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Most will probably disagree, but I can't be the only one

Posted by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 11:27 AM
  • 43 Replies
3 moms liked this
This is a vent so please refrain from posting any advice. Thank you.

So in MY situation the BM has gone for sad and pathetic as a mom to worse. And frankly she doesn't deserve the love her kids have for her just because she pushed them out of her vagina. They are still young and as they grow they will start seeing how she really is. It's come to the point that I really can't stand when she talks to them and makes promises to them and then breaks them because if crushed them.
I'm not going to get into everything she does right now. But another post made me think and I do think that she should be GREATFUL that these girls have a female role model like ME and because of that they might break the cycle of crazy that's on their BM side of the family. I am more of a mom than she'll ever be and I cherish the love the girls have for me, because its a love I've earned. It's not a default love for being the one that gave brith to them.

Ok end of vent
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by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 11:27 AM
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Replies (1-10):
LovingMy2x4
by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 11:32 AM
1 mom liked this

I feel for you. Its a hard situation. But I cant imagine someone without the capacity of being a good mom, being able to be grateful to someone else for doing her job. Its just not in them. 

MrsMama030912
by Member on Oct. 9, 2012 at 11:33 AM
1 mom liked this
Uh, they may not break the cycle because their mother is their blood. They have her DNA and will probably be much like her. And I don't think you should be so judgmental
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drakemom1
by Bronze Member on Oct. 9, 2012 at 11:47 AM
3 moms liked this
To them, she will always be mom so just because you think you are the better of the two, doesn't mean the kids agree. She could be awful but she still has a bond with her kids no matter how shitty she has become. I think the best thing you can do for children is encourage a relationship with both birth parents no matter what you think of them. It is healthier to strive for a good relationship with their real mom than to try to erase her and say I'm better.
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Tryshx
by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 11:50 AM
2 moms liked this

I think the adults we become/have became is/has been influenced by all major players in our childhoods not just our parents.  Although, some may argue for nature over nurture, personally, I believe that we pick up and adapt for our own the ideals, mannerisms, and behaviors from all of the constant adults in our lives, blood related or not.

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Oct. 9, 2012 at 11:56 AM

Not for you to say whether she deserves their love or not.  She's their mother, good or bad, and if the kids love her despite her flaws it's ok and she's very fortunate.

Quoting worrywart25:

This is a vent so please refrain from posting any advice. Thank you.

So in MY situation the BM has gone for sad and pathetic as a mom to worse. And frankly she doesn't deserve the love her kids have for her just because she pushed them out of her vagina. They are still young and as they grow they will start seeing how she really is. It's come to the point that I really can't stand when she talks to them and makes promises to them and then breaks them because if crushed them.
I'm not going to get into everything she does right now. But another post made me think and I do think that she should be GREATFUL that these girls have a female role model like ME and because of that they might break the cycle of crazy that's on their BM side of the family. I am more of a mom than she'll ever be and I cherish the love the girls have for me, because its a love I've earned. It's not a default love for being the one that gave brith to them.

Ok end of vent


Tillymommie
by Silver Member on Oct. 9, 2012 at 12:04 PM

Wow...


Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children. Do you understand? ~The Crow

DDDaysh
by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 12:11 PM
1 mom liked this

 My former SD's Mom was about as awful as they come 10-years-ago.  I felt alot of the things you feel. 

Guess what, Mom changed.  It CAN happen.

Pero1
by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 12:14 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting worrywart25:

They are still young and as they grow they will start seeing how she really is. 

Good luck with that ... but you can always join the other SMs who complain on here that they did EVERYTHING a mom does, they WERE mom for most of the skids' lives ... and then didn't get an invitation to the skids' weddings.

Love is a funny thing ... it isn't rational.

Troubleswife
by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 12:25 PM
2 moms liked this

 I don't really have any advice for you. Just a thought to share.

My father wasn't perfect. He was an alcoholic (Vietnam Veteran, Recovered) and spent much of his time traveling with the military. I can't recall him ever coming to a game of mine nor do I recall him being the perfectly involved father in my life. To this day, he is not reliable and usually very late and promises are flexible. Still, I know he loves me and is extremely proud. I have accepted him for who he is because I love him unconditionally as any child usually does.

Just be careful that your feelings of her lacking in motherhood. Don't taint their love for their mother with your emotions and judgment. My mom is the most non-judgmental and accepting person I know. If you are accepting then they will be as well. I wish you peace.

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Oct. 9, 2012 at 12:38 PM

It is possible to love someone wholeheartedly while not liking them much.  BM in your case may be very unlikable indeed, but the kids love her for who she represents and because it's their choice.  You're setting a very poor example if you're discouraging their love on the basis of her behavior.  It's okay for them to love her.  They should love her.  They should also be taught to recognize that she loves them even if she is unable to show it by any productive means.

Have you considered that when BM makes promises to them, she really wants to keep those promises?  She may live day to day telling herself that today will be different.  And then it's not, and she breaks more promises searching for excuses to make that acceptable and drown out guilt.  It's a behavioral pattern.  Most people in it don't realize their own power to break it; they're just victims of themselves.  It has nothing to do with you or your SKs.  Empty promises are rarely ever given with the intent to leave them unfulfilled. 

You may be more of a "mom", and indeed you are doing the heavy lifting and fulfilling all the duties mom would typical fulfill, BUT you need to take an emotional stepback and recognize that you're not in a permanent position.  You are, for all intents and purposes, a caretaker.  And as much as you love them, if BM ever does clean herself up and become a good mom, you will have step out of the way.  That will be VERY hard.  Love for your SKs will require that you do it though.

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