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spin-off on cheaters and children

Posted by on Oct. 17, 2012 at 3:13 PM
  • 35 Replies

How and who decides that 50/50 is best for a child?  Taking all harsh feelings/ fault for split out of the picture how is this decided? 

Is it just because that is what is fair, we each created 1/2 the child, so we each get 1/2 the time? 

Having equal time makes the parents equal parents?

Having equal time makes the child equally close to each parent?

What if both parents don't agree, not out of anger/ resentment, but because one parent honestly does not believe that it is in the best interest of the child?

 

My DH is a great dad to our DS, we both work full time and spend roughly the same amount of time each day with DS, we take turns doing daily tasks for DS, and I will admit that DH is "funner" than I am.  But DS is closer to me.  When he is hurt or sick he doesn't want DH, he will only go to me.  I am the one he brings his book to each night, he will not sleep until I have read his gross alphabet book, not as in fighting sleep, as in has stayed up screaming the entire night the last time I went out of town.  If DH and I are sitting together on the couch DS will always come sit in my lap first.  It's "Mama" he is yelling as soon as he wakes up.

DH and I have discussed it b/c both of us are extremely close to our mothers, I come from a split family, DH comes from a traditional family.  I did not choose 50/50 as a child and I don't regret it.  DH has said that he would have hated 50/50, he would have chosen to stay with his mom.  We both agree that 50/50 is not for our son at this point, that might change as DS gets older. 

But what happens if we end badly and DH changes his mind and wants 50/50?  I married someone with the same beliefs I have, that a young child should have one primary home, if DH changed his mind am I obligated to follow suit? 

by on Oct. 17, 2012 at 3:13 PM
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Replies (1-10):
faerie75
by Platinum Member on Oct. 17, 2012 at 3:16 PM

 idk. most parents DONT agree and thats why courts are involved so often.

colema11
by Bronze Member on Oct. 17, 2012 at 3:19 PM


Quoting faerie75:

 idk. most parents DONT agree and thats why courts are involved so often.

It's weird, but it seems where I am from that 50/50 is never given in contested custody cases, the parents have to agree to it before going before the judge.


 

jlg12678
by Gold Member on Oct. 17, 2012 at 3:22 PM
3 moms liked this

Why should mom's get primary nine times out of ten? How is that fair to anyone? My dh is a better parent then bm will ever be...and this is not based off personal bias. Bm of her own admittance cheated non-stop during their marriage and had issues with drug/alcohol use. She took off while my dh was deployed and abandoned their home and state.

Guess who has primary even though my dh was the primary caregiver while they were married? I'll give you one hint...it's not my husband.

I personally feel that the system as a whole is skewed. I think custody should start out at 50/50 and go up/down from there based off each individual circumstance. I think the courts should be able to determine if more or less time is given to either parent. I don't think all situations warrent a straight 50/50 but I feel it's a fair starting point.

I know many are adamantly against 50/50...what is most interesting to me is the ones who are against it the most are NOT the ncp parent.   It's easy to say something wouldn't work when you already don't have to share your child that much and get most of the time.

I willingly do 50/50 with my ex. There is no reason I should do otherwise. We have similar parenting styles and our child has no issues going between homes. It's amazing how easy it can work if both parents want it to.

ProudmommyJess
by on Oct. 17, 2012 at 3:45 PM
Me & DD's dad agreed on joint custody but that she lives full time with me. He had her one night this year. That arrangement works for us so the court didn't argue against our agreement. In my SO's case they could not agree so they got 50/50, but he now has full.
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colema11
by Bronze Member on Oct. 17, 2012 at 4:07 PM


Quoting jlg12678:

Why should mom's get primary nine times out of ten? How is that fair to anyone? My dh is a better parent then bm will ever be...and this is not based off personal bias. Bm of her own admittance cheated non-stop during their marriage and had issues with drug/alcohol use. She took off while my dh was deployed and abandoned their home and state.

Guess who has primary even though my dh was the primary caregiver while they were married? I'll give you one hint...it's not my husband.

I personally feel that the system as a whole is skewed. I think custody should start out at 50/50 and go up/down from there based off each individual circumstance. I think the courts should be able to determine if more or less time is given to either parent. I don't think all situations warrent a straight 50/50 but I feel it's a fair starting point.

I know many are adamantly against 50/50...what is most interesting to me is the ones who are against it the most are NOT the ncp parent.   It's easy to say something wouldn't work when you already don't have to share your child that much and get most of the time.

I willingly do 50/50 with my ex. There is no reason I should do otherwise. We have similar parenting styles and our child has no issues going between homes. It's amazing how easy it can work if both parents want it to.


It's not about mom's getting custody.  My DH has primary custody of OSS, BM only gets visitation 1x month.   I'm not for moms, I'm for better parent.  In my case even DH will admit that our DS is closer to me, the classic "mama's boy".  DH doesn't have an issue with it b/c he was the same way with his mom.  If I don't think it's in the best interest for my child, why should he be seperated from me for long periods of time just so DH could feel like an equal parent?  If we went 50/50 and at 5 DS got sick with DH and begged to come to my house, should we tell him to suck it up, it's daddy's time?

 

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Oct. 17, 2012 at 4:31 PM

 it is encouraged here. but in my state, child support is also based of the percentage of time each parent has w the kids so it gets really hotly contested.

Quoting colema11:

 

Quoting faerie75:

 idk. most parents DONT agree and thats why courts are involved so often.

It's weird, but it seems where I am from that 50/50 is never given in contested custody cases, the parents have to agree to it before going before the judge.


 

 

 
        
         

jlg12678
by Gold Member on Oct. 17, 2012 at 4:43 PM
1 mom liked this

If you and your dh were to separate you would hopefully be able to work together regarding what is best for your child. What you think is best for your child might be the exact opposite of what your hypothetical ex does, however, as most change their mind on what they would like after divorce.

