Most will probably disagree, but I can't be the only one
So in MY situation the BM has gone for sad and pathetic as a mom to worse. And frankly she doesn't deserve the love her kids have for her just because she pushed them out of her vagina. They are still young and as they grow they will start seeing how she really is. It's come to the point that I really can't stand when she talks to them and makes promises to them and then breaks them because if crushed them.
I'm not going to get into everything she does right now. But another post made me think and I do think that she should be GREATFUL that these girls have a female role model like ME and because of that they might break the cycle of crazy that's on their BM side of the family. I am more of a mom than she'll ever be and I cherish the love the girls have for me, because its a love I've earned. It's not a default love for being the one that gave brith to them.
Ok end of vent
I think the adults we become/have became is/has been influenced by all major players in our childhoods not just our parents. Although, some may argue for nature over nurture, personally, I believe that we pick up and adapt for our own the ideals, mannerisms, and behaviors from all of the constant adults in our lives, blood related or not.
Not for you to say whether she deserves their love or not. She's their mother, good or bad, and if the kids love her despite her flaws it's ok and she's very fortunate.
Quoting worrywart25:
This is a vent so please refrain from posting any advice. Thank you.
So in MY situation the BM has gone for sad and pathetic as a mom to worse. And frankly she doesn't deserve the love her kids have for her just because she pushed them out of her vagina. They are still young and as they grow they will start seeing how she really is. It's come to the point that I really can't stand when she talks to them and makes promises to them and then breaks them because if crushed them.
I'm not going to get into everything she does right now. But another post made me think and I do think that she should be GREATFUL that these girls have a female role model like ME and because of that they might break the cycle of crazy that's on their BM side of the family. I am more of a mom than she'll ever be and I cherish the love the girls have for me, because its a love I've earned. It's not a default love for being the one that gave brith to them.
Ok end of vent
Wow...
Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children. Do you understand? ~The Crow
Quoting worrywart25:
They are still young and as they grow they will start seeing how she really is.
Good luck with that ... but you can always join the other SMs who complain on here that they did EVERYTHING a mom does, they WERE mom for most of the skids' lives ... and then didn't get an invitation to the skids' weddings.
Love is a funny thing ... it isn't rational.
I don't really have any advice for you. Just a thought to share.
My father wasn't perfect. He was an alcoholic (Vietnam Veteran, Recovered) and spent much of his time traveling with the military. I can't recall him ever coming to a game of mine nor do I recall him being the perfectly involved father in my life. To this day, he is not reliable and usually very late and promises are flexible. Still, I know he loves me and is extremely proud. I have accepted him for who he is because I love him unconditionally as any child usually does.
Just be careful that your feelings of her lacking in motherhood. Don't taint their love for their mother with your emotions and judgment. My mom is the most non-judgmental and accepting person I know. If you are accepting then they will be as well. I wish you peace.
It is possible to love someone wholeheartedly while not liking them much. BM in your case may be very unlikable indeed, but the kids love her for who she represents and because it's their choice. You're setting a very poor example if you're discouraging their love on the basis of her behavior. It's okay for them to love her. They should love her. They should also be taught to recognize that she loves them even if she is unable to show it by any productive means.
Have you considered that when BM makes promises to them, she really wants to keep those promises? She may live day to day telling herself that today will be different. And then it's not, and she breaks more promises searching for excuses to make that acceptable and drown out guilt. It's a behavioral pattern. Most people in it don't realize their own power to break it; they're just victims of themselves. It has nothing to do with you or your SKs. Empty promises are rarely ever given with the intent to leave them unfulfilled.
You may be more of a "mom", and indeed you are doing the heavy lifting and fulfilling all the duties mom would typical fulfill, BUT you need to take an emotional stepback and recognize that you're not in a permanent position. You are, for all intents and purposes, a caretaker. And as much as you love them, if BM ever does clean herself up and become a good mom, you will have step out of the way. That will be VERY hard. Love for your SKs will require that you do it though.
Step kids and extracurriculars
- worrywart25
on Oct. 9, 2012 at 11:27 AM