. If my sd came home with some back then I would of let them be hung up or displayed in her room in someway.  However if your sending picture although yes your sd should have the right to family photos in her own room a lot of BM has issues with their ex's and their ex's partners. I think you would have to expect them to be thrown out if you didn't have your DH speak to BM before hand.


lovemyfriend
by Bronze Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 11:22 PM

OK so what do you say to her?  Why can she not have one at BMs house?  how do you explain that to her without making you OR BM looking bad?  in her eyes.  How would you handle that?

Quoting USBrit:

Why even go there? I would just say give her a 4X6 and let the chips fall where they may. If BM throws it away, you will know for the future not to put your SD in that situation again. Just think about how it will feel for her to go through something like that....AND, if you know it will be "bad" by giving her one now then just don't do it. You are the adult and have to help her make decisions that won't cause a melt down at BM house.


jgirlme
by New Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 11:23 PM
I also think it was pretty petty of her to throw away the pic of you and her dad. Not long after we got married, DH was going through some of his old things. In there he found a pic of him and his Ex wife, before they had Sd. He chunked it in the trash immediately and did his whole disgusted thing. After I realized what he threw away, I fished it out of the trash and told him he could not throw it away. We argued about this for a few. I won when he finally realized I was right and his daughter deserved to have at least one photo of her parents together.
MommySabs
by Gold Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 11:25 PM
Personally related anecdote- when dh and I bought our home together he encouraged dss and my boys to hang a photo of the ops in their rooms. I was shocked and against it at first. He explained he was never allowed to have a picture of his father in his room growing up. He tried a couple of times and his mother not only took them down but torn them up and forbid him from having any phonics of his dad. Until his father sent him some a few ears ago he didn't have any.
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USBrit
by Silver Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 11:30 PM

If a 6 year old came to me and asked me for a picture to take home to BM house. I would gently suggest to her that she talk with Mommy first to see how she feels about that, and if mommy thinks it's a good idea then you and I can pick out just the right one together for your room. If mommy doesn't think it's a good idea, we can just pick out one for your room here, okay? 

There are ways that you can make it just a discussion and then just let it go. She may never bring it up again....that would probably be your clue that BM wasn't very happy with the idea. 

Quoting lovemyfriend:

OK so what do you say to her?  Why can she not have one at BMs house?  how do you explain that to her without making you OR BM looking bad?  in her eyes.  How would you handle that?

Quoting USBrit:

Why even go there? I would just say give her a 4X6 and let the chips fall where they may. If BM throws it away, you will know for the future not to put your SD in that situation again. Just think about how it will feel for her to go through something like that....AND, if you know it will be "bad" by giving her one now then just don't do it. You are the adult and have to help her make decisions that won't cause a melt down at BM house.



USBrit
by Silver Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 11:34 PM

This is wonderful that you saw this for what it was, BUT what if this OP BM acts just like your DH mother did. How hurtful for a little child to deal with. Just really a tough thing to know what will happen if you even suspect that a BM will have a meltdown about it, to me it is just better to avoid the pain that the child may endure, as your husband did and still to this day remembers as very painful. :(

Quoting MommySabs:

Personally related anecdote- when dh and I bought our home together he encouraged dss and my boys to hang a photo of the ops in their rooms. I was shocked and against it at first. He explained he was never allowed to have a picture of his father in his room growing up. He tried a couple of times and his mother not only took them down but torn them up and forbid him from having any phonics of his dad. Until his father sent him some a few ears ago he didn't have any.


DDDaysh
by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 12:00 AM
2 moms liked this

Well, I guess BM's boundary is no "couple pictures" in her house.  Dad pictures and family pictures seem to be fine.  Now you know and you can avoid putting SD in that position again.  If she asks for a couple picture, just gently redirect her to a different one.  

I'm not sure why BM would object to the picture unless you were the other woman.  But, people are sometimes irrational.  As these things go, this wasn't really that bad.  At least she didn't burn all the pictures while SD watched or anything nutty like that.  

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Oct. 9, 2012 at 12:26 AM
You let her mom explain it to her. No one asked me if I was ok with it. Dd just came home with pictures. Dd told me where she wanted to put them and I didn't say yes or no. I said 'ok, dinners almost ready'. If you let her take a picture and her mom tells her no that is between her and her mom and mom gets to figure out how to fix the fight she will have with her own daughter.


Quoting lovemyfriend:

OK so what do you say to her?  Why can she not have one at BMs house?  how do you explain that to her without making you OR BM looking bad?  in her eyes.  How would you handle that?


Quoting USBrit:


Why even go there? I would just say give her a 4X6 and let the chips fall where they may. If BM throws it away, you will know for the future not to put your SD in that situation again. Just think about how it will feel for her to go through something like that....AND, if you know it will be "bad" by giving her one now then just don't do it. You are the adult and have to help her make decisions that won't cause a melt down at BM house.




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