Have you really read what you wrote below? If I don't think it's in the best interest for my child, why should he be seperated from me for long periods of time just so DH could feel like an equal parent?

What if your ex disagrees with what you think is the best interest of the child?  And what if your child changed and didn't want to be with you full time? Would you let your hypothetical ex have primary just to appease your child?

Most parents don't think it's in the "best interest of their child" to be with the other parent after a divorce. Why would they? No decent person would willingly not fight for as much time as possible with their child. 

 

Quoting jlg12678:

Why should mom's get primary nine times out of ten? How is that fair to anyone? My dh is a better parent then bm will ever be...and this is not based off personal bias. Bm of her own admittance cheated non-stop during their marriage and had issues with drug/alcohol use. She took off while my dh was deployed and abandoned their home and state.

Guess who has primary even though my dh was the primary caregiver while they were married? I'll give you one hint...it's not my husband.

I personally feel that the system as a whole is skewed. I think custody should start out at 50/50 and go up/down from there based off each individual circumstance. I think the courts should be able to determine if more or less time is given to either parent. I don't think all situations warrent a straight 50/50 but I feel it's a fair starting point.

I know many are adamantly against 50/50...what is most interesting to me is the ones who are against it the most are NOT the ncp parent.   It's easy to say something wouldn't work when you already don't have to share your child that much and get most of the time.

I willingly do 50/50 with my ex. There is no reason I should do otherwise. We have similar parenting styles and our child has no issues going between homes. It's amazing how easy it can work if both parents want it to.


It's not about mom's getting custody.  My DH has primary custody of OSS, BM only gets visitation 1x month.   I'm not for moms, I'm for better parent.  In my case even DH will admit that our DS is closer to me, the classic "mama's boy".  DH doesn't have an issue with it b/c he was the same way with his mom.  If I don't think it's in the best interest for my child, why should he be seperated from me for long periods of time just so DH could feel like an equal parent?  If we went 50/50 and at 5 DS got sick with DH and begged to come to my house, should we tell him to suck it up, it's daddy's time?

 


MommySabs
by Gold Member on Oct. 17, 2012 at 5:07 PM
A lot about deciding 50/50 depends on where you live/ go to court at and who the judge is. Dh went for 50/50 and they were going to give him primary. He came to an agreement with bm for 50/50 before the judge ruled. His intent was not to take away from bm but to be a presence in his sons life.
My ex asked for 50/50 when we were divorcing but I told my attorney I knew it was bc he didn't want to pay cs. So my attorney wrote up a 50/50 agreement with his actual cs written in it to see what he would say- sure enough he only wanted 50/50 if he didn't have to pay. So we agreed to no less than minimum but as much as I feel beneficial. The only adjustment I have had to put my foot down about was overnights on school nights bc he wouldn't bathe the boys or get up with them my oldest was getting his ( at the time) kindergarten brother ready for school and on the bus at his house and they weren't allowed to brush their teeth bc it could have woken him up. My ex is unfortunately just not mentally emotionally or maturity capable of a large portion of actual parenting.
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Oct. 17, 2012 at 5:07 PM
Around here, 50/50 is only granted to those that agree. Those that agree to it typically can work well together to parent their children, have no lingering emotions, do not use their children to Hurt the other, communicate well with each other, help each other be good, involved parents, despite divorce. My Ex once asked the judge during a modification hearing why we couldn't do week on week off with dd who was 6 at the time. The judge said, you are not a strong candidate for 50/50. He asked why and how he could become 50/50 candidate. She said
1. You refuse to communicate with the other parent
2. You haven't taken any of the co-parenting classes I suggested for you to take
3. You have an over involved 3rd party
4. You admit that you work late nights many days a week
5. You admitted in your affidavit for divorce that you are unsure of your child's shoe size and favorite color.

He asked why he could not be primary parent and she listed all of the reasons above. She told us that the person that was picked to be primary was based on primary caregiver, relationship to the child in the last 6 months, and who represented through actions that they would continually foster a positive relationship between the child and the other parent. 'you sir have not done that at all today'.


Quoting colema11:



Quoting faerie75:


 idk. most parents DONT agree and thats why courts are involved so often.


It's weird, but it seems where I am from that 50/50 is never given in contested custody cases, the parents have to agree to it before going before the judge.



 


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Derdriu
by Gold Member on Oct. 17, 2012 at 5:15 PM


Quoting colema11:

 It's not about mom's getting custody.  My DH has primary custody of OSS, BM only gets visitation 1x month.   I'm not for moms, I'm for better parent.  In my case even DH will admit that our DS is closer to me, the classic "mama's boy".  DH doesn't have an issue with it b/c he was the same way with his mom.  If I don't think it's in the best interest for my child, why should he be seperated from me for long periods of time just so DH could feel like an equal parent?  If we went 50/50 and at 5 DS got sick with DH and begged to come to my house, should we tell him to suck it up, it's daddy's time?

So your DH isn't a good parent?  He's not an equal parent?  It's not in your son's best interest to spend time with his dad?

I do believe kids develop different relationship with their moms than their dads.  Moms take on more of the nurturing tasks and are generally more emotionally available to their children.  That is not a reflection of one parent being better or more important than the other.  It's reflection on the difference between men and women.  Lack of feeling emotionally close to dad does not make him an unimportant, less important, or less capable parent.  However, the questions you pose in this hypothetical scenario suggest that you don't think too highly of your DH as a parent.

Anyway, I'm not aware of any 50/50 situations in my state.  The closest I've come across is 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends plus 1-2 nights per week.  Seems to be fairly standard.  I know judges will consider other arrangements if the parents agree on them.  Likewise, they will limit visitation, as needed.

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